How important are “school mum friends”

[SpinningFloppa]

I’ve never made any mum friends at my kids school despite everyone saying once my kids go school I would have loads of mum friends, I’m shy and socially awkward so unless I really forced myself it hasn’t happened naturally, no one really speaks to anyone and there isn’t a class WhatsApp (only heard about them on here!) play dates don’t happen and dd year 1 has never had a party invite though she does have friends, i just don’t think these are things at their school as it was the same for my older children. Anyway moving on how important are mum friends? Does anyone still stay in contact with the mums their kids were friends with at primary school when they leave school? I don’t know anyone who does still have a friendship with mums their kids went to school with so just wondered?

I think if you don't invite any of their friends over or have birthday parties then that is part of the reason.

In reception/yr1 and 2 there were so many birthday parties and it's how we all got to know each other. A bit of reciprocal invitations and chances to chat.

Later on the parties and invites reduce to specific friends and often they're the ones you get to know.

However I'm mum friends with 5 or 6 mums that my kids don't play with anymore, but used to in infants. We meet every week or 2 and celebrate adult birthdays now our kids aren't in each other's lives so much.

And they're really important to me. But that's not to say they're not important to everyone. I'm sure if you don't want friends it's fine now to have them!!

My mum is late 70s, I'm mid 40s and she has moved city but still travels back twice a month to the city I grew up in to see the friends she made at the school gates.

I have a lot of amazing friends from the school, I never understand people who say "all you have are kids in common..." as we are a similar age, life stage, we have chosen to live in the same area in the same city as each other (an area where you are choosing vibrancy and culture over affording a bigger house). That's more than I have in common with some of my oldest friends.

I think it's really important, we help each other with childcare, we talk through things that our kids might struggle with and now my DD is at high school we msg each other when the gang of girls have gone back to someone's house and we might wonder where they are. I genuinely care about their kids and they care about mine. I also have friends I've made, where our kids don't get on particularly well - they are brilliant and its great having local people you know, bumping into people etc.

On a smaller level, the kids benefit because if there is something fun happening locally, I'm more likely to have someone tell me and there will be people they know there. We share lifts to activities, so they can do more things. We ask what gifts they would like and can swap books etc around. My shy, ASD DD has definitely been invited to more parties than she would have been if I wasn't friendly with the parents.

There is nothing to lose, don't look for reasons not to try and make friends - scout out the people you think you'd like to know - life can only be the richer for it!

We live in a village. I'm not friends with any of the school mums. I know them cos its a village and everyone knows everyone. I might smile, nod, say Hi or have a quick superficial chat with some. But nothing beyond that. The kids play out together so don't need parents to facilitate play dates or socialising.

As I said she was a may birthday so they wouldn’t have known, she was born later in the year than most I’m guessing

My experience with school mum's wasn't great to be honest. I'm sure other people have been luckier. My daughter is an only child so it was important for me to make mum friends to ensure she had lots of company for playdates and the summer holidays in primary school.

Unfortunately her two best friends were the children of two women who were just nasty underhand bullies in our group. I hung in there to not affect my daughter but it was very unpleasant at times with the behaviours going on (malicious gossip, excluding, humiliation and sarcasm) and I was relieved to ditch the lot of them when she started high school, which was different to the schools her friends ended up in.

Daughter has turned out confident, with some good friends from high school but not sure I would go through all that nastiness again.

As I pointed out I wasn’t saying it’s because it’s London I was saying why I think my own mother isn’t still friends with my old school friends.

To me, very. My kids are 13 and 16, and two of my closest friends are people I met in the playground in those first weeks. We’ve got each other through bereavements, cancer, miscarriage and more.

Plenty more of the school parents I would say hello to at school events, but they are not my friends, not my people.

We don’t have a class WhatsApp. The mums at the gate in the morning nod and say hello but that’s all. It looks like we all work, we’re dressed in various work clothes and we drop our kids and run. I work reduced hours so I can pick up, but at pickup time there’s virtually no other mums, it’s all grandparents and childminders. So I don’t know how we’d have a play date anyway, given that all the kids are being cared for instead of going home.

I'm exactly the same. Say hello in the yard but that's about it. Have a couple of mums numbers for play dates but would only ever get in touch re: a play date for dd. Same when my eldest was in primary. No class WhatsApp for either child!

Not big on the whole school mum friends. I see them as acquaintances even after these years and back off when there have been suggestions that I could look after their dc here and there. They are going to be late from work one day, is there any chance..? No. Pay for the after school club, my house is not a pick up point for late parents. DC very sociable get invited to parties etc. lack of closeness to other school mums not impacted on them. The ones that do get close to each other end up falling out through misunderstandings.

Glad it’s not just me whose school doesn’t have class WhatsApp it’s like unheard of on here!

I'm not friends with any of the school mums and tbh I'm quite happy with that but then I'm not a big 'friend' person. He's had parties and been to other kids parties but I'm not friends with their mums. I also don't stand and chat in the playground when I get chance pick him up!

