Help? Mixture of ranting and asking for advice

[relentlesslife]

Right this Is mainly a rant but if anyone has any advice I'd be grateful

First of all I work 44 hours a week. I work shifts. Have no choice. Husband has to do the nights, I do the mornings. Full time childcare is 1200 a month round here. Neither of us even earn that. Loads of jobs round here but we aren't higher educated so tough wages and if we didn't work shifts have to find 1200 a month for childcare plus the cost of living is going up so be fucked really. We scraped together enough funds to send her one day a week so she isn't practically feral. With tax free childcare it's just about manageable.

I have a toddler. She's 2. I'm done with this parenting. Everyone said it would get easier. When I was pregnant in covid times it was oh once restrictions are eased it will be easier. When she was a newborn j got told when she starts sleeping thru it will be easier. When she was a baby it was when she can communicate it will be easier. Now she's 2 I want to know when the easy bit kicks in.

She has a tantrum about every 8 seconds. Over anything
Brushing teeth
Looked at funny
Not letting her drink the bleach from the shopping
Throws herself on the floor and goes floppy. Screeching like I'm murdering her. It makes me angry. I have to walk away. Her behaviour makes me angry. I know its normal but when I've had about 5 hours sleep and then she's throwing herself and screaming because I had the cheek to ask her to put her shoes on I can't handle her.

She doesn't sleep. Gone are the days of sleeping. Now she lays in bed and screams. I have to be up for work at 2 am so you know watching the clock tick knowing I have work soon isn't comforting or reassuring.
I've tried cutting naps, shortening naps, changing nap times. Doesn't make a difference.

She doesn't eat. I actually don't know at this point what she's living on cos she hardly eats a thing. Of course at nursery she eats everything.

Im done. I'm tired. I have tried so much

Oh and she bites now. So that's new..I'm covered in little pin prick bites. It might be for attention. She gets plenty of attention. I get home from work and she has my undivided attention. I play with her. I read stories to her. I do everything.

I don't hate her. I do love her regardless of this post. I'm at the edge now. Work is killing me. I can't cut my hours cos of the cost of living. Neither can he.

I don't know what to do

I don't feel suicidal but if I could disappear even for a week I think I'd take it

2yo are savages regardless of your family, work or financial situation so you're not alone on that front.

I remember your previous post. Are you claiming everything you can? You should be eligible for UC and help with childcare costs if you're on low incomes.

@Iheartmykyndle never posted on mumsnet before. Usually use reddit but it's very americanised and I feel like I get nowhere. Maybe someone in a similar situation.

We fall into the threshold of earning too much for any help but when it comes down to pay and whatnot we essentially have nothing left over. I mean it's 2 weeks to payday and I'm already minus 200 in my overdraft. That's not me spending it on crap. It's just food for us and transport to work.

I think you need to look again at finances. Have you looked to see if you are entitled to any help with childcare? Can you post your spending in credit crunch section and ask for advice? The issue is you are chronically sleep deprived. How long until you are entitled to 15/30 hours of education.

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas I've looked at entitledto and the government website..not entitled to anything. Outright we pay 1500 a month alone just to live. Add the gas and electric going up and our mortgage is up for renewal were looking at that going up another 500 pounds. Plus food shopping. Lucky to have anything left over after. She went 2 in June so still a while to go

I found it got a lot easier and more fun from 2.5. my daughter could finally communicate and started really becoming a little person. She'll be 3 next month and I'm now loving being a parent, although I do also appreciate the break I get the 3 mornings she goes to nursery. Is there possibly an affordable drop off playgroup you could take her to for a bit of a break? Or even a playgroup where parents stay -- having a cuppa and chat with other parents while the kids play can sometimes really take the edge off.

@Endlesslaundry123 I'll have a look at playgroups and things but I'm not sure if my work hours coincide with them being open. Typical really

I don't feel suicidal but if I could disappear even for a week I think I'd take it and It makes me angry. I have to walk away. Her behaviour makes me angry.

You're understandably stressed and unhappy. Your child is 2, they are having both normal developmental tantrums plus probably picking up on your unhappiness/anger/stress.

If I were you I'd try to focus on everything and anything you can do to care for yourself in order to improve your own mood. Can you meditate, exercise, eat better, treat yourself to watching nice TV, anything to help improve your base anger/stress?

@carefullycourageous I'm not gonna lie I could probably eat better but I tend to eat on the go. I cook for her bur never have the appetite myself so end up skipping meals and then eating crap on my break at work and repeat.
I just feel shit. I feel like a shit parent and a useless human.

You're doing an amazing job. Parenting and working is so hard and relentless! Do you and OH have any crossover when you're both at home, so you could take a bit of time to do something for you, whatever that is? Read a book, go for a swim/walk, meet a friend for a coffee etc? Think it's really important (if you can) to carve out a bit of "you" time even if it's just a couple of hours a week.

Also, 30 free hours will kick in from next September so just hold onto that thought! (I have a summer 2020 baby too and can't wait) I know it seems ages away but it will come round before you know it. Worth starting to look into the options - the local authority pre schools near us have opened the applications for September 2023 already, then others open around December/January time.

I think you need to address how you feel about you. You're angry, probably because you're stressed.

You cook for her but not for you. What do you do for you?

It is a choice to do nothing for yourself, you can make a different choice and you deserve that. Once you start to care for yourself your stress and resentment will hopefully improve tiny bit by tiny bit.

