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Parenting

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Original poster

Unmarried parents of 8 and 2 year old

35 replies

Midsmumof2 · 27/09/2022 22:19

I’m beginning to feel really down, me and partner got engaged in 2018 on his work trip - no mention of marriage since - in 2020 I gave birth to our second child? His son. I love him so much and so badly want to be his wife yet no mention or inkling from him of us actually doing it. He’s wonderful, we have a lovely home? Don’t go without, wonderful holidays But truthfully it’s eating away at me, I feel down and I don’t want any more children until we actually married, I’m a stay at home mum and all our friends are married and we attended my siblings wedding Recently, I’m 40 in April and tbh I’m beginning to get quite angry - his career is flying while at home with the kids - advice please? I’m thinking of leaving tbh - I’m so broken over this and feel really low

OP posts:

piegone · 27/09/2022 22:20

When you say no mention do you mean you are waiting for him to raise the subject?

Dinoteeth · 27/09/2022 22:21

Op I think you need to talk to him or at least get back into the work force so you aren't so vulnerable in the event of a break up.

pennysays · 27/09/2022 22:22

If you want to get married, then raise it and talk to him like an adult about what you want, what it means to you and the timescale you would like it to happen in. Ask him how he feels and try to reach an agreement over the coming weeks about how to proceed.

if you would like to go back to work then go back to work - you’re in charge of this one. Make plans to get training etc or whatever might help you get back in the zone.

you are equal partners in a relationship, he is grown up human being and you can have an adult conversation about the things you would like.

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2 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

NancyJoan · 27/09/2022 22:24

What are you expecting to happen? If you are already engaged, suggest that you could start saving for the wedding. Or, if you can afford to, start looking for a venue/booking dates in.

BattenburgDonkey · 27/09/2022 22:24

You make it sound like you are waiting for him to raise the subject of planning the wedding. Why haven’t you booked your wedding yet? Have you told him how unhappy you are? Do you actually think the marriage certificate will make things better if you are thinking of leaving?

Cheeselog · 27/09/2022 22:24

Have you mentioned it to him or are you waiting for him to bring it up? Do you want a big wedding that needs a lot of planning or just want to pop down to the registry office? Is it possible he figured he would leave wedding planning to you as the bride?

Eddieisadick · 27/09/2022 22:25

If you can’t talk to your partner about getting married after you’ve had two kids then you should split up. That’s batshit

Original poster

Midsmumof2 · 27/09/2022 22:31

We have a large house we could actually hold a wedding at - it has actually on the past been a wedding venue - every time I mention it he just makes out I’m being ungrateful or impatient

OP posts:

Original poster

Midsmumof2 · 27/09/2022 22:32

Oh it’s been brought up - many times - just says I’m being inpatient or ungrateful for what we do have

OP posts:

Azerothi · 27/09/2022 22:32

Are you worried this boyfriend will say no if you ask him to marry you or fix a definite date? When, or if, he says no if you're an optimist, at least you will know where you stand.

I would think he will string you along, so be careful what you say. He has everything to lose if you are his wife and not his girlfriend and he probably knows it.

TheBoxOfWhat · 27/09/2022 22:33

Don't just raise it, tell him that you have been thinking about the wedding and that on X day you need to have a sit down talk about the practicalities of doing it, you should also have a timeline as to when it will happen.

You are knee deep in this relationship, you already have 2 children, you have made yourself financially vulnerable by giving up your job whilst he soars with his and I am hoping that you at least own the house together that you are in.

Stop being a passenger in your relationship, spell out what you want. Stop waiting for him to bring it up because it is clear he won't be doing it. Good luck.

Fizzgigg · 27/09/2022 22:36

Midsmumof2 · 27/09/2022 22:31

We have a large house we could actually hold a wedding at - it has actually on the past been a wedding venue - every time I mention it he just makes out I’m being ungrateful or impatient

'we' have a large house or 'he' has a large house that we all live in? Are you the deeds? If not there's every chance that he doesn't want to get married as this way it's all his if you split.

piegone · 27/09/2022 22:39

Oh it’s been brought up - many times - just says I’m being inpatient or ungrateful for what we do have

So when you bring up the subject of marriage, to your fiancé, he calls you names?

Yeah, fuck that shit.

Cheeselog · 27/09/2022 22:40

What does he say when you challenge him on that? Being engaged for 4 years is hardly rushing into things.

Calandor · 27/09/2022 22:42

I'm sorry OP. But it sounds to me like he's never going to marry you. Or at least won't if he can help it.

I'd tell him I want to be married within say spring 2024. And when he gets annoyed I'd just act confused and like he was being odd. If he's very social conscious (worried what others think of him) I'd say that it's very strange to have an engagement X years or longer and people might start to talk.

toomuchlaundry · 27/09/2022 22:44

Do you have any shared assets?

RelationshipsAreTooHard · 27/09/2022 22:46

Op I think the marriage and work are two different things:

1 marriage: have you asked him why exactly he doesn't want to get married? What does it have to do with being ungrateful and after 4 years you are certainly not impatient. So the onus is on him to tell you why he doesn't want to get married. Is he worried about the expense? Or the effort involved in planning a wedding? The committment?

2 I'd tell everyone to not be financially dependent on anyone. I don't know if legally not being married makes you more Vulnerable but if I were you and resented being a Sahm then it's definitely time to get a job. This is up to you and has got nothing to do with him. Or does he not want you to work? In that case there's even more reason to get a job.

Whadda · 27/09/2022 22:46

Who owns the house?

Why did you give up work?

You’re in a ridiculously vulnerable position. Why have you gone along with this?

Penguinsaregreat · 27/09/2022 22:53

You have been together a long time.
I would speak to him calmly when you are both alone and tell him you want to get married and give a time frame say in 12 months. See what his reaction is. If he does not agree to it then start looking for a job. Don’t ask his opinion or permission you are in an incredibly vulnerable position here.
Chijdcare is his responsibility too. Get a part time job. See if this improves your confidence. If he doesn’t agree to marriage I would leave. Get your job first. He is stringing you along.

Foxesforme · 27/09/2022 22:58

OP, I'm confused, you say you don't want more children until you're married. But you also mention you've turned 40, so I think if you do want more children you shouldn't delay trying?

However, clearly you're unhappy and possibly in a vulnerable position financially, so of course there are very good reasons to delay. It's just that your mention of more children worries me...

Foxesforme · 27/09/2022 23:00

Sorry you're nearly 40, I read it wrong

JulesCobb · 27/09/2022 23:01

Fizzgigg · 27/09/2022 22:36

'we' have a large house or 'he' has a large house that we all live in? Are you the deeds? If not there's every chance that he doesn't want to get married as this way it's all his if you split.

Show quote history

This. How much of what you both have is actually both of yours?

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/09/2022 23:04

You are already engaged, he asked you to marry him. So you need to say it matters a lot to you to cement what you have .
If he says you are ungrateful that is awful and you need to stay calm and I suppose ultimately ask if he still wants to marry you . So say ok let's have simple ceremony and do at home on New Year's Eve and I'll sort it.
If he says no then you know he will never marry you .
What is your financial set up, who owns this big house?

klipwa · 27/09/2022 23:07

If marriage is important to you and he doesn't want to Marry, then leave.

1994girl · 27/09/2022 23:08

Why don't you get a job yourself.

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