I'm on the WhatsApp because I was dragged into it, but I'll admit , the reminders for PE days, non uniform etc are an effing godsend.
I don't have mummy friends purposely. I'll chat sometimes but I'm pretty alternative and private and all they seem to do is seem to compete and brag, and act overly nauseatingly, fake-nice , all 'yeah babe of course, ooh hun you're sooo generous to lend me that costume- darling honestly any time' sometimes I pop in and I'm like 🤨...🤢...it's just not me 😄 no one usually responds to my messages because I'm not in the hun clique🤷🏻‍♀️ FB was the same so I binned that off years ago.

With eldest child I used to be very sociable - chatting at the gates, making an effort to be friendly.
By child number three I wait in the car, try to avoid eye contact and the thought of a meet-up coffee date for class parents makes me shudder.
Been there. Done that.
Prefer a quieter life nowadays and to stick to my regular friends whether they're mums or not.

There's a very sexy 'school dad' though and he makes the whole primary drudge run thing a million times better 😁 talk about phwor. I'd much rather look at him!

Omg the high pitched overly keen, overly loud sing song school-gate mum talk 🤮 take it down a notch

My feeling is that making friends with mums is no different to making friends with people you meet anywhere else - at work, at the gym, at a class, etc. some people you'll click with, some will be people you chat with, others you won't get in with.

My best friend is the Mum of my DS2. We met 19 years ago when the boys went to nursery together. Next weekend I'm going away with a group of three women who I met when my DS1 (23) started primary school. I joined the pta which was a great fun at if getting to know people, we used to have nights out or at one another's houses and formed friendships. Many of these have drifted away over the years but I still bump into people and chat to them.

Going back to your question about whether it's important to have mum friends, I guess it depends on how important it is to you to make new friends?

I have one ‘school mum’ friend - but we actually met before our kids started school through a baby group. There’s a whatsapp group but it’s not really social, just practical.
I have no need or interest in making friends with other parents at the school gate - I already have enough friends and a social life, I don’t need to prop it up through random parents of children my child goes to school with. I mean if people happen to make conversation at the gate and click then that’s lovely, as it would be in any location, but I think these threads where women seem to set out to make friends in the playground is just bonkers and a little sad.
I’ll consider starting to worry about making ‘mum friends’ when making ‘dad friends’ at the school gate becomes a thing. Which it won’t. This whole attitude of building yourself a social life around your child going to school sets feminism back around 50 years in my opinion. It’s a bit sad and embarrassing.

I’m friendly with mums at school but they know very little about me and vice versa. It’s purely being pleasant to each other at the school gate/parent whatsapps. I’d be happy to get to know them better but I also have other friends so don’t ‘need’ to be close friends with school parents.

As for parties, they are really expensive so I think probably people are having less. Mine have only had a handful of friends round. I’m just too busy with work and poor to host massive parties. Doesn’t mean you or your daughter aren’t liked.

I think it depends what you mean by "friends". For me a friend is someone that I'd see regularly, we'd know each other pretty well, and they'd be around to support me (and me them) if needed. Obviously a friend is therefore someone who you'll have known for a while.

Other people seem to call people "friends" if they chat to them in the playground for a few minutes a day.

I think having "mum Friends" is not important. Having people you can call on to help in an emergency is. However, IME you naturally get to know your DC's closest friends parents and they can often fill that gap.

My child just started year one so I’m still fairly new at the school mum thing. I’m in the WhatsApp group, and I find it helpful/reassuring/annoying 😂 all depends on what people are talking about.
Ive invited some children for play dates (with and without parents), we’ve been to parties, we had a party for my child. For me, I’d be happy to build friendships, I’ve only lived in this area for 3 years, I’m now a SAHM, I like having neighbours and acquaintances to say hello to.

My DC are year 8 and year 12. I have probably 5 or 6 good "school mum" friends. DD has had the same best friend since she was 3 and now theye 16. They've been through a lot together and I'm really good friends with her mum although now the girls are more independent we don't see each other as much.

MN in general seems not to like "school mums" or class whatsapps. I like both, and have found it helpful to have friends (in general!!) to arrange lift shares to hobbies/parties etc, or someone to call if you are delayed getting to school (all arrangements are mutual - I'm not just asking favours constantly!

I think there is a difference between school mum friends who are actual friends, and school mum friends who you chat to in order to support your own child’s friendships.

I have my own non-school friends and am not looking for new ones, but I absolutely chat to DS’s friends’ parents, both at clubs and at the school gate. I plan to stop when he is old enough to sort out his own friendships, but at age 5 he needs my help.

I didn't have any. I didn't do the school run so wasn't around to meet any and when I hosted playdates or parties I always encouraged the parents to drop them off rather than stay. I also didn't do class what's app groups, I didn't see a point. I have lots of friends from other areas of my life and just had no interest in the parents from school.