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Original poster

Husband doesn’t agree with me always thinks I’m angry

44 replies

Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 19:25

I’m at the end of my tether I really am. I’ve never posted before but I need some advice. For as long as I can remember my husband has been getting ‘fed up’ with and making it blatantly obvious he doesn’t agree with my parenting. I work all day I also work evenings I have 3 kids who I drop off at school and pick up every day as well as look after all our pets in between. I cook, I clean, I do everything I can possibly think of to make everyone’s lives that bit easier - apart from my own! I do everything for everyone. School stuff, food stuff, house stuff, bills you name it I do it! Even bloody recycle! My husband DOES help out not as much as me but he also works long hours and he’s at home in the evening with kids. Now I know us women can moan but I like to think it’s never not for a reason! Not in my case anyway - also I thought! Apparently my parenting isn’t going down well with my husband he thinks I have the ‘ hump’ when I don’t… then he goes quiet/ argumentative and starts undermining my parenting. I explain I havent got the ‘ hump’ I’m just trying to parent… ie- kids being difficult at dinner time. God forbid they’d find a piece of onion in their spaghetti bolognaise. One day it’s their fave next day it’s like I just handed them a plate of sick! I get frustrated because I work all the hours god sends, cook,clean, food shop, wash up etc and these meals are all made from scratch in MY time so I expect them to at least TRY and eat it rather than mess about up the dinner table before I have to go back out to work SO I ignore it as long as I can, then I give warnings and explain to them what the punishment will be if they don’t get on with it and literally the whole time my husband is sat there with face ache getting more and more wound up but not saying anything (that’s what he does) not until after anyway when I’m about to go to work and says how I’m apparently ‘always angry’ he ‘dreads dinner time’ etc I explain to him I’m not angry? I’m just parenting… and he always sings from the same hymn sheet of ‘ they know the rules you need to just ignore them and get on with your dinner, the atmospheres rubbish’ I’m like I do ignore it to a point but there comes a time where they need reminding because they’re taking full advantage! But he doesn’t agree and we have this shitty weird butting of heads that then it makes US argue even when the kids have long forgotten all about it! I’m sick of it! He teminds me all the time hes been at work all day and don’t need this when he gets home… erm? Need what? Cos I really enjoy being a nag ? I wish I worked in one place where I got two peaceful breaks! I’m lucky if I get time to eat in the daytime! Please tell me What do I do about this? I love him but it’s seriously winding me up. Talking to him about it doesn’t seem to get me anywhere….

OP posts:
TooMinty · 07/09/2022 19:30

You need to split all the household chores so you aren't doing everything. Make him cook dinner and see how he likes it when the kids screw up their faces at something he spent ages making...
How old are the kids, they could be taking responsibility for some stuff too?
I can't tell if you are grumpy or not but you'd have a right to be and the way to fix it is to get everyone to pull their weight!

Shortpoet · 07/09/2022 19:31

I’d hand mealtimes over to your husband for a week.

“Darling, I’m clearly not doing it right so you are in charge of it all for a week. Show me how it is done properly. That includes planning, shopping, cooking. I’ll give you a hand with the washing up if it’s all done by the time I leave for my second job, otherwise I’m sure the kids will help you. Good luck”.

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 19:37

It sounds like the chores should be better divided but I do agree with your husband that not every meal needs to be a battle. If you work different shifts then it doesn't sound like you have much family time. Nothing wrong with just letting the kids eat what they eat and spend the meal talking and having enjoyable family time. I personally don't think I would enjoy dinner either if every time I sat down, I knew it would be an hour of my husband arguing with eh kdis over the food and eating.

When do you have time as a family that is relaxed and fun and enjoyable and you and your husband are both positive?

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2020nymph · 07/09/2022 19:48

Shortpoet · 07/09/2022 19:31

I’d hand mealtimes over to your husband for a week.

“Darling, I’m clearly not doing it right so you are in charge of it all for a week. Show me how it is done properly. That includes planning, shopping, cooking. I’ll give you a hand with the washing up if it’s all done by the time I leave for my second job, otherwise I’m sure the kids will help you. Good luck”.

Excellent plan!

Original poster
Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 19:49

TooMinty · 07/09/2022 19:30

You need to split all the household chores so you aren't doing everything. Make him cook dinner and see how he likes it when the kids screw up their faces at something he spent ages making...
How old are the kids, they could be taking responsibility for some stuff too?
I can't tell if you are grumpy or not but you'd have a right to be and the way to fix it is to get everyone to pull their weight!

