Post colic- does anyone else feel this way?

[Eirlys1986]

Posting to see if others have similar experiences and also any advice as to how best I can move forwards. Had my first baby last October and sadly he had colic for a good 4 months which took till about 6 months to really start to improve. Myself and my partner spent a long time trying to reason that it couldn’t possibly be colic(I think because we didn’t want it to be something so horrid and we wanted it to go away quickly). We were basically being screamed at throughout the day and night, I have horrible memories of being unable to sit down to watch tv or relax at night as I had to be standing up swaying with him strapped to me or marching up and down hallways at home at 4am with him screaming. Every night felt like a war, screaming and he trying desperately to get him to sleep often till 1-2am in the morning, he would then only sleep 2 hours at a time on a good day. We’ve only recently “sleep trained” with good results and were sometimes getting blissful 11 hour nights of sleep from him but even a “bad” night included 5-7 hours straight which is great in my books as he’s now 10.5 months.
He got a cold a couple of days ago and has consequently been waking very frequently screaming and needing boobing back to sleep. I of course know he needs that comfort and it isn’t his fault but I find myself becoming tearful and frustrated/angry. My partner remarked the other night I am “quick to despair” whenever his sleep doesn’t go to plan. I am starting to feel that I’ve almost got a mild form of PTSD as a result of the colic. I also feel I don’t trust my parental instincts as a result of it a lot of the time. I also feel awful because I am often quick to assume there’s nothing wrong with him when he’s ill or teething and that he’s “just being colicky” again.
if anyone has experienced similar they could share or if they have any tips on how they handled things moving forwards post colic k would massively appreciate it :)

Ps should’ve mentioned I am hoping to try for baby number two earlier next year (I am older so have to go for that shorter gap) and again want to try to increase my overall parenting confidence and learn to relax more post colic experience. I am so fearful of having another baby with colic again, although me and partner have discussed that if it did happen again we would know what to expect and know there would be an end to it.

I don’t have a huge amount of advice but this sounds so similar to me. My first had horrendous colic and was just miserable until 7/8months old. That first year of his life I hated and it was so so tough on me mentally/emotionally/physically. It’s why it took me a long time to contemplate having another baby for as you say through fear of having it so bad again. We have a 4 year age gap and I currently have a 5.5 month old who has honestly been a dream. Though I do think I have ptsd from the colic which has flared up this time around. This time when baby was 2 weeks old I was just waiting every night for it to start and the odd occasion he had an unsettled evening i was convinced it was the start of colic. I can count on one hand how many unsettled evenings with had since he’s been born. But the minute he starts crying/screaming usually through teething or tiredness it takes me right back to the colic stage of my first and I really struggle to not get overwhelmed by it. I guess I don’t have a way to help you but just want you to know your not alone in feeling the way you do. And I genuinely hope if you decide to go ahead with another pregnancy then you will have as much luck as we’ve had second time around.

the most frustrating thing for me was seeing other peoples babies just be the most content happy little things, or people telling me it’s just a phase and they’ll grow out of it. Yes they do grow out of it but when your in the thick of it my god it’s relentless.

I’m not sure if it’s just pot luck or we’ve been better prepared this time around. He’s just had to fit in with our lives rather than us fit around him in some respects. We’re much better at picking up on tiredness cues. Our first never ever ever slept, no exaggeration🤣 whereas this time around we’re in a generally good routine.

just know that you’ve got this. It’s so good that your even recognising etc. I’m not sure if there is therapy etc that you could try?

Thanks so much. Your message means a lot as I know I’m not the only one experiencing this so that’s really encouraging to hear! I too have found it really difficult to deal with others around me who have “normal” babies. I can really experience a lot jealousy around that and feel they just don’t get it unless it has happened to them. I have thought about investing in a bit of therapy just to talk things through with someone so that I am in a better place emotionally for attempts at baby number two! I am largely very organised and happy with childcare now but do seem to snap very quickly into feeling overwhelmed and close to crying if he begins to cry inconsolably

Sounds quite familiar to us.

Our first was awful from about two weeks to 5months (when we gave him mushed up solids) as soon as we got him onto solids he was like a different child. Don't get me wrong he was still a baby and then a toddler. So getting up a couple of times a night to resettle was expected. Now he's 4 he still walks and likes a cuddle, but now he comes to us, then goes back :-)

But the scars of going to work on 1 hour sleep and the feeling of dispair run deep. We sort of fell into the habit of me doing the nights and my partner had him all day (that was she got some restbite and sleep). We then did alternate nights.
I was also more able to put him down in the living room and walk away for five mins and let him scream as suggested by the midwife's. If he's screaming he's breathing.

