Violent toddler. No idea how to stop him.

[lostinanovel]

I have a 3 year old son, and in a lot of ways he's a lovely little boy. He's very smart and switched on, he's sweet and can be very gentle and loving, he's got little friends at nursery and with my friends kids, nursery have no issues with his behaviour - but the level of aggression he can show towards his dad and me sometimes is really awful.

It's always linked to outbursts, he will do something and when told off he will escalate and escalate. I've tried to not tell him off in an obvious way, but re direct and explain what to do, it still happens. I've tried to avoid situations but it's impossible. I have reacted angrily, it's hard not to at some of the injuries I've had inflicted on me but overall am good at responding calmly, walking away, giving him an outlet/space. It's not getting better.

He scratches, deliberately. He hits and bites. He is getting worse too and today in the garden picked up a stone and threw it at my head and then got another and went to do it again. I took the stone away from him and he grabbed my face as hard as he can and has really hurt it. Took a good 30 seconds to prise his hands off.

I just feel so upset by it. He's going through a horrible stage at the moment with our dog, he says he's giving cuddles but he's practically putting him in a head lock and climbing on top of him and our dog is too gentle to react. We are obviously intervening every single time, trying to keep them apart, get in the way before he gets close etc but every single time it's resulting in violence. He will start screaming, hitting me, biting me, scratching me, I will walk away and then today he followed throwing stones before running at me screaming and scratching again. Currently sat here with a huge scratch on my face just wanting to cry. Feel like such a failure and just don't understand why he is like this.

I think he needs some very clear and immediate consequences so that he connects the dots at home as he clearly has at nursery.

I would designate a chair in the hall the Stop and Think chair. Put a big red Stop sign on it and when he is calm explain that if he is rough and hits or bites (or anything else you want to add) he has to sit in the chair until he is calm..thats the stop bit. He then has to stay there another three minutes to think about what he has done and why he shouldnt do it again. Then he can come and apologise and explain why he thinks what he did wasnt right.

Then you write up a list of the behaviours that trigger the chair consequence, stick it on the fridge and you and DH follow through every time. It is going to suck for about 3 days, so start it on a weekend when you dont have much planned. He will jump off the chair and run away..you get him and take him back everytime…and then only thing you say is I dont like that behaviour, you need to stop and think. Do not start the three minute timer until he is sitting in the chair and is able to think (so screaming his head off but sat in the chair means dont start the timer)

Hopefully by the end of three days he will connect the dots and at that point will comply with sitting in the chair, and a couple of days after that he might start to moderate his behaviour to avoid having to sit in the chair.

It is exhausting, but worthwhile as the longer you leave it, the harder it will get as they get stronger willed.

My DD used to hurt herself when she was upset. Banging her head on the floor, table etc., ripping out her own hair, scratching her face to the point she would bleed.
i had to physically stop her from doing that to herself by holding her down. When i went to hold her she would try to grab my hair/face etc.
i would just kinda wrap myself around her, hold her hands and lock her legs to the ground with my legs. We would just sit together on the floor like that until she calmed down. I would tell her “I see you are very upset sweetie. But i cant let you hurt anyone like that. Im here with you until you feel better“ i tried singing and stuff like that, but that made her more upset.
Sometimes it was 5mins and sometimes 45.
DD eventually grew out of it, but it was a tough time.

I cant quite see how your DS hurts you exactly, because after a few times im sure you are prepared? Grab his hands, hold him down and just wait for him to calm down.

I think if a child was biting hitting punching me etc I would be inclined to throw a cup of cold water at him to snap him out of his rage might make him think twice next time

This is rubbish advice. 3 year olds cant stop and think. At least not like this. Even if he knows afterwards it was wrong, when they are in a rage they are way past thinking “oh crap i better calm myself down now or i have to sit in the chair again” No 3 year old will ever think that.

We don't throw cold water at three year olds who are having big emotions that their brains haven't yet developed enough to deal with. Bad idea.

Jesus. Really?

OP, remove the dog straight away.

For your son, the behaviour is semi-normal for his age although sounds a bit on the worse side of normal. My now 5 year old was like this from about 2, it peaked about age 4 and now he's 5.5 and at school they have said he should be assessed for adhd. We tried everything, sought help from everyone. Nothing really helped and he still has these outbursts sometimes.

My advice would be absolutely no screen time at all (not taken away as a punishment but imo 3yo shouldn't have screen time at all, especially a child like this as it makes it worse), speak to his HV and get some advice. They offer parenting courses specifically on strategies to help this kind of behaviour that you could go on.

Be consistent, just because something doesn't work the first time doesn't mean it won't start working at all.

From what you've said about the park, all he knows is that to get what he wants he has to say sorry. He doesn't know what it means. In our house sorry is just a word and we model using our actions to make amends too. We have 3 kids and this works for 2/3 of them. As i said, my 5yo is a different kettle of fish and sometimes no matter what you do or say, it's just the way the child is. If there is any issues like my son has they will become clearer as he gets older.
Keep a diary of behaviours and things you have tried. Look for triggers.

