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Original poster

How to accept this is what life is like now

29 replies

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 29/08/2022 20:29

You may have seen comments and threads I have made previously about DS, who is adopted and nearly 15. We have had many ups and downs with his behaviour, he has been excluded from school, been in trouble with police for drugs, been missing a dozens of times. He used to be violent but isn't now.

After a reasonable summer, he has now reverted back to his previous behaviour of not sticking to arrangements when out with friends. I agreed he could go out to see a friend (against my better judgment as I know all they do is smoke weed but her hasn't seen his friend much this summer, and anyway I can't stop him). I asked him if he would be back for dinner, and said it didn't matter either way but could he let me know by 6 so I knew how much to cook. He has not been in touch at all and now has his phone switched off. He's been out since about 1. DH even gave him a lift to his friend's house.

I am now in tears because I now have no idea if he will be out for a few hours or missing for 3 days. I have been living with this for so long and I have had enough. I want to know how to stop getting so anxious about this as I can't do anything about it. His behaviour improves then gets worse again, and I find it really hard to stay calm. Luckily DD is at a sleepover so she doesn't have to worry or see me worried.

We have family therapy and a lot of support from friends, family and school. DH is brilliant, and he doesn't get as worried about DS, or if he does he doesn't get upset like I do. I want to be able to turn my feelings off and not care. I just feel so angry that DS cannot manage the simplest of requests - basically to keep in touch when he's out, let me know when he thinks he will be back and let me know if he's running late. Is this unreasonable? I don't think it is but I feel like I get so much conflicting advice I have no idea if that's fair or not.

I know teenagers are notorious for being unreliable and doing stupid things and not taking anyone else's feelings into account. How does everyone else cope though?

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moita · 29/08/2022 22:05

No advice OP but you sound like an incredible mu. You aren't a robot of course you can't turn your feelings off: you love him.

My heart goes out to you. Do you have the friend's number or their parents?

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 29/08/2022 22:23

I don't have that friend's number and apparently there is only a dad there who also smokes weed. I can't change any of this behaviour, so how do I come to terms with it?

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 29/08/2022 22:29

Read this book, do you know about Therapeutic Parenting? The NAOTP have wonderful helplines/Listening Circles. They absolutely get it.

www.amazon.co.uk/Unofficial-Guide-Therapeutic-Parenting-Years/dp/1785921746

How to accept this is what life is like now

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hashbrownsandwich · 29/08/2022 22:34

No advice and I wouldn't begin to even try but I wanted to send you a hug and tell you you're an abasing human being x

hashbrownsandwich · 29/08/2022 22:34

*amazing

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 29/08/2022 22:35

I love this book and all her books. We parent as therapeutically as we can - I know that when DS does come back he won't be grounded or shouted at or have anything taken away as this makes absolutely no difference and can damage our relationship.

But I'm devastated that he really can't seem to manage to let me know where he is and I hate this feeling that we are going back to how things were before, where he was going missing all the time and it's days at a time of no sleep and worry and trying to be normal for DD and work.

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converseandjeans · 29/08/2022 22:40

I think it's tricky - nature or nurture. They have done studies on twins & a lot of behaviour is nothing to do with how you raise a child.

As an adopted child you probably have no idea of what his birth parents are like.

His phone is probably out of power. Do you know where he is?

I don't think it's possible to physically stop a child above 13 or so pushing past you to go out. Hopefully he comes home ok 🤞🏻

JanglyBeads · 29/08/2022 22:52

I'm sorry OP. So things had got better, now worse again? Really hard.
What're school like with him?

JanglyBeads · 29/08/2022 22:53

So would he have gone anyway if you'd said No?

SomePosters · 29/08/2022 22:59

I was like this with my mum at that age. I hated feeling like she was trying to pry and wanted my private life from her.

we are really close now though just needed to assert myself some space from her to grown into

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 29/08/2022 22:59

He would have gone anyway yes. Although what's annoyed me today is that I said he could go, and I also said he could stay for the evening as long as he let me know. So he's not doing anything I wouldn't have allowed, but I have said I don't want him staying over as I don't know the family at all. His phone could be out of battery but it's unlikely as it's a brick phone which holds a charge for about a week. He is hopefully just having a smoke with this friend and will be back later.

