How do you survive with 2 children?!

[SnowBall86]

Hi lovelies, please can you share hacks and secrets with me as to how you parent 2 kids?
my DS is 5 and I have 3mo baby. Whilst lovely, she is hard work. I feel like I spend so much time with her, I’m neglecting my son. She’s unsettled in the evenings, so when my son comes back from school I can’t spend any time with him because bm baby girl is so grouchy. My DH is helping with school run sometimes and sometimes he’ll take DS to play football. It breaks my heart when I snap at DS because I feel so stressed with screaming baby (she also likes to put herself to sleep in a dark room with white noise all by herself however she’s a very very light sleeper, so wakes up when DS talks or makes a sound and then she gets really really upset). I feel like such shit mom to my DS. He’s the nicest 5 yo I know, he adores his sister but I can see how sad he gets when we don’t spend any time together or when I’m telling him off (for nothing really, just being a child asking for snacks, to change TV channel etc)…

Feed her at 7am while you give you DS breakfast, then 10.30am, 2pm, 5pm and 6.30pm.

Naps at 9-10am, 12-2pm and 4-5pm while you give your DS tea.

Dream feed at 10pm.

Keep it up for a week.

Also, obviously your DH should be helping you when he can, but realistically, he’s out at work most of the time. I had exactly the same experience, so I knew it was up to me to make it work. This is on you, so you need to find a solution that works for everyone.

Seriously, try the routine.

My husband was at work for the majority of the hours they were awake. I went with the put baby in a cot/bouncer/pram/under my arm method and ran around after the almost 3 year old. Little one got used to the routine pretty quickly as bath, story etc was always the same time because I did them both at the same time and they fell in step quite nicely. Good luck, it'll work out fine

I have a 4 year old DD and 8 month old DS, when DS was born I felt incredibly guilty as I was focused on him and felt I was neglecting her. Don't worry, this does pass, it just takes time to adjust from going from 1 child to 2! My DD adores her little brother and get her involved with him, asking her to get me a nappy or wipes. She puts on songs for him when he's upset, we all sit together and read a book. Recently I've asked her to help holding his bottle if there's a knock on the door and I need to get it whilst feeding him. Just try to include your son with whatever you're doing for the baby and as baby gets a bit bigger, things will get easier. My dd is always singing to her little brother or jumping around playing peak a boo with my him and in return she gets lots of laughs and giggles from him.

@benning i agree, a routine will make things easier. How do you get your baby to sleep for 2h though? Mine puts herself to sleep, all I do is switch white noise for her. However she still naps for 30/40 min only and wakes up happy as Larry! She won’t be rocked back to sleep or fed back to sleep… if she slept for 30 min, she is tired after 40/50 … and if she slept for 40, she may last 1h20 or so.

I also have a 5 year old and a 3 month old, I understand the guilt in no longer being able to give the oldest your full attention. Things that I have found helped are taking DS to the park while baby naps in the sling, or asking DS to read to baby if he is having a nap on me. Baby is EBF so no one else can do feeds but when he is awake and happy, he can lie on his play mat for a bit next to the table and I can do painting or whatever with DS. My DH works from home 6.00-2:30 so he can do the school pick ups but appreciate that’s not possible for everyone. On weekends your DH could take the baby so you can spend some time with your DS.

@Aretheyhavingalaugh thanks for sharing, that’s really sweet! I guess I may have to wait for my daughter to grow up a little. I’m just feeling overcome with mum guilt at the moment. Feeling like I should be spending more time with my son and enjoying baby more… because they stay this little only for such short while.

This one was probably the best in that it covered both emotional/psychological stuff and practical stuff quite well: Coping with Two: A Stress-free... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1848508123?ref=ppxpoppmobappshare

I can't honestly say I've followed any of the advice though, just went into survival mode as soon as baby was born and forgot everything I'd read while pregnant 😂

Dunno. DC are 7 and 4 and it feels tougher than ever (sorry OP, not what you wanted to hear!). The 2.5 yr age gap means they do play together...but they also fight a LOT, I'd say 60% of our parenting is given over to mediation.

Routine helps, well for us it's an absolute must. Supportive partner ideally, giving each other time off and trying not to neglect your own relationship. Feels like DH and I are often co parenting house mates although we're getting to a better place.

I didn't know two would be so hard, if I'm honest. Adore both of mine, but life is exhausting and relentless. Do not know how people manage with more than two.

Also. While baby is still non mobile the sling/carrier is your best friend. I was mostly able to do everything I wanted to with DD whilst DS was in his Ergo. Not for everyone but it meant I was hands free and able to give my attention.

Just keep at it, every day. Don’t feed her to sleep, feed her at the set times (a good feed from both breasts) so she has a nice full tummy.

And just keep putting her down at the same times every day. The 9-10am nap can be done in a pram if you want, just to get her in the routine.

Then once she’s having a good nap from 9-10 she’ll start having a 2-hour nap from 12-2. Weirdly, the more they sleep in the day the more they want to sleep iyswim.

In terms of your DS, I find that the 7am feed is a good time to give him breakfast, then the 5pm feed can be done while he’s eating his tea and chatting to you.

5.30-7pm is ALWAYS a bit fraught with a little baby, but if your DS has a bath then you could put baby in with him for a bit (they love this) and the time will pass. The 6.30pm feed is a good chance for a story with your DS.

Can you maybe spend one night a week out with DS just you and him? Maybe watch him at football and leave DD with DH?

it’s difficult but hang in there, it will get easier and as DD gets older you’ll be able to do more with DS and things won’t feel so bad

Also, if she wakes up after 40 mins, give her a few minutes to see if she’ll settle herself. They often do.

