Four year old constantly kissing me

[NotMyDayJob]

How can I kindly and constructively ask my nearly five year old to stop kissing me.

We are a cuddly and affectionate family so she is hopefully already getting a lot of love and attention but she has developed this thing where she runs up to me and kisses whatever exposed skin she can see, so just my arm, or my leg or hand or whatever and she does it several times an hour. It's probably linked to having a recent baby arrive (6 months) but she is still getting attention and time with us and I'll be honest this kissing this is driving me up the wall. it makes me skin crawl and and I need to do something constructive before I shout.

Just say "oooh I don't feel like kisses right now, can I get a big "I love you mummy!!" instead??"

Keep it cheery and breezy.

It’s making your skin crawl? Wtf. As above, just suggest something else.

Teach her how to write you a love letter instead! Otherwise make the most of it as one day you will miss that.

I find the op’s post quite sad. I’m sure it won’t go on forever, she’s probably just needing reassured after the new arrival.

OP, do you have PND? Are you "touched out" from all the physical contact of baby and bigger one? I remember when I was breastfeeding my youngest any uninvited personal touch from anyone set my teeth on edge. I really struggled with all the demands on my body.

It's perfectly fine to teach your four year old about bodily autonomy. My three year old knows "if someone says no about their body, we listen". (He had a phase of pretending to be a dog and licking me and dad. Bleurgh.)

First off though I'd redirect some of the kisses to high fives. High fives are good for other people to receive from them too. Teach her it's something that cool big kids do. (Mine loves the whole, "down below" "ha! Too slow!" Part of high fives too.) Try and switch some of the physical contact to that first. It's still a nice way for her to check in with you frequently and physically, she's bound to be needing that with a new baby but it doesn't have to be constant uninvited kisses.

But I think early talks from a young age about everyone's bodies being their own is a very good topic and concept to introduce. It helps them advocate their own bodily autonomy too. eg someone they're not overly comfortable with asking them for a kiss or a hug they should feel they can decline.

Perhaps look also at kids picture books on this topic and use them as story time while you're feeding the baby she can sit next to you for story time.

I’m assuming it ‘makes her skin crawl’ because she is feeling touched out, very normal after a new baby. Any extra touch, no matter how loving, can feel too much.

Tell her to stop and teach her to ask permission. It's a good opportunity to teach her about consent and bodily autonomy. It works both ways.

My 4yo would be sat on me all day long if she could, drives me nuts, especially when it's been so hot and she's so sticky. Lots of "no, mummy doesn't want a cuddle right now, can we have a high five instead". She's very cuddly with friends as well so I model asking for hugs and kisses too.

I'm not talking about the occasional peck on the cheek I'm talking about walking up to me without warning and kissing all along the length of my arm, or across the back of my neck or down my leg and doing that 5/6 times an hour every hour we are together while she's awake (which as it's the school holidays is quite a lot). This is as well as telling me she loves me every five minutes. She doesn't stop talking and if there's a gap she fills it by telling me she loves me. That's on top of normal cuddling etc that you might do with a four year old.

Yes I am feeling touched out a bit as I am breastfeeding the baby, and I can cope with all of it (no PND or anything) I just really don't like the kissing. I don't mind the normal kissing and cuddling at all.

Thank you those of you with helpful and kind advice.

Poor little thing it sounds like she's absolutely desperate for reassurance at the moment. Can you hand the baby over and go out for a bit just the two of you? Special trip out for big girls? I did this every few days with my toddler when the baby arrived and it made a huge difference.

@NotMyDayJob jeez calm down! Hope you’re not reacting that way to your toddler!

My dd10 kisses me a lot. Lays on me etc. kissing on the neck arms legs etc would be a bit uncomfortable as it's not usual for a child to kiss there so I get where you're coming from.

She's probably a little insecure about the new baby.

Could be worse. My five year old licks me.

No I'm not, as I've said I've come here to ask for advice before I shout. People like you making nasty comments don't help.

They're quite wet kisses 🤢

Tickle her back she'll soon stop 😂Tickle her every single time!

I can absolutely empathise OP, same circs. No advice but I try to make sure older one has plenty of attention and affection from me. And those of you with the sarky comments above get the biggest fuck off from me.

It's really tricky because baby is breastfed and won't take a bottle but we will be weaning in a couple of weeks and I do try and carve out time where I can for her. She's a really lovely little girl and I love being with her. I just can't bear the kissing.

I suspect she is reacting to seeing you physically touching the new baby so much. She sees the baby being in close physical contact to you for a lot of time (carrying, feeding etc) and wants the same for herself. Can you do activities with her on your lap? Reading etc to give her the physical touch she is after?

Sounds like she is feeling insecure. The sooner you can get the baby onto a bottle and have some much needed mummy-daughter time, the better.

I would tell her you like cuddles not kisses. (Don’t say I don’t like kisses, just say what you like). And every time she does it, remind her “cuddles”! Mummy’s favourite cuddles! Or something like that.

Why? I breastfed my youngest and having a bottle or not didn’t change my eldest getting jealous! Plus as the baby gets older, they’ll need much less feeding.
His sibling was here to stay so I worked on ways of managing that - it’ll be one thing or another. Instead of focusing on that thing, I focussed on building the relationship between them as siblings and got my eldest more involved.

What about a jokey 'Ew, sloppy kisses! Run away, run away!'?
Or saying 'Here comes the kissy monster!'
Maybe 'I meet your kissy monster with a tickle bug!', and make a grab for her.
'If you kiss me, I'll squish you!'

Sometimes the recognition is all that's needed to divert the behaviour.

As long as there's lots of love and affection, you can divert energy into different playful actions. It doesn't have to be negative.

I don’t think is good advice. Passive aggressive tickling is quite confusing actually. Are you instigating a game? But surely not as it’s not nice. Mixed messages for DD. Better advice above

If she does it you call tell her you love her lots but don’t like wet kisses and suggest an alternative that works for you. Maybe ask her if she’d like a big hug instead?