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Original poster

Partner prioritises gym and work over baby

31 replies

Mummainlondon1 · 14/09/2022 21:24

Hello, I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me.

I've got a 9 month old baby and since he was born, my partner has not yet put him to bed and has only fed him once.

He works, then goes to the gym, then goes through to his office and works more, before going to bed. If I ask him to spend time with the baby, he says he's working hard now to give our child a good future, and that he needs the gym or his mental health would suffer.

I do every feed, bath and bedtime on my own and it's starting to feel very monotonous - I've lost my social life whilst he carries on like he doesn't have a baby.

My son refuses the bottle so is obviously very attached to me but my partner promised he'd step up and cook for and feed our son when he started weaning but that's yet to happen. If I ask for help, he says he's too busy and if I get annoyed/upset, he manipulates things to the point where he says that I have it easy because I don't currently 'work'.

On the weekends, if I convince him to go out with me and the baby he guilt trips me and we can't do anything that takes the whole day as he can't miss the gym. However, if one of his gym friends wants to hang out after their workout and go for food, he's happy to go.

Do you have any advice for how I can try get him to cut down/spend more time with our baby? I don't want him to grow up feeling let down by his dad. I've been with my partner for 15 years so have given up hope of him prioritising me but I at least want him to prioritise our baby.

Thank you! :)

OP posts:
newbiename · 14/09/2022 21:32

Get up and go out.
Leave him to parent his own child. What happens if you want to go to the gym ?
Did you discuss this before you had the baby ?

Dacadactyl · 14/09/2022 21:38

I feel really sorry for you because I fear he won't change. If he didnt prioritise you over the past 15 years, I don't understand why you thought he was capable of doing it for a baby. He sounds utterly selfish.

I think you need an honest heart to heart with him.

Teenyliving · 14/09/2022 21:41

He won’t change.

get back to work as soon as possible and get financial independence

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cestlavielife · 14/09/2022 21:42

Just go out and leaVe the baby with him

NuffSaidSam · 14/09/2022 21:42

You need to prioritise yourself and your baby.

Start laying the foundations for being able to leave.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2022 21:43

Do you have any advice for how I can try get him to cut down/spend more time with our baby?

No advice would work because he doesn’t want to. He can’t know the baby at all because he’s never even the most basic care so if you go out and leave them you’ll worry the whole time and come home to a traumatised infant and an angry resentful partner.

I don't want him to grow up feeling let down by his dad.

It’s inevitable that he will. Because his dad is a let down.

I've been with my partner for 15 years so have given up hope of him prioritising me but I at least want him to prioritise our baby.

This is heartbreaking. For a decade and a half you’ve been what should be the most important person in his life, the one he should cherish and care for and love. If he hasn’t made an effort to spend time with you why would he bother with a baby he doesn’t know?

Whatever he told you might change you know what he’s like, what he’s always been like, and you’ve been incredibly optimistic to expect he’d have a personality transplant.

I’d rather be lonely on my own than with a man who shows me day in day out he can’t be arsed with me or my child. If you stay with him all you can do is accept who he is - sadly that’s selfish and uncaring.

Juicylychee · 14/09/2022 21:43

Leave the tosser!

Greydogs123 · 14/09/2022 21:44

If he’s been selfish for 15 years, why do you imagine he’ll change now? Did you discuss having a baby? Was the baby wanted by both of you?
If you said you were going out for a couple of hours for a break and he needed to care for his child, what response would he give?
I fear that this child is going to make you realise you don’t have a relationship.

Original poster
Mummainlondon1 · 14/09/2022 21:50

Thank you very much for your messages. You just reiterated what I was feeling so it's like a bit of therapy to be honest!

He promised he'd be there once we had a baby and would cut down on things and shift priorities etc but clearly he hasn't.

Thanks all x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummainlondon1 · 14/09/2022 21:52

Sorry, don't know how to directly respond to someone!

We were trying for a baby for half a year and it was wanted by both of us and planner for years, not something new or something I pressured him into!

OP posts:
Bossa09 · 14/09/2022 21:52

Hiya

I’m pretty much in the same position. We even sleep in separate rooms and have since DD was 2 weeks old.
However, it wasn’t like this before. We were pretty much active and loved going walks / finding new places to go.
The gym has always been a big factor but I didn’t mind as much because I was working later most nights. Did you mind as much when you were working or pre-baby? Or has things mostly been like this for you regardless?

AnyFucker · 14/09/2022 21:55

“Partner” you say ?

Beachy10 · 14/09/2022 22:00

I could have written this. My son is 16 months now and I've just walked out.

