Active 9 month old coming across as bully

[SpikeyPorcupine]

Hi, I just wanted a little advice if anyone has any experience of this.

My little girl is nearly 9 months but she is quite petite for her age. She is a confident crawler and cruiser having been doing both since 5 months old and she's starting to walk with her push along walker. I'm finding with other children her age and older that aren't quite as confident or not moving yet she comes across as forceful as she'll go over to them and want to see what they are doing, or if they have a toy she'll want to play with it, she won't grab it out their hands but will get up close and personal with the other child. Sometimes she will try and use the other child to get herself to standing. She does this with even older children too, and it make other children not want to be around her. I obviously stop her taking the other children's toys and talk to her about it either being their toy (I always have a mix of her toys when we are out that I rotate so its not boring for her and give her one of her own when she is interested in the other children's), or explain if its a class toy that we need to wait until the other child is finished, but she always wants what the other child has and hasn't got an understanding of what I am saying to her yet. I had a friend make a comment about having to put their daughter's toy away as their child was playing with it and my daughter wanted to look at it too and it made me feel really bad and that my daughter was spoiling her child's fun.

I obviously also stop her trying to use other children to stand/climb on before it happens, and I just am always picking her up and trying to re-divert her attention all the time.

I feel like whenever we go out to any classes or socialise I'm constantly worried and I live in fear that she is going to (accidentally) hurt another child or even an adult as she can sometimes pinch and has hurt me on occasion (mainly around the chest when she is breastfeeding). And today another child fell over at the park and was crying and she started laughing which made me feel so bad although the child was a little way from us so I don't think they heard my daughter laughing at their pain. I'm worried people are going to think she is some bully, ham-handed, naughty child, when really she is a very sweet little girl that is often just wanting to socialise and explore.

Is there any way that I can teach her to be more gentle? We have two cats that she loves and we practice gentle hands with them, and with her soft toys, I take her out to the park/soft play regularly to allow her to get her energy out and let her crawl and cruise about at home.

Also I never claimed she was some sort of wonder baby for crawling.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "no", but we all do things differently. I do try to give an explanation as well, eg "no, that's messy", "no, ouchy", etc, but I do forget a lot of the time tbh!
Anyway, just ignore some of the responses you've had on here, some people are just being rude for the sake of it.

We all have different parenting styles but I wonder if the other mums are sort of rolling their eyes and want you to actually intervene rather than giving long explanations to your daughter as to why she can't do whatever it is she's doing.

I absolutely do intervene and explained that in my original post, I remove my daughter from the situation and explain it to her, not in some performative way to make out I/my daughter are so enlightened or advanced anything along those lines.

Ignore the snippy posts OP. It was perfectly clear what you were saying. I also chose to tell my DC properly what/why/when before they could fully comprehend what I meant.
Apart from anything else it’s good for their language development. I’d just carry on as you are if you get the feeling other parents are judging you, I’d give them a wide birth or totally ignore the comments!

I'm sorry OP but this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read on here. SHES A BABY!

She sounds like a very spirited baby!

My 6mo is similar, always on the move and I've had to stop him from rolling onto other babies several times recently 🙈 I don't think there's anything malicious to it!

As you've said yourself you just need to keep a very close eye on her when she's with other children and intervene quickly if you need to, she is as everyone's already said a 9 month old baby and could not possibly be a bully, it's great that she is curious and inquisitive, I think I'd maybe limit the amount of time spent with other children if it's causing you stress.

Bless you OP, you sound very sincere. As others have said, she’s a baby with absolutely no idea of what is considered socially acceptable or not. Stick to removing her from situations +/- an explanation if you think it stands you in good stead for the future. Most of all, I just really wouldn’t worry about it or over think it too much - I bet people aren’t judging you or her even remotely as much as your anxiety is having you believe. I’m sure I used to gawp at crawling 9 month olds - DS was such a potato it seemed totally alien and I was probably a bit blown away by it as opposed to anything sinister!

I understand what you are afraid of op. My 8 month old is also almost walking. But even though his motor skills are advanced his cognitive and social skills are like any other normal 8 month old. But often I feel people forget he is still so very young and treat him more like a small 12 month old than an 8 month old.

To be honest I'm always right next to him when he is playing with other kids around. Im always worried he will be too rough with babies his age group and older kids too rough with him because he doesn't understand their cues. And I think this will remain until more babies of his age group catch up with him.

