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Original poster

Am I weird for feeling like I’m grieving?

30 replies

charley39 · 30/08/2022 06:52

DS left nursery last week ready to start primary school and it has honestly knocked me for six. I’m in tears most days thinking about it. I cried last week every day he went because it was the last time for that day he would be going. I cried picking him up on his last day. I cried a hell of a lot at his graduation party! All I have to do is think about it and I’m tearing up. Is this normal or an extreme reaction? I honestly can only describe it as I’m grieving a loss.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 30/08/2022 06:54

It’s normal to be sad at the passing milestones, but that sounds excessive. You need to keep busy and take your mind off it. It will pass.

MassiveSalad22 · 30/08/2022 06:57

I would say that’s unusual, yes. But I do understand the sense of the baby years being over and that’s it now. School. I have one going into reception but think I’m more shocked that my eldest is going into juniors!! When you remember being the age they are, now that is scary!

soupmaker · 30/08/2022 06:58

Extreme IMHO.

Normal to be sad this chapter of his life coming to an end and a bit wet eyed at graduation days and last ever days.

School is whole new level of fun. You've got 7 years before he moves on to secondary school.

Original poster
charley39 · 30/08/2022 07:01

To add I have a 5 month old aswell so I’m not sure if it’s triggered something or my hormones are still a bit crazy.

I do think it’s excessive also but it’s almost like I can’t stop it atm. Maybe it’s just too fresh still. I do think he is going to really struggle going to school and settling so I don’t think this is helping either.

OP posts:
MassiveSalad22 · 30/08/2022 07:27

I have a 4 month old too. You get to do the preschool years all over again! That’s nice!! He may absolutely love it OP, think positive!

KangarooKenny · 30/08/2022 07:33

Aside from this about going to school, would you say you have anxiety ?

ILoveMeSteakIDo · 30/08/2022 07:34

You need to pull yourself together. Surely you have children to raise them and watch them grow up not to keep them in a perpetual baby state. Its not normal to be constantly crying because your child is starting school. You being weepy isn't going to help him settle any quicker. You need to be positive and happy about school for his sake. If he thinks mummy's upset about him going to school, he's going to get clingy and reluctant to go in. He needs to see school as a positive.

BeautifulWar · 30/08/2022 07:34

I struggled too, OP. I do think my reaction was exacerbated by stress, so the tiredness/hormones that come with a young baby could definitely be a factor.

You'll get over it, and before long the school routine will become normal...and because you know it, you'll be wondering where that year went and mourning reception ☺

Twizbe · 30/08/2022 07:57

It's a huge change for your too and the post birth hormones are going to be raging right now.

I remember crying on my son's second day at school because he didn't want to go and I felt like I was forcing him.

He loves school now and can't wait to go back for year 1.

You'll both be fine

WimpoleHat · 30/08/2022 08:01

In the nicest possible way, you need to wipe your tears and get over it. Time passes, things move on - and that’s how we want it to be. We want our kids to learn and develop and grow. So this progression is actually something to celebrate. Try and see it that way - it might help you not to feel overly sentimental about the milestone.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 30/08/2022 08:01

Extreme. More than that actually.

As PP said, you need to pull yourself together.

tirednewmumm · 30/08/2022 08:05

Ah i was going to say too extreme until I saw you had a 5 month old, the tiredness and hormones were still really strong for me at that point and I was inconsolable at an episode of tv once where a mother and baby were separated Smile

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/08/2022 08:06

Seems a bit excessive but we all react to things differently and maybe there is a little bit more emotion due to having hormones from the new baby too.

im massively unemotional about these things but I know a lot of people like a cry about school starting/leaving etc.

just monitor it. Hopefully this feeling will pass with time, buy if not and you’re finding other things so hard to manage it may be time to chat to someone.

children growing up is wonderful because you get to see new parts of them and experience new things with them as they grow (just started paddle boarding with my 6 and 8 year old and am loving them being able to do things like that with me and not having to avoid activities that are too little for them). However it is sad to say bye to the baby/child they were. Seems like it’s almost different people some times when I look as my son as a baby and then now.

Topseyt123 · 30/08/2022 08:13

I'd say that it is normal to feel slightly wistful and maybe a tad apprehensive for your child, your reaction seems particularly extreme and you need to get a handle on it.

Are new baby hormones still raging around?

Original poster
charley39 · 30/08/2022 08:17

I of course understand my babies are going to grow up etc I don’t think it’s that. We had a lot of issues with nursery the first time around and then we found this one and it’s just been the most amazing place for him to grow up in rather than a standard company run nursery which I would probably have less attachment to.

I completely recognise that me being upset etc isn’t going to help him with settling but I don’t sit here crying in front of him it’s all very under control etc usually if I’m on my own for a bit or at night when he’s gone to bed. He of course saw me upset at leaving the graduation party but then so was every other parent there.

I do get anxiety on and off and there’s quite a few changes coming up at home the next few weeks so I have a feeling this could be contributing to everything.

