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Parenting

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Original poster

is having an only child selfish?

34 replies

spottyzebra · 21/01/2008 14:24

hi dd is 7 months old and the light of my life

before i had dd, i would of done anything to have a baby, but just don't feel that strongly about having another

to those with more than one, was your desire to have more children as strong as your desire to have the following children?

aslo i think my feelings may stem from feeling 2nd best after my brother he was the favourite, am i worried i may have favouries as i cannotimagine loving anyone as much as dd, or loving another child more

i know dd is only 7 months so i may feel differently in time, also i had a fairly difficult pregnancy and birth so that maybe be part of the reason that puts me off

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FluffyMummy123 · 21/01/2008 14:25

Message withdrawn

posieflump · 21/01/2008 14:27

I only wanted one until ds was about 18 months. Then the hormones kicked in and I got broody again.
Lots of posters on here have just one child and are perfectly fine with their situation. It isn't selfish, it is entirely up to you.

NoIHaventChangedMyName · 21/01/2008 14:27

7 months is very young. But yes my need for another was as strong as the need 1st time around! I wouldn't like to judge whether one is selfish - everyone has very different reasons for what they do. I was an only child and believed it was important for DS to have a sibling.And now he has its fab.

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Hulababy · 21/01/2008 14:28

No it isn't.

There are pros and cons of having any number of children.

Siblings may or may not get on, either as children or as adults.

You may not be able to get pregnant a second time or it may take time.

Some parents have favourites, others do not. Some children pick up on these to varying derees.

There is no such thing as a typical only child, same as there is no such thing as a typical eldest child, youngest child, etc.

Enjoy what you do have now, and if and when you decide whether to have a second child - do it for you, not for your first child.

Hulababy · 21/01/2008 14:29

By the way, loads of threads on this topic with lots f views, opinions and thoughts - might be worth a search whilst waiting for answers here.

posieflump · 21/01/2008 14:29

only child thread

colditz · 21/01/2008 14:30

No.

I felt selfish when I was pregnant with number 2 - but what they lose they gain in other things.

Plus, you are describing exactly my fear of having another - and I don't love my older one less. You don't need to cut some love from your older one to give to the younger - it doesn't worl like that ... they bring their own love with them. You feel just as well about the elder child as you ever did.

It allows you to see the child your oldest has become - I went into hospital and left a 3 year old baby behind - and I came home to a 3 year old child.

Blu · 21/01/2008 14:30

It only ends in tears if you contribute, Cod!

posieflump · 21/01/2008 14:31

and another, does only child = lonely child

bero · 21/01/2008 14:32

Goodness gracious, why selfish? I have two and wanted both desperately, and would like 1 or 2 more, but equally I have a friend who was wondering whether she wanted a second and really wasn't sure, until she became pregnant unexpectedly. She's delighted with her ds2 but says if it hadn't happened she probably would have been happy with one.

Tbh, while siblings can be wonderful things, I don't think a child who grows up without any is necessarily deprived or doomed. For both dh and me, our friends are closer to us than our siblings.

pooka · 21/01/2008 14:33

It isn't selfish to have one. Is a personal decision.
But:
a) your dd is only 7 months. Personally I didn't really get the urge to have another until dd was about 14 months

b) yes you may worry that you will never love another baby as much as your first, but IME, despite having worried when ds was first born about the impact on dd, I love them both entirely, completely and utterly. They are different children, chalk and cheese, and I love everyting about them (though could do without dd's dramatics and ds's thumping).

Having more than 1 was, for me, about adding to all our lives, not diminishing dd's existence in any way. Seeing her and ds loving each other, playing together and hysterically laughing has been amazing.

kindersurprise · 21/01/2008 14:35

I started to think about another child when DD was around a 1.5yo. Then I fell pregnant (not TTC) and the decision was taken out of my hand.

My second pregnancy was different to the first, one does not have so much time for navel-gazing when there is toddler in the house.

The first couple of months were much more difficult, as we had moved house and I had no friends or family living nearby. I did not have the carefree 6 months that I remember having with DD. I did suffer a bit from PND though, so it was a dark period of my life.

Hmm, not making this sound very attractive am I?. Sorry, but the first year was trying, after that it got much better. Now the DCs are 3 and 5 and so much fun, they play really well together and love each other to bits.

There is no feeling of favouritism, I am a bit emotionaly closer to DS, he is a real mummys boy, and DD is a daddys girl. But I do strive to treat them the same.