It put me off having number 2. But we did, she was colicky too, but differently she's been a general whinger and whiner. But again the first 12-16 weeks were horrible. But the big difference was I knew there was an end to it. Well certainly every night of screaming. Number 2 is very different, still demanding but different.

As a mum you are all over the place in the first 18months, you're hormonally prone to feeling down and have feelings of despair. Never be to proud or "to tough" to speak to your doc, midwife or health visitor about your thoughts. My partner was fortunate to be able to get access to Councillors via works wellbeing program as she refused to accept she and any degree of PND. Looking back now 3-4 years she'll just about admit to it.

Having number 2 and going through year 0 scared me. It made me miserable the first time around, the second time the I my thing that kept me a bit more with it was knowing the end was coming. With my two food was the key to getting colic in its box.

PTSD... Absolutely possible, it's not a daft idea.

P.s. I type this with number 1 asleep next to me and number 2 sat on my lap sticking up mucus into a towel (bronchiolitis). 2 woke 1 coughing.
So much for my early night, mummy is at work and I'm on early morning duty.... Booooo.

100% agree. If you’ve never experienced a real colicky baby you have no idea how relentlessly tough it is! And all the suggestions people come up with to try and help which really isn’t helpful. All you need is a break away from them. I found it worse because for us you know it’s coming every night. From 4/5pm it would start like clockwork every night. So all day your clock watching and waiting.

i really hope you manage to sort some therapy out. I wish in hindsight I had done the same but tbh I didn’t recognise it as an issue so early on it’s only having baby number 2 that’s triggered mine on occasions.

Thanks so much for your message! Sorry to hear your little one is poorly at present and I do hope you got some rest last night. I definitely do acknowledge I’ve got some form of postnatal anxiety going on. Thankfully it’s not as bad as generalised anxiety I’ve had in the past. I am finding it so helpful to hear from people who have experienced similar and feel the same, makes you feel less like you are “wrong” to feel that way and that alone within itself is therapeutic!

Thanks 😊, it’s really been so helpful hearing from you. As you say, hopefully I can access a bit of therapy to help me work through a bit of how I am feeling

I used to think therapy was a load of nonsense... Then I tried it once.

Everyone is different but for me it's getting crap in order in your head! Best tip I can give is to write it out as I've you're sending your long lost mate a letter. To write it down, you have to put it in order in your head first, for me the action of writing it out cements it.

Little one slept well. Just got up had brekkie, while she was having hers I got number 1s swimming stuff ready. Then she spewed on it.

Oh um.

Oh and I think it's rare that year 0 is a plain sailing easy ride of lovelyness, with a happy cooking baby in a tidy house full of happiness and joy. Despite what other people put on Facebook, you see in magazines it's tough really tough, relentless people dont show you that.

I think my partner had this fairytale idea that we'd have a smiley happy baby who would settle the moment he was cuddled and sleep like a dream after having a bum change and quick simple feed. (I'm not being mean, She'll tell you the same herself - she's the same with other things it's just her personality make up)

When it wasnt like that it got her down.

As older parents we've watched a number of friends get together, be together, have babies and then split up with kids under 4. We, and particularly me, made a vow, as much to myself that I wouldnt make any decisions about splitting up etc with kids under 4. The stress and effects of babies I think drives wedge in so many relationships. The SIL/BIL split up when her two were toddlers, looking at them now ten years later it's clear they still share a connection and in my (unvoiced) view it's a shame they couldn't hang on through the tough years.

I think if your relationship can survive a couple of kids you're pretty solid.

Luckily it's never really been a serious concern for us.

As a final note I take my hat off to all the people who have babies / under 4s as single parents, especially those that work to any degree. My job brings me into contact with all sorts of people on a daily business. I remember when number 1 was mid colic going to see a you girl in her very early 20s who had a 15month old and a newborn, her "partner" had "issues" and didn't live with her. I changed the babies, made her a brew and a butty and washed up for her while she had a cry while her mum came to help. I see her occasionally and take my hat of to her, her life must have been like a nappy, vomit, milk based groundhog Day for 2years.

Gosh I really feel for you OP. Very similar experience here and all it takes is a disastrous bedtime or a night of unsettledness and I'm catastophising. My mind is back in the hell of the first year when I was just beyond exhausted, cuddling a screaming colicky reflux baby and wondering what I was doing so wrong. Knowing it's a 'thing' makes me feel a lot less alone!!