You described my son about 6 months ago. I still have the scars on my face and bite marks on my shoulder! But it just stopped. Once he could articulate himself better and I got better at boundaries it has eased. Don't get me wrong he still has the usual toddler melt downs but the violence is almost gone.
And as the same with you his behaviour was fab with everyone else just full scale once he got home. I cried many nights and worried about all sorts with him but now things are better.
He has to be stimulated all the time, gets bored easily and is super smart and Independant and defiant! Once I started understanding him more I could deal with his needs more and I think this really helped.
It does get better but if you are really worried do seek help With the HV or GP., there's no need to suffer alone

Sooner or later even the smallest gentlest dog will turn and defend itself when it's attacked or hurt. For the dog's sake send him away somewhere safe.

When your son hurts you, say " NO. Now you have to go to your room." then immediately carry him to his room, put him in and close the door.

Just to add I pretty sure my one has adhd, his father does and has all the classic signs. I fortunately work in this area so have a lot of experience so adjusted the way I treat him accordingly. I personal feel no need to get him assessed or medicated but thats because both me and hubby are well versed on what to do etc, if you feel his outbursts could be attributed to something like this do seek professional help!

Does he have a stair gate on his bedroom door? If so, every time he hits or scratches, take him and put him in his bedroom for 10 minutes and leave him there - tell him you’ll come back when he’s ready to say sorry, and go downstairs. Go back up after 10 minutes and ask if he’s ready to apologise. If not, another 10 minutes. (make sure the room is toddler proofed first so he can’t hurt himself throwing himself around).

It sounds like he knows you’ll just hold him away and not do much so he tries his luck. If there’s one thing toddler’s don’t like it’s not getting attention, the above worked really well with DD and the lashing out stopped once she realised that would be the punishment.

Good idea to give your poor dog a holiday.
Is there a pattern to the tantrums that you can identify?
You've said when he is denied something, but how does he respond to you being really clear beforehand about what is going to happen? I used to signpost change and the next thing we were doing with lots of advance notice. DD was always tricky with transitions but better with structure.
Hunger and tiredness not helpful either.
You do have to help little ones with understanding these big feelings and how to deal with them better.

I recommend asking the nursery for advice as they'll be used to dealing with this, even if not worth your DS. We had a similar issue with my daughter biting, but similarly it was only at home with us rather than with anyone else. We were recommended to try 'Teeth are not for biting" from nursery which worked great after reading it on repeat after incidents, then just saying the phrase etc. They also do a hands are not for hitting version, which might be worth a try?

You are not alone, lots of parents go through this for many reasons. They also don't tend to take about it due to shame and embarrassment.

These is no need for either. Please contact you health visitor and also your nearest children's centre for advice and support. I promise they will have heard it all and will offer guidance and refer you to other supper if necessary.

www.gov.uk/find-sure-start-childrens-centre

Sorry don't know how to create a link! Also if you google children centre and the area you live it will come up with a postcode checker for you to find it.

Also for the HV google health visitor and your local area and it will have numbers and email addresses.

I think as pp said he needs to earn nice treats not have them taken away. Look up zones of regulation too and breathing,calming techniques. He's old enough to mot be doing this. Definitely speak to nursery too if they're not sewing that behaviour what are they doing differently? How do they react? Sounds like you're under reacting to the situation when it happens and then talking about it later. Over react next time he hurts you- act so shocked and hurt like you can't believe he did that. Then immediate sanctions- take into house if in garden etc, remove from activity etc at 4 you have the ability, if 11 less so-nip in bud. But before get to that point intervene with techniques/ zobesof regulation.

It is a shame for the dog, but the OP is suffering as well.

I am having similar with my son, @lostinanovel and it really upsets me as well. He is younger, but he has grabbed my face purposefully to hurt me, and it is so so upsetting. I can relate totally to the ‘failure’ feeling. Mine is also quite horrid to other children

I recommend checking out Dr Becky Kennedy - she's got a parenting podcast, an active Instagram, and a book, with a whole chapter on aggressive tantrums.

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time!
He actually sounds very like my DS at the same age - lots of biting and scratching and tantrums. In my son’s case his frustration was being caused by slow speech development and undiagnosed autism. He’s 11 now and doing well in mainstream. He does still have fits of anger but nowhere near as bad and he doesn’t lash out at us anymore. I sympathise as this stage you are going through is terrible but it doesn’t last for ever - worth getting him assessed though to see if there is an underlying cause.

Our 3 year old went through a hitting and throwing phase, quite reactive and violent. I’d remove him from the room / go to the window or upstairs / outside and hold him in a bear hug really tightly and stay calm, let him cry but repeatedly tell him that it’s ok if he’s angry, frustrated whatever, but it is never ok to hit or throw and the reason why.

In calm moments later in the day we’d talk about feelings as much as possible, I’d teach him what else he can do when he gets overwhelmed, and we got books about feelings to read (colour monster etc)

The immediate consequence is that he’d get whatever he was doing taken off him, so blocks, tablet, cars, they’d just get put away and I’d say we can get them out again tomorrow.

It passed in a few months.

3 year olds don’t have any sort of developed empathy yet either so it’s not really any good playing on the fact he’s hurt you, although I still used to show him the consequences of what he’d done so that he was aware. That alone won’t change his behaviour though as they’re so impulsive at that age.

Also i recommend Bit Little Feelings on Instagram, loads of resources for this sort of thing.