Hate my life with my 12 year old twin sons

[Preteenhell]

They reduce me to tears on a daily basis. I hate life right now and dreading every day. Every weekend is shit shit shit

they are 12, one ASD but suspect the other might be too as unsure if his behaviour is “ normal “

all they are interested in playing roblox or online, they have no friends they meet up with after school or the weekend. Any suggestions I do to neurotypical twin he refuses. I explained secondary school is a new start to make friends and perhaps he might need to join one of the many after school clubs but no. He has one or two friends he plays online with this but NT son seems unaware how to make friends. I often read his WhatsApp messages to his class friends and he is so immature compared to the other kids on there. He always seems to start an argument and doesn’t seem to understand how friendship works
not sure it’s a twin thing but they do no effort to make friends and obviously ASD struggles with this even more

constant stupid sex noises and finding it hilarious. No respect for us when we tell them for the hundredth time it’s rude and disrespectful

mess everywhere

no empathy for us, very selfish

they have one bath/shower a week and that is after we have threaten to take device away for a while. NT twin would be in pants all day if we let him

the NT twin especially is so rude and treats me like a piece of crap unless he wants something. He used to be my little buddy and now we seem to argue all the time. He reduced me to a shouting nagging mum

We used to be such an active family always out and about walking, cycling etc but now they both lay on their beds all day. They have both put on a lot of weight and I don’t want to ignore it but at the same time I want to be careful how to word it. We have been emphasising on how a walk is good for mental well being etc

ASD twin has multiple meltdowns a day and we’re just worn out from the constant stress of this and then the (usual? Normal?) preteen stuff on top

it is by far the worst stage of parenting so far and fear I can’t take any worse than this.

Rude behaviour = no screen time for the rest of the day.

I don't think the vileness is totally screen led. I have an ASD nearly 12 year old and we had all the sex noises thing (calmed down a bit since I started doing it back to him and he realised how embarrassing it was). I'm not sure what the answer is but yes I feel like running away every day .

Yes I agree but wish it was that simple. If I take iPad away due to a consequence We will have to endure hours of screaming. And often ASD son doesn’t learn his consequence so it’s kind of a viscous circle. So he might get away with some things if we cannot bear dealing with a meltdown but then NT son gets resentful

Sorry you're going through this and feeling this way. It's hard enough getting kids to shower at that age and not want to game in their pants all day! Hopefully someone can help you on here somehow as I have no experience with ASD or anything. Bit random but is the sex noises sound like a passionate ummmyahhh (oh yeahhhh) or anyaaaaa as my tiny nephew does 🙈 coz everyone thought it was funny until I said 'he's making sex noises, I'm sure' then it clicked with everyone else and made him stop it 🤣🙈

Yes 😩 some of them

You’re doing a great job. I am the owner of a 12 year old autistic child and it’s hard - and yes, having a brother just makes it harder.

hats off to you for handling twins anyway.

I’ve not had to deal with “sex noises”, but whenever there is a “joke” I come down hard on it. Not in “sex is bad”, but you cannot speak like that because it debases women… and you’ll end up on a bloody register.

kudos to all of you and your washing children - I’ve threatened to go in there and wash him down - he’ll go IN water but resists applying soap/shampoo and his feet are honking.

l am sure you have already tried the stuff everyone is rattling off, most teen boys of this age are not slightest bit interested in going for a walk with parents and most don' t want to go out with friends as they are viewed very much as a general nuisance by the public, (as on here) if they' re not into football,cycling, sports they' re quite limited as to what to do.
What l have found is that once their hormones kick in they become alot more aware of the way they look, and lifting weights has become an obsession here in Uk with our young men. l know alot of young lads who had unhealthy habits at this age, but you would never know it now.
l personally wouldn't take away the electronics, maybe buy some gym equipment, you can get very good stuff on Ebay second hand, my own sons exercise at home, rather than the gym, my downstairs looks more like a gym but it doesn' t bother me, they are older teens and work out everyday but when they were younger l had similar challenges to yourself.
l understand your frustrations because easy to think it will always be the same at that age re never getting off devices, but force never works in my experiance, it can make matters,a whole lot worse. Encouragement and support, which l' m sure your already doing, as well as voicing conerns but not force. If they see you using gym equipment its a good example and boys tend to be competative.

concerns.

This situation sounds really difficult and if the lads were NT I'd be one of the posters saying that such unrestricted daytime access to online gaming is going to perpetuate all the problems indefinitely.

Is there anyway you can tempt them away with little trips out. Just take one kid for a quick icrecream. (Take the other another time) Anything to break the routine and habits they have now.

Also what about board games or modelling - Warhammer type of stuff.

Are there any more sociable fun online games that you or your husband could play with your kids. As a way of making everyone's interactions more positive.

What about you and your husband. Has this ground you down so that you are both miserable (VERY understandable if it has). Can you do anything to make yourselves happier so your household is happier. Have you any money to afford a babysitter? You sound so ground down by this.

Also, might it be worth considering professional help. That would obviously be expensive so sorry if that's not a possibility.

Oh gosh, that sounds very hard. I echo what PPs have said about limiting screen time. My DD is NT but too much screen time sends her doolally. Perhaps change the timer to between 12pm and 4pm and enforce a routine of getting up and outside in the mornings. Now the weather is nicer, if you have some outdoor space try having breakfast outside to get the ball rolling. Good luck to you.