You won't feel better until you treat yourself better. You're not shit you're worn out

I feel you! Like OP said 2yo ARE savages. I have one as well and it's bloody hard!I try to keep in mind that really annoying well used phrase, "everything's a phase." 5 months ago DD wouldn't even sit at the table let alone eat everything but fast forward to today and she is eating really well and (reluctantly) trying new foods. Today I took her out for a nice days and all she did was shout and have a tantrum. Its so hard not to get angry and the not let the list of grievances/more anger build up against them. Something that helps me is to lower your expectations- both of yourself and your DC. Don't try to be perfect. "Everyone's fed, nobody's dead" is my current motto. I would say that the lack of sleep seems to be the root cause of both you feeling overwhelmed and rightly so bloody exhausted. Also DC's behaviour is also probably made worse by being tired too (why won't they lie the f*ck down and go to sleep?!). I'm sorry I don't have any advice for this but maybe once that's sorted all the other things will start to fall into place. Do you have any family/friends who could give you a break for a day or two or take DC for a sleepover on one of your days off so you can catch up on sleep? Keep going sounds like you're doing really well in a tough situation!

Rather than starting a new post I'm gonna post her
She's just getting worse. Her sleep is non existent. She goes to bed at 7 to half past and she just sits there wide awake. Still gets up at 6 am and is now in a foul mood cos she's tired. Put her back to bed and she's screaming so had to bring her back down as husband sleeping. Only got home at 5 am and has another night shift tonight so can't leave her to scream.

Taking her out isn't worth the drama. She just lays on the floor and screams and if I try and put her in the buggy she arches her back and kicks and screams. Walking to nursery yesterday and putting her in the pram cos she wouldn't walk. Ended up dropping her because she was wriggling and kicking so hard. Got a bruise on her back which I have major guilt over.

Tantrum after tantrum after tantrum. This morning it was because she's tired and I had to do her nappy cos she's soaked. She kicked me in the face and bit me. Considered leaving her in her soaked clothes but no I continued

I can't do this.
I really can't

There is no me time. Our shifts are so tight that when I'm home he's setting off or getting ready. By the time she's finally in bed and I'm showered etc I have to go to bed for work. I've stopped eating this last week full stop. I'm so miserable. Im living off cups of tea and the odd leftover from her tea.

This is ridiculous.
I'm done

I didn’t want to leave this unanswered. It sounds so hard. I have a two year old and a one year old and the turning point for us was 2.5 (he’s getting on for three now).

Can you talk to your health visitor ? There is often help out there that’s a bit “hidden” like home start and supported playgroups. Anything to change the current set up - if you can find the last bit of energy. It will get easier but that doesn’t help so much when you’re in the thick of it. Keep
swimming

@Ed1n thank you. I haven't seen a health visitor since she was 2 weeks old. I'll have a Google and see if there's a general number and give them a call on Monday. She's only just gone 2. About 3 weeks ago.
I just feel empty. I'm so done. It's twenty past 7 on a Saturday and I already can't wait for bedtime.

Meant to be only just gone 2 about 2 months ago. Don't know where 3 weeks came from!

Living with a two year is like living with

A two year old is like living with a veloceraptor.

You say she has childcare one day a week, would it be more a break if she did two half days?

@Simonjt honestly don't know. She adores her full day and I don't know how keen she would be to leave early or go late. I think I'll speak to her nursery worker and see if she has any suggestions

Making a cup of tea in the kitchen with the safety gate on. She's having a scream in the front room. I'm crying in the kitchen.

She should have her two year review? If it's not happened contact your hv team. Tbf it all sounds pretty normal the issue is u are both working so hard and have limited support. It will get easier. I found ds better when we were out so we went out everyday - park, soft play etc. it also tired him and he slept better. He had a visual calendar with photos on so he could see he would have breakfast, get dressed, go park etc. it seemed to help knowing what was coming up. Try to find what works for her - routine? High energy activities? Also what's important to her food? Screen time? Don't abuse but use it when u need to.

Also once 3 you will get the 30 hours.

@autienotnaughty we never had a 1 year review and I've not heard a single thing about a 2 year review. She's not motivated by food. She seems to live off air at the moment. Couldn't care less about chocolate or crisps. She likes screen time.

Up to about 2 weeks ago we went out every day regardless of work or weather. But now she won't walk. I mean at all. She can walk. She throws herself down and screams and screams. She won't get in the pushchair unless I physically force her in which is very hard when she's biting and pulling my hair and screaming. She wants to be carried and I can't carry her everywhere. She's heavy for starters. Plus I don't want to. Maybe that sounds mean but I really don't want to.

I take her to soft play a couple of times a month and we have a garden so we go there. Dunno what will happen in winter.

Will she watch TV? 2yos awake at 6am are what CBeebies was invented for.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and say it's not working. Like in a plane, you need to fit your own oxygen mask before you look after anyone elses. You need sleep first, then look at your other needs.

I would suggest listening to an audiobook of "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" for dealing with tantrums. But 2yo are idiots, hey behaviour isn't going to get better overnight. But I agree with pp who said she's picking up on your stress so you need to try and address it.

One year reviews are area dependant ours only does them if there's a concern. I'd chase up two year review . The walking sounds a nightmare when does it start as you are leaving? Mid journey? I'd break it down real small. So try a very short walk like a minute or so out the house and lots of praise, encouragement, reward. Then try a little further and build on it. So basically you are training her to walk again.