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Original poster

Hate my life with my 12 year old twin sons

35 replies

Preteenhell · 02/10/2022 17:14

They reduce me to tears on a daily basis. I hate life right now and dreading every day. Every weekend is shit shit shit

they are 12, one ASD but suspect the other might be too as unsure if his behaviour is “ normal “

all they are interested in playing roblox or online, they have no friends they meet up with after school or the weekend. Any suggestions I do to neurotypical twin he refuses. I explained secondary school is a new start to make friends and perhaps he might need to join one of the many after school clubs but no. He has one or two friends he plays online with this but NT son seems unaware how to make friends. I often read his WhatsApp messages to his class friends and he is so immature compared to the other kids on there. He always seems to start an argument and doesn’t seem to understand how friendship works
not sure it’s a twin thing but they do no effort to make friends and obviously ASD struggles with this even more

constant stupid sex noises and finding it hilarious. No respect for us when we tell them for the hundredth time it’s rude and disrespectful

mess everywhere

no empathy for us, very selfish

they have one bath/shower a week and that is after we have threaten to take device away for a while. NT twin would be in pants all day if we let him

the NT twin especially is so rude and treats me like a piece of crap unless he wants something. He used to be my little buddy and now we seem to argue all the time. He reduced me to a shouting nagging mum

We used to be such an active family always out and about walking, cycling etc but now they both lay on their beds all day. They have both put on a lot of weight and I don’t want to ignore it but at the same time I want to be careful how to word it. We have been emphasising on how a walk is good for mental well being etc

ASD twin has multiple meltdowns a day and we’re just worn out from the constant stress of this and then the (usual? Normal?) preteen stuff on top

it is by far the worst stage of parenting so far and fear I can’t take any worse than this.

OP posts:
ChaosMoon · 02/10/2022 17:52

This sounds unbelievably hard. What help do you face with them? I hope you're getting some time for yourself. You sound in desperate need of a recharge.

Has NT been assessed? I'm sure that others will have more suggestions on this front but it sounds like it's worth investigating.

miffmufferedmoof · 02/10/2022 17:52

Bless you that sounds really tough. I have an ASD 12 year old boy - I’m grateful he doesn’t have a twin!
I would be sorely tempted to impose a complete screen time ban, but I appreciate that may feel (or in fact be!) impossible

magaluf1999 · 02/10/2022 17:54

I have a 12 year old NT boy and whilst he likes to game. No this isnt normal. He values family time still and his friend and hobbies and is polite and respectful and pulls his weight.

He is also not an angel

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Comedycook · 02/10/2022 17:58

My ds was full of attitude and backchat at 12 but no, what you're describing is not normal imo. As for the sex noises, that sounds very concerning. How do they even know what that is? I'd be checking their internet search history sharpish.

TwoWrightFeet · 02/10/2022 18:18

Simple, take away the devices until the lose the weight. See if they still want to lazy about all day then.

Raidtheice · 02/10/2022 18:21

TwoWrightFeet · 02/10/2022 18:18

Simple, take away the devices until the lose the weight. See if they still want to lazy about all day then.

Oh bless you. How many ASD kids do you have then? Cos if you had one you would know you're talking our your arse.

Onthtable · 02/10/2022 18:22

Well I have twins DD 12 yrs old and it is hard !

Onthtable · 02/10/2022 18:23

We went on holidays in April for a week was a nightmare, we decided no holidays at all. They were at home 6 weeks this summer.

TwoWrightFeet · 02/10/2022 18:23

Raidtheice · 02/10/2022 18:21

Oh bless you. How many ASD kids do you have then? Cos if you had one you would know you're talking our your arse.

Show quote history

Two. Thanks for asking.

GreyTCat · 02/10/2022 18:27

That sounds so tough!

These two bits stand out as fixable in a way though:
constant stupid sex noises and finding it hilarious. No respect for us when we tell them for the hundredth time it’s rude and disrespectful
they have one bath/shower a week and that is after we have threaten to take device away for a while. NT twin would be in pants all day if we let him
Stop telling and threatening and start doing. Sex noises = sanction. Showers in X Y Z day, if not = sanction. Follow through every single time so they know clearly where the boundaries are and what to expect.

Hairymaery · 02/10/2022 18:30

Sell the xbox and let them learn to enjoy a life without it. They will be happier, healthier and nicer kids for it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/10/2022 18:41

Apart from the sex noises, they sound like fairly normal early teens.

Mine wanted to game all the time at 12/13. And he hated the shower. He grew out of it. I’d step back a bit and give them space.

DeeofDenmark · 02/10/2022 18:44

I think although they are nearly teens who give the appearance of being able to manage their own life they still need boundaries.
Set out the house rules, and insist all these are met before they are allowed to game. For example a daily shower, room tidy, washing our away etc
Beyond that pick your battles. I am in the teen territory and hold on to something I have been told. Apparently once they come out of the teen years they return to being the lovely people they were before.

