Hating motherhood - baby 2 months

[Applepie91]

I always felt like my purpose in life was to be a Mum. I always knew I wanted kids but so far I’ve hated almost every minute of it. I have a really demanding baby that cries a lot, is a fussy feeder (EBF) doesn’t sleep at night and every nap is a battle and I can’t help but feel constantly disappointed in him. I know it’s not his fault and he’s a helpless baby and it’s my previous expectations that are the problem but I’m finding every day a struggle and I feel like it’s affecting my ability to bond with him. Whilst my Mum friends sit in cafes with their babies, I avoid going out as every time I’ve tried I get really stressed as my baby just screams the whole time. And I can’t help but feel jealous of Mum’s with their calm sleeping babies. But then staying at home doesn’t help my mood either. He hates his pram so going for walks is hard and I have a bad back so the carrier isn’t great either.

I miss my old life and I just want time to fast forward.

I don’t really know what I’m after, I think I just needed to say out loud how I feel but if anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears.

Sorry you're having such a tough time. Could it be colic? If so, hopefully it will pass soon on its own and things might get a bit easier. have you spoken to you HV about the crying?

@PileofLogs Yeah I've spoken to my HV. Not much help though 😔

I don't think it's colic as he doesn't cry inconsolably for hours at a time anymore, he used to but we worked out he was just overtired. He's just generally always grumpy and unsettled and vocal about it. I know it's normal for babies to cry and it's their way of communicating but he seems to cry a lot more than friends babies. He's just very demanding and "high needs".

Sounds really tough. I'd encourage you not just to stay at home as that's going to make you miserable. I know it feels awful when your baby is crying when all the others are quiet but honestly, nobody is going to notice anywhere near as much as you are so please don't feel stressed about that aspect.

Do you have a sling library near you? If so I would go and get some advice on slings - I am not very strong and have had back issues but the right sling was fine.

I honestly found slings really transformed things for us, both my babies were so content, I could go out for walks, go to art galleries, really feel free in a way I didn't with the buggy

I felt a bit like this with my baby. There is a horrible shock when the reality of a baby coincides with the daydreams of what a baby is like coincide - it's totally normal.

The baby will take its cues from you, so if you're happy, your baby is more likely to be content. So what makes you feel better? Keep it to tiny things at the moment - so if you like going for a walk and sipping coffee, get yourself a nice travel mug and nice coffee, and go for a walk. Your baby will get used to the pram (obvs check it's comfortable), then get out of the house. Once your baby is used to the pram and will nap or at least lay calmly, then progress to coffee shops. I think very early on (which is where you are) it's a myth that you can sit in a coffee shop, but it will happen.

Just keep swimming, get through the day and the next, and things will start to fall into place. Have a look for baby groups too (church run or library groups are often free), as they are very tolerant of crying babies and you'll get to chat with others. Hang in there!

I'm 12 weeks in with a colicky baby. I feel your pain as it has been INTENSE. I also ebf and feel this has been my secret weapon. I know he will scream when we go out but when he feeds he is quiet so I know that once I'm in a cafe I can just whip out a tit and I get a quiet half hour.

He also hates the pram but I persevered with the baby carrier and as my back got stronger it started to hurt less.

Unfortunately I think you just have to try lots of things and in the end what will probably help is just them getting older.

So sorry that sounds very hard. I can remember those days with my first and feeling like I'd never be able to go anywhere! I would recommend going out but just do small, manageable trips that you can easily get home if things start going awry. I started with walking to the local supermarket every morning and having a coffee. It wasn't like a small coffee shop where people would stare if DD started crying, I knew if things kicked off I could easily just get up & leave immediately. Same for walks, I stayed local and could quickly get home if needed. Then you can try a baby class perhaps, one for similar aged babies. Or a swim class? Babies love warm water. Things will get better, my DD that cried lots soon became a baby I could take anywhere & not be stressed. But start with little steps. Good luck.

I also hated parenthood when my first was 8 weeks old, for much the same reasons.
It gets much better. And my clingy, high strung, demanding EBF velcro baby is now a gentle, sensitive, intelligent and creative boy who is never any trouble.

