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Original poster

Non-resident mother not sticking to her contact hours

63 replies

CorDM · 15/09/2022 13:42

DP’s teenage sons stay with their mother every other weekend, Fri 6pm - Sun 6pm as per the court order instructions. DP is resident parent, his ex lives about 50 miles away.
Recently, during her weekends, she has started letting the sons go back home if they want to, sometimes by train, usually because they want to go and stay with their friends.
Last time though she took them back several hours early on the Sunday and just left them at their house (DP’s home). Each time this has happened, DP hasn’t been at home, safe in the knowledge that they’re being looked after by their mother…. He also hasn’t been informed at the time, so only finds out after the event.
Understandably he is not happy about this, as during the times they’re not with her (50 miles away from her) neither parent has responsibility for them.
Is it worth him emailing the court to let them know that the ex isn’t sticking to the court order hours and is therefore not fulfilling her parental responsibilities? Thinking about it from a safety aspect…
He could maybe look at changing the terms of the court order, but actually he wants the boys to keep up their relationship with her, and also, it gives him a break when they’re not with him!

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 15/09/2022 15:14

She should tell your DH if they’re coming home early - that would be the responsible thing to do. And he should keep a record of all these times.

But given she probably won’t tell him, the kids are old enough to be told to immediately message their dad if the plans change and they’re coming back early. I don’t think that’s putting too much on teens. It would be not fair on them if your DH said “no that’s not ok, tell your mum you have to stay” as that puts them in the middle. But if it’s genuinely ok for them to come back whenever, then they should message him to let him know.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2022 15:14

No court can make her keep them longer than she wants to. They have phones and need to use them. They exist as a means of communication. He can’t do anything about his his ex behaves so all he can do is check the kids still want to go, even if she’s likely to turf them out early, that they feel safe taking the train etc. If they do he needs to make it clear to them they have to keep him posted on their movements. Him not knowing where they are is their responsibility.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2022 15:16

Nothing wrong with what they're doing - I actually think it's good parenting to understand and respect that your teenagers would rather be with friends than with you.
Everything wrong with the communication from all 3 of them, their mother and also the children. A quick text from one of them would have been fine.

We have a group WhatsApp with our 'family' . Ex, me, two teenagers. All info, photos of date out, instructions, changes of plans are on there.

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girlmom21 · 15/09/2022 15:19

each time it happened he wasn't told, so had know idea they were wandering around on their own, and that they weren't even at their mother's overnight.
That's the same as if they said they were staying at a friends when they're with him, surely?

I'd just encourage the teens to communicate with him.

anyoneanyoneanyone · 15/09/2022 15:23

They're old enough to start making their own choices and she's being a good parent not trying to manipulate them into staying somewhere they don't want to be.

Keep out of it, it's nothing to do with you at all. Nobody will thank you in the long run.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2022 15:24

I can totally understand why teens wouldn’t want to be 50 miles away from their friends every weekend and forcing them isn’t going to work. Probably time for your dp to have a chat with the children to avoid this situation. Perhaps they will be more communicative if they feel heard and renegotiate contact with their mum.

FrazzleDazz · 15/09/2022 15:26

Like you say, as the CAR is in place to facilitate/offer contact to the NRP it would be problem for your DP to not make them available for that contact but no court in the land will force a NRP to take up the offer of contact. Reading your other post I think this is a communication issue between DP and the children as they are old enough to let him know what they are doing and where they are going now.

Original poster
CorDM · 15/09/2022 15:29

It's not the same at all. If they go to stay with a friend when they're with him then he knows where they are! They don't just leave the house and not come home.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/09/2022 15:30

CorDM · 15/09/2022 15:29

It's not the same at all. If they go to stay with a friend when they're with him then he knows where they are! They don't just leave the house and not come home.

But she knows where they are, right? Or are you saying they just run amok when they're with her?

Original poster
CorDM · 15/09/2022 15:32

No that's the whole point, she doesn't know where they are. She doesn't even know the friends that they're staying with. She just let's them go back to their home town 50 miles away and gets on with her day.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/09/2022 15:33

Oh she's shit then and I've change my mind to now recommend they don't bother doing overnights with her at all.

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 15:34

Not sure why they would be wandering around, their mum dropped them at home. Yes, ideally she should have notified DP that she was bringing them back, but given they're both teens with a phone in their pocket it's not worth getting into it with her about why she didn't.

