Father not contributing blames me

[Sheree2000]

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and respond as it’s quite a lot to explain please no judgments and if you have nothing nice to say then don’t respond. I’m 22 and struggling being a single parent of a 2 year old…I’m not struggling looking after her etc it’s just not having any support from her dad. We were in a long term relationship when I got pregnant but he went to jail for a few months when I gave birth to our daughter so he wasn’t around for all of it and I ended up cheating on him, by cheat I don’t mean a one night stand I mean getting into a relationship with someone else, it’s not something I’m proud of but he wasn’t contacting me at all while in jail he only spoke to his friends and I was going through a lot being a new mum I felt so isolated and just wanted someone there supporting me so yeah that happened and then he came out and found out so we split up and since then (this was 2 years ago) he’s hated me and completely changed I get it I’m in the wrong I cheated but it’s not about me it’s about our daughter I want him to be here for her, see her, talk to her and help provide for her she’s 2 now and he’s only seen her 5 times and those 5 times he’s not properly spent time with her playing etc he’s just been in a mood and not cared he dosent have her best interest in mind or care about her he’s only ever bought her one thing a pair of trainers earlier this year he didn’t get her anything for her birthday he says it’s my fault as I cheated but like I said it’s not about me I regret doing what I done but you have to put your children first a lot of people co parent and aren’t together and maybe it’s because he’s still young he’s 2 years younger then me (20) and he’s involved in all that gang stuff that happens in london he’s been in and out of jail and is currently on tag so you can tell from that what his maturity is like he’s even said he wants to kill me a few times so can you really blame me for not wanting to continue a relationship with him (no judgment please) but at this point I feel so helpless I contacted him today to say I need him to help more with our daughter and help buy her things as I need to get her new clothes etc and it’s a struggle and he simply said I’m nothing to him I chose to cheat it’s my fault he’s not involved he just constantly blames me and dosent put our daughter first he even said she’s not his and he’s not involved I’ve just really had enough and it’s all getting too much. If anyone has any advice (not sure there’s much you can give) or personal experiences they can share I’d really appreciate it thank you just need some cheering up!

If he wants to get in touch further down the line then cross that bridge when you come to it. For now focus on yourself and your daughter and getting yourself out of Mums house. You can do this.

Thank you I was expecting a lot of judgment from my post but you’ve been very kind and given me hope I’m going to look into those courses you sent thank you for the help

Everyone needs a bit of help sometimes. I hope to see you back on this thread reporting on happier times in the future. 🙂

Colleges are another good place for a school hours job. Try and find one in the same county / borough so holidays should be the same. I think it’s indeed has an option for term time searches as well.

you are so much better off without him. Genuinely. You and your daughter. If he’s wrapped up in all the shit you don’t need to risk your daughter being heart broken at her dads funeral or worse dragged into it some how if she’s with him one day.

as for your mum. That sounds a complicated situation. If your still living there, it sounds like she cares for you and your daughter. But is maybe frustrated with the situation?

retraining is a great idea, lots of colleges etc have support in place for young mums. And there is more support for you now then when your older hoping to retrain.

good luck.

In all honesty, be grateful the loser is uninterested rather than making your life hell. As a PP said use the time to retrain, that's a great idea! You may even make friends through courses and work. You're so young, having a baby doesn't mean you can't make q fantastic life for you and your DD. Distract yourself, don't contact him!

Thank you I’ll look into that and we’re hoping to move out soon just a long process thank you for taking the time to reply truly means a lot

Omg he threatened to kill you!

How are you not recognising this as extremely high tariff domestic abuse??

If you don't stop any contact, even indirect between your DD and him she could be removed from you!

He's a gang member, habitual criminal, violent and high risk to you and DD. You could contact women's aid and be rehoused somewhere away from him for your safety.

I'm amazed you dont already have a social worker. DC's at less risk are on child protection plans.

Please can you stop blaming yourself for this, he was in prison and was clearly not giving you any reason to wait around for him to come out. The relationship between you and him, sure he can blame the affair but you can equally blame his criminal behaviour, this is irrelevant in the relationship between him and his child and he’s simply using it as a pathetic excuse. If he were any kind of father he would be fighting for his kid not looking for reasons not to.

I agree with pp he doesn’t sound like someone that will be beneficial to your dd life, on the contrary you could end up with SS involved if he is. So put a CMS claim in on the very slim chance you may get things and start looking at other avenues for your life.

Thank you for your concern I appreciate to help honest he’s done more then just threaten he’s swung one of his knives around my head before as a “joke” and even said he’ll kill me and our daughter and then kill himself and I know he’s capable and would do it if pushed to fortunately we don’t live with him so I don’t need to be immediately rehoused etc and I can’t report what he’s done as no evidence etc I know deep down we’re better off without him it’s just hard not having financial support from him he dosent have contact with his daughter or want to see her and I don’t want him to see her as he dosent deserve to just wanted him to contribute money wise but thank you

To be clear OP, he's refusing to contribute to his dd's upbringing because he is a cheapskate, a shit dad and a lowlife, not because of anything you have done. If he had cheated on you, would you have dropped his child off with him and refused to see her again? Of course you wouldn't. Because you are a decent parent!

So don't carry that guilt with you.