I'm not actually worried that he has come to any harm, I'm worried because he can't seem to stick to any rules even the most basic ones like let me know when you're going to be back. Ive always said to my kids that I will only call them if I really need to but that I expect them to answer if I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 29/08/2022 23:00

To the PP who asked about school, he attends a special school for kids with SEMH/behaviour issues. He's doing well but doesn't have that many friends.

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SNWannabe · 29/08/2022 23:19

Oh wow @ThisIsNotARealAvo i really
feel for you all. The teenage years are bloody hard, and even more so for adopted children and their parents.
what do the therapists you’ve worked with before say about this all? Any tips that might work?
I feel your desire to “want to be able to turn my feelings off and not care”. Is key here. Turning your feelings off might NOT mean you don’t care though. It means recognising that your feelings are yours (and they are a result of the experiences YOU have and the attachments YOU formed) and that they might not be helpful ones for the situation you face with your son (whose feelings are not yours and experiences are not the same).
i think on one level you know this- you said yourself “I feel so angry that DS cannot manage basically to keep in touch when he's out, let me know when he thinks he will be back and let me know if he's running late.” CANNOT is key here. Not WILL not. He can’t. He is damaged by events out with his control that weren’t your actions. But you are the person being punished now sadly. You say “But I'm devastated that he really can't seem to manage to let me know where he is”… is that fair? To feel devastated by something he can’t do. Switch that to something physical- a blind son, would you say you were devastated he couldn’t see the beautiful painting you made him? Maybe you could be devastated but there would be no blame there. So maybe you can feel devastated on one level but separate that from him… he is no more able to give you this consideration than he would be to see if he were blind.
You mention “we are going back to how things were before, where he was going missing all the time and it's days at a time of no sleep and worry and trying to be normal for DD and work” and that sounds really rough… but what changes are you in control of that could lessen or stop this descending into that scenario? Like Find My Phone activated so you can see where he is without him needing to tell you? No expectations of him- you don’t really need to know for making tea etc. Not really. Take some of the pressure off but in a loving way- don’t make any of this a rejection. Make it a loving and trusting move… I’d like to know you’re safe, what can we do to help you stay safe?
I hope something of this can help a little. I do feel for you all.

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 29/08/2022 23:32

Thanks for your reply. Yes I think you're right that he can't do these things, I want to be more like DH who is more relaxed about it and thinks that this is a "bump in the road". I just find it so difficult to manage.

He is massively traumatised and had lots of very bad early experiences, which he never talks about. I know he can't understand how I feel and can't take my feelings into consideration really, but I am feeling tired of it all and I wish I could just let it be water off a duck's back like DH does. I get that I don't have any control over what happens and I hate that feeling.

OP posts:
Redburnett · 29/08/2022 23:37

TBH if a teenage boy not making contact is reducing you to tears then it sounds as though you might need medical help. I mean that kindly.

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 29/08/2022 23:41

Maybe I do need medical help. One time when he did this he had gone to Bristol as part of a county lines operation and was gone for 3 days before the police happened to raid the trap house and arrested them all. I think it's made me more anxious as a result. I thought all the discussions and interventions we have had from police, SW, safer London team, youth offending team, therapeutic service at school etc was working, but obviously not. So we are going round in circles of settled behaviour, then some dangerous behaviour leading to referrals etc, then a brief settled period and now back to this again.

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Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 30/08/2022 11:43

DS did not come back last night. DH has driven over to where we think he is. No idea if he will be there or if he will want to come back. I think this other family are very similar to his birth family and he feels like belongs in a family like that as it's familiar.

I feel a bit better this morning. A few months ago when DS was missing a lot I was getting better at thinking 'well he's going to do what he does, all we can do is our best, no point worrying about things we can't control'. But maybe that's not a healthy way to be either.

Thanks to everyone who has read or replied, it's helping jus writing it all out.

OP posts:
MinnieMouseclubhouse · 30/08/2022 19:55

Any news @ThisIsNotARealAvo ?