I agree with get thee to a sling library. Good slings actually put the weight mostly on your hips, not your back and shoulders.

Having a baby is a big shock! You can't understand it until you have one.

It took me 12 weeks to bond properly with my first. He hated going to sleep (still does). He'd only sleep attached to me or moving in the pram. He was so really gassy.

Working out how to burp him helped. I also succumbed to a dummy - which honestly was a lifesaver. You will start to understand his cues better too. My mistake was making him try to sleep when he wasn't tired.

Definitely go out, everytime he cries he just whack him on for a feed. I spent the first 16 weeks with DD permanently on.
We did at least 3 classes a week so we had somewhere to be and some sort of purpose. Even though for most of it I just sat feeding.

Don’t bother trying to organise naps, just crack on with your day and let him work it out. I didn’t put DD down at all really, just let her feed and nap all day on me wherever we were. Which was mostly on the sofa if we weren’t out to be fair. I expect you are trying to live as you used to and for now you just have to relax in to a new way of being. It flies, honestly. It’ll be 100% different in another 3 months.

It’s not forever.

Your post bought back memories of when I first had dd (now going on 7). She was also hard work and didn’t conform to any of the expectations I’d had. Your ds sounds so similar, down to the hating of the pram/slings which is such a barrier to getting out and about.

a baby that you find difficult along with such a shift in lifestyle, post pregnancy body recovery, hormones and sleep deprivation alongside feeling like every instinct is constantly on alert is a massive shock to the system. There is some relief in submission.

I know you want to get out about but there is some peace in submission (!). I look back at my DD’s first year and wish I’d spent less time trying to get her to conform to my expectations and just gone with the flow (primarily because nothing I did worked ). It’s really hard to truly believe because you don’t have a lived frame of reference but I promise you that this is just a phase that will end and/or change.

If something you try doesn’t work let it rest and try again in a few weeks. My pram and sling hating dd completely changed around the four month mark and it was much easier to get out and about.

My first was like that. The extreme fussiness got gradually better after 3 months and although she is and always has been very highly strung and quick to anger, worry etc she is a fairly well behaved child (perfect and excelling at school, usually ok at home but when she loses it she really loses it!) and was quite an easy toddler.

I also had unrealistic expectations and was very jealous of all the other mums with easy babies. My NCT group all felt sorry for me!

Try to get out and when you don't enjoy a feel good box set whilst you clusterfeed or pace the room.

My second was a lovely content baby!

I can sympathise a little bit. Although I love being a mum, my baby is the one at baby groups that screams and is very vocal - he's nearly 8 months though so at a completely different stage to yours. I'm a very shy and reserved person myself so it does stress me out when we are out and he screams! They change so quickly so I think it will get better for you soon. I think the reason my bub screams is boredom rather than tiredness!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar boat with a fussy baby, easily overtired and screams a lot so I never go out. I also have a toddler. We've been in survival mode for 2.5 months and I really can't wait until by baby gets older and we can start enjoying our life again. This is a really really hard season, but I try to remember this is only one short moment of a life-long relationship with your child -- the future will hold so many good memories. We will get through it, one painful, stressful, exhausting, tear-filled day at a time.

Sounds exactly like my experience when DS was a newborn. He was incredibly unsettled, a fussy feeder, cried a lot and wouldn’t just ‘nap on the go’ (had to be bounced and breastfed in a pitch black room). You’ve been dealt an unlucky hand in the newborn stakes so please don’t tell yourself this is all due to having wildly unrealistic expectations. A lot of people who have sleepy, easy babies have no idea this is the reality for a lot of people and have probably had their expectations met or exceeded.

It gets better. My unsettled newborn is now my brilliant, interesting, happy, good sleeper toddler! I utterly adore parenting him and my life would be nothing without him, I could have given him away to the lowest bidder as a newborn.

My only advice would be, try and get to a sling library and move him to the buggy (as opposed to the bassinet of the pram) as soon as possible. A combination of time, the right sling and being upright in the buggy was a game changer.

