Uncomfortable in my own home since having a baby

[fatpengu1n]

Just wanted to see if anyone else has felt similar or could perhaps give me a reason why I feel this way.

I am a FTM of DD 9 weeks. For context, she is so lovely, chilled and a great sleeper. We have a nice routine, lovely local friends from NCT and my husband is so supportive and a great dad already. Unfortunately he works a lot and two nights a week he works away but when he's home, he's amazing. We don't live near either set of parents, however, we see them regularly and they're always more than happy (sometimes desperate even) to help out.

I know I am so lucky and should be so grateful and I really am, but since she was born, my house doesn't feel like home anymore - it's like I'm uncomfortable being there. It doesn't feel like the cosy, safe place it was and I don't know why. I really struggle to enjoy things now, for example TV shows I used to like, or favourite meals. When I'm out, I tend to delay coming home as much as possible, even when my DH is in.

I am also so anxious surrounding my DD's sleep - It's almost like im scared of her at night, and im terrified that she'll regress and never sleep properly again. For context, at the moment, she does 7pm-3am and then sleeps again until 7/7:30.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading.

Do you feel happy? You have said several times in your post that you feel grateful for what you have but do you feel happy with your new life? I am not saying its depression or anxiety but maybe something to consider

Can you articulate what it is about your house that makes you uncomfortable? Was it partly true before? For example did it used to be your dh house and so doesn’t feel like yours? Is it because it’s changed to accommodate all the baby paraphernalia that means it is more cluttered than you would like? Could you set aside an adult space where you can escape to in the evening or whilst your baby naps (when they are a bit bigger and can be left that is!)

You also mention being afraid at night - is that just of sleep regression? Sleep deprivation is really tough but worrying about it won’t change if it does or doesn’t happen? I guess I’m wondering if anxiety might be at the heart of both of these issues and if talking to someone professionally might help?

I am happy with my DD, I love her so much. But I want to enjoy being her mum and my new life, but I'm finding it hard as I always feel like I'm on edge - feeling sick/butterfly tummy most days.

So no I'm not happy because I'm feeling like this!

I don't know - it doesn't feel like my house anymore, I feel like a guest. It's a house we bought together and I used to crave time at home as I worked such long hours. I used to spend the holidays (I'm a teacher), loving all the time I got to be there. I'm so sorry, this really does sound odd, and I'm probably not explaining it well!

It sounds like normal post baby emotions to me. I was all over the place emotionally after both babies and was so tired I couldn't enjoy things.

Can you try and reconnect with your home? Maybe invite a new friend and baby round? Make some new memories there with baby? Everything has changed hugely in your life so it kind of makes sense you're associating this with your house. Time to rediscover your home perhaps.

Postnatal anxiety. It's the hormones. I used to feel horrible dread as the evening drew in. It settled though, especially when I stopped breastfeeding. Hormonal contraception made it worse. Your brain shrinks when you have a baby to focus on danger, which is why you're feeling like this.
Make sure you're not thirsty or hungry and accept it's just the hormones which will settle down. You're doing nothing wrong.

Thank you so much for your reassuring reply. I had no idea about the danger thing - perhaps why I'm always on high alert.

Thank you! I probably need to try and relax a little more at home, rather than focus on everything that I haven't done.

I remember sitting calmly the night before I had my second thinking " oh no, my peace is going to go" and it did, completely, overnight but it does come back. Try to make your house reeeeally cosy and lose any expectations around sleep. Just focus on getting through each day. Loads of water though, being even a tiny bit thirsty was a huge trigger.

Losing my peace - I really that's it. I couldn't explain it before, but I this really describes how I'm feeling. Thank you. I suppose before, my home would be my peaceful place, but at the moment it isn't.

Yes! Relax as much as you can. Don't beat yourself up for things you haven't done.

I used to make sure our lounge was clear and cosy by the evening even if the rest of the house was a mess so that I could relax and rest.

These feelings are normal. It is normal not to feel 'happy' after a big change. You are describing feeling unsettled. This is completely understandable. Your relationship to the world has changed.

I put 'happy' in inverted commas because it is an emotion we chase but which is only really a short term thing. Chasing 'happy' I'd known to makes us unhappy! The feeling we should aspire to is actually better described as 'OK' - and there are things you can do to improve that. Talking about your feelings, giving space to process change, meditation, eating well etc.

You feel unsettled. Completely normal. You feel scared. Completely normal. Keep an eye on things like PND signs but I think give yourself a break.

