To say no to friend and DD?

[JulyDreams]

I feel awful. I've got a 7 week old. My work friend and her DD are due to visit me and my newborn Sunday. We have had it arranged only for about 2 weeks.

My DD is slightly moody as she is bunged up at the moment with a slight cough and is generally feeling under the weather (needy and feeding a lot on me) so I'm worried as it is and keeping an eye on her.

I sort of want contact to be minimal until next week: DD hasn't had any injections yet until next week (8 week injections). I feel awful but am I being unreasonable to cancel?

This will be the second time I have cancelled. First time I had to be somewhere short notice.

She is also cluster feeding past few days due to a 7 week growth spurt but I think that may have gone now.

Do you think it's rude if I cancel even though I don't feel 100% confident for DD to be mixing yet with so many people? I feel awful

To be fair that was 13 years ago 🤣 can't remember what she done last week but I'm from a very big big family and she was always around other adults and children (her and my nephew where born 4 weeks apart lol) and had colds, colic, ear infection, throat infections the only thing she never got was chicken pox

like I said it's up to you and what you feel comfortable with

To answer your question it is rude to cancel for the second time and you are being a bit pfb.

Without wanting to sound unkind because I really don’t mean it to be, you’re talking about your baby as if she’s a puppy. It’s puppies that have to limit contact with the outside world before their injections, not babies. The things that babies are immunised against are very rare and your dd wouldn’t be at high risk of catching them, thanks to everyone else having had the vaccines!

I think it would be ride to cancel, but if you really can’t face it then be honest and recognise that it’s because of your anxiety rather than because your friend and her child are a risk to your baby.

If I was your friend I'd completely understand you cancelling. You have a tiny baby who's already under the weather, even without the concern about catching something new, I'd think you're probably knackered and would understand you not wanting to socialise. When mine were that little I'd only ever make loose plans and say we'd need to confirm nearer the time, if that doesn't work for the other person then they're perfectly free to not make plans with me until baby's older and we're out of the intense first few months. Having a newborn is hard work and seeing friends should be fun and support, not added pressure!

Thanks for your message. It's been added pressure since first few weeks, but I'm getting there. I'm suffering with post natal anxiety and don't want to make it a bit worse. I just feel awful cancelling for second time .... I'm going to see how DD is over next few days .. !

Your child is absolutely fine. Let your friend come. You'll enjoy it.

Aw www July. Sorry to hear you have PND. I was gently skimming around how your MH was as I did wonder why you'd developed this fear recently.

Maybe a friend would be good and maybe you could chat to her about it? It's not easy.

Thank you @itsgettingweird you could be right there!!

OP what do you think those of us with nursery aged older siblings do? We can't quarantine them until baby has had all their injections. Second born DD was snotty pretty much from birth but now she is a robust and healthy 17 month old.
Baby will be absolutely fine to have a nice visit from your friend and DD.
Ask them to remove outdoor clothes and wash hands before having cuddles.
Are you getting out? Going to baby groups etc?
It's more beneficial for your mental health to see friends than it's detrimental to your baby.

@maryberryslayers

Thanks for your comment- but that's the issue I don't feel I can ask them to remove their clothes and wash their hands...? I don't want to be seen as rude. I don't know why I feel that way.

We are going to baby groups- staring in October.

See you friend. Explain about the post-natal anxiety. You might find it's a massive relief and she will probably be really understanding and might even be able to help. She is a friend after all.

Also, babies get colds. All. The. Time. I know it's a difficult time but your DD will be fine - congratulations!

The majority of people (that I know anyway) would wash their hands before holding a newborn. I think you should just let her come round, sounds like it would do you some good to have some visitors.

You'll lose the friendship if you cancel again. I'd go with it. But next time don't agree anymore, until you're sure you're okay with it.

Thanks everyone

@Goldfishjones she has a nasally/ congested nose and also has a cough... I'm worried as she hasn't had her 8 week injections yet so don't know what it will do to her

Honestly, don't cancel.

DS is 15m now but maternity leave on the back of covid, and no groups had really started back up at the time, was really really lonely.

See people when you can would be my advice.

You will lose your friendships if you do this time and time again

Yabu to cancel for a second time. If the lack of immunisations were an issue then why make plans in the first place? Your friend has a child herself who she has to make plans around, she doesn’t deserve to get constantly messed around because your baby’s got a snotty nose or it’s hungry.

It's hard when they're tiny especially when you have PND/PNA. If you want to reschedule because baby is unwell then that's completely understandable. However if you want to reschedule because you're worried about bugs before 8 week jags it's probably better to try and tough it out. After 8 week jags you'll worry about 12 week jags... etc. And the vaccinations they get are for things that are massively unlikely to happen during a visit with a friend. And friends DD is also unlikely to have been exposed to these things at uni. And none of the baby immunisations will make the slightest bit of difference with covid. I feel for you as DS1 was born right before lockdown, and DS2 last year, after 2 years of being told so much as going to a shop is a risk. I do think the pandemic has made us scared of everything for our kids.

Totally this. Canceling is flaky and rude unless it is a huge emergency.

Cancelling a second time would be really ride and inconsiderate. And there's really no need.
How do you imagine second and third babies go through life? Their siblings are at nursery or school, and baby has to be taken everywhere as a sibling might need to go to toddler group or Tumble Tots or something. They're bathed in a sea of toddler/pre schooler gems!

You sound very over anxious. And that's not good for your baby. A visit from your friend sounds to be what you need. And your baby won't suffer for it at all.

I would just cancel if you don't want the visit life's to short to sit worrying about something that doesn't have to happen

You have a 7 week old baby who is unwell if your friend doesn't understand she's not much of a friend

It won't do anything to her. Really it won't. She had baby snuffles. They all get them.

Covid has really done a number on us all. Please relax, and enjoy your time with your friend.

My god, just cancel. It’s absolutely fine to prioritise yourself and your baby, over being perceived as ‘rude’.

@saraclara

Im so surprised to see so many comments saying it would be rude - I dont think so at all. You've just had a baby. You've got another little one who is not feeling at their best atm. You dont sound as if you are feeling tiptop either. I would reschedule and say why. Any decent, genuine friend would understand.