Ild love it if he cooked for once, he’s just not that way inclined sadly 😞 he burns toast…. I always say to him wouldn’t he be deflated if it were the other way around and he’d spent all that time cooking? He says he ‘gets it’ but he’d rather I was oblivious and not moan at them about it but understandably it’s sooo frustrating and I really do try to ignore it initially, I don’t just fly off the handle. Every mealtime I’ve tried different approaches but it gets me no where. I agree I think they all need to help out more kids included they’re 13, 11 and 6 but my eldest is at a very testing age where he’s lazy and argumentative and my youngest ones away with the fairies. Middle one is the most helpful he’s always offering his services bless him

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 19:51

Shortpoet · 07/09/2022 19:31

I’d hand mealtimes over to your husband for a week.

“Darling, I’m clearly not doing it right so you are in charge of it all for a week. Show me how it is done properly. That includes planning, shopping, cooking. I’ll give you a hand with the washing up if it’s all done by the time I leave for my second job, otherwise I’m sure the kids will help you. Good luck”.

I’ll have to give that a try lol. He’ll probably say ‘ you have more time than me’ cos men work real hard don’t they <eye roll >

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/09/2022 19:54

They’re 13, 11 and 6. They can eat the food you provide or not eat it. Don’t nag them. Don’t comment AT ALL. They don’t need punishments for not eating it. They don’t need consequences, other than going hungry. They won’t starve.

Sorry, I’m with your DH on this. Nothing worse than someone making an aggro atmosphere.

New mealtime rules should be that NO ONE (kids or adults) comments on the food or how much anyone is eating.

NoSquirrels · 07/09/2022 19:56

he’d rather I was oblivious and not moan at them about it but understandably it’s sooo frustrating

Your frustration is the problem. Don’t react to them at all. * *Serve food. They eat it or don’t eat it. That’s all.

Original poster
Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 19:57

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 19:37

It sounds like the chores should be better divided but I do agree with your husband that not every meal needs to be a battle. If you work different shifts then it doesn't sound like you have much family time. Nothing wrong with just letting the kids eat what they eat and spend the meal talking and having enjoyable family time. I personally don't think I would enjoy dinner either if every time I sat down, I knew it would be an hour of my husband arguing with eh kdis over the food and eating.

When do you have time as a family that is relaxed and fun and enjoyable and you and your husband are both positive?

Oh totally and I’m not saying he doesn’t help me at all but I deffo do the lions share, I even do extras to help even more than what I already am but I’m literally stretched to my capacity just so he can have some time to unwind even if that means I don’t get to… I do agree with you Ild dread it too but I just feel like I want more of his support on the matter rather than going quiet and going against me with it I guess it’s just not helpful… if he showed his support rather than looking angry and digging at me then maybe the kids would listen better 😞 we do have a full on work week but we have weekends and we have fun/ relax then as a family… but then we don’t always eat together at weekends cos I do the kids something easy and my husband and I have ours later so we get some kind of peace - it can be a bit the same though when we all go out. Kids start bickering in the car etc <facepalm>

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/09/2022 20:01

I just feel like I want more of his support on the matter rather than going quiet and going against me with it I guess it’s just not helpful… if he showed his support rather than looking angry and digging at me then maybe the kids would listen better

But he doesn’t support your approach on this. He thinks it’s the wrong way to approach it.

So you can’t ask him to support something when he feels you’re not right…

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 20:05

It sounds like you have taken on a bit of a martyr / sacrifical lamb approach and you want people to appreciate your efforts. Stop being a martyr. Prioritize your own wellbeing as well and don't expect your kids to extole your cooking.

Original poster
Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 20:05

NoSquirrels · 07/09/2022 19:54

They’re 13, 11 and 6. They can eat the food you provide or not eat it. Don’t nag them. Don’t comment AT ALL. They don’t need punishments for not eating it. They don’t need consequences, other than going hungry. They won’t starve.

Sorry, I’m with your DH on this. Nothing worse than someone making an aggro atmosphere.

New mealtime rules should be that NO ONE (kids or adults) comments on the food or how much anyone is eating.

I appreciate your honesty, I’ve taken your comments on board, I will give it a try.

OP posts:
SausageMonkey2 · 07/09/2022 20:06

Look up weaponised incompetence OP. Your DH can hold down a job but burns toast. Unlikely. He does it so you have to cook. If you left tomorrow he wouldn’t live on sandwiches. Maybe he would. Maybe your kids can eat sandwiches for a while. He’d soon learn to cook.