You and I have the opposite views on the word no though. I'm of the opinion that no is the first word I want him to understand, especially if he is walking (and running) soon. Keep it simple. It's hard enough to learn language. Then once he has the concept of no you can start building around that and explain why but at least he understands that she doesn't want me to do what im doing. We have no objection around the house, things he can't grab, furniture he is not allowed to pull himself up on. Whenever he reaches for it we take him or the object away and say no. Not in a stern or angry way, just a plain no and we get him to do something else. Sometimes I say more than just the no but always after the no "no, the remote is not a toy", "no, flowers are not for eating", so at least no is the first thing he hears.

My son also does the pinching you mentioned when breastfeeding. So whenever he does this I move his hand and say no, or take him off the breast and say no.

Being with them at arms length when with other children and trying to teaching them the concept of no is really the only thing you can do at this point. Then it's just waiting for the other kids to catch up and all the other parents will be in the same boat. It's only a few more months before they are all running around.

Then it's just waiting for the other kids to catch up and all the other parents will be in the same boat. It's only a few more months before they are all running around.

this!

What you've described doing when she does something that might hurt or upset another child is absolutely fine.

I've always explained stuff even when they are obviously too young to understand too. It's not for their benefit, it's good practice for later. You can explain something and take preventative action, it's not a mutually exclusive action!

If the other babies are all younger that's likely all it is. I think you're overthinking their reactions. Possibly relating to anxiety. I doubt they're thinking anything about your child or your parenting. It's just them being aware of their smaller, more vulnerable child around your bigger one that presents a bit of a hazard to them in their current stages.

If you've been going to baby orientated groups you might want to move to toddler groups instead, and maybe keep the majority of meet ups with these families to things where you have the babies in the pushchair until they are a bit more robust. It can be exhausting to constantly pull a mobile baby away from one that's in the stage where they are lying and rolling on the floor.

Oh my lord are you for real? I do worry for your child if you’re already labelling her a bully for what is NORMAL behaviour

she is 9 months old. Cant even control her bladder but you think she’s purposely choosing to behave in a way to bully others? 🙄

all of our behaviour is learned and socially constructed. Your daughter hasn’t learned this yet and so what she’s doing is normal.

People are just piling on now who haven't read your updates and you're also getting some nasty responses from people who just like to take any opportunity to kick someone. Ignore them.

There's nothing wrong with talking to your baby and not using "baby talk". It's very normal despite some snippy PPs who are twisting your words and wilfully misunderstanding you. I know what you mean. I did this with all of mine and it's not a case of expecting the baby to understand what you're saying. I used to chat away to all of mine when they were babies in their prams and pushchairs. I talked to them all the time. As long as you're also making sure that you stop your baby from pinching or grabbing other babies by keeping a close eye and intervening before they get their hands on someone that's fine. And as they get older, you also need to correct behaviour in a way that they understand. But talking to your baby is certainly not something that a sensible person would roll their eyes at as someone upthread suggested.

@SpikeyPorcupine
You don't have to shout No. The word No doesn't necessarily have to be spoken harshly.

You can say in a gentle voice, "No-no, no snatching", while gently removing your baby from the scene of conflict.

As she grows older this approach will work fine too along with the reminder to take turns.

It's a lot easier for a baby and a toddler to understand a simple No-no than sort out the nuances you are incorporating into your approach. Babies' and toddlers' brains are not wired to cope with that

I fear that as a result of your 'positive parenting' approach, which emphasises the feelings of the baby/toddler and child as opposed to their bahaviour and its impact on others, you may well be coming across as performative in your mum and baby group.

Your baby (and future toddler) need clarity and a simple understanding of what is OK in any given situation. It may seem to you that what they actually want is all the toys or all the cake, or whatever. But deep down what they want from you is clarity. It gives them a sense of security that is not offered by the explanation and assurance you are currently giving.

You really need to stop fearing the word No. It comes with the message to the baby that you are in charge, not her. This is very soothing to a baby and toddler, and even the predictable protests against your No should assure you that you're doing well because you're providing a firm surface for them to kick against. If you don't come across as firm (and cheerful, confident, and loving) they have nothing to butt heads with, a situation that is very frightening for the very young.