Help! I cant potty train my 3 yr old ds and i'm at my wits end! Advice please...

[Chattyhan]

We are getting nowhere despite it being over a year since he did his first wee on the potty. He's just not interested and my patience is wearing thin. He can do it but had just as many accidents as successes.

We have tried loads of attempts over the past year and he can do it but just not all the time! We seem to be more successful with no clothes on but he is able to pull down/up pants and trousers. We seem to get nowhere so give in and go back to nappies and i ask him if he needs to use the potty at bathtime/nappy changes but usually the answer is no. Today is our most recent attempt and we started at 12 after playgp he had 2 wees on the potty in quick succession and then we had a near poo episode where he just wouldn't go and started getting really upset despite me sitting with him reading stories then he really wanted a nappy on so i agreed that he could but when he'd done a poo off it came. After 15 mins he hadn't had a poo and i said we should take the nappy off and i didn't want wee in the nappy - while i said this he was weeing! he had one more success then 2 accidents in trousers the first time i was very calm and patient and 'never mind' but the second time i couldn't help being frustrated he said sorry and agreed to try harder especially being as he was only 1 success away from his 5 success present and then he had a wee on the floor a foot away from his potty and i hit the roof i can't understand what we're doing wrong. We've tried sweets, stickers, the big boy routine, sticker charts, and we're now trying to bribe him with presents but he's not doing it! Next suggestion please!

tbh I would leave it a bit longer if you carry on I think it might become an issue and that would be worse than him not being potty trained at the moment maybe he just isn't ready and no incentives are going to make him ready before he is
my ds was fine with wees but would wait until his night time nappy was on to do a poo aaagh

I agree i don't want it to become an issue but he doesn't seem any more ready than he did a year ago. We keep giving up and saying lets wait a bit longer and try again - we had a big gap when ds2 was born 4 months ago and i hoped starting playgp in oct would spur him on but nothing has. All his 'friends' are potty trained and i feel like we need to push him in the right direction.

Ok if he is getting upset about it you need to leave it or it will just become a fight.

Dont stress, just toilet him regularly, throw a pair of pull-ups on him just in case.

He will cop it, just bring him with you to the loo, i def found that once they can pee on command so to speak, you are half way there.

Dont ask him if he needs the loo, just bring him, maybe he would like it better on the toilet like mummy than in a potty.

chatty I wouldn't worry about anyone else just do what is right for him they are all different I don't think being potty trained early is a sign of intelligence

Step back

Leave the potty out where he can see it

When he is ready he will...

DD potty-trained herself in a week after 3rd birthday - day and nights! I had tried and failed so gave up and when she was ready she was ready.

She bloody stubborn though!

You will get there

Thanks for the advice - i'm beginning to think he'll never be ready!

I've tried him on the toilet but he doesn't like it and prefers the potty.

We've just had the 5th success on his chart and i've rewarded him with a big fuss and a ott present in the hope it will spur him on.

He was 3 in december and isn't this quite late for potty training? My mum keeps saying all her 4 were dry at 2 but i do ignore her! One of the biggest issues for me is that ds1 is so bright and was so early at everything else (walking at 9 months etc) it seems weird he's struggling with this.

He's also very stubborn and i sometimes wonder if he's just winding me up on purpose

everyone was telling me 'to leave her till she was 'ready'', but it seemed to me for sure that the longer i left it, the more stubborn my daughter became. at 18 months-2 yrs she was happily using the potty and toilet for everything but then i had a newborn and stopped taking her and she got used to her nappy again and at 2.7 she went beserk if i even made her look at a potty and screamed and had tantrums etc.
what i did was to leave her in no trousers or undies for a week. she made a mess for 3 days and i was ready to tear my hear out but then she cracked it in 3 days. i went nowhere, did no housework, no cooking or anything for the whole week, just focussed on getting her to go on the potty and offering a reward like a raisin or piece of fruit everytime she went. it was really hard but once we cracked it it worked. she is now toilet trained!

sherazade - thanks for your story it sounds quite simular to mine! So to update we battled to remove his night nappy this morning but eventually persuaded him and got him to sit on the potty with a reminder of a reward and he did a wee - lots of praise, we cheered and had cuddles and since then we have had 3 accidents. I've remained calm and we've discussed what he's supposed to do and his rewards but so far no more success's. I have said that mummy gets sad when he has accidents because it's a big job to clear up!

