Violent toddler. No idea how to stop him.

[lostinanovel]

I have a 3 year old son, and in a lot of ways he's a lovely little boy. He's very smart and switched on, he's sweet and can be very gentle and loving, he's got little friends at nursery and with my friends kids, nursery have no issues with his behaviour - but the level of aggression he can show towards his dad and me sometimes is really awful.

It's always linked to outbursts, he will do something and when told off he will escalate and escalate. I've tried to not tell him off in an obvious way, but re direct and explain what to do, it still happens. I've tried to avoid situations but it's impossible. I have reacted angrily, it's hard not to at some of the injuries I've had inflicted on me but overall am good at responding calmly, walking away, giving him an outlet/space. It's not getting better.

He scratches, deliberately. He hits and bites. He is getting worse too and today in the garden picked up a stone and threw it at my head and then got another and went to do it again. I took the stone away from him and he grabbed my face as hard as he can and has really hurt it. Took a good 30 seconds to prise his hands off.

I just feel so upset by it. He's going through a horrible stage at the moment with our dog, he says he's giving cuddles but he's practically putting him in a head lock and climbing on top of him and our dog is too gentle to react. We are obviously intervening every single time, trying to keep them apart, get in the way before he gets close etc but every single time it's resulting in violence. He will start screaming, hitting me, biting me, scratching me, I will walk away and then today he followed throwing stones before running at me screaming and scratching again. Currently sat here with a huge scratch on my face just wanting to cry. Feel like such a failure and just don't understand why he is like this.

So sorry to hear you are going through this
You are definitely not a failure - your care and concern shows you are a sensible committed parent , this is really difficult . I am no child care expert but it does get easier

Can you take a little break ? Bath , candle , book early night ?
I'm a bit worried about the dog , would hate to see the dog eventually crack and maybe bite him?

I'm thinking of asking my mum to let our dog go and live with her, she looks after him whenever we go anywhere and he is very happy there and it's just not fair on him. He's a very small gentle breed and he doesn't ever walk away when my son is getting on top of him. It's a new thing he's started doing, my son has never been that bothered before but all of a sudden it's just relentless and he won't leave him alone. It's what's causing almost all of his tantrums as I'm just constantly having to stop him, move the dog away, take the dog to another part of the house, physically remove my child off him and every single time it results in absolute screaming violent outbursts. We've tried sitting with our son and showing him how to stroke the dog gently, really praising this, explained that the dog bed is a no go zone, to give him space when he's sleeping etc but absolutely nothing works and I'm just at my wits end

I don’t think a candle is going to help with this behaviour. It is certainly not normal and needs discussion with health visitor or other professional.

Oh this sounds so tough, love you. Firstly, I'm also concerned about his access to the dog, they need to be seperated as no dog is a saint, eventually it will be one time too many. Protect them both from this situation.

This is a great website, but it's possible you've tried it all, you sound like you're doing a great job.

I think it would be wise to let the dog go to your mum, even if it's just for a little holiday to break the cycle.

My eldest child reacts awfully when "told off" and will just go on and on and has been violent in the past. It's much easier now he's older to talk through the behaviour and redirect but it's taken a long time to get here.

What do you do once he's stopped hurting? He’s old enough to know its wrong and that there will be a consequence. My grandson started hurting when he was almost 3. Once we started taking him to another room for time out, leaving him alone, he started to realise. He doesn’t hurt now 6 months on.

Remove the dog. Immediately. Take him to your Mum's right now. It's not fair to expect him to remain calm whilst this situation escalates.

Yes the poor dog needs to go to your mums. What are the consequences for his behaviour when he does this ?

What’s the consequence for his actions when he’s violent?

He does calm down and apologise, he'll come up and try and give kisses, say sorry and that hitting/biting/whatever he just did is naughty but if anything it just makes it worse because he knows it's wrong and continues to do it. We were supposed to be going to the park when it all kicked off earlier and he obviously didn't go and came up saying all his apologies and asking if he can go to the park now.