Original poster
Mummainlondon1 · 14/09/2022 23:39

Bossa09 · 14/09/2022 21:52

Hiya

I’m pretty much in the same position. We even sleep in separate rooms and have since DD was 2 weeks old.
However, it wasn’t like this before. We were pretty much active and loved going walks / finding new places to go.
The gym has always been a big factor but I didn’t mind as much because I was working later most nights. Did you mind as much when you were working or pre-baby? Or has things mostly been like this for you regardless?

Really sorry to hear that. Especially that you used to do things together and that's changed since the baby.

I didn't mind pre-baby because I could spend my evenings and weekends socialising, keeping fit etc so his gym obsession didn't make me feel alone. When you try talk about things, does he belittle your needs/feelings?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummainlondon1 · 14/09/2022 23:40

Beachy10 · 14/09/2022 22:00

I could have written this. My son is 16 months now and I've just walked out.

Sorry to hear but really hope it makes you and your son happier in the longrun :)

OP posts:
beebopper6 · 15/09/2022 02:45

I think it's defeatist to say someone won't change. I've been married 22 years and we've both changed quite a lot to accommodate each other's needs and preferences.

My DH has needed things spelled out many times and then changed so that he's now a better husband and father. Likewise, he has sat me down and explained things then I changed.

Often it's a slow process and needs more than one big conversation but it's not impossible for a person to change especially if they are decent and kind at their core.

ItsDinah · 15/09/2022 03:10

Find a gym with a creche. They do exist and take children from 6 weeks. If you really can't go back to work full-time, make sure you have some sort of social activity built into each day. Invite people to your house at weekends and on evenings if he won't keep you company.

Simplehappyzen · 15/09/2022 03:11

Hi OP. I could have written this exact same post 17 years ago. I stuck it out until my son was just over 2 then packed my bags and left. Strangely enough, it was my ex husband that wanted a family more than me but I quickly realised that me being stuck in with no social life had me just where he wanted.

Once I'd left I signed up to a gym where they had fantastic creche facilities and started to have some time for me. ExH previously wouldn't allow me to join! When Iook back I cannot believe the cr@p I put up with. Think long and hard about how you want your future to be.

DarceyG · 15/09/2022 06:50

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2022 21:43

Do you have any advice for how I can try get him to cut down/spend more time with our baby?

No advice would work because he doesn’t want to. He can’t know the baby at all because he’s never even the most basic care so if you go out and leave them you’ll worry the whole time and come home to a traumatised infant and an angry resentful partner.

I don't want him to grow up feeling let down by his dad.

It’s inevitable that he will. Because his dad is a let down.

I've been with my partner for 15 years so have given up hope of him prioritising me but I at least want him to prioritise our baby.

This is heartbreaking. For a decade and a half you’ve been what should be the most important person in his life, the one he should cherish and care for and love. If he hasn’t made an effort to spend time with you why would he bother with a baby he doesn’t know?

Whatever he told you might change you know what he’s like, what he’s always been like, and you’ve been incredibly optimistic to expect he’d have a personality transplant.

I’d rather be lonely on my own than with a man who shows me day in day out he can’t be arsed with me or my child. If you stay with him all you can do is accept who he is - sadly that’s selfish and uncaring.

I am on my own with my 8 year old and I am much less lonely than when I was with my ex.

Cats23 · 15/09/2022 06:56

Just get up and go out,Leave the baby with him.
If that doesnt work- Leave, he won't change

JuneOsborne · 15/09/2022 07:09

This is a vision of your future. You'll be doing all of the parenting and grunt work. All of the pick ups and dropoffs, sitting alone at nativity plays and carrying the mental load of having a home and a family. Decide now if you can do this for the next 18years or so.

bloodyunicorns · 15/09/2022 07:40

So has your h always been like this?

Why did you think he'd change after having a baby?

He sounds irredeemably selfish. I couldn't put up with that. Tell him if you divorce he will have to look after dc at least eow...

He has clearly checked out of family life.

Take back control, decide what YOU want.

economicervix · 15/09/2022 11:35

@bloodyunicorns no divorce needed, if you read the OP you can see he’s just a boyfriend.

The bloke is trash, you knew he didn’t even like you for a decade and a half and sadly chose to inflict him on a kid. A year of child neglect. You should be repulsed. Obviously dump him. Making your kid live with a man who openly could not give a shit about him/her is awful.

bloodyunicorns · 15/09/2022 11:39

Oh yes, sorry @economicervix - makes things much easier.

economicervix · 15/09/2022 11:40

@beebopper6 cool story, so not at all relevant to OPs shitty boyfriend who neglects his kid and does everyone his power to get away from them as much as possible.