So i'm working this afternoon (picking up 4yr old from school and back to his house for a few hrs - with my 2 in tow) How do i handle the potty training? Do we forget it until we're home or do i go armed with clothes/cleaning products/potty and see what happens? Pull ups have never worked with him! He hates them and won't wear them and if i do get them on he won't go on the potty just in the pull up!

Well work is cancelled so one less thing to worry about but still no more sucess's and 2 more accidents - i've got him in a pull up because i can't handle any more accidents this morning and i'm continuing to ask him if he needs to go!

I think rewards need to be instant I think at three he's a bit young to understand "If you do something this many times you'll get a treat"

Thanks for the advice connortraceptive - i have tried giving instant rewards as well as the progress reward (i do think he understands the progress as he gets the chart and asks when he can get his present)and we've had one more success and no more accidents in the pull up.

Connortraceptive - Did i see you when searching the potty training archives? How's potty training with you?

I don't know whether to keep going or give in to the fact he's still not ready and leave it a few more weeks. But i think he's stubborn and lazy and leaving it won't make a difference

Yes I've been lurking about in the potty training section too!

It's going quite well this time. Like you we've tried several times before and it was a disaster, but DS seems much more ready this time.

We spent some time over xmas just sitting DS on the loo but keeping him in nappies and then last week put him into pants and have been quite strict with ourselves about not going back to nappies even when we're going out.

DS doesn't like sitting on the loo for any period of time so at first it was a struggle.

I think maybe put him back in nappies for a month and leave it all together and then go straight into pants full time during the day and just perservere for a week and not use nappies. If it doesn't show promise leave it again for a month.

I know it's stressful but he's three and they are FAR to busy doing other things to think about going to the loo you know

DS3 has just potty trained (yay)

Someone said that when they can wee on demand you are halfway there and I completely agree. A week ago DS couldn't wee on demand, so every time we sat him on the loo, he didn't go. Then one day he could and had been able to ever since. When he goes to the toilet, we praise him loads and he gets a small chocolate coin as a treat. I'm still giving him a treat every time now (until the coins run out ) but he is doing really well. He is even in pants at nursery. I think you really need to commit a couple of days to being at home and concentraing on it...and being determined yourself. It is easy to say you are fed u with the mess and it will never work (I did quite a few times) and to give up, but if you aren't committed then it won't work.

At the start I did put DS in pull ups for nursery/going out, but he has now decided he doesn't want them. Even though he ahd a pull up I still took him to the toilet.

You will get there eventually. I thought DS would never be trained (he was 3 last month)

And yes like Connortraceptive says they are too busy at this age to think about going to the toilet. Waaaaay too busy!

God I'm 30 and can't wee on demand [never could]

Always have to remember to take urine sample to midwife as I can never go on request!

Too busy indeed. DS has just jumped off the toilet mid wee shouting "ooh storymakers" when he heard the TV

connortraceptive - thats hilarious

Hi Han, Hope you have had a better afternoon with C.

AS you know it has take a loooooooong while to get J potty trained. Started about a year ago with getting him to look at the potty and gentle encouragement to perhaps do a little wee on it. The totally forgot about it once dd was born. Started again in August but cheated as i used nursery to get him started properly. I think i had 2-3 sets of wet clothes a day pretty much everyday for about 3 weeks. He was still doing wees on the potty but also a bit lazy and just went in pants. We have really praised him when he does wees/poos in the right place but also have been really disappointed when he has had accidents. We then started to get spells (maybe 2-3days) where he would be accident free and that was great, i would give big cuddles and tell him how pleased i was etc etc. Poos were and still can be an issue. We are just coming out of a two week 'accident zone' where pretty much everyday he has had an accident. I did say to him on Tuesday that if he could go accident free for the rest of the week that he could have a particular toy that he wanted, and so far we are accident free. He is so pleased with himself which i think is spurring him on to keep doing well.

When i started the training i made sure that i put him on the potty every 15 mins for the first day and then every 30mins for the next few days just to get him used to going on it. We did have a fair few accidents but we also had a lot on the potty.

It is annoying/hard work when you have a tiny one. I think E was about the age of A when i started the fun!

Keep at it. He will get there.

Hope you are all well. Have to catch up for cuppa soon xx

And I thought I was beginning to get a bit obsessive about potty training - I feel much better having read this string!

