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Original poster

Active 9 month old coming across as bully

66 replies

SpikeyPorcupine · 09/09/2022 17:47

Hi, I just wanted a little advice if anyone has any experience of this.

My little girl is nearly 9 months but she is quite petite for her age. She is a confident crawler and cruiser having been doing both since 5 months old and she's starting to walk with her push along walker. I'm finding with other children her age and older that aren't quite as confident or not moving yet she comes across as forceful as she'll go over to them and want to see what they are doing, or if they have a toy she'll want to play with it, she won't grab it out their hands but will get up close and personal with the other child. Sometimes she will try and use the other child to get herself to standing. She does this with even older children too, and it make other children not want to be around her. I obviously stop her taking the other children's toys and talk to her about it either being their toy (I always have a mix of her toys when we are out that I rotate so its not boring for her and give her one of her own when she is interested in the other children's), or explain if its a class toy that we need to wait until the other child is finished, but she always wants what the other child has and hasn't got an understanding of what I am saying to her yet. I had a friend make a comment about having to put their daughter's toy away as their child was playing with it and my daughter wanted to look at it too and it made me feel really bad and that my daughter was spoiling her child's fun.

I obviously also stop her trying to use other children to stand/climb on before it happens, and I just am always picking her up and trying to re-divert her attention all the time.

I feel like whenever we go out to any classes or socialise I'm constantly worried and I live in fear that she is going to (accidentally) hurt another child or even an adult as she can sometimes pinch and has hurt me on occasion (mainly around the chest when she is breastfeeding). And today another child fell over at the park and was crying and she started laughing which made me feel so bad although the child was a little way from us so I don't think they heard my daughter laughing at their pain. I'm worried people are going to think she is some bully, ham-handed, naughty child, when really she is a very sweet little girl that is often just wanting to socialise and explore.

Is there any way that I can teach her to be more gentle? We have two cats that she loves and we practice gentle hands with them, and with her soft toys, I take her out to the park/soft play regularly to allow her to get her energy out and let her crawl and cruise about at home.

OP posts:

Derbee · 09/09/2022 19:31

This is insane. She’s a BABY. She was not laughing at someone’s pain when they fell over FFS. I suggest you educate yourself on child development before you erode your daughters confidence by labelling her a bully.

Honestly, some of the things you read on here are shocking

Lavendersummer · 09/09/2022 19:34

Thesearmsofmine · 09/09/2022 17:54

My best advice would be to read up on child development*

Urghh no idea what happened in my previous post

Exactly what @Thesearmsofmine is saying. She is a baby. No impulse control. No understanding of the little chats you are giving. She may understand no. Some babies do but she will
lack the impulse control.
if you find these groups stressful don’t go. Meet baby Friends for a coffee instead. At this age she only needs her parents

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 09/09/2022 19:36

Anything she's doing will not be done with malice. Don't worry.

FantasylandEnthusiast · 09/09/2022 19:39

She's 9 months old for Christ's sake!

TheWayTheLightFalls · 09/09/2022 19:46

What everyone else said. I’d add, if she wants to wander / climb / explore etc, choose environments or activities that support that, rather than ones where you’re constantly having to intervene.

Waterfallgirl · 09/09/2022 19:54

If you are really worried op then read advice above. She is a baby that’s what they do.

You are completely over analysing everything, and to be honest if you continue this ‘anxious’ type questioning will start to project into your child and then when they pick up on this other behaviours might creep in too - babies and children take those cues from us. And 9 month old babies don’t laugh at or mock others - more likely the other child was upset and she knew it was an extreme emotion but wasn’t sure how to deal with it. All normal. Have you ever met an adult who laughs when they are embarrassed or hear bad news? - emotions are not regulated all the time in anyone let alone a baby.

Then … they become toddlers and they start a whole lots of other ( to us ) strange and awkward behaviours (all completely normal).

This goes on until the child is about 18 ( or longer!) - each phase is about brain development and generally finding out about the world.
Please try to see that your experiences and perspective and how the world is through your DD eyes is not the same as yours.

OperaStation · 09/09/2022 20:09

She’s fine. You’re massively over thinking this.

BertieBotts · 09/09/2022 20:12

She's just being a normal 9mo, it's not that she doesn't care about the other children, she literally doesn't recognise that they are people or that she might hurt them. She just doesn't understand that yet because she is very little. She is exploring them like she explores all other objects in the world. When she sees a toy, her only focus is the toy. It wouldn't occur to her that she is taking it from another baby because she doesn't even really know that other people exist yet.

She is exercising perfectly normal curiosity. Don't worry; just move her or distract her if she's too close to another baby and might hurt them with her explorations, or if they are a bit more robust, let her have a go but hover and be ready to block hands or model "Gentle" for example if she is hitting or scratching. They don't do these things to be cruel; they are just experimenting.

I took my 12mo to a playgroup today and there were other 1yos there up to about 18 months, it was funny because two of them wanted to play with a toy oven by opening and closing the door, and when both of them wanted to move the door in the opposite direction, they got completely frustrated with the door, wondering why it wasn't moving, they didn't even consider the other child's hand on the other side of it.

It's all learning experience, they slowly start to realise that this object (the other baby/toddler) is able to move and react to things and they start to test, eventually they understand that it's another person and might help or hurt them depending on how they act - then the fun really starts as you have to step in and help them navigate that!

I don't think you need to feel bad about the book, your friend was just being pragmatic, assuming her child is older, she probably perfectly remembers that 9mo are not capable of being gentle with a book, it's not that there's something wrong with your baby, it's just not an age appropriate expectation.

