Co-parenting stress over clothing!

[Namechanged454]

I am so angry right now. I've been separated from my children's father for coming up 2 years. It wasn't a great marriage, or separation, and co-parenting also isn't a breeze. Our plan thus far has been...he pays monthly maintenance & I take a weekend bag (every other weekend) to the school office on a Friday and he picks it up from there and drops it back there on a Monday. Over the 2 years I've had constant rants from him about the clothing I send..too big/too small/not weather appropriate/not enough spares/wrong colour socks(?!)...or if god forbid I accidentally forget something. The fact is, their clothes are absolutely fine! He never had an issue with how the kids were clothed when we were together. Fast forward to today, I wake up to a message saying the clothes I've packed aren't appropriate for our daughter, yet I've packed decent stuff for our son. Background: our 9YO daughter is a nightmare with clothes and wants to live in cycling shorts & baggy tshirts no matter the weather. He also moaned about my daughter's school shoes not being as good quality as my sons. He pays maintenance yes, but gives me no extra towards uniform (I don't ask and don't expect it) so surely has no right questioning why one pair are supermarket and one are bloody Clarks. I've had enough of it, I told him why she's got asda shoes (her Clarks ones I DID buy are slightly too big) and told him he has two choices - I send him half of this months maintenance back and he can go and buy them clothes for the time they're at his house - which is 8 nights a month...or, I go out and buy them new clothes today and he can keep them at his (with reciepts so he can exchange as he pleases). This therefore stopping the rants about what I send, stops him clearly hating what they get sent with, and stops the faff of bag exchange through the school office. He told me he will not accept clothes or money back and wants a bag ...I sent my partner to his house with the clothes and he told him the clothes would be returned on Monday and he's not keeping them. So petty! He's now text me saying the children will stay in school uniform all weekend while at his if I refuse to continue to send a bag of clothes because he is not accepting the ones I've been and bought today. I've told him that's his choice, a cruel one, but that I'm finally putting my foot down and there will no longer be a bag sent. If he wants to refuse my offer of clothing then realistically he's gonna have to go and buy it all himself so he's shooting himself in the foot for no reason.
Am I in the wrong here? I know it's easy to think you're in the right, so will happily take on board people's opinions...but it all seems so stupid over a weekend bag of clothes!!!?

I muted his messages last night but just checked and seen that he's apparently dropping the stuff back off this morning because he doesn't want to do it infront of the kids - meaning he's ready for an argument. He just keeps saying child maintenance covers me packing a bag. He's like a broken record. I'm not packing one anymore so if he returns the clothes then that's his choice, I think I have been more than accommodating by going out and buying it all for him!

We always had plenty of clothes and spare coats for the SC at our house. They would take anything they wanted between the houses and expensive items like walking boots were just moved as needed.
Really helped that none of the adults behaved like dicks.
I would give your ex notice that as of next weekend you are stopping sending the kids with anything more than a clean set of uniform for Monday. Weekend clothes are now his responsibility so he can be in control of making sure they're right.
Explain to the children that this is happening and they don't need to bring anything back from their Dads apart from the Friday uniform.

Put it this way- I assume that while they are with him he pays for their food, trips out etc. Clothes are just an extension of that.

It can be tricky as I think everyone does it slightly differently. Eg my DH and his ex also split the cost of extracurricular activities and school uniform, whereas my exH just pays maintenance and that’s it. But he does split the cost of school trips as that’s an optional thing.

This. Do this.

He's saying that because he pays me child maintenance, I have to provide a bag.

Maintenance is calculated based on the time the kids spend with you vs him. It is not meant to cover his own time with his kids. Does he also deduct meals they have with him??

He needs to have clothes at his house. Maintenance is for when they are YOUR house.

he's apparently dropping the stuff back off this morning because he doesn't want to do it infront of the kids - meaning he's ready for an argument
Yeah, don't be in and he can leave it on the doorstep

He pays Maintenon pro rata for the nights they at yours. So he is meant to provide for them when at his.

I'd tell him that the choice is up the maintenance by 0.7 and you'll provide a bag or provide for his kids when at his.

Then disengage. Keep screenshots all all messages because if he does continue to make the children wear uniform etc at weekends it's heading towards being abusive towards them to upset you. You may need that in future to get supervised contact if he ups the Nate when you don't engage.

His CM is reduced due to the number of nights they stay with him. That is because while they are at his he is expected to provide food and clothes. I'd be tempted to text him that, and let him know you will no longer provide a change of clothes and that he should. Perhaps also remind him that SS will take a dim view of them being in the same clothes, inc underwear, all weekend.

If he comes round today ignore him. Don't answer the door.

Clothes are often a focus for argument but heaven knows why 🤷‍♀️. My XH used to keep the clothes our DS arrived in and send him back looking like Worzel Gummidge in an assortment of ill-fitting clothes his DM got from a charity shop. Every single time. I never saw the original clothes again and nor did DS so I have no idea what happened to them. It was a bizarre game that I never figured out.

Complaining about the clothes that are packed for the weekend is part of the "How to be a twatty ex-husband" handbook! Part of it is to ensure that while you haven't got the kids he still like and pokes at you thus making sure you don't have any fun while you've not got the children.

