What age should children say please and thank you

[Itsachickenwrap]

... spontaneously without reminding?

Ds is 4.5 and still needs reminding most of the time, it's driving me crazy!

I don't think he's trying to be rude as will happily say it when prompted but still. It's also not a speech issue as he can talk for England.

Just wondering if it's normal or if we didn't instil it in him early enough so I can do better with DS2!

He asked for a snack earlier and I had to remind him to say please, and explained how important it was.

5 minutes later he just shouted "thirsty!", presumably expecting me to bring him some water. It's really offended me!

A friend who works in Prinary says that they start remembering unprompted about aged 8. His comment was that so long as when you say ‘what do you say?’ Or equivalent and they say it then that’s fine.

Not helpful but DD has been doing it mostly unprompted since she was nearly 3. Some take longer than others.

We often give our Cubs (8-10) reminders.

My kids have been doing it since about three.

Humans are by nature very lazy, if we can shout thirsty and get our needs met we won’t try any harder

consistency is the only answer, if it’s the way to get what they want they will do it. Once they know to do it they will do it with people who they are trying to impress

Let them see you’re offended and DO NOT give out anything when they bark orders at you or they will keep doing it and it doesn’t get any cuter!

DS 10 still needs reminding.

My teenagers appear to have forgotten at times when talking to me or their Dad 🙄.

Small children learn to say it more quickly if you model being polite and always say please and thank you to them.

It helps if the adults in the household always use please and thank you when they ask for or receive something. That way, it’s a normal part of the way people speak to one another. If the only person in the house that is expected to say please and thank you is the child, they don’t get the message that it’s expected every time.

2

DD (turns 3yo in a couple of months) usually says it without being reminded

4.5 is pretty young. I would try to relax a bit, make sure you model please and thank you and they will get there.

He asked for a snack earlier and I had to remind him to say please, and explained how important it was. How important is it, really? The risk of you being too obsessed about it is you are giving him the perfect way to wind you up.

5 minutes later he just shouted "thirsty!", presumably expecting me to bring him some water. It's really offended me! Unnecessary to get offended by a 4.5 year old. Just ignore him when he is rude, and give loads of praise when he is polite. Sounds like you are reacting to the negative stuff and not responding enough to the positive.

As for being offended, it only gets worse so you may want to work on not giving a shit!!

Thanks! I'm so envious of those of you with 3 year olds who do it, and slightly reassured by all the other comments.

I do think we were a bit lax with it when he was little so he's taking longer. I will have to persevere and channel my most patient self!

And yes, we've definitely been consistent and he's not getting anything until he's said please. Is it OK to tell him it's rude when he shouts orders? Or is it like saying naughty and it makes them feel labelled and they then want to do it more? Minefield!

Utterly depends. It’s like saying ‘when should children be able to put their own clothes on?’ Some can do so at age 4, others need help with clothing into early primary school.

Do you make sure you always do it? I notice many parents of the ‘what’s the MAGIC WORD’ variety spend more time dangling things over their child shouting say thank you than they do actually using manners to the child themselves. I make sure I always say please/thanks when I ask the kids for something otherwise I really can’t have expectations of them. Although if one of mine shouted ‘THIRSTY’ expecting me to jump and fetch them a drink I’d tell them off because that’s rude.

Ignoring is the single greatest power you have.

Ignore the bad, respond to the good.

If you analyse yourself I bet you are droning on when he forgets and say very little when he remembers? You are supposed to give seven times as many pieces of praise for each piece of criticism.

Youngest ds is 5 and he forgets often.

I never tell him to say please or thank you though. But we often have conversations that go:
Me: Ds, do you want an apple or tangerine?
Ds: I want an apple.
Me: Oh you do, do you? [eyebrow raise]
Ds: Ohhh I want an apple PLEASE!

If he yelled 'thirsty' at me I think I'd do another eyebrow raise and say 'oh, are you?' then ignore until he asked nicely.

I raise my eyebrow a lot, as you can tell 😂

DD is 5.5 and is getting better - often just a pause and looking at her expectantly gets her to say it. Or I'll whisper to her / prep her before we see the person - like 'we're going to say by to Mary and her Mum now, remember to say bye bye and thank you for inviting me'

I'm trying very hard not to be like my DM, who used to jump in with 'say thank you!' before the other person had even finished speaking, or handing me the gift/whatever, or even cutting me off as I was saying thank you! Made me feel so embarrassed, even when I was tiny.

My two year old is a prolific thanker "fanchoo mummy!!!"

My 5yo is pretty good but does need reminders. He's better at please than thank you.

Pretend you do not hear your child unless they use manners?

I have an almost 3 year old who remembers most of the time, and a just turned 5 year old who’s not so great. The older one remembers pretty quickly after a raised eyebrow type look, or we ignore the request until it’s rephrased.

DD5 says please/thank you more often than not, does sometimes need reminding. I usually just say ‘what do you say?’ Or ‘say it again with manners please’ and she does.

DD2 picked up on it really early, I think because of us reminding DD1. So she’s been saying please and thank you since 18 months and it’s rare she doesn’t. She’s 2 now and says ‘you’re welcome’ when you thank her as well, which I find really funny and I have no idea where she got it from.

DD is coming up 3 and people comment on how little she needs prompting or reminding to say please and thank you.

Today in Costa (treat after my blood test 😂) she had a babyccino, she shouted thank you for her milk and chocolate and the barista was so surprised, and commented.

BUT, I don't feel we've been pushy/gloaty at all she's honestly just took our lead and copied modelled behaviours from quite young from me and DH using manners when out and about/to each other.

My DD is 2.2 and says Please for everything and sometimes thank you (mostly when prompted). Her favourite when she gets under your feet is Sorry Poppet.

They really do mirror behaviours :)

Mine began saying please and thank you unprompted between the ages of 3 to 4 and have needed less and less reminding as they got older. My 4.5yo still needs reminding often, 7yo barely ever needs reminding.

My youngest used to just say an aggressive "thiiiirsty" to me until recently 🤣 I also got offended by it even though I knew it was irrational to be.

DS is 3 and doesn't need to be promoted.

I'd be less bothered about the lack of 'please' and 'thank you' than the being shouted at aggressively to get something. The former would get a gentle reminder, the latter would get a stern warning that we don't talk to people like that.