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Original poster

Co-parenting stress over clothing!

47 replies

Namechanged454 · 17/09/2022 19:25

I am so angry right now. I've been separated from my children's father for coming up 2 years. It wasn't a great marriage, or separation, and co-parenting also isn't a breeze. Our plan thus far has been...he pays monthly maintenance & I take a weekend bag (every other weekend) to the school office on a Friday and he picks it up from there and drops it back there on a Monday. Over the 2 years I've had constant rants from him about the clothing I send..too big/too small/not weather appropriate/not enough spares/wrong colour socks(?!)...or if god forbid I accidentally forget something. The fact is, their clothes are absolutely fine! He never had an issue with how the kids were clothed when we were together. Fast forward to today, I wake up to a message saying the clothes I've packed aren't appropriate for our daughter, yet I've packed decent stuff for our son. Background: our 9YO daughter is a nightmare with clothes and wants to live in cycling shorts & baggy tshirts no matter the weather. He also moaned about my daughter's school shoes not being as good quality as my sons. He pays maintenance yes, but gives me no extra towards uniform (I don't ask and don't expect it) so surely has no right questioning why one pair are supermarket and one are bloody Clarks. I've had enough of it, I told him why she's got asda shoes (her Clarks ones I DID buy are slightly too big) and told him he has two choices - I send him half of this months maintenance back and he can go and buy them clothes for the time they're at his house - which is 8 nights a month...or, I go out and buy them new clothes today and he can keep them at his (with reciepts so he can exchange as he pleases). This therefore stopping the rants about what I send, stops him clearly hating what they get sent with, and stops the faff of bag exchange through the school office. He told me he will not accept clothes or money back and wants a bag ...I sent my partner to his house with the clothes and he told him the clothes would be returned on Monday and he's not keeping them. So petty! He's now text me saying the children will stay in school uniform all weekend while at his if I refuse to continue to send a bag of clothes because he is not accepting the ones I've been and bought today. I've told him that's his choice, a cruel one, but that I'm finally putting my foot down and there will no longer be a bag sent. If he wants to refuse my offer of clothing then realistically he's gonna have to go and buy it all himself so he's shooting himself in the foot for no reason.
Am I in the wrong here? I know it's easy to think you're in the right, so will happily take on board people's opinions...but it all seems so stupid over a weekend bag of clothes!!!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/09/2022 19:26

Apologies it's long and not paragraphed, I've written it on my phone. X

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 17/09/2022 19:28

He's supposed to buy extra clothes for when the kids are with him.
Are the kids old enough to have clothing preferences and tell him that they want leggings/Asda shoes or whatever?

Newbeginnings90 · 17/09/2022 19:28

Is he paying you an excessive amount of maintenance?

I'd be telling him to get knotted and sort clothes and shoes for his own house if he doesn't like what you've picked... I'd only be sending money pack if he's paying you well over the odds.

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User354354 · 17/09/2022 19:31

Hi Xx

Sorry you don't find the clothes I send acceptable. Whilst the children are in your care, it is your responsibility to clothe them.

As from xx date I will jo longer be sending clothes with them.

That's what I would send.

CrossStichQueen · 17/09/2022 19:32

He should have clothes at his house. It's that simple.

FawnFrenchieMum · 17/09/2022 19:36

Unless he is already paying way over the odds then it’s his responsibility to provide clothes for this kids, he then has full choice over what they wear when with him.

LittleOwl153 · 17/09/2022 19:37

Yes stop sending anything. It is his responsibility to provide for his children when he has them. Yes it will cause issues to begin with, but he needs to stop expecting you to do the wife work as you are no longer the wife even! Explain to the kids that you are no longer sending clothes to dad's as he needs to sort things out at his house for them. Hopefully they'll be OK with it.

In terms of maintenance, don't send money back, he is obliged to pay for his children as well as provide for them when he has them - which includes clothes and food! Be prepared to go to cms if he decides that the next step to annoy you is to stop paying.