I am just at the end of the second week attempting to toilet train DD - a very forward 2.5 year old in every way except, it seems, when it comes to going to the toilet. I am expecting second baby at beginning of April, and was debating whether or not to bother attempting this feat before the big event (we had a disasterous attempt 6-months ago which put me off). However, she has decided she's fed up wearing pull-ups and desperate to be in 'big girl pants' so felt I couldn't ignore the issue.

However, it has been a real mixed bag of success with many days of more accidents than not. Choc button bribery worked brilliantly for 3 days on the trot - no accidents at all - then stopped. Washing machine is going constantly and my nerves are suffering. Have to admit to losing my rag a few times, which probably doesn't help.

Frequently, after asking if she would like to sit on the toilet (which she seems to prefer - though she does have the option of the potty) she adamantly refuses and then does a huge wee 10 seconds later in her pants! I just wonder if it's really worth pursuing - does she really know when she is about to 'go' or not yet? All the advice is that they should do by this age, but . . .

She is in nursery 3 days a week and they are happy to keep it up there, but I worry that a lack of consistency might not be helping either.

Is it worth keeping going? Would it do more harm than good to stop now as it's sending out mixed messages? I wonder if I am being a bit of lightweight over this, but I did expect it to 'click' quickly at her age (and being a girl), not take weeks and weeks. All advice gratefully received.

Personally I would stop for a month or two and then try again. We tried just before Xmas with ds when he was 2.5 and it just didn't happen, he's 2.7 now and it's amazing how in such a short space of time he's "clicked".

This is a bout our fourth attempt and it really has shown that when they are truelly "ready" it is so much easier.

I'm expecting in march so in the same boat as you.

Leave it until he wants to do it. As I've posted on a previous occasion you can lead a child to the toilet but you cannot make him poo. I offered the choice to my DS and DD at monthly intervals - nappy or pants. Eventually (both over 3) they chose pants, had one accident each and that was it. In addition their bladder control was far superior to earlier trained friends - they could go for many hours without needing the toilet or potty which was great when out. Save yourself the hassle. Wait until he is ready - less washing, less cleaning of carpets, less anguish for both of you. It will happen when he is ready.

ds is 3.4. He told me he wanted to wear pants two days before xmas (the day before 12 people descended from overseas and took over our house until mid January!!!) DS has a bowel disorder so I expected this to be a problem for him which it is, we just treat it like he was in nappies and when he tells us he has poohed we just change him. As for wees he has had about 2 accident free days in the entire 4 weeks but he wants to do this. I just change him (he sometimes is very reluctant) and hype up the successes. He has started to take his own wet things off and put them in the laundry with some prompting and assistance and always goes into the toilet to get changed to help consolodate the idea that is where the wees and poohs belong. We are 4 wks in and still having 2-3 accidents but also having some successes sometimes initiated by him telling us and sometimes by us telling him htat he is showing signs of needing to go. We still go out and about and I just deal with what happens as it happens. He will get it at some point, he is keen at the moment and I want to keep it that way, I wouldn't consider going back to nappies unless that is what he wanted.

Thanks for your advice. I have been feeling guilty about thinking of packing it in again, but maybe not such a bad thing after all.

Only problem is she is refusing to wear nappies because she is so determined to be a 'big girl'. I have just waved DH and DD off on a trip to see Grandad (a 3-4 hour drive down the M4) and tried persuading her that pull-ups with pants over them in the car would be a good idea, then pants only at Grandads. She point blank refused. She did do a wee on potty before leaving though. So DH is armed with potty, many changes of clothes, pull-ups and absorbant pads for the car seat. I do admire him for taking on the challenge!

Think I'll review the situation at the end of the weekend. Turning a deaf ear to requests for pants for a few more months may result in a few huffs, but a lot less anguish all round!

I am watching this thread with interest as my DS (also 3) seems to be going backwards. About three months ago he started potty training after showing no interest whatsoever. He clicked pretty quickly though we never managed a poo in the toilet. He does it standing up at the loo but struggles with the potty. He was saying everytime he needed a wee and he got a sweety and a star in return (3 for a poo but that never happened)

But now I have to take him all the time. He never says when he needs a wee and I'm on about 3 sets of clothes a day and in the house all afternoon with just his pants on. Even then I'll go through about 6 pairs of pants.

But on reading other posts I guess I just need to keep trying. How I will celebrate when I can fling all nappies away. DD(4) is still in night ones too