OP posts:
soupmaker · 30/08/2022 08:48

Chances are he'll be fine starting school and you'll be the one crying your eyes out as she leaves you without a backward glance.

Given you've got a 4 month old too being in an emotional, anxious state seems perfectly normal.

ScarlettDarling · 30/08/2022 09:01

I felt like this when my dd left nursery to start school. It actually spiralled and I got very down and ended up on anxiety meds. However I am very prone to anxiety anyway. I’m currently going through exactly the same again with my eldest about to go off to uni. I’m terribly sad and cry at the drop of a hat.
Talk to people about it and stay busy. If the feelings don’t pass then speak to your gp Flowers It’s tough, I know how you’re feeling.

Hlglu56 · 30/08/2022 09:03

I was teary when mine was starting primary last year because I felt I was losing her. She only went to nursery 4 days a week so I was sad to be losing our day off together and also knew I couldn’t take her out of school whenever I wanted. Nursery used to send us photos and I could chat to the staff about how she was getting on. It’s not like that with school and I felt I was losing control.

However it only lasted a few weeks and watching her grow and develop at school has been amazing. She absolutely loves going.

toomuchlaundry · 30/08/2022 09:06

Is he looking forward to going to school?

Roselilly36 · 30/08/2022 09:11

Yes, life is moving on, but you have all the excitement of school starting to look forward too, you will soon forget about nursery.

HMReturnsBag · 30/08/2022 09:13

I've felt like this at various times (DC much older now)- it is like grieving because it's the end of a time that won't come back. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with having intense feelings about it. When I think of the idea of having one more day with DC being nursery age, or primary age, or indeed any younger age, what I feel is so strong it's a bit overwhelming.

That said, it sounds as if your feelings are affecting your ability to get on with life, so that's not helpful, and it won't be helpful for DS to associate starting school with you being in tears all the time. What helps me is making myself imagine what things would be like if DC hadn't moved onto the next stage- because really having a healthy child progressing through life is absolutely the best thing, you don't actually want him to stay languishing in nursery when he should be at school. It's bitter-sweet but you can focus on the sweet when you're around DC and save the bitter for times by yourself or with friends or your partner. It's ok to feel the sadness as long as that's not all you feel.

kimchifox · 30/08/2022 09:13

You need to reframe this and stop thinking about it as the end of something great but rather the beginning of something great. All the fun stuff he will do at school, buying his uniform and pencil case, nice friends he might make, all the progress he will make.

I'm sorry you feel like you have lost something but think of what you and he have gained from nursery rather than what you are losing. It sounds like you have gained a lot and it's not lost, it's with you still for the next step. I'm sure you've made some lovely friends who you will stay in touch with for instance? Your DS has made lots of progress? This can continue and be added to. It's a change, not a loss.

Alsoplayspiccolo · 30/08/2022 10:00

My DD is about to head off for uni and my DS is leaving for boarding school for 6th form this week.
I’ve been filling up with tears multiple times a day for a few weeks now.

It’s the start of a new chapter of parenting, so it’s not surprising it feels like grief, or loss.
Our DCs school was such a happy place for our family; the staff were amazing and felt more like friends, so it feels like the end of a relationship.

Years ago, a long time before I had children, I remember seeing a neighbour with his daughter who was about to start school. He said he felt sad, because “ once they go to school, they’re not yours anymore.” He meant that you are no longer the major influence in their life; they start to say and do things that they’ve seen/heard other children do etc.

I guess every day of healthy parenting is watching your child stretch further and further away from you. It’s ok to feel sad but you have to remind yourself it’s a normal process, and adapt to the changes.

kirinm · 30/08/2022 10:42

My DD's last day at nursery is tomorrow and I am feeling pretty emotional about it all. I do actually have a horrible feeling in my stomach because there is a lot of change coming.

I have been pretty emotional at various stages in the summer as nursery have been doing lots of special days i.e. graduation / music concert / leavers trip to the theatre etc. I don't think it is that unusual to be upset about it. These people have seen my DD probably more than I have in terms of hours spent with her. They are similar to extended family who have helped raise her with us over the last few years. it is a big deal.

My DD is very late August born so has literally only just turned 4. I suspect that doesn't help the emotions because she seems so young in comparison to some of the other kids going off to reception. Plus I had a terrible time at school so the whole process of school makes me feel uneasy (something I'm trying very hard not to project onto my daughter).

It is hard OP but you'll be into the swing of school in no time.

GiselleRose · 30/08/2022 10:49

I know a mum who did that and I didn’t truly understand it until my youngest left infant school and I embarrassed myself crying at his last nativity! My mum had died about a year before that. So I think it was an outburst of emotion that I actually hadn’t had up until that point. It was like something suddenly unblocked and all the emotion poured forth! Luckily I was with a friend who understood. So it can depend on what else is in the past and background. Don’t be too hard on yourself about it. 💐