Husband doesn’t agree with me always thinks I’m angry

[Nothingbyhalfs]

I’m at the end of my tether I really am. I’ve never posted before but I need some advice. For as long as I can remember my husband has been getting ‘fed up’ with and making it blatantly obvious he doesn’t agree with my parenting. I work all day I also work evenings I have 3 kids who I drop off at school and pick up every day as well as look after all our pets in between. I cook, I clean, I do everything I can possibly think of to make everyone’s lives that bit easier - apart from my own! I do everything for everyone. School stuff, food stuff, house stuff, bills you name it I do it! Even bloody recycle! My husband DOES help out not as much as me but he also works long hours and he’s at home in the evening with kids. Now I know us women can moan but I like to think it’s never not for a reason! Not in my case anyway - also I thought! Apparently my parenting isn’t going down well with my husband he thinks I have the ‘ hump’ when I don’t… then he goes quiet/ argumentative and starts undermining my parenting. I explain I havent got the ‘ hump’ I’m just trying to parent… ie- kids being difficult at dinner time. God forbid they’d find a piece of onion in their spaghetti bolognaise. One day it’s their fave next day it’s like I just handed them a plate of sick! I get frustrated because I work all the hours god sends, cook,clean, food shop, wash up etc and these meals are all made from scratch in MY time so I expect them to at least TRY and eat it rather than mess about up the dinner table before I have to go back out to work SO I ignore it as long as I can, then I give warnings and explain to them what the punishment will be if they don’t get on with it and literally the whole time my husband is sat there with face ache getting more and more wound up but not saying anything (that’s what he does) not until after anyway when I’m about to go to work and says how I’m apparently ‘always angry’ he ‘dreads dinner time’ etc I explain to him I’m not angry? I’m just parenting… and he always sings from the same hymn sheet of ‘ they know the rules you need to just ignore them and get on with your dinner, the atmospheres rubbish’ I’m like I do ignore it to a point but there comes a time where they need reminding because they’re taking full advantage! But he doesn’t agree and we have this shitty weird butting of heads that then it makes US argue even when the kids have long forgotten all about it! I’m sick of it! He teminds me all the time hes been at work all day and don’t need this when he gets home… erm? Need what? Cos I really enjoy being a nag ? I wish I worked in one place where I got two peaceful breaks! I’m lucky if I get time to eat in the daytime! Please tell me What do I do about this? I love him but it’s seriously winding me up. Talking to him about it doesn’t seem to get me anywhere….

i ask him what the matter is and he refuses to comment because I do tread so softly because of past experiences but I only do much as have to say ‘ come on kids eat your dinner or no pudding’ and his face changes. He literally doesn’t want me to comment at all… I’m not focused on how much I do I was just giving some background to my frustrations that when you are the person who does all these things and they can’t do much as eat a meal and it just bothers me a little I guess , Ild love if someone cooked for me. they don’t know they’re born

So a child’s choice would be something fun like tacos where I lay it all out etc or they can have their pizza or whatever but what I mean by ‘ normal’ lol is like a spag Bol, stew and dumplings, shepherds pie you know like family meals I guess

God there is nothing worse than someone nagging you to eat. Just leave your kids alone at mealtime!

It sounds like DH tries hard to 'bite his tongue' when the atmosphere turns toxic.
We had to give up on family meals for a month or so, when my DH got obsessed about food being left and it made it such a horrible experience. After a break and a chat in neutral terms we were able to resume normally.
If DH can only produce toast, now is the time for him to expand his repertoire . One night a week he can work on chilli or toad in the hole- he might enjoy it!

So let him present a burned or half raw dinner to the kids every day for a week.

Let him deal with the moaning and the faces. Let him ransack the cupboards after the uneaten dinners go in the bin, trying to find something else the kids will eat.

Let him add up the cost of chicken nuggets and whatever other crap he serves instead of wholesome food made from scratch.