It's difficult because we can't restrain him anywhere until he calms down, he has a stair gate on his bedroom door but if we close it when he's angry he just climbs over it and continues his rage. If we close a door he'll headbutt it so never tried that again since. I've tried holding his arms to his side and talking to him but he escalates more. We've tried time out on the stairs/in a chair but he will not stay there and will just run at us. Most of the time it is just try and avoid him, hold him away from me until he's stopped actively trying to hurt me and then he will cry for a while before coming over and being nice and we will then talk through what he did wrong. He will lose a toy/screen time/a planned outing etc for the day. If he asks for that thing later in the day he's asked why he can't have it and he says because I bit you. It's hard because the understanding is there but I'm not seeing an improvement.

I really feel for you, you must be so stressed out. You are not a failure and obviously a good mum. I'm sorry I've got no advice on the violent tantrums but I think it would be a good idea to have the dog stay with your mum for a while. My toddler started getting really rough with my dog, the dog would run away but she'd chase after him. He started growling as a warning when she'd get near him, so he's gone to live with my folks now. It's fairer for the dog, safer for my child and alleviated a lot of stress for me, not constantly keeping them apart.

consequences need to be immediate after the event - timeout or similar. then the cuddles & making up can be after that.

does he see that you are hurt? most kids have a natural empathy that they don't like to make someone cry, so if you cry / act hurt etc when he does this, that will help him learn. Ham up your acting skills a bit and make out that you are really hurt, e.g. say 'Ow, that really hurts, I'm not talking to you right now' and leave him alone for a bit. don't pretend something doesn't hurt and don't let him comfort you to get a cuddle.

He's 3 yrs old, I don't think any of this behaviour is hugely abnormal. Yes he is clearly going through a very challenging stage and how you handle it will shape him going forwards imo.

Mine was absolutely vile when he was 3, epic tantrums, screaming, crying, throwing stuff, slamming doors, kicking walls. Thankfully he was never physically violent towards us or our animals but I will admit there were times that I absolutely lost my rag with him.

There wasn't a magic solution to it, but I never gave in, I disciplined him every time and tried to stay as consistent as possible. Other than that I just had to ride it out, it probably lasted around 9 months and then he became a lot easier.

He's now 7 and yes still gets stroppy sometimes but it's completely manageable and I can talk to him and reason with him. Things that just didn't work when he was 3.

I remember using a technique to nip this in the bud when my dc were toddlers. I’d take the offending hand/s in mine, place them on my cheek and say ‘nice hands.’ I’m not sure whether this would work with a 4 year old.

He definitely needs to be told when he’s hurt you. Does he sleep well? Could he be tired? Does he have a daily routine, wind down at bedtime etc.? After nursery/school activities?

My 3 year old DS was similar to yours so you have my sympathy. He's 6 now and yes he has a tantrum when he doenst get his own way, you can have a conversation with him and reason with him more now. At that age I used time out in the naughty corner and everytime he left the spot I put him back and made him count to 20 and then he would have to tell me what he did that was wrong, apologise and have a cuddle. Some days were harder than others. If he was having a massive tantrum I would leave him to it and tell him to come and find me when he's calmed down and we would do the same thing, tell me what he did wrong, apologise and cuddle. You need to be consistent and use instant punishment. It's just a phase that he will grow out of and it will get better.

@sorrynotathome I'm not suggesting for a second that a candle is going to fix this - don't be so pathetic

This OP is at the end of her tether , sitting crying , to suggest a break where she can relax and clear her head is a good starting point to make a plan for next steps.

OP , sorry, hope you are ok

Just to say, my son was like this when he was just 3. He's almost 4 now and he NEVER hits or anything, even when his little brother hits him! It seems to have been a (horrible) phase. We (my husband and I, and the nursery staff) were just really consistent with removing him from whatever the situation was. We noticed tiredness was often a trigger. It helped to always have him occupied and busy with something. He is wonderfully behaved now, but I was freaking out when he got multiple 'Incident reports' a day at nursery!

