Paternity leave ending, feeling so anxious

[Orangechips654123]

Hello all,

Just after some comfort or advice really.
Got a 13 day old that just hates being on his own, he is all about contact for naps etc. This has been OK whilst the other half has been on paternity leave but that ends tomorrow so I just don't know how I'm going to cope.
How do I go about general things like toilet break, showering and cooking. I'm only just about able to do a bottle with baby in the other arm. We co sleep as doesn't like swaddling nor the crib. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the thought of doing this on my own during the day. I don't have much in the way of family support as most work full time aswell. Not getting much sleep either as other half goes to bed to try to get 6 or 7 hrs and I stay on the sofa all night. He does a job driving a lot so he needs to be rested enough and that also makes me anxious incase anything happened.
How do people get through this...

www.basisonline.org.uk/hcp-sofa-sharing/

Get a sling! Life saver in the early days and let’s you get on with your tasks without feeling chained to baby! Baby needs lots of comfort and contact in the early days so it’s perfectly normal for him not to want to be on his own. Honestly it will get easier once you’re in a bit more of a routine with things. Get a jungle gym too if you haven’t already. My baby loved staring up and hers for months so I could quickly get on with a few jobs while he was entertained. Also some sort of baby seat / bouncer that is easily transportable in your house so you can pop baby somewhere safe in whatever room your room and he may be comforted to just know
your are near. Just try to enjoy your time together 😊

I second the advice here about co-sleeping on the sofa being dangerous. Not judging at all as I remember that sheer exhaustion very well (currently pregnant with number 2 so about to do it again), but please read and implement the Lullaby Trust guidance to minimise risk to the baby.

2 weeks in, is really nothing. At this point pyjamas all day is totally acceptable! Honestly, just lower your standards completely for a month or so - let DH do the housework when he gets home. Just concentrate on feeding and sleeping for now.

Thank you for the co sleep advice without judgement. I appreciate its not ideal but perhaps was naive to the seriousness of it and was done just to get rest. I take the advice on board and will persevere with the crib tonight to avoid any further risk.
Just another thing to add to the anxiety list.

Make your other half sleep downstairs. Even sleep on the floor if need be, it's safer than the sofa. Check out the safe sleep 7 for co sleeping. It'll be one more load off you to sleep safely. No blow up or foam mattresses.

And to be frank, babies can lay on the bathroom floor, or stay in a wrap or sling, or in arms, while you use the toilet. I have an audience of one 7 month old and sometimes the 3 year old, you get used to it! Helps with toilet training reluctant children too ;)

Just to advise, the OH is amazing. He cooks, cleans, sterilises and makes all bottles aswell as nappy changes and getting baby to sleep etc. It was my choice to swap sleeping areas, he wasn't happy about it. We both had the lack of knowledge regarding the sofa co sleeping situation. I do the night shift due to him starting back at work and having to drive all day, again this was my decision knowing I would need to be doing it at this point of paternity ending. He already plans to take baby off me when he gets home each day etc.

You need the bed. Your husband can sleep on the sofa (mine did!). It is dangerous to co-sleep on a sofa and you have recently given birth so need a comfy bed.

My first baby was hard work (second was way easier, just different personality). I used to shower and eat breakfast before my husband went to work then eat quick to make food that could be eaten with one hand like cheese on toast or a microwave meal. If you need 5 minutes to go to the toilet or make a cup of tea then put the baby somewhere safe and let them cry for a bit. Have you tried a baby swing (constant supervision required - not for unsupervised naps) - mine would go in that for 20 minutes. I tried the sling in the house but she only liked it for walks outside. I watched feel good TV boxsets like The Gilmore Girls. Getting out to baby groups or coffee with other mums helped from about six weeks even though she was often the fussiest baby there! I would often get her to sleep in the car then get a drive-thru for lunch. She turned into an easy toddler and a fairly well behaved and very clever child. I dreaded having a second baby and left it ages but my second was totally different and could be put down in a crib or on a play mat and just happily kick about for ages.