With all due respect I do not ‘nag’ I prompt them. There’s a difference. I’m not an ogre. When food and energy prices are what they are at the moment and we’re both working hard to provide those things for them it’s criminal to just throw out good food purely because they ‘ didn’t want to eat it’ only to hear them later telling me they’re ‘hungry’ which then makes me feel like a bad parent. So when I leave them be and they waste it and don’t get a pudding/snacks I’m then feeling guilty because they’re hungry. When they don’t eat and I let them have snacks I’m not teaching them right. When I ‘nag’ them I’m to ‘leave them alone’ it’s and endless cycle. Tell me What do you suggest?

I’m just so fed up with it. Im going to suggest he cooks and probably just watch the colour drain from his face…

Forgive me for sounding nosey but What did you chat about neutrally to move forward? Did anything change?

You sound angry when you write, tbh.

It's the lack of paragraphs.

I would assign the DC a night to cook each and DH clean up, then leave them to it.
You will be surprised at the meals you get initially (stipulate no freezer food), but given time things improve.
Suggest starting off with baked potatoes and toppings for the youngest, frittata or pasta bake or similar for older DC, with salad or veg.
They will need time and supervision at the start but will progress quickly once shown.
As a bonus, it teaches weights, measures and healthy portion sizes along with what makes a balanced meal.
good luck

I can see both sides. If your DH don't like your approach he can bloody well take over dinner times. Not being able to cook is not an excuse. How would they survive if you're not around?

But I agree with DH that children should not be disciplined just because they don't eat. However they need to be made aware you won't be making anything else and no snacks. Also you say he's sitting there stewing in silence during dinner time. However it's better that he doesn't undermine you in front of the children at dinner time and waits until after in private to discuss.

Paragraphs never were a strength of mine.

I can assure you I’m not angry.

Is that better? lol

I agree on the atmosphere so please try and put your resentment aside to take that bit on board. That said, it would absolutely be burnt toast for a week in our house. Tell your dh he’s right and you’re going to try and reset and he needs to do dinner all next week while you think.

I don't understand why you're doing everything for everyone whilst also working more hours than your DH? Are you working two jobs atm?

If you write a list of household tasks and write next to them who does what, does it reflect on the amount of time you and your DH actually have to do those tasks?

Yes I’m working two jobs because I try and work around my children. So I have a day job within school hours and an evening job when I know my husband can have them then I sort childcare for holidays etc or take some leave. I don’t have a lot of free time that’s the thing but what little time I do have I use it to cook and get stuff done at home/ errands etc that’s why it’s like a kick in the teeth I guess cos I could have used that time elsewhere…

I was a picky eater as a child and didn’t have a huge appetite. My mum always served up large homemade meals and it was a constant battle between us over my eating. If I didn’t clear my plate there was nothing later, not even bread and I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until it was all gone.

I started hiding food in a houseplant as I’d be left alone, as I got a bit older (teens) I developed an eating disorder and that stayed with me for years. As a parent I am very conscious of not giving my own child a food complex. She is very like I was as a child and prefers bland food. As she is getting older she is becoming more adventurous but I never put pressure on her to eat something if she doesn’t like it after having a try. It has led to a rather boring rotation of the same meals but I’m not wasting time, energy or cost of making food to throw in the bin!

Ti be honest I hide a lot of veg in meals like spag Bol and cottage pie by blitzing them in the food processor. Sometimes it’s the texture but the taste that is the issue. My advice would be to stop making mealtimes a battle or making them feel guilty because you have put time into making something they won’t eat. They aren’t babies, they know you work very hard and combining guilt and food is weaponising mealtimes that may have a longer term effect on them.

Texture not the taste that should say! Oh and I always get my daughter to help serving up and that way she can decide how much she wants of something. If she doesn’t eat much then she can have fruit later but not crisps/chocolate etc.

I am with your DH on this one in terms of why are you making mealtimes a battle - they aren’t babies, if they eat it great, if they sit and pick at it, leave it - its nice to sit together and enjoy the time!

However I do think if he helped more you would feel a little less stressed - that includes him doing an easy dinner a few times a week! Also your oldest 2 need to step up and your husband needs to help you with that - they should be doing chores!

Sounds like an awful environment , meal times should be a nice opportunity for families to talk about their day together, not a battle ground. If the kids don’t want to eat the food just leave them and enjoy the meal yourselves. The kids can always reheat theirs later when they complain they are hungry .