Dp just needs to tell them they're welcome to come home any time and to drop you a line to say their on their way. Not sure what emailing the court would do, they won't be able to help you with this one.

girlmom21 · 15/09/2022 15:41

@GreenManalishi OP said she often lets them go home on the train too

PeekAtYou · 15/09/2022 15:41

If you went to court, a judge would say that it was totally up to the kids who they see and how often. (They could say they never wanted to see their mum and a judge would be fine with that)

The boys should be able to text their dad when they go on sleepovers or get back early. If they are not doing that then your partner needs to consider taking their phones off them for not using them for their intended purpose. My son was crap with texting but he's learned what sort of occasions warrant a text. For example, if he's gone to his dad's and forgotten to take a key then he should text me in plenty of time to say what time he's planning to come home so could I stay in for that time.

Focusing on training the boys rather than expecting the ex to text is the way forward. If things are acrimonious then she'll use it to annoy him and it will be handy as they get older and travel further afield

nachoavocado · 15/09/2022 15:43

Ask the teens to text their dad. If he says just give me a text to let me know then I can make sure I'm not wandering naked or something. That's all it takes.

Original poster
CorDM · 15/09/2022 15:50

One time she let them get the train back to their home town but had no idea what they were going to do when they got there (they ended up staying at friends’ houses although they could’ve gone back to their own house). DP was away that weekend - not with me.
The second time she brought them back in the car to the house then left. She still wouldn’t have known what they did after this.

Obviously the boys would rather be with their friends but I still find it amazing that so many people think it’s ok for a 13 & 14 year old to be able to just do whatever they like, whenever they like, even if they do communicate by phone.

And obviously they are welcome in their own house, this wasn’t about them not being allowed.

Someone mentioned not ‘forcing’ them to go 50 miles away from their friends - but DP has to do that because of the court order.

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 15/09/2022 15:51

it was more the fact that she just decided to end her contact time so early. And again, that DP wasn't back till much later and he had no idea what had happened .They are 13 and 14, do have mobile phones but don't communicate with them. I agree this is an issue and something DP should tackle

You can't force contact even if court ordered on a NRP so they can turn up, if they do this regularly bog back to court and get contact reduced to reflect what she has on average

However the NRP leaving them to make their way home 50 miles away or dropping them off home early without agreement or knowledge of RP at age 13 and 14 is an issue which you should take back to court. That neglectful and court may take a view this unreliability as a parent is an issue .

Original poster
CorDM · 15/09/2022 15:53

If you went to court, a judge would say that it was totally up to the kids who they see and how often. (They could say they never wanted to see their mum and a judge would be fine with that)

So you think if DP did this, the original court order and hours would be dismissed? Wouldn’t he have to officially apply for a change to the CO?

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 15:55

Ok well this adds more context. No he doesn't have to force them, he has to make them available but at this age it's their wishes that should be taken I to account about which home they spend time in.

They shouldn't be able to drift unaccounted for, no, but rather than trying to force her to have them more it might be sensible to get them to convey their wishes to their mum if hey don't want to go, and to their dad if they want to come home. Their part of the deal with their increased freedom is communication.

Original poster
CorDM · 15/09/2022 15:56

However the NRP leaving them to make their way home 50 miles away or dropping them off home early without agreement or knowledge of RP at age 13 and 14 is an issue which you should take back to court. That neglectful and court may take a view this unreliability as a parent is an issue .

Well this is what I was thinking too, but apparently only one other person is of the same mind! Maybe I’m just old-fashioned…😆

OP posts:
Original poster
CorDM · 15/09/2022 15:59

GreenManalishi I think you’re absolutely right. Unfortunately the boys don’t communicate well at all so I think that’s the conversation DP needs to be having.
Thanks for your insight

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 15/09/2022 16:00

I agree that it's poor parenting on her part, but again, the children don't have to spend the time with her. It's shit for the RP as they basically have to go along with whatever the NRP/the children decide to do. Before my friend's DD decided that she didn't want to see her Dad at all, she would just text/call her Mum saying that she was coming home - often my friend was out and sometimes away! Teenagers can return to their main home whenever they want really.

The boys do have their own house key, right, or a neighbour who keeps one for emergencies? Both my DC (17 and 24) do, and know which neighbour to ask if they've forgotten it.

Cameleongirl · 15/09/2022 16:00

Sorry, my DS is 14, not 24!

TwinkleChristmas · 15/09/2022 16:03

Why doesn’t your dp tell his kids to message him when they are on their way back?

Original poster
CorDM · 15/09/2022 16:03

They do have keys. I do think it’s just communication that needs to be improved, if it’s not a court issue

OP posts:
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