Ponderingwindow · 17/09/2022 19:42

Is he specifically paying you extra to buy clothing for his household? He is supposed to provide everything needed for his parenting time. The kids should be able to show up with nothing but what they are wearing and be completely provisioned for by their father. So unless he is paying you a huge premium to take care of his responsibility, just stop.

georgarina · 18/09/2022 08:38

Namechanged454 · 17/09/2022 19:25

I am so angry right now. I've been separated from my children's father for coming up 2 years. It wasn't a great marriage, or separation, and co-parenting also isn't a breeze. Our plan thus far has been...he pays monthly maintenance & I take a weekend bag (every other weekend) to the school office on a Friday and he picks it up from there and drops it back there on a Monday. Over the 2 years I've had constant rants from him about the clothing I send..too big/too small/not weather appropriate/not enough spares/wrong colour socks(?!)...or if god forbid I accidentally forget something. The fact is, their clothes are absolutely fine! He never had an issue with how the kids were clothed when we were together. Fast forward to today, I wake up to a message saying the clothes I've packed aren't appropriate for our daughter, yet I've packed decent stuff for our son. Background: our 9YO daughter is a nightmare with clothes and wants to live in cycling shorts & baggy tshirts no matter the weather. He also moaned about my daughter's school shoes not being as good quality as my sons. He pays maintenance yes, but gives me no extra towards uniform (I don't ask and don't expect it) so surely has no right questioning why one pair are supermarket and one are bloody Clarks. I've had enough of it, I told him why she's got asda shoes (her Clarks ones I DID buy are slightly too big) and told him he has two choices - I send him half of this months maintenance back and he can go and buy them clothes for the time they're at his house - which is 8 nights a month...or, I go out and buy them new clothes today and he can keep them at his (with reciepts so he can exchange as he pleases). This therefore stopping the rants about what I send, stops him clearly hating what they get sent with, and stops the faff of bag exchange through the school office. He told me he will not accept clothes or money back and wants a bag ...I sent my partner to his house with the clothes and he told him the clothes would be returned on Monday and he's not keeping them. So petty! He's now text me saying the children will stay in school uniform all weekend while at his if I refuse to continue to send a bag of clothes because he is not accepting the ones I've been and bought today. I've told him that's his choice, a cruel one, but that I'm finally putting my foot down and there will no longer be a bag sent. If he wants to refuse my offer of clothing then realistically he's gonna have to go and buy it all himself so he's shooting himself in the foot for no reason.
Am I in the wrong here? I know it's easy to think you're in the right, so will happily take on board people's opinions...but it all seems so stupid over a weekend bag of clothes!!!?

I used to have these issues, plus him bringing clothes back ripped and ruined, and he refused to replace them, so I stopped packing clothes and he got some to keep at his. When he would ask me to bring something, I would say sorry, I don’t want it to get ruined.

it doesn’t affect maintenance because you still need to buy things for them for your house - he needs to have clothes at his as well.

georgarina · 18/09/2022 08:38

Sorry don’t know why that was a quote!

bbcdefg · 18/09/2022 08:41

Why are you buying clothes for his house? That's his job.

Send the message above and leave him to it.

nachoavocado · 18/09/2022 08:44

He's meant to be providing EVERYTHING at his house including clothes. Once things settle down a bit and the children are old enough to decide what they want to bring, then it makes sense for them to pack their own bags and move it between houses.

Snugglemonkey · 18/09/2022 08:48

He is being a dick. He needs clothing at his house which he pays for.

DenholmElliot1 · 18/09/2022 08:49

I agree with everyone r else - let him provide the clothes for his house.

I find it a bit odd that a man is looking at his childrens shoes to see whether they are Clark's or Asda. Is there someone he lives with, another adult perhaps, who is winding him up about this?

Lilypeony · 18/09/2022 09:06

Agree with all other comments. Whilst the kids are with him it is his responsibility.
doing it this way will-

  1. iron out any issue with unnecessary communication that is clearly causing you stress.
  2. show him the reason you pack what you do for Dd (because it’s what she wants to wear.)
  3. mean that the kids aren’t living out of a suitcase each time they go to their dads. To have their own draw with some clothes in it would be a nicer experience for them and not feel they are just ‘visiting’.