Ah I'm sorry, OP, that sounds really upsetting. I don't have any suggestions, just sympathy and maybe worth speaking to a HV or GP? Tantrums are normal obviously but causing injuries to you and so much violence might be something else in the mid. And yes I think a little holiday for the dog might be a good idea. It would be awful for your son or the dog to be hurt.

I mean this in the nicest way you need to stop thinking of him as a toddler as you will treat him like one. He isn’t a toddler. He is 3 and can be given time out for behaviour like that or have toys taken away. If it’s not happening at nursery somewhere along the lines he has learned it’s acceptable to behave like this at home.

You need to teach him it’s not. Be firm and consistent with message like kind hands, put up a picture list of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and explain it to him. I have 3 kids and have one up. The 3 year old cam point to the picture and say no shouting etc as he knows the meaning. Tell him these are family rules so he understands it’s not just rules for him. I have 3 kids and the eldest was a baptism of fire so I do understand. Also reward good behaviour every time he is well behaved or does something even remotely kind thank him for doing x or y. Use a lot of positive reinforcement and reward to.

If he isn't reacting to normal discipline/teaching you need to speak to your health visitor, as there could be an underlying special need. Bear in mind that when he is in a rage he cannot control his impulses. He won't develop full self control until he's a teen or adult. Try to stop him getting into a rage in the first place. Consistency and routines, avoid activities that wind him up - ive had to ban mine from the iPad as he can't cope with the adrenaline rush he gets playing the games.

My DS was like yours, he's now 7 and diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. I'm not saying your son will end up diagnosed with a special need, but some children do take a lot longer than others to learn to manage their emotions (SEN or not). Certainly in his reception class there were a few like him. My DS has improved a lot and is rarely violent though still has a shocking temper.

You need to remove yourself completely. Go into the kitchen and shut the door. Wait for him to calm. Don’t react or engage while heightened. Chat to him afterwards about it. Find out what the issue is and together work out a better way to resolve the problem. Reassure him you love him.

rather then take screen time off him, start with no screen time and earn it through the day. This seems more positive.

This sounds really difficult. I have some suggestions for you:
First there is a warning. If you hit mummy then x will happen. And if it happens (and it probably will then implement the consequences)
The consequences need to be immediate. The canceling of a day out isn’t immediate enough - unless you are on the day out and you leave.
so the removal of a favorite toy or the naughty step.
Yes he will get up from the step - you put him back - until he stays there. It may wall initially take quite a long time. I like the super nanny idea of 1 minute per age. And when returning him you do not engage. At the end he apologizes and give you a hug.
Remember you are your DH are the adults. You are in charge. This age still has little impulse control or reason. That’s your job to teach it - that biting hurts, that we don’t throw stones etc.
Find a way to restrain him so he can’t hurt you. You are stronger than him. So is your DH.
They are not called threenagers for nothing.
Its ok for him to headbut the door. If it hurts too much he will stop. Saying that I would not say shutting a three your old in his room is a good idea.
Naughty step or ignoring the tantrum - not engaging is the way to go. Ear plugs can be useful (I am serious!)
Its a really good sign that he says sorry and gives you kisses. That’s a start.
Lots of praise for good helpful behavior. And encourage that - let him help to carry things, help daddy in the garden, with cooking etc. Yes it will take longer but it’s good for self esteem and feeling useful and learning.
Believe in your natural authority as his parents.
Also it’s just a phase and it will get better.

he gets attention and your reaction from this.

Pretty much all three year old behaviour is attention seeking, he's not like this at nursery so on some level it's all for your benefit... not being harsh, I just think it helps to see it like that. Then you can work out what he's getting out of it... as he escalates do you ignore him making him more angry and lashing out more? Is he getting yelled at? Even "bad" attention is still attention...

What's happening before he gets violent and rage filled? Does it start with him not getting his own way? Somehow you need to figure out what is triggering this reaction and interject before it really gets started.

We read an excellent book - Divas and Dictators by Charlie Taylor. It explains the psychology behind tantrums and what fuels them vs what deescalates them. It helped us massively.