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Things I never want to hear again as a parent

53 replies

Confusion101 · 22/09/2022 10:36

A thread on things I have hated hearing during pregnancy / becoming a mother for the first time. I'll start with 3, for now!

Disclaimer: somewhat lighthearted, somewhat I am going to punch someone in the face if I hear these things... But am not trying to start arguments with anybody about why people might say these!

  1. "just wait..."... It seems no matter what stage you are of parenting or pregnancy, it's about to get a whole lot worse so don't complain about it or you will be met with "oh just wait". E.g. "oh your boobs are sore now. Just wait until your milk comes in"... "oh you are tired now? Just wait until they are teens and you are up all night worrying about them".


2. "nap when they nap"... The most unrealistic thing for me. It might happen once a day if things are going to plan, which they rarely do with babies. Food needs to be made, pets fed, bottles sterilised, wash on, catch up with family / friends, etc etc...

3. "and how did they sleep last night".... For me so far there are only 2 answers. Either they kept to their routine, (I know I'm one of the lucky ones here) which I am blue in the face telling the same people over and over so they should know by now, or else they didn't in which case I am probably tired and kranky and don't need to be reminded I got eff all sleep last night.
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Upsadiddles · 22/09/2022 12:51

“Is she a good sleeper?”

No. She doesn’t believe in sleep, doesn’t seem to need it, and I can’t believe I’m actually still alive.

”Oh. Have you tried a good routine?”

Wow. I never thought of that! A routine you say? Genius. There’s me making every night as different as I possibly can, just to keep things interesting, because I haven’t read that advice in every baby book or on every desperate midnight googling session, and I am clearly completely stupid with no common sense. Thank the lord you arrived with your pearls of wisdom to save me from myself.

(DD1 now sleeps no problem, and DD2 has been a dream sleeper from the start. I feel
like tracking down every random who uttered the word ‘routine’ to me and letting them know it wasn’t me, it was her!)

Ooh that was quite cathartic.

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Confusion101 · 22/09/2022 12:56

I'm gona add in people's response to baby's weight... It's either "oh small baby, did you sneeze her out!?" (this was said to me) or else "oh wow big baby, God help you". I don't know what the weight is that crosses the threshold from small baby to big baby but there seems to be no inbetween!

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OfficiallyBroken · 22/09/2022 13:04

"A child would never starve itself, they'll eat if they're hungry" - advice given on fussy eater

Nope, my eldest even now as a reasonably sensible teenager would rather go without food than eat something that isn't "right". School residential trips were horrendous, she'd always come back absolutely starving having only survived on the bread portions they served at meal times.

I could have cheerfully slapped anyone uttering that sentence at me.

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DeadButDelicious · 22/09/2022 13:05

'Is she good?' Which is loosely translated as 'does she sleep?'.

Any grump, grizzle, moan etc 'oh, it must be teeth'.

'Muuuuuuuuuuummy...'

I've also learnt to be wary of silence. Silence means mischief.

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babyyodaxmas · 22/09/2022 13:14

I have a DS and a Dd 2.5 years younger. On hearing this
" ohhh a pigeon pair, aren't you lucky/ aren't you clever ?".

Actually I think it's a bit sad neither had a same sex sibling as my sister is my world and they didn't do much playing nicely together. I would have quite liked a third but the 2008 financial crash saw to that and I became the main earner.

Even if this was my ideal family, intelligence has got fuck all to do with it.

And breathe...

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PinkButtercups · 22/09/2022 13:31

'Your bump is huge, you've gotten so big' well yes incase it's escaped your notice I have two in there and this is my second pregnancy so if you don't mind kindly fucking off with your comments.

Also carrying twins you get
'Was it IVF?' - No, and that so rude to ask.
'Double Trouble'
'Rather you than me' - Yeah me to.

My DS (3) had a meltdown in the street before and this older lady came up to me and said 'oh you're naughty boy aren't you, back in my day..' I cut her straight off and said no thank you. He isn't naughty and I don't care what you did in your day tbh Nora.

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Eeksteek · 22/09/2022 13:50

@Upsadiddles This. ALL OF THIS. If I couldn’t solve her sleep problems with the squillions of hours I put into research on the back of my two degrees (one of them in health) I don’t think your glib, extremely basic, first-thing-in-the-leaflet advice is going to help, now. Do you? No. It fucking isn’t.

She never slept. Not from birth. She does now, BECAUSE OF THE PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION. We don’t even have a routine now. It wasn’t the routine.

What makes you think she has ADHD? She doesn’t fidget.

From DD ‘can I tell you something funny?’ (Spoiler. It is never, ever funny) and lately ‘Can I show you a TikTok?’

Also rans ‘In a minute’, ‘but I don’t want to brush my teeth’ and ‘what can I eat?’

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ChildWontStopGrowing · 22/09/2022 13:57

From my husband, at 10:30 when the toddler makes the slightest noise over the baby monitor; "will we bring him in with us?"

NO HUSBAND, HE'LL CLIMB OVER US ALL NIGHT AND I'D LIKE TO HAVE SOME SLEEP

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Apollonia1 · 22/09/2022 14:01

I've boy/girl twins. I'm amazed by the number of people who ask me if they're identical.

From the twins:
They're playing (suspiciously) quietly in the next room. Then I hear them coming to me, saying "broken". I'm always afraid to look at what is broken!

