Friends with money buying stuff for DS

[Pepperama]

Not sure how to handle this. Preteen DS and his mates are trying out their new independence and head to the local shops every day. My DS has some pocket money he can spend but just a few pound a week. His mates seem to be swimming in money and because DS isn’t, they buy themselves and him lots of stuff - Pokémon cards, plastic tat, slushies and sugary drinks etc. I don’t agree with buying so much unhealthy and landfill generating stuff every day so don’t really want to give him more money so he can even out. But I’m also deeply uncomfortable that he lets others pay for this stuff for him. He says it’d spoil everyone’s fun if he said he didn’t want any and that his friends don’t mind (and of course he really does want as many sweets and cards and whatever he can get hold of). I don’t want him to feel excluded but I really struggle with the spiral of more more more and the sheer amount of stuff that then just lies forgotten and doesn’t actually bring pleasure.

What would you do?

In your situation I'd realise I have a teenager who is educated to make the right choices. He clearly is okay with what's happening.

Yes plastic tat and sugary drinks aren't great but they're teenagers, it could be so much worse.

I think it’s very difficult to try to instill your values on a teen.very few teens don’t want that shit.

You want your preteen to take a moral stand against his friends when they're buying fun things?

Sorry to clarify - not expecting a 10-year old to take a stance but wonder if I need to give him more money so he can buy his own / treat his friends or is it up to them to decide if they want to buy for him too? They easily spend £10 or more each day as if it was nothing - I think it’s a lot of money which we can’t really afford.

Could you give him a little more so he can at least get his own drink? I know it’s sugary shite but I wouldn’t want him to be left out or relying on his friends to sub. So like £2 a day? Then if he wants the Pokemon tat he can use his pocket money. Only if you can afford it though!

I see your point op. The problem is he says his friends ''don't mind'', but is he asking/pressuring them? Is he an alpha male who they are intimidated by? We had a mate like that at that age and it did cause resentment.

It's a bad route for him to go-allowing others to pay for him with his delusions ''they don't mind'', generally they will do after a time and it will breed resentment and give him a bad reputation.

Look at the amount of threads on mn on this over cfers and the resentments they cause. I'd teach him to pay his own way and if he can't afford it then say no. These are values kids must learn young and it's the reasons there are so many cfer threads.

In your situation I'd realise I have a teenager who is educated to make the right choices. He clearly is okay with what's happening

only he's not a teen and no teens aren't educated to make the right choices, they need guidance, Ofcourse he is okay with it, others are paying his way and he's benefiting. That's toxic in friendships-just look at the amount of mn threads on it.

You want your preteen to take a moral stand against his friends when they're buying fun things

and someday he'll be a man with a gf writing in here about how she pays for everything and he'll be getting a hammering.

I think it’s very difficult to try to instill your values on a teen.very few teens don’t want that shit

i don't agree with this at all, we learn much from our parents and their values do impact us. If my kids was having stuff bought for them by mates I'd put a stop it to because I wouldn't want to be raising a kid labelled as a cfer/sponge/cocklodger. My kids pay their own way and I teach them that.

I’d explain to him that gift giving and treating someone are usually reciprocal (sp?) so it’s ok to accept something but you have to plan to give that person something back at some point.

It can’t be a one-way system all the time. I wouldn’t like the idea that the others are buying my DS’s friendship or time, if there’s any possibility that might be going on.

I think this is pretty normal. As they start getting to the past years of primary and doing some things independently there will be more of a difference in what different parents do. A boy in my dad's class was always given £20 for a day of playing with his friends and going to the park and TOLD by his mum that he had to use it to get his classmates a treat (ice creams etc). To be fair the class was very close knit and she liked to make the most of their last year at primary together. If my dd had some money and went with her friends to a shop they invariably pool resources and buy joint stuff (cakes, box of ice creams etc) and make sure no one is left out. I have no real advice only to say that it kind of settles down once the novelty has worn off!

It's a tough one OP. I know if I were in your position I wouldn't be able to give him that much every day but maybe enough once a week to treat himself and his mates to a drink and some cards each. I'd feel bad that the others were spending their money on him daily though. Are the other parents more well off than you maybe? I'd maybe go as another poster suggested and give him enough to buy his own drink every day and then if you can afford it, give a little more once a week to treat his friends to a drink, cards and a pack of sweets in return for their generosity.

Why not invite them back for post trip out snacks? You provide better options of food choices and let ds know his mates are always welcome.. Ime not all teenagers are welcome to have friends over! He can be cool in his own way then without you handing out £££

One Pancake Day my teen ds had about 8 mates over. Nobody else's dm was making pancakes apparently! Went down a storm! And ds was a majorly cool dc..

I think you need to stress to him the importance of paying his own way and not letting others pay for him except as an occasional thing. As part of that, you could have a sensible discussion with him about how much pocket money he and you think would be sensible to let him do a bit of what his friends do, and how he might be able to take on additional responsibilities at home in exchange for an increased amount.

And just to add, £10 per day is a ridiculous amount of money to spend at 10 years old. I'd say £2 per day then every Saturday (or whichever day you choose) give him £10 - £15 and explain to him why. Maybe give him a couple of jobs to do around the house to earn it. He's old enough to learn the value of money and that it doesn't just fall from the sky!

I’m shocked that 10 year olds are given £70+ to spend on shit each week. No wonder there’s an obesity crisis and how are kids supposed to learn the value of money if it’s handed over to them so easily for nothing in particular. I would give my DS a set amount of pocket money each week and explain to him that when it’s gone it’s gone and tell him that it’s impolite to keep accepting freebies from his friends.

Why would they need more snacks after eating a load of shite at the shop?

Why are pre-teens at the shop every day anyway?

Ds would suggest going to his later on instead of eating shite..

A boy in my dad's class was always given £20

Nice! £20 must have been a hell of a lot of money back in your dad's school days! 😅😉

Fed the whole school 😃

But I’m also deeply uncomfortable that he lets others pay for this stuff for him.

I clearly remember this happening to me. My mother gave me an advance in my pocket money and told me to go back and treat them and then not to accept treats if I couldn't return the favour.

It took a month for me to have any pocket money.

Good lesson, well learned. Especially after DM's sad death when I discovered just how wealthy she was.

I would teach mine to accept food/drink if the others wish to offer, and reciprocate where he can, but they should decline physical items and I agree with not buying tat in general!

I would teach mine to accept food/drink if the others wish to offer, and reciprocate where he can

Within reason though and kids can be taken of advantage here especially by more dominant children. It can blur boundaries if they are the ones always accepting and can lead to an expectation that x gives to y.

Yes, it can, but in my friendship group we had income disparity and I did just buy drinks for people sometimes. It really depends and kids do have to work stuff out for themselves a bit based on having been taught good manners.

But physical items are a no IMO.