Non-resident mother not sticking to her contact hours

[CorDM]

DP’s teenage sons stay with their mother every other weekend, Fri 6pm - Sun 6pm as per the court order instructions. DP is resident parent, his ex lives about 50 miles away.
Recently, during her weekends, she has started letting the sons go back home if they want to, sometimes by train, usually because they want to go and stay with their friends.
Last time though she took them back several hours early on the Sunday and just left them at their house (DP’s home). Each time this has happened, DP hasn’t been at home, safe in the knowledge that they’re being looked after by their mother…. He also hasn’t been informed at the time, so only finds out after the event.
Understandably he is not happy about this, as during the times they’re not with her (50 miles away from her) neither parent has responsibility for them.
Is it worth him emailing the court to let them know that the ex isn’t sticking to the court order hours and is therefore not fulfilling her parental responsibilities? Thinking about it from a safety aspect…
He could maybe look at changing the terms of the court order, but actually he wants the boys to keep up their relationship with her, and also, it gives him a break when they’re not with him!

If they have keys then there isn't really a problem is there?

Why aren't they telling their dad that they are on their way home/going to X's though?

Because as far as the kids are concerned it's moms weekend and she's ok with it

In terms of the court order, it's interesting that everyone is suggesting that now they're teenagers they can do their own thing but if he wasn't adhering to it, and not facilitating their visits to her, that would be an issue, right?

Your Dp has the responsibility to not block contact on these weekends. So no taking them away, without prior agreement or stopping them going.

But no court is going to demand teenagers attend visitation if THEY do not want to or demand they stay for the whole time. And if they did, how would it be enforced? The police won’t pick them up and force them to stay, if they don’t want to be there.

Honestly at 13 and 14 they should be telling their dad where they are. A court may not be happy that no one knew where they were when they were in her care. There’s potential for social services to be involved, but again, at their age, there wouldn’t be a lot they would do. it’s unlikely they would try and stop the kids seeing her at all. And your dp doesn’t want that as he wants his weekend off.

If, at 13 dd was with her dad and decided to stay at a friends, I would expect her to tell me. Not her dad.

There seems to be lots of issues here. The main one being the teenagers refusal to communicate with their Dad. He needs to sort that. But facts are that as kids get to teenage years, they get more say over what they are doing and where they stay. Many decide to stay more at their main home. If they are at home alone, as they came back early, then they should let their dad know if that’s what he wants. But there’s really no big deal with them, at their age being in their own home. There’s no need for him to rush home.

Remember this isn’t about what’s fair on your dp or their mum. The courts will, where possible listen to older kids.

Your DP needs to drill it into them that they must keep him informed their whereabouts, I’ve done this with mine and they’re pretty good about it.
Their Mum’s behaviour isn’t impressive at all, but your DP can only control his end of things, IYSWIM.

I agree too. Surely it isn't beyond the NRP to call to let your DP know they are coming home? Although it sounds like he has a major problem with them not communicating. Perhaps they told her that your DP would be there? She should still check though.

One time she let them get the train back to their home town but had no idea what they were going to do when they got there (they ended up staying at friends’ houses although they could’ve gone back to their own house). DP was away that weekend - not with me.

That for me is a massive issue.
In the same way I would expect my dcs to let me know they are going to see friends, I’d expect them to let their dad know where they are staying if they are not with their mum.
But I think it’s first an issue between the dcs and their dad. And something he need to sort out.

The mum is flaky. As they are in her care during that weekend, she should know where they are (incl if they go and stay with friends - she should know where, how long and how they will be back home) just like she would have if she was the RP and they were Living with her iyswim

In terms of the court order, it's interesting that everyone is suggesting that now they're teenagers they can do their own thing but if he wasn't adhering to it, and not facilitating their visits to her, that would be an issue, right?

This is a false equivalence, it's the equivalence to her refusing to return them not her returning them early.
I would probably do similar to her if I had a teen EOW because I wouldn't want them to resent being forced to spend time with me, I'd rather they had one lovely evening and morning than a dragged out weekend that they don't want while they are focused on what they are missing out on with their friends. As others have said communication is the only issue. I mean if my 13/14 year old wanted to stay at a friends don't they just arrange with the friend at that age? surely parents don't call the other parents? Idk because my child is still younger but I'd be surprised if that still happens for a casual sleepover I was much more independent than that by year 9.

Who moved? did she move away or they moved away from her?

She moved away, after the split

I have slightly changed my mind after your updates.

I agree your DP SHOULD be sitting them down and having a conversation about communicating with him. But he also should be discussing some other more important stuff too……about their boundaries.
No one is saying 13/14 yr olds should not have some freedom, but staying overnight without telling anyone is not on and I’d be worried why they think that's acceptable?
When they are with your DP at home do they have boundaries then? Are they allowed to go out and stay out with friends without telling him?

Does he communicate well with them? Do they have a good relationship?
It just seems so odd they would completely ‘change’ in how they view what they can and cannot do EOW when with mum, when for the rest of the time they’d know what was the ‘thing’ to do? ( mostly teens know their rules!)

At 13/14 I think it’s ok for them to be travelling by train etc. But I don’t think it’s ok that neither parent knows where they are staying. That is a safeguarding risk, and neither parent comes out of that one well tbh. They are probably ok but who knows what they may be getting into?

On a final note if one if my DCs friends turned up and wanted to stay the night they would be more than welcome BUT even at 13-14 I would have said text your mum or dad please and check it’s ok. Usually I’d wait until they had (it’s also to make sure I am clear that if I have responsibilities that THEY know I’m taking that seriously - but usually I’d know the dc parents anyway at that age ). If they did it repeatedly every other weekend I’d be trying to get to the bottom of why they didn’t want to go home.

If your DH enables findmyiphone then that is an extra check as he can just look on map to see where they are. Most teenagers have Snapchat which has a similar map.

I’ve got/had teens. I’m the resident parent. This is perfectly normal behaviour. They want to see their friends and they also want to be at home - their home. The problem is that they are not communicating with their father. In future they call their dad if plans change. There will come a time (not long) when they will not go to their mothers every weekend. That’s the way teens behave. And once they can drive….freedom!

Firstly, unless you live in the family home and step parent these children it really isn't for you to sort out. Whatever you do, don't cast yourself into the role of supplanting, more caring and responsible step mother, as that is unlikely to end well.

It is feckless of the mum, but I sincerely doubt a court would do anything and court is rarely in children's best interests.n

He needs to press home to the kids that they absolutely must let him know where they are if weekend plans change. Not ok for no-one to know where they are sleeping but equally the kids are old enough to message their dad. Failing that he could call each day they are with their mum, to check where they are and when they are coming back.