There is an cheesy saying about having another child, that your love is not divided it is multiplied. A bit cheesy but true. I feel our family is complete.

If you decide not to have another child, then that is your decision and you should not feel bad about it.

Original poster

spottyzebra · 21/01/2008 14:50

yes i think thats true hulababy, that its like most things in life there are pros and cons to whatever number of children you have

i only would consider having another if my desire to have nother was as strong as it was before dd

alot of this is down to my own upbringing as im terrified of having favorites and dd or future child feeling the way i felt

maybe ill have that desire again when dd is older or goes to school, as ill probably miss her like crazy
im 30 so i don't mind thinking about it in 5 years or so

its just everyone seems to be asking me when im having another,and when i say im not sure, they seem geniunly horrified

also tbh im scared because i had a difficult pregnancy and birth and i know it sounds wimpish/selfish, just not sure id want to go through all that again

thanks for links looking at them now

OP posts:

Original poster

spottyzebra · 21/01/2008 14:52

when i say im not sure if i want another
that was ment to say

OP posts:

Original poster

spottyzebra · 21/01/2008 15:58

does anyone have any good sugguestions of what i can say, when asked whens the next

so far ive thought of saying [only to the rude ones] im more than happy with what i have,what i find sad is peopl never being satisfied and always wanting more.

OP posts:

pooka · 21/01/2008 16:05

Perhaps just say "when we're ready".
I personally found that my yearning for a baby was different with ds than it was with dd. I wanted another in a different way IYSWIM - a more educated and informed way in some aspects (i.e. I realised that birth hurts, that sleep deprivation is torture and so on. Was less rose-tinted). A more calculated and less visceral desire. But a desire nonetheless.
I wanted my child to have a sibling/siblings perhaps because I get on well with my brothers (no favouritism shown by my mother) and also because I value greatly the importance of close blood relatives. And that's not to say that that is the right emphasis, but is my point of view.

pooka · 21/01/2008 16:06

Or "we don't have any plans yet". Or "we'll see..."

mumfor1standfinaltime · 21/01/2008 16:06

spottyzebra - it is not selfish to have these feelings.
I have a ds who is 3 and so far I don't have any strong urges for another. I have the odd day where I may wonder what it would be like to be pregnant again or what life would be like with 2, but deep down I am not in a hurry. If I did have another baby then I would be happy, but just not my top priority at the moment. Me and dh have discussed having another too, but we are just undecided!

You also say that you had a difficult birth - me too. I sometimes wonder if this has an effect on my feelings, but not sure. I have recently contacted the birth trauma association (on the net) and have been chatting to someone on there, maybe this would help.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 21/01/2008 16:09

I hate when people ask 'are you having anymore then?'
Like having 'another one'is just liking buying a new skirt or shopping for a new car! Ah yes, I will take the blonde little girl please with blue eyes...!

SpacecadetOnADiet · 21/01/2008 16:13

im an only child..my parents split up before the oppurtunity arose for mum to have more children, by the time she met her new husband I was 12 and she felt that the chance had passed her by..I wasnt fussed one way or the other..im sure it would have been nice to have siblings..but at the same time..Im perfectly content to be an only child.

saying that, you may change your mind later at some point as your LO is still quite young

princessosyth · 21/01/2008 16:14

I am constantly asked if I am planning another one. I don't mind if people are just being nosey but I get so cross when my cousin asks, she asks every time I see her and its usually yelled at me across a crowded room and when I shrug my shoulders she always makes a big fuss about how I am not getting any younger and tells me to go and get myself checked at the doctors. What annoys me even more is she always says to ds "Oh you would love a little brother or sister wouldn't you? your mummy and daddy are being mean aren't they?" It makes me so flippin mad I must come up with a really witty put down to make in response.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 21/01/2008 16:17

princessosyth - that sort of comment I would certainly not put up with! That is bloody cheeky!

It annoys me when people ask as they always presume that you can have another.How do people not know you haven't been trying for ages?

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/01/2008 16:18

dd is an only child (12) and likes it that way. A couple of months ago I sat her down for a serioud chat (a friend had died and I was breaking the news to her). Before she knew what it was about she looked at me in abject horror and said 'oh no, your not pregnant are you?'

I like having an only child. But people do think it is thier perfect right to question your judgement about it. Ignore them.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/01/2008 16:19

you're, not your

Blu · 21/01/2008 17:24

Princess - I wouldn't think of a witty putdown to that sort of behaviour - I would tell her seriously and directly to stop it.

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