@SnowBall86
My high needs baby was a micronapper and hated the sling too.
Also EBF.
She needed to be rocked to sleep though, and woke several times per night until she was 2.5

When your baby is old enough to cut back to two naps you may find she naps longer. Days will be darker and your DS will be out at school. Baby will also be spending time on a blanket on the floor soon and trying to roll over. She'll feel physically tired out.

I would definitely try a back carrier when she can sit up. Mine was like a hiking backpack. I popped fretful DD into it and got on with cooking and heading out to the park or trips to the local library.

This is why I switched to bottle feeding with dc2, I felt I was spending the whole time tied to the sofa and dc1 was missing out so much. DH was amazing when he was home but was out of the house from 6-6 so realistically a lot fell to me during the week.

know some people can bf on the go but I couldn't.

I think 3m is very early to have a solid routine, I BF both mine and around 6m I started noticing their patterns. For my second I downloaded just chill baby sleep routine for and followed their daily routine to the “T” it worked like a charm.

@Autumn2022 thanks so much for the recommendation! I’ll look into it. Does Rosey suggest any CIO?

@alrightfella I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think that bottle feeding would be so much easier for all us. I do remember however with my son BF’ing became so much more manageable around 8 months mark though. I just don’t know if I have this much patience this time around.

@mathanxiety that’s a brilliant idea to have baby on your back! My DS hates if I bend any way whilst wearing her. She hates Ergo but ok in Babybjorn (that one is not 360 though) Gosh, 2.5 years! I hope you have plenty of opportunities to catch up on missed sleep now.

@ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor yeah, that’s what I’m hoping for. When she’s a bit older I can ask DH to look after her whilst I do things with my son. Now, I also need to figure how to have an evening out with my DH at some point 🙈

@benning thats a good advice and routine, thanks! I really don’t think she will take to it just yet though. I do give her time to settle and she just won’t, she’s just not sleepy anymore. And I can’t make her drink more than she does (she seem to prefer eating little and often). She just shuts her mouth and turns away from boob. Which is a surprise for me because my DS could spend all day drinking if I let him. Things change though so quick with babies! What worked one day doesn’t necessarily work the next…

@tealandteal that’s how I pictured our days when I was pregnant with DD. When she is happy and content, then we can do that. Only she’s happy and content when my son is at school and a little bit of a mare from 4pm onwards… suppose it will be better when she’s on solids and a bit more mobile (or worse because I will have to spend more time trying to stop her from injuring herself 🙈)

@Favouritefruits thats a very interesting piece of advice! Indeed, I tend to go to baby first as I feel like I can talk to my son and my DD crying sends my cortisol through the roof…

Baby is 5 weeks old now, i don't want to be only one who can settle him, so thats why once i've fed him my DH can have him while he watches tv or whatever, this age is easy as baby just feeds and sleeps so we can carry on largely as normal. Will get much harder the older DS gets as he will need more interaction.

Also OP if you don’t already, get a good sling. Number 2 lived in his when he was small.

I have a 5 month old DS and a 16 month old DD. It’s extremely difficult🫠 my DS spent 6 weeks in NICU and was recently diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder. He has weekly hospital appointments and/or physio or OT so all my attention goes to him.

What worked for me was setting time aside for DD. I now take her to a toddler group every Weds and Fri so I get time with her but also so she can be more social with other kids. DS stays home with their dad. It’s really difficult but once you have a steady routine and find a way to give enough attention to both kids then it gets a bit better

Honestly I think a lot of the time this bit is inevitably shit. All you can do is get through it as best you can, tag team as much as possible and rebuild the relationships with your partner and other child when the baby is at an easier stage. Try not to let the mum guilt get you down

It's really important your address those feelings. My DS used to say something similar when DD arrived and I just explained to him (over and over) something along the lines: I'm looking after the baby a lot more because babies need a lot of help. When you were little I had to change your nappy and feed you too (we would then look at pictures of him as a baby). I miss playing with you too. Why don't I sit here and you build/draw something and show me? I can't wait to play with you in the evening/on the weekend/in the bath etc.'. That seems to have helped a lot.

Also sling, I would really focus on getting your little one into sleeping in the sling. It was a game changer. I spent many, many early days sitting on the floor building Lego with my DS while DD snoozed in the sling.

It. Will. Get. Better.

I make this clear to anyone struggling with a new baby and an older child because when I was in this situation I felt like that was my life now. Mine do have a much smaller age gap which comes with different challenges (not being able to explain to my older child who was 20 months what was happening and why, having two babies at home all day needing all of my time and attention and hubby working away - only being home 1 day a week) but my baby was like yours, needed to be on me all day, cried if I put him down and my toddler turned into the devil which I put down to his mummy taking attention away from him for a new child - the guilt was REAL!

my baby is 17 months now and such a joy. He plays independently, eats well and sleeps through the night. My other child is happy and it’s like nothing happened. Everything just fell into place when he turned 12 months.

As for routine, I found with both of mine that I couldn’t force one, I had to wait for them both to naturally fall into their own routine, and it turned out they were very in sync with eachother so that helped. It was around 4-5 months when this happened.

you’re in the storm right now, baby is so young. I don’t have many memories from age 5 I don’t think your older child will remember this and be forever affected by it. Just look at all the well adjusted adult siblings that are around, I’m sure their mums struggled. have you ever heard anyone talking about the horrendous time they went through as a small child when their baby sibling was born? Most people only remember the fond times other than normal sibling rivalry.

don’t be so hard on yourself and just know this is a blip in time that will pass so quickly!