Page 2 | New mum struggling

usagimoon · 2022-08-20T19:03:34+00:00

Hi, I've found myself reading mumsnet threads for ages just finding anyone who feels the way I feel right now and thought I would start my own! I just typed this all out and lost the post argh!! I'm a new mum to a 3 week old girl, I love her so much it hurts. Pregnancy was breeze, labour was intense but okay. Once I was home, I felt super chilled, in a newborn bubble, she didn't really cry, although I found breastfeeding quite hard, I felt chained to the sofa etc but once I realised this is normal, I embraced it. I had a few tears and wobbles but I was pretty calm and chill. Last week I had to go to hospital for 24hours as I had a massive bleed, I feel this was the start of the set back, I was prescribed anti biotics incase of infection. Fast forward to now, 3 weeks in, I feel like im crumbling. I feel guilty for even feeling like this! She's starting to get really bad gas, not sleeping, crying alot in the day, feeding non stop, getting angry and fussy at the Breast, I feel like I was nailing breast feeding and I'm back at square one. Finding myself daydreaming about just packing it in and using formula but I know I don't want to do that She's also developed a really sore bum, she's pooing constantly and full of gas, her bum is red and angry, I took her to the GP who said it was like an acid burn from all the pooing she is doing possibly from my antibiotics, bto stop using water wipes, use cotton wool and water and the Bethpathen. I feel like a failure as it breaks my heart to see it. I changed her nappy brand just in case the pampers were inflaming it. I feel so responsible and just feel awful about it. She's crying a lot in the day and I'm finding it so hard. It breaks my heart. I've cried every day this week, when she cries, I cry. I feel useless, my mum has been staying here this week and I feel like she's judging my parenting when I know deep down she isn't. My partner had been amazing, really helpful and supportive with everything, helps with everything minus being able to feed obviously! I just feel down, I want the first week bliss back, I feel anxious, I'm scared I'll get PND, I want to feel confident with what im doing etc. People told me it's hard but I'm finding it REALLY hard. When baby wees when I'm changing her nappy for example and it goes on her clothes and I have to change her again I struggle. I struggle having to wind her and she's crying in what seems like pain. I just feel responsible :( Just a rant really, my first post explained this all better tbh!

Carleton · 21/08/2022 13:42

Hi

Just wanted to suggest a little bit of olive oil in water when cleaning her bum it's great for sore bums/nappy rash.

glowingtwig · 21/08/2022 13:44

Everyone has already written what I would write re advice but I wanted to add that you are doing such a great job. This will end and it will get easier. I promise promise promise it will.

Original poster

usagimoon · 21/08/2022 15:37

Firsttimemama08 · 21/08/2022 11:35

It’s so hard isn’t. You’re not alone though and things will get easier.
for gas I use gripe water (I think baby needs to be 1 month+) it really helps tho.
For burping, some techniques work better than others. Depends on your baby so play around with them all and you will soon find one that works the best. For weeks I was patting my baby’s back waiting for a burp, until I realised a stomach massage was much more effective for him.
Re breastfeeding. Yep it’s so so so hard, but again, it does get easier. You could feed baby in an upright position, this will also help with gas.
if you are feeling really overwhelmed and would like a break, pls don’t hesitate to try bottle feeding. If it means saving your sanity, it’s worth it. Plenty of mamas introduce one bottle a day and continue breastfeeding successfully.
i felt the exact same about being judged by your mum (except in my case it was my sister) maybe you would feel better just having some one on one time with your baby in another room? And mum can help by tidying up or cooking you food. Don’t be afraid to ask.
as for the bum situation, I haven’t dealt with that but when my baby’s goes a bit red I always do A LOT of nappy free time. Like 10 minutes X 6 times a day. Make sure to put a towel down!
try and get out for a walk everyday.

It is! Thank you! The winding is a nightmare especially after a night feed and you're exhausted! I do find rubbing her tummy does seem to soothe her actually.
Thanks, nappy off time definitely needed!
And yes, I think time alone with baby is a good idea, I'm introverted anyway so it's been quite a lot!

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usagimoon · 21/08/2022 15:44

summersun222 · 21/08/2022 09:28

@usagimoon hi I have a 4 week old and can relate to some of your post

My baby has become quite unsettled and crying - I'm formula feeding and don't have any advice on the bum situation but I can sympathise with the gas issues

Also I'm here if you want to talk - I feel this can be quite lonely

We are still recovering from childbirth remember
I also had a big bleed and had to have 2 blood transfusions and now on iron tablets

Have you had your iron levels tested? X

Hugs! Really sorry that happened to you aswell :( I didn't have to have a transfusion so that sounds awful for you :(
Yes I have and all is fine. Thank you I'm here if you need to chat aswell! Xx

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usagimoon · 21/08/2022 16:05

Dove88 · 21/08/2022 07:36

Hi op, congratulations on your baby!

I just wanted to add to PP that infacol did nothing for my dd but Dentinox colic drops were a godsend. So if you do try one and it doesn’t do anything, try the other.
Also I had so many people tell me that EBF babies don’t get gas. Ignore that! They absolutely do, my DD is a very gassy baby. The most common reason for her to get fussy at the breast is because she’s gassy.
When I was where you are I wrote a post about feeling tied to the sofa and was overwhelmed with people telling me how normal that is. Don’t feel guilty about not doing enough etc, just relax and enjoy as much as you can.
I don’t know much about the bum issue, my DD is 6 months old now and never had nappy rash until last week when it was super hot weather so that probably isn’t helping.
Hope you feel better soon, mumsnet is an amazing place for support but also try to limit how much time you spend here. You’ll go crazy!

Thank you! I'll have a look into those!
Haha yes there is so much to read on here!! But it's great though, makes you feel less alone - but again as you say not something I want to get overwhelmed with again haha!