I ended up buying a set of clothes that went to my ex-h house, told him to keep them there and when they outgrew them he needed to replace them. They'd only need one set of pjs (won't hurt them to wear them twice) and a couple of outfits, so he'd just send them home in one outfit that the kids could stick in their school bag rather than bags of stuff going backwards and forwards.

Failing that, carry on doing what you're doing and when he texts you just reply with the "the clothes that I have packed are suitable" then copy this reply, use it every time he texts you but don't get tempted to add anything extra-don't rant or explain anymore, they soon get pissed off and disappear.

If it's any help it gets easier as they get older-mine used to pack their own bags...now he's been such a tosser to them too, they rarely go!

Classic behaviour of a formerly abusive spouse... I used to do the same, leave a bag at school.. it was always wrong, never saw more than half of it ever again etc.. he started writing to my former lawyer about the clothes and all manner of other nonsense about 6 months after the order was made - lawyer pointed out to me that he is the parent during contact time, not me. It is not my responsibility to provide clothes, shoes, food, medical care, manage home work, or any other aspect of parenting during the contact time - the court expects him to do all of it and pay for it. It was his responsibility and I should stop doing it all for him immediately.

I stopped sending the bag, never saw any of the clothes he kept ever again, or the shoes for that matter... When I stopped the bag, he responded by refusing to return uniform so I had to rely on DD bringing it back. In the end I purchased extra of every item to make up for it.. it was pathetic.

He has to do everything you do when the children are in his care, he doesn't get to expect you to provide anything nor can CMS be reduced to fund clothes for his contact time. This includes washing the uniform they arrived in for them to wear on Monday if he drops them back to school.

And defo don't answer the door if he drops the clothes off - honestly how puerile.

I always feel sorry for the kids in these threads. That their NRP can be so god damn fucking petty they would punish their kids to get back at you. I always hope the kids start to see through it all.

Don't send the bag OP. It's his problem.

What an absolute dick. Are you scared of him op? I would be making sure I was happy with the handover arrangements and try and minimise contact. Definitely o more packed bags.

I've sent one last text to him -

This is the last text I'm sending on the matter. I send them with two outfits in a bag, I've supplied them with that in them bags - if it stays at yours you don't need more than that because you can wash them can't you. I'm also well aware you have clothes at your house considering the clothes I pack sometimes come back unworn. I didn't buy pyjamas because you've told me before I don't need to pack them.
Having clothes at your house eliminates the need for you to moan at me about what's packed, it eliminates you not being happy with what's sent, it eliminates me having to spend time packing it, it eliminates having to leave and pick up stuff in a school office.
I have done my research and child maintenance, to my knowledge, is pro rota'd and is for the time spent at my house. You are expected to fund what happens at your house - otherwise surely I'd be expected to also cover their food and other expenses while at your house too? If you would like to call child maintenance next week and ask for some advice on the matter then that is fine by me. I am not refusing to supply clothes, so you have no leg to stand on.

I am not sending them with a bag anymore as of your next weekend, they will come with coats on a Friday anyway and I will supply them a pair of shoes each too which will be in their school bag next time you pick them up from school. If you would like to return the clothes I bought to me then that's absolutely your call, but there will be no other clothes sent so you will have to buy them. Anymore messages sent on this matter will be ignored.

No I'm not scared of him, I think possibly I used to be scared of confrontation and standing my ground but I now have a very supportive boyfriend who has built my confidence. Thankfully we only have handovers once or twice a month, as he gets the children from school on a Friday and drops them to school on the Monday. X

My children are 5 & 9 and I do think they will start seeing it soon. I think my 9YO dd already does see it to some extent as she had a tiny hole in one of her fav tshirts (think a hole made by a pin/brooch) and she wouldn't wear it to his house because he'd moan. It's stupid!

The kids will soon tell him how they feel if they are wearing (dirty) uniform all weekend. Leave it to them

Also,I live with it the other way around too as my boyfriend has a daughter. So he's a maintenance paying EOWE dad...she does send a bag and there have been times that what's sent isn't appropriate. We have NEVER ever moaned about what's sent to her or her mum - we might have a rant to each other or roll our eyes but we understand. We have clothes for her here too so she gets options on if she wants to wear clothes from home or clothes from here - or mix and match. I don't understand why things with my ex always has to be so difficult!

Children returned home this morning without the clothes I sent so looks like I won this one!

Well done 👍
What I've found is, if you avoid conflict he will just escalate because he'll get more entitled and know you won't fight back.
It's shitty having to fight and argue and it's tempting to give in, but once you stand your ground a few times he'll give up.
My ex used to try all kinds of stuff like this and send me long angry lectures (his parents as well), but as soon as I really fought back and stood up for myself that all stopped. And now every time he does or says something a bit unfair or disrespectful I jump on it straight away. We have a much better relationship now.

I think its time to stop responding to his messages about anything other than necessary arrangements/timings. Youre not his secretary or PA, his servant or his partner. He is not your boss.
Youre not stopping him seeing his children. He doesnt get to harrass you or insult you.
Grey rock him

Yeah I think youre right! He had ten years of me not answering back so I think he's starting to learn I won't give in all the time. Can't relate to the parent bit of your post though - his mum loves me and doesn't talk to him. Says alot about him!