I am SO GOD DAMN LONELY

[journey2022x]

I feel so god damn lonely.

So I have 2 children, 12 and 2. I also have DH and we both work full time. We have great jobs but he has a more social one, I don't. I work with colleagues but they're not friends. Mind you, I have so many friends and we speak throughout the day in group chats.
DH goes to work at 6am, I get up at 7, get 2 children ready, drop at nursery/school(been summer club throughout the summer) and then go to work. I finish work at 5, collect both children, home tea and baths. Then DH arrives home at 7 and everything is usually done for his arrival home. I also have to find time to tidy, shower myself and sort stuff for the following day.
I find myself going days with no normal adult conversation other than my DH who is not boring, but he doesn't fulfil my social interaction needs.
The weekends come and DH often works them, so I have the children. I'm so exhausted and lonely I struggle to take them out some days unless DH Is home. When he is, we will do something amazing as a family.
I struggle to take my children out alone.
I want to. I really do. I just struggle getting them there.
I don't have much time to meet with friends, they all work too and have families. I can't plan things because my friendship group often are like passing ships which is fine because they have their own families and lives.
How can I be lonely if all I do is speak to my friends on social media and they make me laugh and we all chat about our lives. Why am I being selfish feeling like this when some people don't even have any friends ?

When I say I go days with no adult conversation, I mean like in real life. I know I have conversations with my friends etc but it's different in real life isn't it. Xx

That’s life with kids unfortunately. You work all day, cook dinner, then the kids go to sleep and if you’re lucky you get a couple of hours to yourself, albeit trapped in the house because the kids are in bed. DH and I both get one evening out per fortnight while the other stays home with the kids. Can you not talk to people at work? DH and I both see virtually nobody except each other and our work colleagues.

Your lonely and exhausted of doing nothing for yourself and having no time. Your husband needs to give you a break at the weekends if you do the leg work every evening.

I am a social worker, so it's hard to talk to people at work when I'm out on visits and everyone is so busy and stressed themselves when I'm in the office.
I have a night out planned in 2 weeks which I'm excited for but am I just expected to not feel lonely because I'm going out in 2 weeks?
My DH works 5 on 3 off, so i can only really plan a night out when he's off on the weekend, which is what I do or we take the kids out.

I know it's life with kids and the norm of parenting but I've never felt like this and my eldest is 12. Never ever have I felt like this. I don't know why I do now because nothing has exactly changed

I think your life is similar to many peoples but that doesn't mean it's not tough.

Do you wfh? Don't any meetings/calls with your colleagues have a bit of chat?

The human contact you have sounds like you wouldn't feel lonely, but you do so it's not meeting your needs.

Assuming you can't change the big things (kids, work and life laundry) what would you like your life to look like?

Would you fancy a sociable hobby? Or rather go for coffee or shopping with a friend? Or prefer a group night out? Any activity you could do with the 12 year old that'd be sociable for you?

Figure out what might work, then see what can be done to facilitate it.

You made it make sense @DoodlePug. Thank you!

I've been struggling to put it into words.
You've just put it down to a T.

My 12 DS has his own friends and hobbies etc, he's really busy and social. also spends Saturdays at my Mums.

I don't know what I would like my life to look like- I have what some people dream off, mortgage, husband, children, career. But that doesn't mean I cannot feel like this. I just don't know why I do.

I feel like I need a night out and a good dance, getting dressed up etc. but when it comes to it, I want to cancel because I cba with the hangover and the money it costs to go out. Not that money is an issue, I would rather spend it on my children.
I would just love a day shopping on my own, sunbed, eyelashes done, coffee and lunch. Or with a friend. I just need time to spend on myself. I don't have that and I'll struggle to find it.

It's just tough isn't it, for all of us. Thank you xxx

You need me time and purpose.

Plan to be out the house without DP or DC's for one of every 3 days DP is off.

Hi OP, I feel you.
My partner and I both work for the NHS, long hours, weekends and nights. We have a daughter. We bought a bigger house recently and are now semi rural.
We used to he very outdoorsy people. Before dd was born we were away in the van most weekends, climbing some rock, hiking, scrambling, getting wasted with friends....
It was a good life. Now I get back from work, cook, get litte one ready for bed and collapse on sofa. I usually go to bed at 9pm to be up at 6am.
I feel lonely and very unbalanced. I miss exercise, I miss being out in the mountains. Kids just change everything. I don't want to give her back but I do muss my old life sometimes.

I don't miss my old life as such because I had my 12 year old at 15, so I've not really had much of a life without him lol

I do completely understand what you mean by unbalanced. I feel like I'm giving my all to my family, to be the one who's not happy. I do everything for my family, as does my husband. But, he just doesn't feel the way I do.
I'm overwhelmed to say the least. I just have no time to myself, I don't even make hot drinks anymore lol

I hope you feel like your old self soon. How old is your daughter? It may get easier. Well, I hope it does for you.

We seem to have things that's others only dream of and it goes to show that it often doesn't mean anything atall if we're not happy.

It's really tough, isn't it? I don't even know what would make me feel happier atm, not even wine

This thread has perfectly articulated my own challenge.

You are not alone OP. Wish I knew what the answer was, I might try an exercise class or two.

@YellowHpok I ain't too sure what the answer is. I have no bloody clue.

I don't even know what will fix this because I have a great husband, children and friends. Just no bloody time!. It's tricky, isn't it?

Look at the symptoms of burnout - and maybe combined with menopause?