Original poster
Preteenhell · 02/10/2022 19:59

TwoWrightFeet · 02/10/2022 18:23

Two. Thanks for asking.

Show quote history

I wish it was that easy tbh. Even when my ASD son was younger and I read posts like this I would know exactly what I would do to stop the behaviour. Now I am at such a stage i know it’s completely different story. Most days I’m so drained with ASD parenting I can’t face listening to hours of high pitched screeching as that’s what he does. Believe me I have tried sanctions but they’re not always as easy as you make out

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/10/2022 20:02

Your NT twin sounds like my asd/adhd son of the same age.

Original poster
Preteenhell · 02/10/2022 20:02

Hairymaery · 02/10/2022 18:30

Sell the xbox and let them learn to enjoy a life without it. They will be happier, healthier and nicer kids for it.

We don’t have an Xbox just iPhone and ipad. I have taken the phone away at times but I can’t sell it as that’s just unrealistic

OP posts:
Original poster
Preteenhell · 02/10/2022 20:04

Comedycook · 02/10/2022 17:58

My ds was full of attitude and backchat at 12 but no, what you're describing is not normal imo. As for the sex noises, that sounds very concerning. How do they even know what that is? I'd be checking their internet search history sharpish.

I check their history regularly and we have strict safety mode. Unfortunately it’s kids in their school and they just copy as think it’s funny . It has improved lately but not completely gone

OP posts:
DorritLittle · 02/10/2022 20:05

Can you put a timer on the iphones? Sorry if this is a suggestion you have tried and I can understand not being able to deal with the fallout. I am mainly sending sympathy because it sounds incredibly tough and I wouldn't know what to do either.

Hankunamatata · 02/10/2022 20:06

I should add I 3 ND sons. They dont hang out with friends afterschool. They find being at school enough socialising for the day and need to decompress by watching tv or playing roblox. And yes underpants only are the norm for all 3. We all do a joint hobby around cycling twice a week, the moan about going hot dont kind too much as they dont have to talk to anyone. Weekends they do this hobby then mainly lie on their beds.

Original poster
Preteenhell · 02/10/2022 20:08

DorritLittle · 02/10/2022 20:05

Can you put a timer on the iphones? Sorry if this is a suggestion you have tried and I can understand not being able to deal with the fallout. I am mainly sending sympathy because it sounds incredibly tough and I wouldn't know what to do either.

Yes there is a timer on it, it doesn’t start till 8.30 am on weekend and in evening it goes off at 7pm so they do have time of it
but it’s just in between that’s all they want to do mostly.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/10/2022 20:09

And yes omg the sex noises 🤦‍♀️. My 11 year old and 9 year old keep doing this. The 11 yr old picked it up as school and told the 9 year old. Utterly mortifying. I come down hard on that. Its immediate loss of electronics for th day.
It is hard but I try to remember they are emotionally up to 5 years younger than peers.

Original poster
Preteenhell · 02/10/2022 20:11

Hankunamatata · 02/10/2022 20:09

And yes omg the sex noises 🤦‍♀️. My 11 year old and 9 year old keep doing this. The 11 yr old picked it up as school and told the 9 year old. Utterly mortifying. I come down hard on that. Its immediate loss of electronics for th day.
It is hard but I try to remember they are emotionally up to 5 years younger than peers.

Luckily mine know not to do it outside the home but inside they don’t care. Slightly better now but still not how I would like it. I don’t want to hear my sons like that!

OP posts:
Lulumo · 02/10/2022 20:12

Okay I have an ASD 13 year old DS who is very into gaming. We to have had the weight gain he was very slim until age 11, I don’t think lockdown helped. I’m making him take train to school so this adds 40mins walk a day so it helping.

we had the shower problem, improved suddenly over the summer hols and now he showers every morning - DH wants him to cut down due to gas costs but I’ve stamped him down

The key is finding a new routine. Now with twins that’s doubly hard. I do feel for you

lack of friends that aren’t online you just have to accept. DS happy how he is gets a bit lonely in the holidays fine in term time.

Gaming gives them a chance to switch off please don’t take it away. Virtual friends better than no friend. the screeching is loud but DS is happy.

it’s really hard being an ASD mum. Nobody really understands the burden.

orangeisthenewpuce · 02/10/2022 20:17

We don’t have an Xbox just iPhone and ipad. I have taken the phone away at times but I can’t sell it as that’s just unrealistic

No, but you can remove it until he does as you ask, and he doesn't get it back until he does.

ChampagneCamping · 02/10/2022 20:22

introduce a rule. To have screen time they first need to have done a house job and some exercise. Limit screen time to 2 or 3 hours per day.