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Original poster

Father not contributing blames me

48 replies

Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:10

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and respond as it’s quite a lot to explain please no judgments and if you have nothing nice to say then don’t respond. I’m 22 and struggling being a single parent of a 2 year old…I’m not struggling looking after her etc it’s just not having any support from her dad. We were in a long term relationship when I got pregnant but he went to jail for a few months when I gave birth to our daughter so he wasn’t around for all of it and I ended up cheating on him, by cheat I don’t mean a one night stand I mean getting into a relationship with someone else, it’s not something I’m proud of but he wasn’t contacting me at all while in jail he only spoke to his friends and I was going through a lot being a new mum I felt so isolated and just wanted someone there supporting me so yeah that happened and then he came out and found out so we split up and since then (this was 2 years ago) he’s hated me and completely changed I get it I’m in the wrong I cheated but it’s not about me it’s about our daughter I want him to be here for her, see her, talk to her and help provide for her she’s 2 now and he’s only seen her 5 times and those 5 times he’s not properly spent time with her playing etc he’s just been in a mood and not cared he dosent have her best interest in mind or care about her he’s only ever bought her one thing a pair of trainers earlier this year he didn’t get her anything for her birthday he says it’s my fault as I cheated but like I said it’s not about me I regret doing what I done but you have to put your children first a lot of people co parent and aren’t together and maybe it’s because he’s still young he’s 2 years younger then me (20) and he’s involved in all that gang stuff that happens in london he’s been in and out of jail and is currently on tag so you can tell from that what his maturity is like he’s even said he wants to kill me a few times so can you really blame me for not wanting to continue a relationship with him (no judgment please) but at this point I feel so helpless I contacted him today to say I need him to help more with our daughter and help buy her things as I need to get her new clothes etc and it’s a struggle and he simply said I’m nothing to him I chose to cheat it’s my fault he’s not involved he just constantly blames me and dosent put our daughter first he even said she’s not his and he’s not involved I’ve just really had enough and it’s all getting too much. If anyone has any advice (not sure there’s much you can give) or personal experiences they can share I’d really appreciate it thank you just need some cheering up!

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 17/09/2022 10:15

I think you and your daughter would be better off if you just stopped contacting him.
Is he on her birth certificate?

YesitsBess · 17/09/2022 10:18

In the kindest possible way, you and your daughter sound better off away from him.

What other support do you have. Family or close friends nearby?

21secondstogo · 17/09/2022 10:19

I wouldn’t ask any more as he’s not suddenly going to want to look after his child or play with her or buy her anything. You are wasting your breath. He sounds really horrible so I would not want him in your lives anyway.

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2 year olds Families General parenting Relationship problems
21secondstogo · 17/09/2022 10:20

Do you have support from your family? Are his family involved in any way?

economicervix · 17/09/2022 10:23

Would you rather your kid was not around a repeat criminal? In and out of jail is hardly aspirational or fit to parent.

Original poster
Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:25

luckily I didn’t put him on the birth certificate so he dosent have any legal rights over seeing her etc

OP posts:
economicervix · 17/09/2022 10:25

(like yeah, sucks that the criminal isn't paying for his kid, but apart from putting it through CMS there's not much you can do about that. The male a woman picks to father her kid is a huge, lifelong impacting choice, unfortunately.)

RagzRebooted · 17/09/2022 10:26

I'd consider yourselves well off without him to be honest. Financially, leave it up to CMS though you probably won't get anything if he's not officially working. He clearly doesn't consider himself a patent and doesn't love his daughter, which is sad but can't fix that.

21secondstogo · 17/09/2022 10:26

I assume he’s not working?

Original poster
Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:26

Thank you. Unfortunately im a bit of a loner lol I don’t have any friends I lost a lot of them for various reasons and although I currently live with my mum we don’t get along we argue a lot and don’t talk for long periods of times so it’s a bit of a difficult situation

OP posts:
Octomore · 17/09/2022 10:29

You and your daughter will be a thousand times better off staying well away from this man and cutting him out of your lives completely.