My 2.5 yr daughter climbing somewhere dangerous. I say "be careful". She always replies "no worry mama"

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pantsofshame · 22/09/2022 14:17

From well meaning MIL, whenever she became aware of any problem (major or minor) with one of the DC - 'Are you sure, we never had that with [DH]' and/or
'Have you tried [insert blindingly obvious thing that absolutely anyone would definitely have tried already].

I know she cares but it can be quite a battle not to shout at her that I'm not a bloody idiot so of course I've tried X.

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pantsofshame · 22/09/2022 14:25

OfficiallyBroken · 22/09/2022 13:04

"A child would never starve itself, they'll eat if they're hungry" - advice given on fussy eater

Nope, my eldest even now as a reasonably sensible teenager would rather go without food than eat something that isn't "right". School residential trips were horrendous, she'd always come back absolutely starving having only survived on the bread portions they served at meal times.

I could have cheerfully slapped anyone uttering that sentence at me.

Agree. My friend has a young autistic child with anxieties about food/sensory issues etc. I have no idea how she keeps calm when people repeatedly tell her this (like she's some silly over indulgent parent who is making matters worse for her child). The child is being assessed by medical professionals and has had to be fed by a feeding tube in hospital on several occasions when he made himself ill by refusing to eat. So no, random person, not every child will eat if they are hungry.

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awwbiscuits · 22/09/2022 14:28

Put them down drowsy but awake.

Biggest load of bollocks I'd ever heard with dd! She was a non sleeper.

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Calphurnia88 · 22/09/2022 14:29

Mine have a recurrent theme 😁

'Do you have a routine?' when baby was only 2wo

'How does he sleep/did he sleep last night/is he sleeping through yet?' 🤯 unless you're offering to take a shift, stop asking new mums (or any mums) how their babies are sleeping. If we want to talk about it, we will

'Have you tried... <a dummy/white noise/baby massage/Ewan the Sheep>? I get that people are trying to be helpful, but most mums who have Bad Sleepers have tried pretty much everything. A baby who needs rocking or feeding to sleep isn't going to be too impressed with a light up sheep as a substitute

'Is he good?' I'm pretty sure this is another sleep related one, but after 6mo I'm still not sure how to answer this question other than yes! since babies aren't inheritantly bad

'You need to teach your baby how to sleep!' when baby was 12wo and I told a friend I fed him to sleep. Sleep training is a really controversial topic and I won't judge those who do it out of sheer desperation, but I will say that my friends method of teaching involved an hour of crying whilst DH patted him. No thank you

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Rakszasa · 22/09/2022 14:48

"Oh, are you having twins?" or "you look like you can give birth tomorrow" , said to me by multiple people from 5 months of pregnancy (my bump was actually on the small side)
"Oh, you look so tired"
"Colostrum is not nutritious enough for him, you need to give formula", about my 2 day old.
"Is he good? "
"It's not normal he's waking up after an hour, after feeding he should sleep for 3h straight, your milk is not enough"

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Spudlet · 22/09/2022 15:01

’He needs discipline’

‘We wouldn’t have put up with that in my day’

In ‘your day’ a child like mine wouldn’t have been diagnosed with ASD and yes, he probably would have had seven shades of shit leathered out of him on a regular basis and you know what? He’d still have been autistic. Just autistic and miserable. You great knob.

‘He doesn’t look autistic’

Oh sorry! I haven’t got around to having it tattooed on his forehead yet!

’Autism this and autism that - in my day we didn’t have any of that, we just saw
naughty children for what they were and didn’t make excuses’

Thanks for taking the time to comment. Feel free to drop dead any time soon.

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Confusion101 · 22/09/2022 15:24

One I've heard being said to a parent of a child with autism "and will he get better"..... 😳😳😳 Dunno how the mother didn't swing for her!

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OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 22/09/2022 15:36

“Hello Mrs Fuckery, this is the school calling. Little Fuckery is in sick bay...”

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Isaidnoalready · 22/09/2022 17:55

"Gives good eye contact" rules out autism

Actually it doesn't unless he has his glasses on which is a ridiculous mild prescription and randomly means he looks me in the eye I was actually uncomfortable with it im not used to eye contact from my children 🤣

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LegoFiends · 22/09/2022 18:06

Sleep when the baby sleeps — presumably you clean when the baby cleans and cook when the baby cooks?

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newtb · 22/09/2022 18:17

When asked to do something "I'll just.........."

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Roseinbloom20 · 22/09/2022 18:29

I have two boys 3.5 years apart and sometimes dress them the same and they both have a cropped haircut (it's easier and we do it at home save going to the barbers) I've been asked on more than one occasion if they are twins....

Also, "oh will you try for a girl?" I actually did have a girl, she was stillborn at 31 weeks a year before DS2 was born but I'm not going to give my life story to strangers every time this question comes up (I know if I did go for another baby and had a boy again I'd just get the "oh 3 boys never mind" comments) 🤦🏻‍♀️ luckily I've got quite a thick skin and smile and say "oh no we're definitely done with our two"

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Confusion101 · 22/09/2022 19:32

Just thought of another one for during pregnancy... "Was it planned" 😳

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declutteringmymind · 22/09/2022 20:54

'They'll eat when they're hungry.' No they won't, they'll just throw a tantrum.

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HardLanding · 22/09/2022 20:57

“Is she good?”

By the time I had my third, it was met with a snarky “I caught her hacking HSBC last night, trying to erase everyone’s debt. I clapped and gave her a biscuit for being so clever”

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Greenfinch7 · 22/09/2022 20:58

They all catch up / It will all be fine in the end--- no sometimes it's not fine

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