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Original poster

Paternity leave ending, feeling so anxious

48 replies

Orangechips654123 · 11/09/2022 16:29

Hello all,

Just after some comfort or advice really.
Got a 13 day old that just hates being on his own, he is all about contact for naps etc. This has been OK whilst the other half has been on paternity leave but that ends tomorrow so I just don't know how I'm going to cope.
How do I go about general things like toilet break, showering and cooking. I'm only just about able to do a bottle with baby in the other arm. We co sleep as doesn't like swaddling nor the crib. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the thought of doing this on my own during the day. I don't have much in the way of family support as most work full time aswell. Not getting much sleep either as other half goes to bed to try to get 6 or 7 hrs and I stay on the sofa all night. He does a job driving a lot so he needs to be rested enough and that also makes me anxious incase anything happened.
How do people get through this...

OP posts:

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DCINightingale · 11/09/2022 16:36

One day/hour/minute at a time. It will feel very daunting, but just go into the day expecting to do the absolute bare minimum - baby fed, you fed. For loo breaks or to get yourself a drink/lunch baby will be absolutely fine being put down for a few minutes. Even if they cry, just make sure they are somewhere safe and crack on. You will soon get into the swing of it and find yourself able to do some more things each day but just dont put any pressure on yourself to do more than the absolute minimum. Getting out for a little walk most days, or getting dressed felt like such an achievement for me at the start. Congratulations, enjoy the cuddles.

bombombo · 11/09/2022 16:37

It's scary, but honestly you will manage! My son was like that too and I was terrified for my husband to go back to work.

It's perfectly fine to pop baby down somewhere safe (pram/cot/bouncy chair etc) while you go to the loo/shower/eat. You do have to take basic care of yourself and baby won't be harmed if they cry for a minute while you sort yourself out. I used to put DS in his bouncy chair next to the shower so he could see me while I had a quick wash.

A lot of people swear by using slings in the house so baby is cosy and cuddled up to you but you have your hands free, worth a try

You'll get into your own little routine/way of doing things in no time and it won't seem so daunting

LIZS · 11/09/2022 16:39

Agree it is fine to put him down while you go to the loo, make a drink, dress etc. if you can make yourself some snacks in advance and shower while your dp is around it may make it less stressful.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting

bravotango · 11/09/2022 16:44

Do you have a sling? Would he let you wear him so at least you have your hands free?

picklemewalnuts · 11/09/2022 16:54

You only do essentials. Let other people help.

At the moment you are sleep deprived and birth shattered still. All you need to do is bottles and nappies, and snacks and drinks for you. That's a full time job right now.

FrizzledFrazzle · 11/09/2022 17:30

One thing that is really helping me (baby is 12 weeks now) is thaty either I or DH made me a batch of lunches every weekend. Something like some rice, a boiled egg and some chopped veggies, which I could just take out of the fridge and eat one handed on the sofa.

Just because your partner is going back to work, doesn't mean he gets to drop all the other household tasks on you.

Blessedbethefruitz · 11/09/2022 17:32

It's tough, but you'll get used to it :( The sling was my savior, and prepping as much as possible the evening before. I certainly didn't cook though, that was dp's job after work!

One comment - you say you co sleep, but also that you're on the sofa all night? I assume not co sleeping on the sofa? Can you get a mattress for another room just to have somewhere to chill and co sleep safely at night? You can always slide it away for the day time.

Hugasauras · 11/09/2022 17:37

Sling! I've loved Close Caboo for newborn stage for both of mine. DD2 is 12 weeks and has spent about 6-8 hours a day in it pretty much every day since she was born! Allows you to do most stuff.

But remember there's nothing much you 'have' to do. If you just sit on sofa and watch box sets that's fine.

Hugasauras · 11/09/2022 17:39

Also can't your partner sleep on sofa?! I've never known a woman with a newborn to have to stay on the sofa all night. You're still recovering from giving birth! I'm surprised o your partner is happy with that setup Especially if you are at risk of falling asleep like that. When do you sleep if you're on the sofa all night?

PuddingBear · 11/09/2022 17:40

Get a sling! Then you can go to the toilet or cook in peace. Shower when your partner is home.

Forget about doing housework etc. Just chill out with your baby watching box sets and relaxing 😊

Your partner can also take baby so you can nap when he gets in from work.

I still contact nap with my 20 month old 😅

PuddingBear · 11/09/2022 17:41

You also should not be cosleeping on the sofa. That is very dangerous.

Partner needs to be on the sofa so you two can have the bed.

MNCar · 11/09/2022 17:57

Please don’t co sleep on a sofa.
Please look at whether you should co sleep with a Bottle fed baby too. I’m sure there was some research that said not to as you are not as alert with baby as a breastfeeding mum is. No judgement there. It was to do with sleep rhythms.

Plus you are sleep deprived at moment.

A close close caboo is good for daytime pottering around but don’t fall asleep with it on.

You literally do bare minimum. My friends husband used to make her a packed lunch to make sure she ate! I was jealous tbh.

If the screaming gets too much. Stick on the extractor fan or hair dryer. It helped. We used to use the hairdryer to get might to sleep in cot next to us. A next to me. Then full size one.

Also as you are bottle feeding try and go to bed early evening. Even if only a few nights a week. Hubby can come up with baby when he is ready for bed. If baby doesn’t settle then off to the sofa HE goes!