Also unless he is paying and excessive amount of maintenance you should not be paying for clothes that he can keep!

We have my partners daughter every other weekend and half of all holidays, she has her own clothes, shoes and pjs etc here with us. I wash the clothes we collect her in and put them back on her the day we take her back.

x

nachoavocado · 18/09/2022 09:10

And he should be doing his share of washing the school uniform too

cavia · 18/09/2022 09:14

I stopped sending clothes when my ex did this. He didn't pay me maintenance anyway, but be aware the power struggle also changes then. You'll send them in clothes that fit and he'll send them back in clothes they've grown out of and keep the bigger stuff. But don't engage

Singleandproud · 18/09/2022 09:21

Maintenance money is to cover their expenses at your house, electricity, water and gas and clothing when with you etc.

He should be providing them with everything they need when they are at his house so stop sending a bag of clothes to school at all.

I did always send DD with a bag but that's only because she sleeps there infrequently and he was buying her stuff for her age not her size and as a tall child we're always too small.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 18/09/2022 09:27

He’s being a dick. Presumably the time he has his children is taken into account when deciding the maintenance amount. He should be providing them with what they need when he is at their house, including clothing. Does he send the bag of clothes home dirty for you to wash? Sounds like he is engineering it so he is able to put in minimal effort to actually caring for the kids.

Stop sending a bag of clothes with the kids. He is trying to bully you by saying he will keep the kids in uniform. Well, let him do that. It will be him who has to deal with the kids complaining. After a couple of weekends he will have to pull his finger out and go and buy the kids clothes.

mamas12 · 18/09/2022 09:44

Well this should be your epiphany
stop being the wife
everyone on here is right you do too much I know it’s probably from a standpoint of being on the dcs side but they will be fine trust us
stop letting him get away with bullying g you all and send one text as above and grey rock him
just don’t engage
he will still play silly buggers. It so t get roped back in he is taking the piss by bullying you into providing and servicing his job to look after his own children at his house
good luck

londonlass71 · 18/09/2022 09:49

Why are you offering to send half maintenance back? Are you crazy? If hebisnt happy he can buy clothes for them when at his. With my ex partners kids that's what he would do. They would come in uniform and school bags on a Fri and have sets of clothes and shoes at his. They would then be dropped to school on Monday morning with uniform. They had separate clothes and toys there and at their mums. He's being a prick. Ignore any messages that aren't important. The trouble is you engage. If he wants to be a prat and make then wear uniform all that's going to happen is they will hate going to their dads.

Confusedteacher · 18/09/2022 09:54

He needs to provide clothes when they are at his house, simple as that. The only bag my DC take to their dad’s has things like teddies, iPad etc, otherwise they just turn up in what they are wearing.

JuneOsborne · 18/09/2022 09:54

Start afresh next week.

Tell him he has a week to go and get everything he needs for the children when they are at his. You're no longer packing anything because it isn't working out.

And disengage about clothes!

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 18/09/2022 09:55

He's saying that because he pays me child maintenance, I have to provide a bag. I need some kind of screenshot to show him where that really isn't the case. I'm just reading through all your replies now. In response to the questions about how much he pays - he's in the forces and earns a decent wage so pays me £350 PCM for two children who he sees every other weekend and then random days every so often. We go through cms direct pay so they tell him what to pay me based on his wage x

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged454 · 18/09/2022 09:58

DenholmElliot1 · 18/09/2022 08:49

I agree with everyone r else - let him provide the clothes for his house.

I find it a bit odd that a man is looking at his childrens shoes to see whether they are Clark's or Asda. Is there someone he lives with, another adult perhaps, who is winding him up about this?

He does have a girlfriend but I left him because he was controlling and emotionally abusive so I do think he looks for things to have a go at me about!

OP posts: