Hating motherhood - baby 2 months

[Applepie91]

I always felt like my purpose in life was to be a Mum. I always knew I wanted kids but so far I’ve hated almost every minute of it. I have a really demanding baby that cries a lot, is a fussy feeder (EBF) doesn’t sleep at night and every nap is a battle and I can’t help but feel constantly disappointed in him. I know it’s not his fault and he’s a helpless baby and it’s my previous expectations that are the problem but I’m finding every day a struggle and I feel like it’s affecting my ability to bond with him. Whilst my Mum friends sit in cafes with their babies, I avoid going out as every time I’ve tried I get really stressed as my baby just screams the whole time. And I can’t help but feel jealous of Mum’s with their calm sleeping babies. But then staying at home doesn’t help my mood either. He hates his pram so going for walks is hard and I have a bad back so the carrier isn’t great either.

I miss my old life and I just want time to fast forward.

I don’t really know what I’m after, I think I just needed to say out loud how I feel but if anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears.

...Either I posted this in my sleep, or @AliceW89 gave birth to a clone of my baby about 5 years later...

How is this helpful? She isn't choosing to be stressed and unhappy.

OP it's normal. I struggled for most of the first 6-8 months. Didn't felt like I had bonded, found everything such a faff, just wanted to go back to my old life. Now at 13 months it's progressively getting better. She's a proper person now and seeing her personality come through is amazing. I still don't feel that all consuming love people talk about but I look forward to seeing her and spending time with her. The turning point for me was going back to work (7 months). It made me feel like I had 'me' back and made me value time with her much more highly. Hang in there, you're doing great.

Hahah DS is 2.5 and I am only just contemplating having a second (and still nowhere near ready to stop my long acting contraception) 😂 Think I’ll have my work cut out persuading DH (who was talking vasectomies at 3 mo PP!)

You are so right though, it was the pressure of ‘enjoying every minute with my smiley, happy baby’ that broke me last time. Knowing it won’t be the same way forever and just knowing it’s normal and will pass should take the edge off…

Your second post made me chuckle. DS is exactly the same. He just ‘got’ reasoning and using language to express his emotions early on. He enjoys being around people and thrives off interaction and praise. Fully aware that we’ve not hit the f*cking threes and fours yet, but as of yet we haven’t had anything approaching a tantrum. Praying it stays that way 😂

😂 there seems to be a lot of these difficult babies that become reformed characters circa 18 months old!

My little nightmare is now nearly 8, and he didn't really become "easy" until 3, he still gave me the runaround and demanded my attention as toddlers do, but since that time he's been an absolute piece of piss and a human I really enjoy being around.

I was noooooot ready to have another until he was 2 though. (#2 did turn out more chill...)

Hugs OP - I really emphasise. I posted something similar in the newborn stage too.
My baby is very windy and fussy and I struggled massively in the first 8-12 weeks.
i would see mums with their calm babies and wondered why mine wasn’t like that and used to beat myself up. But every baby has its own challenges.
Alongside sleep deprivation i didn’t believe it would ever get better but it really does I promise. Your baby is still so tiny and getting used to the world.
recommend trying a sling, go out for walks everyday if you can.
hang in there - you’re doing a great job

Sorry to hear you are struggling. I promise, from my experience, this is normal and it does get better. For me it took about 2 years to really bond with DC but now at 3.5 I want to drink them up all day.

I can relate to the pram resistance, screaming etc. I could not have sat in a cafe and at all the baby groups mine was the screamer!

A few qus: did you have a traumatic birth? For me this prevented bonding for a long time. If this is you, check out the Birth Trauma Association. I had ptsd treatment which really helped. Does your baby have reflux? Again the case for me, explained a lot of the resistance to the pram/ever being on their back, the screaming and the hideous lack of sleep, all of which contributed to feeling like shit and a lack of bonding.

Things I found actually helped on a practical level:

• low expectations - a shower is a good achievement in the early days, a trip to a supermarket was a total win (out the house, friendly till assistant to chat to, not a confined space, easy escape)
• realising my baby’s crying is white noise to everyone else (read this in a book and it’s so true - only you are panicking about their crying, anyone else is prob just getting on with their day)
• actual white noise - download the app and play it constantly!
• putting clothes you’ve worn down on on pram mattress, tuck under like a sheet - making it smell like you makes them more likely to want to lie there. Put a few spots of breast milk on it too.
• microwave hot water bottle thingy - done 1 handed and no risky kettle boiling required, use to warm up the pram/Moses basket/changing table before putting baby down. They hate to be cold!
• bouncing on birth hall holding baby brought calm for the evening screaming
• bath/swimming pool always helped
• dummy - I discovered this waaaay too late. At first I had to hold it in place to stop it being spat out.
• Mother and baby yoga (yes mine obv screamed while the others slept in their car seats but the friendly instructor held dc while I did something semi normal for me and felt amazing afterwards - think it was mostly the breathing exercises.

