No Rules Parenting

[CJan32]

After watching a couple of TV programs on the subject we thought we give it a go, much to the horror of my parents/

Anyone on here practice this type of parenting?

Daughter is 6 nearly 7.

• [ last line redacted at OP's request]

What, literally no rules?! Does your dc go to school?

What could possibly go wrong?

What do you do if they run into a busy road? Try to stick their hand on a lit hob? Play with knives?

Club their sibling over the head? Play with broken glass, run off on a busy road or car park? Not sure I understand the no rules, as if it’s literally no rules, I’d say it was negligence verging on child abuse. I think it would be good if you clarified!

Is that a real thing? Surely not possible. What evidence did these programmes give that this is an effective parenting strategy?!

Bit concerned with the PM invite, if you wanted answers then surely the forum would be better? Are you asking for someone to privately talk to you about possible scenarios for child abuse?

Good luck. My son is autistic and we need rules on fucking everything in our house, mainly implemented by said child. Even down to the order of how he gets dressed and how he eats his dinner.

Children need boundaries - before you follow this through please read the psychology around why children actually love being told what to do (to a certain extent) - it creates safety, security and a sense of being loved and being cared for - especially at your daughter's age - children like to know what's right and what's wrong, what's safe and what isn't, what they're allowed and not allowed to do - there's so much research behind this, please please look into it!!

From what I've seen, it can only exist in isolation so you would have to remove your child and yourself from mainstream society, given its rules and laws. It would also then be very difficult for your child to rejoin society after 12 years of doing what she wanted, when she wanted. One of the biggest examples in the UK also resulted in children who were so academically poor that a teenager was almost illiterate.

It's nonsense based on the idea that some adults remember being told they can't do something and had to do something else and they never want that for their kids... it just sounds like absent parenting to me.

Personally, I think it creates anxiety in children to have too much responsibility at a young age

I think it’s a sure fire way to psychologically fuck up your kids. Human children are not wired for no rules. No rules essentially means no adults that care. An adult in charge is an adult that sets rules - if an adult is not properly in charge there is no real safety and security. Why would anyone do that to their child? Overwhelming them with personal decision making which they are not mature enough for, and subconsciously sending out the message that you basically don’t give a shit? It’s psychological abuse.

Legality? You're legally responsible for your children as they don't yet have the intellectual/emotional capability to decide right from wrong themselves.

So, no, it's a really bad idea. It's called "can't be arsed" parenting/gentle parenting and whilst I'm sure you're a journalist - you need to think that some people who are more vulnerable than you, may listen to the advice and end up having social services round.

I know someone who wouldn't say they do this but basically they have brought up their child without any rules. She's now an adult and seems well -adjusted but she pushed every button and what would normally be boundaries from about 8-20. Honestly she was a nightmare. I totally 100% believe she was pushing to see whether her parents loved her enough to say "no you can't do that" and they never ever did. I felt really sorry for her. Her parents just said "we have to trust her" but she was literally running wild at 12. Her parents still don't see that they did anything wrong but loving parents put rules in place...

Wasn't expecting so much negativity!

We seemed to be in conflict with our daughter all the time making her eat greens and fruit, there was bed time and screen limit times and so on. Past few weeks we just allowed things to happen.

I wondered about other peoples experiences, of that type of parenting.

Tried to edit out the request for PMs but couldn't find a way, if any mods are reading this!

How’s it working out for you?

Is she voluntarily eating greens, brushing her teeth, getting off screens and going to bed?

Kids need boundaries, it's a ridiculous notion. What happens when she goes back to school?

AnneLovesGilbert · Today 23:41

How’s it working out for you?
Is she voluntarily eating greens, brushing her teeth, getting off screens and going to bed?

It is far more relaxed, she eats some fruit, after the first week she goes to bed fine although at different times, screen time, spends more time watching TV but not all the time. Brushes teeth fine, her hair sometimes she doesn't want to brush her hair

I left my children alone (I was 5m away looking at a statue) and they dismantled a dry stone wall to build a their own (very brilliant although entirely inappropriate) dry stone tower.

Children need boundaries and they need them enforcing because without them they will just find ways that you can’t even think of to make you cross.

Give choices where appropriate, it’s the holidays so limits for screen time are a bit flexible surely?
bribe the hell out of greens and fruit.

Find the path of least resistance that gets you what you want.

Well I have an 8 year old that would stay on her iPad all day, eat nothing but cheese on toast and stay up literally all night watching YouTube… plus she would NEVER shower, never brush her teeth and would probably pee herself several times
a day if not reminded to go to the toilet. She would be nigh on illiterate because she would never go to school and she would be dressed like a baby prostitute (judging by this afternoon’s altercation about her not being allowed to go to Tesco and the park wearing a leopard print leotard)

so no. I have 3 dc. Very bad idea

I know a lady socially who raised two children this way. No rules and radical unschooling.

Last time I talked to her about them her 17 year old ds had been sent to live with his dad permanently as he was physically aggressive towards her and she could no longer handle this. He did, however, do quite well academically and went to college I think.

Her 15 year old dd was better socially and they had a good relationship but as she had never shown an interest she couldn't read or write at all and didn't know what plus and minus signs in maths stood for.

So overall not really a glowing example.

So basically you're finding it hard to say "no" to your kid when you think they've enough screen time, or you don't like it when they get upset that you tell them they have to eat their veg/go to bed?

Suck it up. You're a parent. You need to be setting boundaries and rules. Look for different ways to get her to eat her veg - doesn't want to eat broccoli, ok ask her to pick which veg she wants instead. But make it clear, she has to eat x amount of veg.

Put a clock up, or a timer on so she knows when to expect screen time to end. Or give a 5/10 minute warning rather than going straight to "switch off". Find something else to do after screen time that she looks forward to perhaps? Or set a routine.

Maybe make it that it's screen time after dinner only if she's eaten her veg?

Bed time tell her if she doesn't go to bed, the next night will be 15 mins earlier, and the following night 15 mins earlier again until she starts going to bed on time. Make sure her bedtime isn't too late that she's gotten over tired. Have a strict no screens in the bedroom rule. Get her involved in picking a bedtime story to read.

But be the god damn parent. Your child NEEDS you to parent her. You don't show her rules, boundaries and consequences, what happens later in life when a man pressures her into sex because it's what he wants and she's only ever seen demonstrated that you never say no?

I think you need to relax on the amount of rules… give her options inside your rules. Ok so you have an hour of screens, do you want tv, Xbox, tablet etc.

what do you fancy for dinner? You need a carb, protein and veg- you choose!

what do you fancy doing today? Go out and do an activity (your choice) or stay home (and bake/paint/ watch a film)

there is room for individuality within rules. It doesn’t need to be a fight or flight reaction

In other words..you’ve given up…..it’s too hard to parent so go for the easy option. Another screwed up kid in the making ffs.

So your kid decides to set fire to the cat and you sit there saying "that's nice dear". Fucking barking.

Children need rules they thrive off them but it's a choice to pick your battles so what if she doesn't like green vegetables if she eats other vegetables then that's great but always offer new ones on the side same with the fruit it doesn't need to be a battle.

Bed time is essential especially for school she can't be going tired because she's stayed up til midnight.