Idk if this is helpful or unhelpful, but if you could draw a graph of his (mis) behaviour would it be going up in general, or down? Or staying the same?

CrapBucket · 30/08/2022 20:01

Massive massive hugs for you. Do you think maybe because DH is so calm about it, part of you thinks he is Too Calm and you are taking on his share of worry too? How would you feel if he said that he is also worried and concerned? Maybe a little bit less alone? I am just wondering if your DH is 'being strong for you' and actually not admitting his feelings.

I hope your DS is soon found safe and well xxx

NuffSaidSam · 30/08/2022 20:07

I hope DS turns up safe and sound soon.

I just wanted to say that I'm a nanny and some of my previous charges are in their teens now. These are kids from absolute privilege in every sense, loving home, involved parents, private school, every club and activity you could think of, but can they message their parents to let them know if they staying out for dinner or when they'll be back or to let them know they've been delayed? No, absolutely not and their parents are tearing their hair out at their inability to follow even a basic request too. On this specific issue I think a large part is just being a teenager!

BastardChild · 30/08/2022 20:10

converseandjeans · 29/08/2022 22:40

I think it's tricky - nature or nurture. They have done studies on twins & a lot of behaviour is nothing to do with how you raise a child.

As an adopted child you probably have no idea of what his birth parents are like.

His phone is probably out of power. Do you know where he is?

I don't think it's possible to physically stop a child above 13 or so pushing past you to go out. Hopefully he comes home ok 🤞🏻

Pretty poor taste trying to blithely lay the blame on "bad genes",

He'a massively traumatised and struggling to find his place in the world, low self esteem means he's got very little regard for his own safety and is self sabotaging. He's being let down by the system again, sorry OP, I hope something comes along, but we know how that's going.

Papergirl1968 · 30/08/2022 20:12

I'm an adopter and I put my younger dd back into care when she was 15 because she was doing exactly this sort of thing and I couldn't keep her safe.
I hope he comes back soon.
Unmumsnetty hugs x

NewtoHolland · 30/08/2022 20:28

Would you be open to exploring counselling or therapy to have a space to let all of this out?
I'd have a chat gently with him each time and just say something like, Ive got a problem and I need your help, I love you an awful lot, it really matters to me that you are OK. Stuff like yesterday makes me worry so much and I don't want you to feel hounded or that I'm having a go. Any ideas what we can try to help us so you get to have fun and have freedom but I get to know you are OK?
He will come through this bit by bit 💜

Original poster
ThisIsNotARealAvo · 30/08/2022 21:38

DH managed to find him and bring him back. By that I mean he got in the car without any fuss. He's now chilling in his room. DH had a chat in the car with him - according to DS his phone was not working and this does seem to be true. But he doesn't understand that in that case he should borrow a phone or come back. He easily could have got home last night if he had to. He has Oyster card, debit card and knows his way around very well. It's this thing of just not thinking.

Thanks to everyone who posted and has been thinking of us. I am considering all the responses and I definitely think I'm going to get some counselling as I may be over reacting to normal teenage behaviour.

DS seems very tired and quiet (comedown/hangover presumably) but I know that in a day or two he will open up about what he was thinking and we will be able to have a good chat. We will carry on moving two steps forward and one step back!

Thanks again everyone, the support I've had has been fantastic and so helpful.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 30/08/2022 21:54

Just to say, OP, I really don't think you are overreacting. Every single one of us would struggle/panic/be traumatised in these circs and the fact that you are able broadly to stick to therapeutic parenting most of the time says much about you as a mother. You are doing brilliantly.The fact that DH is able to 'let it go' to a degree is something to be grateful for, not to use as a stick to beat yourself with for being 'too invested'. County lines is no bloody joke and the poster who cruelly suggested you overreacted must know as much.

I do think you should try and access some support just for you through CAMHS though - not to learn how to be more relaxed and hands-off but to process the very traumatic things you have been through yoursefl, as a result of DS's own trauma responses. The result might be that you are able to dial down your panic, but that would not be teh point of the exercise which would simply be to give yourself a space to process what you have been through.