Hi!!! I used to feel exactly the same when my first born was little. I hated my apartment and everything. I felt dreading days and nights...I agree with some of the suggestions here. Have you tried to do something for yourself at home? I know it may be easier say than done. But some small things that could give you some pleasures. I used to try to make some drinks (non alcoholic) for myself. And I used to take out my jewellery and some pretty things I own and wear them, just to remind myself I am still myself even I am a mom now.... don't forget to have ME time, even it only lasts a little while some days. But those are so important! In terms of the fragility of babies, they all are but they also not that fragile! I must say I am still on high alert but I do try to ask myself to relax a bit and don't worry too much of tomorrow. Whatever is coming it's coming. Let's get it through one day by a time and there is always a solution to everything! Don't worry! I am here if you want to talk to.

I think I can relate to this! I felt almost homesick even though I was home. I think the huge change to your life is just really unsettling and everything feels different. I used to get the feeling of dread in an evening and was always convinced it would be the night where her sleep went pear shaped. Things did settle down though but even now after 14months I occasionally find myself thinking back to how different everything felt pre-dd and I often think about the house and how different it feels now and it does make me feel a bit unsettled sometimes (and almost missing how our house used to feel). It's hard to describe. I wouldn't change anything and dd is amazing but everything is different and I think it takes some adjusting to.

Totally agree! Did you do something to cheer yourself up! Or do you think anything could have helped you to ease such a feeling if you could travel back?

“Once I was fearless, now I am afraid”

Welcome to being 100% responsible for a tiny baby 😊

I felt like this after having a baby. Life just felt very different. The house felt different. I'd always loved bedtime but suddenly I became scared of going to bed. I think it's normal to feel slightly disorientated after having a baby. Your hormones are all over the place, your sleep is disrupted and life is COMPLETELY different! All I can say is it passes and life starts to feel more normal again. It can take months though.

I felt like this, and although it did gradually improve, that feeling never completely went away for me until lo was about 4 and I could relax a bit and not worry so much. You aren't alone.

We have 3 now, and they are totally worth it.

Hi Op, I don't think it's the house that's the issue it's adjusting to always being on duty / on high alert. I promise that feeling does go away and you will relax and feel like yourself again but babies are a bit full on and I think how you are feeling is quite normal. I remember escaping to the supermarket to get some space from my baby who I loved so much but I just felt this crushing responsibility all the time. I think that what happens over the first year is you realise they become very resilient and your protective instincts calm down. My newborn, everything sterile, keep them in bubble, frlt unconfortable if people breathed on them. 1 year old can eat anything (no allergies) and the 3 second rule applied to floors. By 3 they rampaging all over the place, by 5 they are off to school.

Also, she's only 9 weeks. Accept now that there will be some sort of sleep issues down the line, whether it's when she gets her first bunged up nose, she learns to roll, can stand in her cot, can climb out of the cot and needs to go to bed, gets her first tummy bug. It might help you feel a bit less anxious if you know that there is no way for you to control any of that. Babies always get back into a routine again after any of these things and you will cope with all of it.

Her sleep almost certainly will change. And change. And keep on changing for ages! That's just how it works. DD is 12 weeks and was sleeping with just one wake-up until a week ago when she decided for a few nights that she needed to be up hourly. And now she has a cold and is sleeping okay again but she's so loud I am awake. And then it will be something else and something else.

It's easier to view it all as just something that happens, will pass and isn't a problem that needs to be fixed. And being tired isn't nice but that passes too.

I didn’t feel exactly like this but my anxiety really kicked up and I remember a general sense of dread- like my brain kept expecting to see horrible things, like opening the curtains and seeing a scary man at the window? I think like someone else said, my brain was just primed for danger in a very instinctive way. It did settle down for me as my hormones did, but if you keep feeling like this don’t be scared to have a chat with your health visitor or doctor.

When I had my first baby I used to feel like things that were on a shelf could fall on them. Even something very stable on a flat shelf like a cup or mug and had to move things away - even though it would defy physics for the thing to just move. I think as new mums we are primed to look for danger to keep our baby safe.

I think this sounds on the extreme end of the normal response to having a baby. I wouldn't dismiss it as normal before getting a medical check up. Especially the bit where you say you feel on edge/butterfly tummy. I would see your GP and get your thyroid checked, as post partum thyroid dysfunction is quite common and can present like this.