All the best OP, I promise this time will pass and nothing is as tough as those early weeks. Just try to be kind to yourself and know it will get better!

Thank you so much everyone. All your replies have helped make me feel more normal. Sounds like I just need to power on through the next 18 months - 3 years but hopefully will have a wonderful toddler at the end of it 😅

@AliceW89 Funny you mention the outward facing pram as DH and I were considering trying that soon as ours is compatible from newborn and DS looooves looking at EVERYTHING so hoping he’ll prefer it. Would love for him to fall asleep in it too but I don’t have high hopes for that yet. Just not screaming will be a win for now.

@Gemstar2 You must be some kind of mind reader 😂 yes I did have a traumatic birth and yes my DS has silent reflux. We spend all day listening to white noise as it’s one of the only things that calms him - I’ve even been stood bouncing him in a restaurant playing it 😅 and we’ve spent many a night bouncing on a birth ball with him and he does love a bath. Sounds like we have very similar babies! I’m glad things are better for you now - it gives me hope.

Awww OP it’s so hard, I totally feel for you. Just remember you’re only seeing a snapshot of other babies’ days and maybe that’s the only point they’re not screaming, it’s not necessarily their whole day. Someone referred to those early months as the “investment period” to me and it really stuck with me…you put a lot in without getting a lot out, but once your DC starts interacting more it feels a lot more worth the effort, and it really won’t be too much longer until your DC is much more interactive.

I’m really sorry to hear you had a difficult birth. I would recommend getting help to process this - I had EMDR and it was genuinely life-changing. I got a referral to nhs talking therapies services via HV but you can self-refer. Once I had done that the barrier to bonding was significantly reduced.

Also, I didn’t mean to scare you by saying it took two years. It got A LOT better by 6 months and then it was an upward trajectory from there…but it’s by no means something to suffer, it’s ok to not be ok and the counselling therapy really helped me. Might be worth looking into?

Re reflux, have you tried expressing milk into a bottle? I found the reflux was much better when bottle feeding instead, but appreciate you may not want to do that.

Hahaha don’t worry about playing white noise wherever you go - I had 3 machines in the end, just couldn’t be without it! I’m pleased you’ve found things that work for you, you sound like you’re doing an awesome job in difficult circumstances, hang on in there!

bouncing on birth hall holding baby brought calm for the evening screaming

Yes! Babies looooove being bounced on a birth ball. I wish I'd known about this with my first. I spent so much of the newborn days pacing or rocking. With my second whenever he got cranky, I would just stick him in the sling and then bounce while watching TV. Worked every time.

Totally normal OP.

I have a 6mo and whilst he's still pretty high maintenance (compared to other babies) he's a very different baby to 2mo. The first 3mo were a humongous shock to the system, and looking back I was unhappy a lot of the time. We still have rough days but he's more predictable and I can get out and about with him now, which has made a world of difference.

It took me 4.5 years to decide to try for a second and my first wasn’t even that hard (aside from the non sleeping through till she went to school 😭). Parenting is a fucking SHOCK to the system. My second is now 4 months and she sleeps better than her sister but the newborn days I cried and cried, asking why did I have another child, wishing that I hadn’t. Now she’s a few months, much easier. But reflux, sleep deprivation, it’s brutal. When I’m struggling my favourite place is driving as the little ones are tied down (seat belts before some weirdo thinks I’ve actually tied up my children) and it feels like just me for a little while 😂

It's so bloody hard OP. My first was like this, she also had silent reflux. The medication helped but mainly things got easier as she grew out of it. She's 4 now and still prone to overemotional meltdowns when she's tired but on the whole she's very good and very easy. And a brilliant sleeper! I was worried about doing it all again with dc2 but she's been the happiest little ray of sunshine from day one - although as a toddler nowhere near as good at sleeping as her sister was.

Things that helped us:

• medication for the reflux
• acknowledging it's shit without any guilt
• she hated the pram (lying flat with silent reflux is uncomfortable as you'll know) and took all her naps on me in the carrier, so I didn't like using it out of the house. At about three months she was sturdy enough to sit up in the buggy seat at the lowest incline, complete game changer. Loved getting out for a walk from them on.
• baby groups helped me, as did meeting a friend who was off with a similarly nightmarish baby.

It will get easier. It's ok to find this hard, it's torture.

Does your LO like the dummies? If LO cries, put the dummy on. Have you tried other bassinets? Does your LO like tummy time? Black and white or noisy books? Being hold and rocked?