He's not fit to be a parent, better to have no dad than to have one like this.

YesitsBess · 17/09/2022 10:30

It sounds like you’ve a lot going on! Are you working?

Original poster
Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:30

Thank you for this reply I appreciate it…I do live with my mum but we don’t have the best relationship we argue a lot and have long periods where we don’t talk to each other also his family aren’t involved I tried to reach out to his dad and get him involved as I want my daughter to know her family etc and he completely blew me off so yeah 🙂

OP posts:
HaveANiceFuckingDay · 17/09/2022 10:31

He clearly don't give a shit , you cant make him give a shit. Move on and come to terms with the fact that's never likely to give a shit and you're doing it on your own
Do.you really want a father figure for your daughter thats probably going to involve visiting him in prison ?
Sorry that sounds harsh bit hes very immature at 20 years of age still in gangs and on tag. Do you really need that on your doorstep

Original poster
Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:32

It’s true I chose him to be her dad but was young at the time and didn’t know how much of a criminal he was he never showed me that side he made me believe he was someone else I guess but I get what you’re saying

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Original poster
Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:34

Yes a lot going on there’s a lot of other issues I have right now that I’ve not stated so quite mentally draining I’m currently unemployed and on benefits my daughter goes nursery 3 days a week 5 hours a day I want to get a job as I’m eager to get back to work but hard finding something on those exact days and exact times

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Original poster
Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:35

Thank you for your honest opinion I appreciate it even if it’s hard to hear it’s the truth I guess!

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YesitsBess · 17/09/2022 10:36

That is tricky. Can you use that time to retrain? There are loads of courses available for free if you’re claiming UC, I did one and now have a brilliant and very flexible job.

Kangaruby · 17/09/2022 10:37

Put him behind you and look to what you can do to improve the future for yourself and child. It is very difficult being the only person caring and providing for your child ( I have been there) it does get better. I would concentrate on improving your work / earning potential as money gives you choices and options. Don't look to a man to give you happiness, find happiness and then, if you want to, look for a man

OurChristmasMiracle · 17/09/2022 10:39

Honestly- he went to prison and blocked you out his life- you had every right to move on. Why would you want to continue a relationship with someone who clearly did not put you or his unborn child first by getting put into prison in the first place?

he also clearly has not learned from it as he keeps going in and out and honestly for your daughter it’s better she has some stability- her dad being in and out of her life because he’s in and out of prison is not what she needs.

Get yourself out to groups- stay and plays etc and meet other mums with kids the same age. You will be absolutely fine without him and you will build your own support network up! Being blatantly honest you don’t need him and neither should you want someone whose criminally involved as a support network and his “friends” are likely to be involved in similar activities.

Original poster
Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:44

Thank you for the inspiration a lot of people have recommended I get into a job in a school so it’ll be the same hours and days my daughter is in school but it’s not something I truly want to do I’ll have a look into courses though thank you.

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Original poster
Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:45

Thank you that means a lot I definitely think I need to focus on myself and my daughter for a while and then a man will come along the way.

OP posts:
Hotandbothereds · 17/09/2022 10:45

YesitsBess · 17/09/2022 10:36

That is tricky. Can you use that time to retrain? There are loads of courses available for free if you’re claiming UC, I did one and now have a brilliant and very flexible job.

This is such a great suggestion, is this something you could look into OP?

I agree with everyone else, I think you need to forget about him, accept he won’t be a father to your child and make steps to fix your own situation.

You’re only young you have options, you can do it & be a great role model to your daughter on your own without him.

YesitsBess · 17/09/2022 10:49

Loads here OP!

In fact looking at that I might do another one so thanks for inspiring me!

Original poster
Sheree2000 · 17/09/2022 10:49

Thank you this means a lot…it’s very hard to cut someone out your life completely when they were a massive part of it I do block him and not talk to him for a few months but I always end up unblocking him in hope that he’s changed and he’ll wanna be involved but he’s obviously very immature and has a lot of growing up to do still I feel as though he’ll be one of those dads who miss out on their kids lives and try to get in contact again when they’re older but thank you for your advice!

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