Yes yes yes, my colic baby is 2.5yo now and is pure joy, wonderful, so clever and happy but I’d definitely still consider him ‘high needs’ in some aspects and his sleep is still pretty rubbish. I will never ever forget those days of pure screaming, we took him to a&e once because he cried non stop for 4 hours. I was hallucinating I was so sleep deprived.

Going from having a colic newborn no other stage has seemed hard in the slightest, every stage has been so much better than the last. It took my fight or flight instincts a long time to calm down as the minute he’d cry it’d take me back to the constant newborn crying, but it’s all eventually settled. Colic is horrific.

DD was seen by the G.P- well more than one and hospital consultants. There was nothing medically wrong, it went on for months, it was relentless.

When she did sleep, we would still ‘hear’ the screams in our heads- awful time. Consultants told us to either listen to music through headphones or use ear buds and just cuddle her as literally there was nothing else we could do. We tried it all.
Sleep when the baby sleeps …. if possible, it’s often not!

It does pass 💐

We laugh about it now (kinda!). She’s 6, almost 7.

This has all been so helpful! Thank you so much. I am probably similar to your partner in that myself and my partner smugly felt we would somehow be “different” to other parents and likely to have a chilled easy baby….God knows why I thought that! I think because I am perfectionist in so many areas of my life and being naturally anxious like things to be predictable and routine, it has certainly be a challenge for me to “lean in” to things being so crap at times. I’m going back to work 3 days a week soon which is a bit daunting but I think it will be a really good thing and help give me some perspective. I will definitely try the writing it down approach. I had actually bought myself a little note book a few weeks back for that very reason so I will prioritise making some time for it. I hope your swimming went ok despite the vomming before leaving the house 😆

Thanks. I’m glad it has helped you feel less alone too, I certainly do feel that way since starting this thread! It’s therapeutic within itself just to connect with other people who are experiencing the same thing. I have been fine one moment on some days then literally screamed the house down because he’s started wailing mid nap etc. unreasonable I know but it shows me how much is still pent up inside and unresolved from what we dealt with those initial months

@Pen89ox Thanks so much for your reply. You are definitely correct about fight or flight responses, mine are ready to trip at any time I think. I also agree that having “done” the colicky baby experience, nothing he now does is anywhere near as challenging. It is getting easier, so despite him being “high needs” now I find it much easier to handle. I am just aware of that part of me that is very triggered by his crying at times.

@Suzi888 thanks for the kind words. I definitely would advise past me and any future me who may have a colicky baby that the most important thing is doing anything to preserve your sanity whilst it’s going on. Including ear buds/music! I am a firm believer that colic for us was simply a case of my son not being quite ready for the world yet neurodevelopmentally, everything pissed him off as a result and things started to get better as he developed and matured. He is becoming happier the more and more independent he becomes and able to move himself around etc. food definitely helped too. There certainly are some babies with allergies etc causing their issues (we checked and saw a paediatrician) but I suspect a large proportion just take that extra few months to come to terms with being out of the safety of mum’s tum and out in the world. I am so glad I posted on here. You’ve all been fab.

Yes absolutely. My DC had silent reflux and CMPA which took absolutely ages to get any sort of diagnosis and support.

My nights were like yours. I began to hate my life.
Now if they cry I get triggered instantly to being angry and frustrated and I really do have to reign it in.

Kind of PTSD is how I've described it as well previously, I think because I knew those cries were absolutely desperate for my baby in pain and discomfort and nothing I did could help that. So every time it happens now I go right back to that desperate place. She's 2 now and life is good again

@NCgoingdry oh gosh, CMPA and reflux sucks, no wonder your little one was so miserable. My niece also had this and is now 2.5 and so happy which gives me more and more hope for my son in the future. I am so glad others are/have experienced what I have in regards to my response to his crying now, I had started to think I was being a bit over reactive or silly

Just a load of sympathy for you OP. I had an extremely colicky, difficult, none sleeping newborn and in the space of his first 6 months I went from stellar mental health to saying to my DH I wasn’t sure I could live anymore. I was diagnosed with PND…I’m not really sure it was that though tbh. This was run of the mill, reactive depression to an extremely stressful life event. To this day I don’t think I would have had a
mental health crisis if DS had been a relatively content, ‘easy’ newborn who didn’t wake every 30 minutes. Anyway, whatever the true diagnosis was SSRIs and talking therapy help.

