Talk to me about getting time back to yourself as kids grow

[NeroliLakes]

Occurred to me this morning how my mornings used to be about getting me ready, whereas now it’s all about getting DD ready and I throw on any old clothes and leave the house looking a wreck.

I WFH full time so thankfully no massive need to look professional, but it’s not great for my self esteem.

DD is in reception but summer baby so just turned 4 and still needs me to do a lot, otherwise we would never leave the house on time!

Talk to me about getting time back to yourself as kids grow up (assuming they don’t have additional needs or anything as I appreciate that massively changes things). I saw my SIL recently (her only child is now 8) and noticed how she’d lost weight and her hair & nails were done really nicely, she looked lovely. It was so nice to see her back to her old self and she just seemed happy and confident in her skin which was lovely to see (she had put on a lot of weight due to PND).

I’m not so much looking for tips like get stuff ready the night before, as I already do all that. More just looking for a bit of light at the end of the tunnel as it all feels hard right now.

As I say my DD is 4 and we’re not planning any more DC.

I'm struggling at the moment, I have one in reception and an 8 month old baby. I have to get up before the baby, give the older one breakfast, get ready and then get the baby up.

It's pressured and annoying. Can't wait until the baby is as self sufficient as the older one at least!

Following with interest as currently have a 2 year old

4.5 was a real turning point in my experience!

I so relate to this - I used to leave the house perfectly groomed and wondering which handbag and jewellery to wear. Then I had DD and my grooming routine was reduced to “Does this have sick/snot or worse on it? If so, will it wipe off? Great I’m good to go”

DD is now 11, has just started secondary and over the years I’ve gradually started to get more time back. They start to go to clubs in the evening or spending more time with friends. I definitely feel I have more time for me and feel more groomed although we now have a dog so I still look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards most do the time!

DC growing up is a mixed bag - more time to yourself, a much smaller Netflix window and a real, real pang for the days when you were the centre of their world. When they are very young it’s an endless treadmill of parenting but honestly you’ll miss it. Well, at least sometimes! Hang on in there!

I'd say once both mine were in full time education so year 2 and reception. But then I started working full-time shortly after youngest started school, so now have to get myself and kids ready and presentable every morning! I get one afternoon to myself in the week, and I make the most of it, by doing something nice for myself.

I think it depends on your kids really. My DD is 5.5 and not very coordinated (as far as fine motor goes) so I still dress her and sort her breakfasts! But she has friends who are hugely more independent and started getting themselves dressed age 3.

That said she's not at all needy of my time and plays alone happily for ages so I do get other time to myself.

Hmm. If you work full time then I don't actually think you get time back in the school years, at least not the early ones. Get up, check bags and uniform, feed and clean them, get them to school. Work, collect from childminders or school or ASC, reading, spellings, clean out the school bag, party invitations and cards and presents, annual leave for school plays, evenings/weekends taken up with swimming and ballet and football and playdates, then they don't sleep well because they're overwrought and miss you, or their bed time gets later and later, and you're running round like a blue arsed fly trying to keep on top of homework, newsletters, harvest festivals, bringing in a shoe box, flu forms...

If you're part time you get a day or two in the week to keep on top of housework and admin so the evenings and weekends are less pressured.

Do you work while dd is at school or are you home alone? If you have free time in the day, use that time to treat yourself

I have 3 dcs op so it took years and years as went back to the baby and toddler zones again and again.l, we also have had no family support. Also two of mine were bad sleepers for years. I looked like a wreak and felt awful for a long time. My youngest is almost 6 , I’m 37 and feel the best I’ve felt in a while, I go to the gym a lot (I work pt) , I look much better than in my later 20’s/early 30’s as I can now sleep all night . I get time during the day as my dcs all play together and are able to do a lot themselves. The work load around three and paid work has increased, also my dcs do a lot of sports so it’s busier that way tbh. But overall I get more time and feel generally better.

I work 32 hours and have flexibility so I’m supposed to work as much as possible during standard office hours but there is some flexibility

If you can afford the wraparound care I would do 9 to 5 over 4 days and have a day in the week to yourself.

My son is almost 7 and it does get better - I leave him downstairs for half an hour watching TV and munching toast in the morning while I spend half an hour showering and getting ready. Also go out one night a week now and DH and I alternate nights we can go to gym or swim.

It’s a game changer when they go to secondary school. They leave the house before you do, giving you perhaps a lovely half hour when you can get ready in peace and collect your thoughts for the work day ahead. Maybe even get a quick chore out of the way! Hang in there, it definitely gets easier/better.

Thanks. I feel selfish feeling this way, but look in the mirror and just think yuk.
I’ve never been massively high maintenance when it comes to grooming, but did used to like to try and look nice!

I remember this phase well with my own two. It's bloody hard!

Mine are 8 and 4 now and it's definitely all a bit less awful.

Mine is 7.5 and still needs a lot of cajoling in the morning, hates getting out of bed, as do I to be fair! He is capable of getting himself dressed but faffs around too much so I still have to help him otherwise we would be late.

Again needs to be nagged to eat his breakfast, have a wee, clean teeth etc. I think it will be a while for us before he is self sufficient

I'm similar to you OP. I compressed my full time hours at work so now I get every other Friday off. Helps.

I am in a similar position to you. It got better in year 1 but it still feels like a juggling act. I think secondary is the real game changer.

Mine are 7 and 10 and still only get time when they're at school ( I kept working part time for this reason).

I get my pedicure done in a salon whilst my 12 week old is in my lap (I time it with his feeds so he's not fidgety)
I put fake tan on whilst he's playing on a mat. Same with make up
I go for runs whilst husband looks after the bub
I do Pilates whilst baby has his first nap in the morning (the only long one hour nap he takes)
I buy Lululemon outfits whilst out shopping with him

I have a high needs baby who had colic but I've started getting 'me' back already.
Although my husband does all the cooking so that helps a lot. We're both clean and tidy up as we go. We have a dryer so saves time doing chores. I take my vitamins daily so I my skin and hair feels good. I eat low carb so most of my baby weight is gone. We're also having only one baby.

All of the above helps. Can you do little things that help you feel more you?

This is excellent advice but a tiny, not yet mobile baby is a million miles away from pre school and primary aged children in terms of what they need from you! Enjoy it while it lasts!

I sorry to sound harsh, but this has to be one of the most blinkard things I've ever read in Mumsnet. You have a 12 WEEK OLD!!! They are asleep most of the time. Honestly, they can't even walk, crawl or move anywhere.
To say you are getting you old self back already and advise the OP is so unbelievably crass, insensitive, ignorant! Your child can't even move anywhere yet!!! It is absolutely fuck all like having toddlers or young children.

@brookln that’s because your baby is 12 weeks old , immobile, can’t run off , tantrum!!!. It also sounds like you have just one , when I had my first at I could do all that and more at 12 weeks!! It was the easiest stage tbh…. All changed dramatically when they found their feet and voice. By our 3rd we had become wise and did a total house renovation timed pre mobile dc as we could get so much done when they were small.
The ops child is 4 years old and in lots of ways that’s a lot more of a impact than one small baby 😂
Op I would carve out time when you have some time off work , exercise is brilliant as it will give you energy and all the blood flow will make you look better too.

Snap @PeterRabbitagain , my house was immaculate also with my first baby and he wasn’t even an easy one. I remember wondering why plp with older kids seemed so tired and me the one with a newborn !!

Mine's 40 now, and I have pretty much all the time back. It does take a while, though. 😁