I always tell new parents forget the cot in the early days in the nursery. Get a single bed in if you can.

BeanieTeen · 11/09/2022 18:07

How do I go about general things like toilet break, showering and cooking.

Showering I would wait until DH is home if you can. Just because it is more relaxing if you’re not thinking about baby while your in there and you don’t need to be as quick.
Order a takeaway if you need to! But batch cooking is good and your freezer is your friend.
Toilet break - I will tell you the best advice given to me by a lovely health visitor: it’s ok for your baby to cry for a minute or two while you do something quick for yourself, whether thats having a wee, changing your clothes or finishing a piece of toast you started eating or making yourself a cup of tea. Same goes for a quick shower if you can’t wait until DH gets home - no need to spend the day with baby sick in your hair waiting for him to get back so you can wash you hair.

WalkingOnMarshmallow · 11/09/2022 18:20

How do I go about general things like toilet break, showering and cooking.

I used to just put baby in the Moses basket and put her in it (without the base) wherever I was - in the bathroom etc. I still do it now when I need a shower, she's 6 months old.

Original poster

Orangechips654123 · 11/09/2022 18:41

We do cosleep on sofa but it's one with a footrest all as one so it's a giant space on it with no gaps. It was my choice to sleep downstairs as I found it so uncomfortable trying to feed him in bed as was initially breastfeeding but he tried to cluster feed but it went a bit wrong with delayed milk coming in so ended up swapping to formula for my own sanity so I asked other half to sleep upstairs to ensure he is rested to allow me to rest a bit in the day time.
Is co sleeping better on a bed then? I am going to try crib training but he is just such a contact baby so any advice would be appreciated for that.

OP posts:

MissMaple82 · 11/09/2022 18:44

You just get on and do it, baby isn't going to come to any harm being apart from you whilst you do other things. I know you are probably feeling anxious and vulnerable but how do you think single mums do it?

Regularsizedrudy · 11/09/2022 18:44

I think (but could be wrong) the sofa is more dangerous as it has more dips and sides for baby to roll (or be pushed) into which will block their airway. A bed is a big flat surface so less chance.

PuddingBear · 11/09/2022 18:50

Sofas are not safe on to sleep on with baby. Ever. Regardless of size. It increases the risk of SIDS by 50 times.

You need to read up on safe sleep advice:
www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

You should also read up on the fourth trimester. All babies are contact babies because it’s not biologically normal to separate infant and mother (cots!) so soon after birth.

PoTayToes80 · 11/09/2022 18:51

I went to the loo many times with my baby attached to my front in the carrier. You get used to it :)

Whyarewehardofthinking · 11/09/2022 18:53

It doesn't matter about the shape of your sofa, it still has areas that could suffocate a baby, plus the foam is very dense. It is not designed to be slept on, espeically with a baby. A friend of my sister suffocated her 5 week old on the sofa napping with him.

I understand about sleeping separately if DH has to drive but please use a bed if you absolutely have to cosleep. The fallout for that family was horrific.

As for everything else, babies can be put down safely and a bit of crying is fine; you have to also look after yourself.

Hugasauras · 11/09/2022 18:54

Yea please do not sleep on the sofa. If you really can't have the bed, get a mattress for the floor or something. It should be a firm one. And do read about safe cosleeping, especially if you are also formula feeding. But don't spend another night on the sofa - it's horribly dangerous.

BeanieTeen · 11/09/2022 18:55

Sofas are not safe on to sleep on with baby. Ever. Regardless of size. It increases the risk of SIDS by 50 times.

I think generally the risk is increased by parents falling asleep with babies on them accidentally - which is more common on a sofa. Tricky to assess the safety of said sofa, if it’s a flat surface and similar in shape to a bed it’s unlikely to be more risky. Especially compared to falling asleep with a baby in bed by accident. Planning ahead is key.

Hugasauras · 11/09/2022 18:56

Sofas also have different coverings on them that can reduce air flow for a baby v a mattress and plain sheet.

BigYellowElephant · 11/09/2022 18:58

God please don't ever cosleep on the sofa again! Incredibly dangerous (and I've coslept with all my kids, I'm not anti cosleeping at all). Why on earth isn't your partner on the sofa? He hasn't even back in work yet anyway so should be sharing the nights?

Also, a sling will be life changing. I had velcro babies and their dad never took any paternity leave at all (self employed) and we split up when I was pregnant with my youngest so did the newborn stage on my own from day 1 with 3 kids. It was honestly fine, the thought is worse than the reality. Baby just lived in the sling basically until we got into the groove of things.

Good luck! I find the clingiest babys become the most independent, confident toddlers, as long as you let them cling when they need to

Fleur405 · 11/09/2022 19:02

How do you get through it? You just do! Ask your other half to make you a sandwich and if you have a thermos type thing a flask of tea before he leaves for the day. Have lots of biscuits to hand. Realise (I) that if your baby cries for a few minutes while you have a pee that they are absolutely fine and (II) that this phase doesn’t last for very long! My DD is 6 months old. While the whole “you can never put me down not even for a second” phase was very hard it really does feel like a lifetime ago!

As for the co-sleeping, we did this to but definitely look at the lullaby trust advice - it’s better to do it safely in bed with a proper mattress than in a chair or on the sofa.

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