DS is 2.5 now and an utter dream. Still relatively high needs in some ways…but he sleeps well, eats well, talks like a child much older and is genuinely a joy. Despite this, it only take a day of him crying more so than usual, or refusing his nap for me to spiral and catastophise. I’ve been doing some simple online CBT which I think is helping. Also, it has definitely got better as he has become a toddler. At least now it’s pretty cute and funny when he stamps his foot and cries that he doesn’t want to sandwich he requested 5 minutes ago. Far better then the days of continuous screaming for an unknown reason.

Granted, DS is only 2.5 so my experience of parenting isn’t exactly huge…but literally nothing has been as hard as those first 6 months. In fact, it’s been really quite easy - I’m definitely enjoying the toddler stage the most of my NCT group. Hang in there, basically

@AliceW89 thanks so much for your message, it is so so lovely to hear from people who have been through similar and have lovely toddlers. I agree that since the initial colicky hell has gone everything else my son now does seems easy in comparison. I am massively enjoying parenthood now compared to before. It’s just that tendency to quickly despair and become upset when he’s upset that I struggle with. He’s off for his first ever full day at nursery tomorrow….with a cold 🙈 , so I fully expect a phone call midway through the day to report he hasn’t slept and is losing his mind and to come get him 😂 ….we shall see! Can I ask what online CBT you are accessing? X

I am a firm believer that colic for us was simply a case of my son not being quite ready for the world yet neurodevelopmentally, everything pissed him off as a result and things started to get better as he developed and matured

Just wanted to add another message to say this was exactly what the issue was with my DS. He was born hyper alert, unable to switch off and extremely sensitive to his surroundings. Hated not being able to move or communicate. Horrendous newborn…but has made for an extremely observant, empathetic, naturally cautious toddler who spoke fluently very early, which has been brilliant.

@AliceW89 That’s fantastic! Hopefully my little bundle of fun will continue to blossom ☺️

So sorry you had it tough @Eirlys1986. I really appreciate you making this post, as I am experiencing the exact same emotions as you. Currently having counselling once a week, which is slowly helping me. I feel much better mentally now and the odd tough day with my 5 month old doesn’t stress me out (well any more than as expected). But now I’m dealing with sadness that the first 3/4 months was not as I imagined (expectations vs reality!), wishing I could redo it all differently, feeling like I failed and also so envious of the mums with chilled, happy babies. I know all babies will ‘baby’ but colic is just another level with the constant crying and no magic solution but time. There were minimal cuddles on the couch or lovely sleepy pram walks, just constant bouncing and walking up and down the house all day… and all night. I would try to leave the house because everyone would tell me it’s important, but then I’d end up in Waitrose with a screaming baby and want to cry as I’d run home. Also I was desperate to make mums friends in baby classes but most classes I would be at the back of the room bouncing my baby to stop the crying. Poor little boy was just so uncomfortable, breech c section baby, tongue tie, silent reflux. I never thought a newborn wouldn’t be easy, however, I was up for the challenge and thought I would enjoy a lot of it…. But wow I was mentally completely unprepared for this! So yeah, left with many emotions! Thanks for the relatable post. I hope you get a chiller baby #2 :)

Oh and I also freak out when I think he is about to cry! I can’t grab a dummy quick enough 😆 I’m sure my friends and family think I’m nuts, I often get “oh he’s fine, it was just a whinge” but my heart still races.

@Sydney199 Thanks so much for your post. I am finding it so so helpful to hear from so many others experiencing the same thing. Literally all I wanted during those horrible days was for him to fall asleep on me so I could snuggle with him and watch TV just like I had (perhaps naively) imagined. I can still remember the few times he did it as it sticks out as so lovely in my mind. When others complained they could only get babies to nap on them I would feel sad as it was literally like he hated being touched by me and to a degree he still really struggles to fall asleep in any way other than in his cot as he doesn’t know how. He is so cuddly and loves being carried now though and has become really such a happy baby but I do feel my mind distorts that as I struggle to put any whinging or crying into perspective. The whole experience has made me lose confidence in my own maternal instincts as basically the colic smashed that naturally building up. I am finding it helpful now to really voice my feelings and opinions about how he is on a certain day (to myself or to others) I.e “todays he’s cranky because a tooth is coming or it’s been overwhelming to be at nursery and have a cold”. I used to struggle with feeling like these kind of thoughts were just “making excuses” for his behaviour when deep down I felt he was just being unreasonable and colicky again. The more and more I voice and own these opinions about him I trust myself more and more. I really do know him best as I’m absolutely sure you know your little one best. We’ve had a harder road to bonding with them and my neighbour remarked this likely has made our end bond even stronger.