She will probably hurt other people/babies/children by accident as she learns things. You can just redirect her or take her away and practice gentle hands as you have been doing. It doesn't mean that she is a bully or will grow up to be a bully. As she gets older and develops language you can talk to her and teach her about feelings and checking in with other children to see if they are OK, and that will help teach her to be a gentle compassionate person.

MissMaple82 · 09/09/2022 20:14

Shes 9 months!!!!

StressfulBedtimes · 09/09/2022 20:14

What the ever living fuck?!
She is 9 months old!!!

cestlavielife · 09/09/2022 20:18

She is nine months
You csnnot have a deep talk with her
Think of her as a puppy
Remove her from situations
Praise by attdntion smiles when she gets it right
Kerp it simple

Vapeyvapevape · 09/09/2022 20:19

You are expecting waaaaaaaay too much from a 9 month old , who has no concept of being polite or gentle or anything really.
You must realise this surely?

MikeWozniaksMoustache · 09/09/2022 20:19

She’s a baby op. She doesn’t know where her elbow is never mind that it isn’t good social boundaries to climb on someone else. My 1 year old will use anything and anyone to stand herself up, every man for themselves.

mathanxiety · 09/09/2022 20:35

All of the opinions and analysis of your baby's behaviour that you posted are so wrong it's bizarre and puzzling.

It's as if you know absolutely nothing about normal child development.

Twawmyarse · 09/09/2022 20:38

A 9mo is not a bully!

A 9mo cannot understand what you are saying to her!

I think you are letting another mums comments and your anxiety over wanting to have a "good, well behaved" baby massively impact your thinking over this.

In the kindest possible way: you are being ridiculous!

Original poster

SpikeyPorcupine · 09/09/2022 20:41

Thanks for the replies. Just to clarify as I don't think my post didn't came across correctly, I do not think she is a bully or naughty or anything along those lines, but am worried that others are thinking it from reactions I've had in relation to her. It's the comments about how I've got my hands full with her being so active early on and so on. I know worries are completely different to what someone is actually thinking and I shouldn't give it so much importance.

I absolutely know that she is still so young and that it is normal behaviour as she is exploring the world and her new found independence. I guess what I'm finding hard is a lot of friends I have made since having a baby have not got to this stage yet with their little ones so in comparison (which I know is the thief of joy) she seems so boisterous. I also know she is too little to understand when I explain things to her, but it is my personal parenting style to talk to her properly and not in baby language or by just saying no, as she will start learn things and just saying no to me doesn't feel right at all.

I do have anxiety and am working really hard to let this have an impact upon her. I was often labelled as the 'naughty' one when growing up when I was not trying to be at all, and I guess I am frightened of others doing the same to her.

OP posts:

Teddyandsuzie · 09/09/2022 20:42

I think possibly the mother’s comment might have been a gentle hint to you to intervene before your baby takes the toy off her baby?
Your baby sounds wonderfully curious but also that she’s at the stage where you need to develop eyes in the back of your head!
Enjoy your lovely little girl.

BeanieTeen · 09/09/2022 21:05

I also know she is too little to understand when I explain things to her, but it is my personal parenting style to talk to her properly and not in baby language or by just saying no, as she will start learn things and just saying no to me doesn't feel right at all.

Right… well good luck with that. I think the best you can do now then is bow out gracefully from this friendship group of yours before you get awkwardly ghosted. Because that’s where your heading with this. Sounds like they’ve already picked up on your ‘parenting style’ and they can’t be arsed with it. Their comments aren’t aimed at your child, as above it’s a hint for you to do some real parenting and you’re not picking up on it. Maybe find some more like minded people to hang out with? Your kids can happily snatch from each other, climb all over each other, poke each other in the eyes or pull each other’s hair out, while you all politely avoid the word ‘no’ and make long eloquent speeches about the merits of being considerate while your screaming kids completely ignore you.

TheOceanClub · 09/09/2022 21:11

9 month old baby a bully?
Well you learn something new every day 🤷‍♀️

LIZS · 09/09/2022 21:12

You are reading way too much into this. She will just grab whatever is to hand, not deliberately.

Original poster

SpikeyPorcupine · 09/09/2022 21:13

@BeanieTeen sorry but I didn't say in my post that I wouldn't ever use the word no, I just said I wouldn't just shout no and say nothing else as I personally do not think this is effective, she's not a dog, even then I wouldn't shout no at a dog either. Perhaps if it was some sort of life/death situation like running into the road, but from my own life experience just being told no and no reason why isn't effective.

OP posts:

Skinnermarink · 09/09/2022 21:21

SpikeyPorcupine · 09/09/2022 21:13

Oh it is…. When they’re too little to comprehend reasoning, a ‘no’ is just fine. And even when they can, sometimes that’s fine too.

urbanbuddha · 09/09/2022 21:23

'Your Baby and Child' by Penelope Leach covers child develpment up to age 5. Have a read. I think you'll find it helpful.

Tigerstripes1 · 09/09/2022 21:31

Hilarious. She isn't some kind of wonder baby coz shes an early crawler. And babies don't understand the waffley sentences, there is no point using them. Short and sharp is what works when trying to distract.

Original poster

SpikeyPorcupine · 09/09/2022 21:42

Honestly thank you to the kind and considerate comments I appreciate the time that has been taken to type up some of these really caring responses.

Luckily I'm not here however to be picked apart by how I choose to speak to my daughter and feel treating her with respect is something super important to me. This does not mean that I allow her to do whatever she please or spend time reciting a paragraph on why she shouldn't do something. I might just say something like 'Robbie is playing with that toy right now. It does look fun. When he is done with it maybe you can have a go playing with it' or something along those lines.

OP posts:

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