Your daughter is honestly better off without him. She has you, and as she gets older, you will build a decent life for the both of you.

Thank you that made me feel a bit better as I have been blaming myself a lot and feeling as though it’s all my fault…I agree with you entirely he uses it as an excuse not to be involved and to make me feel bad. He’s not involved in our daughters life’s he clearly dosent want to be and I don’t want him to be either just wanted some financial support. He said he was talking to his support worker about him seeing our daughter on his own where his support worker or someone would be there to supervise but that was a long time ago I don’t think he’s bothered anymore but thank you.

Honestly OP the more you describe the more I feel you shouldn’t even go through CMS, it’ll just be one more thing he resents you for and he sounds absolutely fucking unhinged. Make your own money, get yourself and your daughter settled, safe, and ideally very far away from him!

Thank you means a lot as I’ve been quite hard on myself about the situation and regretted cheating on him but it was probably for the best as he’s too immature to own up to being a dad he wasn’t ready for a baby and wanted me to get rid of her when I was pregnant so it was expected to be honest but thank you I just need to find my inner strength!

We can be your inner strength until you find it!

You can not make anyone step up and be involved in your daughters life. They make their own choices. You just have to be clear that the door is open. But he sounds like a waste of space. Time for you to look a head can you return to study. Get into work. It doesn't have to be the core nursery hours you have. UC will help toward your child care costs. Show your daughter what a strong and independent women you are.

Thank you for replying again 😅 I feel like I’m being such a burden sharing my dramatic life with everyone aha but yes we don’t live near him anyway as we’re in Hertfordshire and he’s in london and he won’t know our address when we move house so it can be a fresh start. I really do appreciate your concern as I said I don’t have a support system so this is the first time I’ve spoken about this and I wasn’t expecting so much support I’m struggling a lot at the moment with some mental issues and I’ve been feeling close to ending it all of you get what I’m referring to so you taking the time out of your day to reply and be positive really does mean a lot

I'm not in the UK so what I say won't fit exactly but may give you some ideas to ponder on. I know a young mother who was in a similar situation, her baby's father was in trouble from his teenage years but she fell hard for him until she had her baby and realised she wanted better and they broke up, her family weren't particularly helpful so it was just her and the baby, her friends had drifted away because of her association with the baby's father, this is a few years ago and at the time she was living in inner city in her parents house which wasn't ideal, she'd no privacy, no where to relax on her own, no actual support but lots of interference. A radio program popular with the older generation here ran a segment on rural villages whose schools were in danger of either losing a teacher or closing due to lack of students and how the locals were trying to get new people to move to the area by highlighting rental properties available, she took the chance, moved to one of these villages, just her and her child, it took a while to organise, she got assistance with the rent and a small amount of money for essentials, she is still living there, the locals made her feel welcome, the child is now in school and thriving, the ex never once looked to know where she moved to, she did struggle with village life to begin with, more planning needed due to sparse public transport etc but overall she is glad she took the chance, she's got a part time job in a local shop and is planning to start on line study. It's a massive change but it worked, I know she couldn't do it today because we have a housing crisis and there are no rentals available anywhere but maybe a move to a different area to start over could be helpful for you if its at all possible.

You’re only a little bit younger than my daughter, and something in your first post made me think you needed a bit of positive and someone staying with you, I’d want someone to do the same for her if she needed it.

You know you can refer yourself for counselling these days? Time to talk and whatnot. Ending it all is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Let’s think of things to look forward to. It sounds like your housing situation is going to improve at a certain point, you’re now looking at some courses, you have a little girl who is at a lovely age (exhausting if I remember correctly, but very cute), you have a whole gang of friends in your phone now on this very thread. Also if you’ve really been struggling then there’s only one way to go and that’s up.

Unless someone is in jail for for the rare noble crime, it’s probably a sign that it’s a bad relationship. You need to let go of the idea that you cheated. Your relationship effectively ended when he went to jail.

he should be paying maintenance and seeing his child regularly, but that just isn’t going to happen. He has shown you exactly what kind of man he had chosen to be and it’s not the kind of man you want anywhere near your child. You are just going to have to find a way to keep doing this solo. Focus your time and mental energy on efforts that will actually benefit you and your child instead of chasing a lost cause.

Find your local playgroups and take her along, she gets to see other kids and you get to meet other mums. Eventually you might be able to have play dates, or you and another mum give each other an hour or two of babysitting so you can relax for an afternoon! Forget her father, you are both better off without him.

Well I’m glad you reached out it made me feel somewhat better your daughters lucky to have a mum like you I wish I was able to speak to mum about these things rather then have to post it publicly. Yes my doctor actually suggested counselling I need to look into it and try and get some help with that. I do have a lot of things to look forward to yes especially now I have my daughter I’ll never truly be alone regardless of not having friends I’ll always have her I know everyone says “it’ll get better” etc and it’s really hard to believe when you’re struggling mentally and in that precise moment where a lot of bad things are happening but thanks so much

It’s hard to believe at the time because depression lies.

Jenny Lawson has some great (and very funny) writings about her mental health, and some wonderful books if you’re a reader.

Everything doesn’t have to all get sorted at once, start looking after yourself and things will follow on, sometimes slowly. Write down where you are now and look back on it in a year, I like to think you’ll be in a far better place.