Sending love, I was weeping for 12 weeks thinking it was all a mistake but it gradually improved, hang in there, I know it feels like your old life is over but I promise it isn't. Your baby will used to being outside and their digestive system will mature, they will gain more personality and you'll see motherhood in a different light. Took me 4 months to get used to it all, it's soooooo bloody hard. I'm glad you're acknowledging your battle! You're doing a great job I'm sure. I thought people lied to me to be kind but it really does evolve into something beautiful and special! What I think now is - thank god the bad bit is at the beginning, you'll be proud if yourself you've survived it x left foot, right foot, breathe....

If your stressed and unhappy the baby will pick up on that .. hope the baby settles for u soon snd u become happier x

Hand holding here. I've been there - twice now. Everyone told me you don't get two the same. Well DS 2 is a carbon copy of DS1.

He's 15m now and still a grumpy little bugger - happier than he was as a baby and is happier the more he can do and the more he can communicate but yeah, everything is the end of the world to him.

Days are hard but do go out. It's necessary I promise you. Get a sling if you can, DS tolerated that better than a pram and now he's old enough has a trike instead of a pram which he tolerates better too.

I think you're still in the thick of it at 8 weeks tbh.

Yes some people have lovely, sleepy calm babies, but in my experience it's 6-9 weeks that are the hardest. Your reserves are running low and baby is waking up to the world and crying/needing more.

Things really start to come together around 12 weeks. I don't think I really even loved mine til then.

I definitely wasn't sitting on cafes sipping coffee at 8 weeks! I was getting used to walking the dog with the baby in the pram and sometimes turning back because I found the wind too stressful - that makes me laugh now 😂

Oh gosh I empathise. My first DC and last DC were like this and I absolutely didn’t enjoy it. I remember being a hot sweaty mess with the screaming baby whilst the other Mums enjoyed their coffee and chat. Trying every pushchair and sling on the planet in the hope they would be the answer. For me it was just time and maybe forgiving myself for not enjoying it. I certainly don’t look back on those days fondly so ignore all those who say you will miss this stage. Our middle child was a dream of a baby so a whole different experience which perhaps helps me not blame myself.

And as for unrealistic expectations. I worked with new born babies and Mums before I had my children so I had a very good idea of the highs and lows but nothing could’ve prepared me. Just survive it. It is extraordinarily hard when you have a tricky baby and you have my upmost respect xxx

Oh and Eastendgirl1234 my friends would laugh at that. I am chilled within and inch of my life…sadly only two out of three of my babies got that memo 😂.

It’s the thought of having to live through DS’ first 15 months again that make me not want a second. It sounds so silly as by 18 months he was very manageable and by 2 he was far easier than the average toddler…but my god that first year was diabolical. Everyone says ‘lightning doesn’t strike twice’…but if it’s another miserable, none sleeping, velcro like DS was I’m just not sure I could cope really. Anyway well done for surviving 2 like this, I really hope you get an easier ride going forwards! Xx

@AliceW89 ds1 was 8 when DS 2 rocked up - for years I simply couldn't imagine the thought of managing a second with another child if they were ANYTHING like ds1 had been!!😂😂

This time round has been bloody tough but it's been easier to say to people this time round that "actually, it's not been great, and listening to a baby cry constantly is bloody hard work". I've not felt the same societal pressure to tell the world I love every second!!

@AliceW89 and interesting you should say your DS has been easier than the average toddler after 18m - DS1 has been a dream child since the same age. Could reason with him early on, no supermarket tantrums, a dream at bedtime/out and about/holidays etc, adores school etc. I get so many comments about his behaviour and manners and he loves it.
Someone told me in the early days that every child has a tough "phase" and I like to think I got my tough phases out the way early doors - I live in hope that ds2 continues in the same way..... 😀

I had a high needs baby and honestly he needed too much from me, I was just so unhappy all the time until he went to nursery. I didn’t feel like a normal human being again until he turned 4 and started school, then I had 7 hours a day to myself and I gradually became a real person again. Sorry I don’t have anything more comforting to say, other than it’s miserable when your baby is too needy but they do eventually grow up.