I hope not I'm only 27 lol 😂

I feel the same OP. Mine are almost 3yo and 8wo. I feel like I have no time to myself (not even time for my own thoughts) and trapped inside the house because it's hard to get out with them and when I do it's always mayhem. I absolutely love seeing DH but it's only for an hour or so a day when we're both knackered and I really miss my friends. Like you I text them alot but it doesn't compare to face to face interactions. I go to a lot of mum and toddler groups but even then I get 2 sentences in to a conversation and then one of the kids needs me so i never feel like I actually get to talk to anyone...

@journey2022x my dd is 31 months old. So still pretty small and dependent on me.
I hope I can get my life back some time. I was debating a second child but not sure I could handle it to be honest.
I am also not a spring chicken anymore at 39. At least her sleep is getting better and I get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep at night.
I think the pandemic has fucked social interactions as well. Everyone has become more withdrawn.

You're only 27! No wonder you feel like this. I assumed you were mid 40s!

Is your DH a lot older than you? Maybe you need some peers who aren't parents to have some fun with?

You really don't want to actually be in your 40s and look back on your 20s and think all it was was a lonely slog.

@journey2022x I really feel for your words in your post, as much as I don't feel lonely I can totally emphasise with that feeling.

I too on paper have so much to be grateful for
Good jobs, finances and an amazing fiancé

Without him being as supportive as he has been I honestly think I'd feel lonely and crap

I have an 11 yr old and a 6 week old so the age gap is where my 11 yr old is very independent where my newborn is very much needing 24/7 care !!

Reading your post you sound lovely and would love like some of peoples other post be able to meet up and do some of the things you've listed

I have a circle of friends who are in a whats soo group but everyone is always so bloody busy ! It annoys me sometimes- I sometimes feel i don't want a text pal, I would like interaction!

I'm lucky enough to only work part time (mat leave at the moment) but I feel I have enough time on my hands but I don't really do anything for me - no hobbies

I do things a lot by myself but generally I'm content

I feel something is definitely missing in your life
From reading your post and no offence I don't feel your OH does enough?

My oh can also work long hours but he does make up for it so when he does happen to be off he will cook dinner or do some chores and communication is key - make time for each other

We often do a ' date night ' we send the eldest to nanny's and then either cook a special meal or go out and take baby with us and make it work.

Life with children is different and it's just finding a way to adapt.

I think maybe have a chat and tell him
How you feel?

27?! I'm 39 ( feel in my 20's! I'm young at heart!) some of my best friends are in their 20's
Work colleges etc and I feel sad you feel like this. Like pp said you don't want to regret anything and look back and think I was miserable in my 20's

I don't have the answers but didn't wanna read and run

I think parenting can be lonely and sometimes comforting to know that others feel the same but your extent of how lonely you feel I think is key here

X

With a 12yo and a 2yo, can you make some time in the evenings? The 2yo is presumably in bed fairly early (7.00/7.30), your DH is home by then and your 12yo is presumably fairly self sufficient.
Even if you can't see the same group of friends regularly, could you join some hobby which is relatively social and do that once a week?
You also mention your eldest goes to your mum's on a regular basis. What about your youngest? Can you send them to your mum's, either with your eldest or leaving your eldest to do something else, and go out then? Alternatively, I think focussing on making some friends through your 2yo might work well. If you had your first when your were 15, you probably didn't find that many other new mums your own age and therefore the chances of any of them being like minded is lower; there will be a greater pool of people in their mid-20s. If you become friends with them, you can spend time at the weekends doing things together with your toddler. Again, the 12yo can be - and will probably enjoy - being self sufficient for a couple of hours.

You're definitely not the only person who feels like this and it's absolutely possible to feel lonely in any situation, even if you have lots of friends.

Don't be afraid to make the first move and schedule meet ups with people that work with your other commitments. On the outside people have busy lives and families etc but they might be feeling exactly the same as you. It doesn't have to be a big night out, coffee catch up is cheaper and easier to arrange 🙂

I can imagine lots of people may feel this way also but maybe don't say or hide it well or just suffer in silence

I think it's more common then you think and maybe people just accept it's how you have to feel

Sad though......very sad I think loneliness is a horrible thing and I feel sad for anyone feeling lonely - as I say I do have it at times but it's at times. It's like anxiety / I think most people go through a time of having it - mild/medium/bad etc and there comes a time when it can take over and really cause issues that's how I see it anyway x

I'm not sure what the answer is. Having young DC is a slog and big chunks of life are 'on hold' until they get a bit older.

Like you, my colleagues have always been colleagues, not friends.

I met my friends at playgroups and the school gate. We were similar backgrounds and all in the same boat and made a social life around the DC.

OP, do any of your friends have DC of a similar age to yours so that you can have a casual afternoon or early evening together as families?

@Felinewoman yep pretty much in exact same position as you and have a 1 year old and 39.
Good to know not alone in thoughts re no 2 etc

That’s life with kids unfortunately

I don't think this needs to be true. Most people I know have kids and while we are not living glamorous lives we definitely make time to see each other, even just to sit in each others houses talking shite over a bottle of wine. And we join forces to do weekend stuff with our children, so that way adults get to socialise too.

OP have you spoken really clearly to your friends and said "Who wants to meet up soon? We never hang out and I miss it!"

Also if your DH is gone from 6am to 7pm and also frequently works weekends you have a problem. Can he really work that much?

@TheYearOfSmallThings how are you doing? X

Not bad thanks! Hopefully the OP is too