Breastfeeding/formula guilt

[expectingourmiracle]

I have a beautiful one month old daughter who at the moment is mixed fed. I started breastfeeding exclusively but my milk took a long time to come in so I ended up topping up with formula. Since my milk has come in I've tried to reduce the number of formula bottles she has, but the constant breastfeeding is exhausting me.

She feeds for up to an hour at a time (sometimes having to be topped up with formula if still hungry on the advice of the doctor due to slow weight gain), then has a break of an hour before wanting to feed again. Sometimes she will sleep in that hour, other times she won't, which means I can go without sleep all night. I know this can be typical of breastfeeding, but I'm struggling to cope with the lack of sleep, so much so it's causing me major anxiety. I've tried numerous helplines and seen specialists who all seem to give different advice. It's a minefield and I hate it. I want to give up but feel so guilty because 'breast is best' and I don't want to put her at any harm.
I don't really know what I'm asking... just looking for a handhold

Are you drinking loads of water? If I've not drunk much in a day I normally notice a difference in output when I pump. She might get more milk and less likely to need formula. And important to let her nurse as frequently as she likes as that will help build up supply.

Both my DDs were formula fed. They are now both in their 20s and fit and healthy. The only times either of them has seen our GP in their entire lives is for routine vaccinations, contraception and one DD for acne.

I hate the term breast is best. I breastfed for the first week. I was recovering from a c section and was particularly unwell at the end of my pregnancy. I was suffering and my dh suggested formula feeding. The moment I mentioned this to the infant feeding team they freaked out and told me all the ‘damage’ I’d be doing to my baby. I was on a lot of medication and my specialist told me it was dangerous for me to continue breast feeding so I had to stop. My baby is fully formula fed. She’s 5 months and very happy! I received no support from the infant feeding team and whenever I tell people my baby is formula fed people just jump to the conclusion that I didn’t ‘stick at it long enough’
Do what is best for you! Your mental health is important, combi feeding for your baby is great! My formula fed baby couldn’t be picked out of a crowd of breastfed babies. I actually think it’s time we supported all parents. There are pros and cons for breast feeding and formula feeding but at the end of the day the most important things are the mothers wellbeing and the babies well being!

Had this agony myself 15 years ago. I really feel for you because, if I look for them, the negative feelings I had are still there. Fortunately my academically strong, sporty healthy girl seems to be doing fine despite it. We have a strong bond too. Always have had.
Be gentle with yourself. There's so much shit around on this to make you feel bad. Try your best to insulate yourself from it. I know how hard that is.

If course I know babies need formula if there is no breast milk for top-ups, but the original post implied the doctor had suggested going straight to formula top-ups as opposed to suggesting to try and express for top-ups first. I may have misunderstood but that’s how I read it.

This is what annoys me about some professionals - they push the ‘breast is best message’ but then they don’t actually support women to do it once the baby is born and then when there are breast feeding difficulties the go-to answer from the professionals is to give formula anyway. The whole issue around breastfeeding versus formula causes women to have so much misplaced guilt

And as your post details, different professionals will give out different advice (i.e you being told that giving formula won’t affect a milk supply) so it’s just even more of a minefield.

It’s no surprise that breastfeeding nearly breaks some women and it’s tragic when women put themselves through hell to try and breastfeed and yet still feel like they’ve failed if it doesn’t work out. It’s such a sad situation.

The opposite actually @DreamToNightmare I was told by multiple medical professionals antenatally that formula was unnecessary, even one bottle causes 'damage', all women can EBF and that everything will be fine as long as you BF immediately, BF on demand and do loads of S2S.

I then had five days after the birth of midwives and lactation consultant constantly hectoring me to keep BFIng, the latch/positioning was fine etc but keep going as supply and demand, every time I queried my baby's behaviour. My baby was then readmitted seriously ill with hypernatraemic dehydration and had to be tube fed formula to save her life. She was in SCBU for four days and I was put on triple feeding. There was zero thought to how I was feeling.

There are far too many women not being prepared for the reality - that not everyone can EBF and the risk factors to look out for. For many of us EBF is a totally unrealistic goal and we shouldn't be encouraged to set it. There is shedloads of support for BFing - as with other people upthread, I had access to loads of it. I saw NHS and NCT lactation consultants, was pressured by HV to keep BFing and went to a (seriously miserable) BFing support group but never got above 50% supply even after my milk came in at eight weeks. None of these people would provide any support whatsoever for combi-feeding or formula feeding so all these women doing this are being left unsupported and thinking they've failed when it's BFIng promotion that has failed them.

Like I said, it’s a big case of different professionals giving out different advice.

For every woman like you who is told not to give formula there will be another woman somewhere being told that formula is necessary.

Some professionals push for EBF which results in women and babies being failed (like in your case) and other women are pushed to use formula when it’s not needed and they are failed too.

Sadly it’s the professionals and their stances that fail the women.

Professionals need to just back off and let women make their own decisions about what is best for them.

It’s terrifying to think that women are having their feeding choices made for them to the point where they feel they don’t have the right or power (struggling to think of the correct term to use) to decide for themselves what is best.

The benefits of breast over bottle most definitely DO NOT trump your own well being. Your baby needs you well and able to cope. I bottle fed both mine and both have had fewer illnesses over the years than some of my friends’ entirely breast fed babies.

Thanks again everyone for your replies.
Just to add a bit more information, she was 6lb6 at birth and dropped to 5lb11 which is why the doctor advised to top up. I've tried expressing with very little luck. Occasionally I'll get 40ml, but usually it's less than 20ml, if anything.
She seems to be feeding a little better now and going slightly longer between feeds, but the problem is she is awake ALL the time. She has one 3 hour sleep in the evening and the rest of the time naps for 10 minutes here and there. She's so tired she's started to get bags under her eyes 😢 I've tried singing, rocking, bathing, cuddles, putting her in her crib. Nothing works. She's not necessarily crying, she's just not sleeping. Does this mean I'm not feeding her well enough? As soon as I see the cues I put her on the breast and feed her until she's finished/asleep (at least 10 mins, max 40) and she's still doing wet and dirty nappies.

That's some great progress.

For daytime sleep I found that a nice long walk in the pram usually sent them off and kept them that way. It was good for me too.

As was a late afternoon snuggle together. In fact my baby book suggested this for breastfeeding. It helps you rest and produce milk and everyone gets a snuggle. They suggested getting into a soap or box set and to watch it together with your feet up.