Shortpoet · 07/09/2022 20:07

he burns toast….

Well it’s burnt toast for dinner for a week.

By the following week the kids will be grateful for anything you cook. If they dare to moan say you’ll put their dad back in charge.

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 20:10

SausageMonkey2 · 07/09/2022 20:06

Look up weaponised incompetence OP. Your DH can hold down a job but burns toast. Unlikely. He does it so you have to cook. If you left tomorrow he wouldn’t live on sandwiches. Maybe he would. Maybe your kids can eat sandwiches for a while. He’d soon learn to cook.

Does this also apply to all the women who say they can't use a drill or change the oil or repair a door or reset a fuse or catch a spider / mouse?

There are always things in every family that fall more to one person or the other where both aren't equally competent - even though if alone they would need to be.

pinkyredrose · 07/09/2022 20:11

Has he always been lazy or has it developed since having kids?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 07/09/2022 20:12

You haven’t explained what it is you’re doing or saying that’s aggravating your husband so much. Are you recognising what the actual problem is when he tries (maybe badly) to tell you how he’s finding mealtimes? Because it sounds like you’re more focused on how much more you do as if that should excuse behaviour that drags other people down.

Hawkins001 · 07/09/2022 20:15

All the best and positivity op, and trial him running dinner times

Shortpoet · 07/09/2022 20:17

In all seriousness, maybe talk as a family “how can we make mealtimes better for us all?” Listen without judgement to what they say.

It could mean as PP says that you serve food and it is either eaten or not, but there’s no snacks after if they didn’t eat.
It might mean that if they haven’t finished by the time you start work they have to do all the clearing up. (And if they don’t, you don’t cook the next day until the kitchen is clean).
Tgey might have done uncomfortable truths for you to hear. But maybe the kids have the answer.

Original poster
Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 20:17

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 20:05

It sounds like you have taken on a bit of a martyr / sacrifical lamb approach and you want people to appreciate your efforts. Stop being a martyr. Prioritize your own wellbeing as well and don't expect your kids to extole your cooking.

I appreciate your comment, I wouldn’t say I’m playing the martyr, I’ve always done everything and I never ask for anything in return, Ild just like my children to eat the meal I made them without making a song and dance about it that’s all. I meet them half way and cook l a lot of things they love or request in hope that when I do cook a ‘ normal’ meal they’d be more inclined to eat it but they just create, i dont want them living off chips and nuggets and would like them to appreciate what they have and be humble/grateful for what they have. I dont expect them to do a ‘ mums the best cook ever dance’ just would like then to try and eat what’s been given to them or at the very least not be rude about it. i like to do things for people, it makes me happy. I would never throw it in someone’s face or expect sympathy because something didn’t go the way I expected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 20:19

Shortpoet · 07/09/2022 20:17

In all seriousness, maybe talk as a family “how can we make mealtimes better for us all?” Listen without judgement to what they say.

It could mean as PP says that you serve food and it is either eaten or not, but there’s no snacks after if they didn’t eat.
It might mean that if they haven’t finished by the time you start work they have to do all the clearing up. (And if they don’t, you don’t cook the next day until the kitchen is clean).
Tgey might have done uncomfortable truths for you to hear. But maybe the kids have the answer.

Thank you I think you’re right, I’m definitely going to give that a go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 20:21

Shortpoet · 07/09/2022 20:07

he burns toast….

Well it’s burnt toast for dinner for a week.

By the following week the kids will be grateful for anything you cook. If they dare to moan say you’ll put their dad back in charge.

Lol! That made me laugh good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 20:21

Hawkins001 · 07/09/2022 20:15

All the best and positivity op, and trial him running dinner times

Thank you lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Nothingbyhalfs · 07/09/2022 20:22

pinkyredrose · 07/09/2022 20:11

Has he always been lazy or has it developed since having kids?

I wouldn’t say he’s lazy he’s just got used to me doing it I guess, he does help sometimes

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/09/2022 20:26

I meet them half way and cook l a lot of things they love or request in hope that when I do cook a ‘ normal’ meal they’d be more inclined to eat it but they just create, i dont want them living off chips and nuggets and would like them to appreciate what they have and be humble/grateful for what they have.

What’s a ‘normal’ meal, out of interest? Do you plate up, or allow them to serve themselves to how much they want of each thing?