Congratulations. That's great advice from pp about having a shower before your other half leaves for work. You just muddle through the day, eat simple meals, get out for walks and some fresh air no matter how tired you feel if baby is awake. Let the housework slide a bit. Good luck

You’ll be absolutely fine. It’s quite empowering when you find you can.

but please don’t co-sleep. The SIDS risk is much higher. I know people seem to like it on here, but that doesn’t make it safe.

babies can be put down and complain for a bit too. If you need to go to the loo or want a coffee or a shower. It’s not going to damage them to be put down for a few minutes,

For loo breaks if your baby is in a moses basket then just take the basket with you. That's what I did and I'd just put it down in the hallway in sight. That made me feel less panicky. You will get there day by day xx

I also chose the sofa as well but had my baby in a Moses basket on a stand right next to the sofa.

There’s no judgement; especially when you’re a first time mum and exhausted you do whatever you have to and it’s not as if it’s obvious why you shouldn’t.

My daughter was prem and low birth weight so we couldn’t cosleep with her at first; we only started doing so about 2/3 months ago and she’s 20 months now.

Cosleeping can be safe if all guidance is followed so definitely look at the lullaby trust and I really do recommend reading about the fourth trimester as it makes it easier to understand your baby’s behaviour 😊

No OH who is amazing would let you sleep on a fucking settee. If the sofa is that amazing then he can have it.

It's fine to pop a baby somewhere safe if you need to do something. Crying or not and sleep when baby sleeps is something to take advantage of if it's your first. Your bloke can do the housework and feed you properly when he gets home.

You've had some great advice on here and I just wanted to echo some of it and to say I understand, as I was utterly terrified about DH going back to work too
Remember the most important thing is to keep you and Baby fed and rested as much as you can - everything else can wait. Baby can wait whilst you eat something or go to the toilet. My SIL gave me some fab advice which was to do any chores whilst Baby is awake, so any nap times you can rest too. Try a sling, try and get some fresh air every day. There will be wobbly moments but you will overcome the anxiety as the days pass and you have got through them, you can do this. 2 weeks is so tiny, IME a lot of babies settle down a bit around the 6/8 week mark (as in you can put them down on a play mat or a swing without them howling) and things get better. Good luck.

Oh, and I should say "any chores" means the minimum possible! Like making yourself a sandwich, not cleaning the house from top to bottom! X

Thank you for all the kind words, we actually managed to use the next to me crib for overnight, baby kept manoeuvring to on his side but we slept. Need to work on how to keep him on his back now, any tips for that are more than welcome. I have the blanket tucked in under his arms pretty tight but he manages to turn to his side. Swaddling is a no no. He hadn't pooped for 48 hrs so may have been side sleeping due to that perhaps (did have a bowel movement finally by the time he got up this morning).

You need to change your expectations. It's normal for a newborn to want to be held 24/7. He's used to being tight in the womb. It's all he's known. It's not natural to be left 'loose'.

You need a sling to carry him about.

Showering: do it when DP is there.

Cooking: either DP does it and leaves things out for you to just heat up or do it when you're both there.

It's normal not to have any time to do anything other than babycare for the first 6 weeks minimum, often 3 months.

Re the moving onto the side, this happened to us with the next to me crib! Turns out we had build it wrong and the sort of “leg” parts were facing the wrong way creating a slight slant! So would double check that

get a sleeping bag. Takes all the stress of blankets / swaddling away. I used the ergo cocoon pouch for my baby (baby has to be a certain weight to use it at first) but she loved it. Was exactly like being swaddled but no stress for so try doing it and she slept super snuggly. You can probably get other cheaper ones too as this one was more pricey but I loved them.

some babies I think just lie on their side. Just keep putting him down on his back when you pop him in the cot.

I'm a single mum to a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 month old honestly you do cope and you will probably find that you have to leave him to wee and he will cry but he will get used to being put down and it will end up easier

You can co sleep in the bed, you don’t have to persevere with the crib. Just not the sofa. The sleepyhead saved my sanity actually, having baby in the bed in their own pod.

you don’t do much those first days, I remember how terrified I was of dp going back to work, and same again with my 2nd. I just held and fed and changed baby all day, pretty much nothing else.

@deeperthanallroses Sleepyheads and other nests are very, very dangerous and huge SIDS risks too.

They should not be used for any type of sleep, supervised or otherwise.

My daughter also refused to sleep on her back and also had some restricted mobility in her arms - I think because she had shoulder dystocia when she was born. I took her to an osteopath at about 8 weeks and from that night on she slept on her back!