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usagimoon · 21/08/2022 16:06

Bango2019 · 21/08/2022 00:38

Oh mum's guilt is the worst, you tend to blame yourself for everything that brings discomfort to your baby. I cried the other day during my baby's 8 week immunisation as I wasn't holding her leg (nurse didn't tell me) and she was asleep but as soon as needle went in her thighs she woke up and moved, so nurse had to poke her twice on one side😢She still has a bruise on her thigh and I blame myself for that. I blamed myself for her not pooing for 6 days in her 1st week, coz she is on combined feeding and I was taking iron supplements, which may cause constipation. I blamed myself for not having proper nipple on my right breast, which could have helped her latch better at the beginning. I blamed myself for not producing enough breast milk and giving her formula. The list goes on...

As for some tips for what we have done with:
• colics - we do bicycle exercise and other similar exercises too + a gentle tummy massage. Tummy time helps a bit with a wind too.
• latching- my baby would not latch on my right breast for a long time. She would scream and cry every time I would offer it to her, so I had to pump on it to keep up with the supply.
• rash- I try to wash her bum at least once during the day and have naked time (like other mums mentioned here) and use bepanthen, if necessary, which works well for us. There nothing like water to combat rash, I have done it with my 1st and we almost never had rash problem. In your case, if your baby is pooing ever so often and you taking antibiotics makes her poo acidic, you could try to wash her bum every time she poops, say for a week, to see if it changes things. For naked time we use pampers's disposable changing mats, you can buy them in Tesco's (12 mats for £5), they are great.
• feeding- I have noticed that babies do change their feeding pattern, like she would eat more some periods and less in other, so don't worry as it's completely normal that your baby has changed in how much she wants to eats.
Good luck and remember that you are doing great and you are not alone in your "bumpy" journey as a mum to a newborn😉😊

Oh bless you!! It's so hard not blame yourself isn't it :(
Thanks for all this advice, that's really great, thank you! :) x

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usagimoon · 21/08/2022 16:07

Ronnii · 20/08/2022 23:06

You're going great. So difficult when they struggle with their tummys.

For the bum, I wanted to recommend trying sudocrem. I had similar problems and babies bum was red raw, I was using bethpanthen. My friend said to switch and that helped.

Aww thank you! Is it the sudacrem in a tub or the barrier cream one?

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usagimoon · 21/08/2022 16:08

PermanentlyTired03 · 20/08/2022 22:52

You are not the worst mum! I remember at that stage my baby had silent reflux and I would sit crying exhausted as she screamed the house down at 3am. It seems eternity ago now but at the time I just wanted to hide somewhere.

I don't have much knowledge on the gas, but make sure you are eating enough- your baby is probably cluster feeding and will get annoyed if your milk isn't fatty enough- I got told off by my midwife as I wasn't eating enough fatty/ calorie full foods.

I found sudocrem was a good barrier cream when rashes were really bad- when they go to the loo so often it's hard to know though! Their skin toughens up- mine had horrid rashes but with lots of changing and cream it slowly went away.

You are doing a great job- your perfect baby sounds like most newborns- beautiful and lovely but usually come with a string of their own complaints that make the mums cry and feel crap!

Aww thank you! It's so overwhelming! Tbh I definitely wasn't eating enough at first, went shopping today and stocked up on some snacky foods to eat whilst feeding!
With the sudocrem, is that the one in the tub like the medicated one? Xx

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Porridgeislife · 21/08/2022 18:45

usagimoon · 21/08/2022 12:48

Thank you! I shall check out all these options. I was told breastfed babies don't need burping which I'm now realising is a load of tosh!
With the cheeky wipes, which ones do you go for? I just had a look and there's cotton, terry cloth, premium etc and my brain is already frying 😂 they look really good though!

Show quote history

We just have the cheapest white cotton kit (Workhorse). Our antenatal teacher put us on to it, she said to get cotton rather than bamboo. They do various discounts if you follow them on Insta as well.

CaptainCarp · 21/08/2022 18:51

@usagimoon I'm glad you are feeling a bit better!
We haven't had another episode of sore bum since the heatwave 1 so put it down to heat, new skin & the fact she was pooing in every nappy.
I use the weleda nappy cream & tescos own nappy cream in a tub.

We are coming up to 8 weeks now & I had 4hrs sleep last night in 1 stretch! Its hard work but it does get better!

CP7766 · 21/08/2022 19:03

I’m not going to give you any more advice because you’ve got plenty of great advice here & it can feel overwhelming but honestly on day 10 I sobbed into my tea hysterically and said I couldn’t do it. We had tongue tie, horrific wind issues, breastfeeding problems, witching hour screaming that lasted for hours. She hit 6 weeks (which I know feels like a lifetime away) and most of it got better. Then she hit 12 and is honestly a dream. She’s 15 weeks now and I’ve just got back from a pub tea with her, rocked her a few times and she’s in bed for the night.

i remember people saying to me “it’ll get easier at * weeks and me thinking it didn’t matter, I couldn’t make it that far but you will! And it will get easier and easier and easier xx

Original poster

usagimoon · 22/08/2022 00:03

CP7766 · 21/08/2022 19:03

I’m not going to give you any more advice because you’ve got plenty of great advice here & it can feel overwhelming but honestly on day 10 I sobbed into my tea hysterically and said I couldn’t do it. We had tongue tie, horrific wind issues, breastfeeding problems, witching hour screaming that lasted for hours. She hit 6 weeks (which I know feels like a lifetime away) and most of it got better. Then she hit 12 and is honestly a dream. She’s 15 weeks now and I’ve just got back from a pub tea with her, rocked her a few times and she’s in bed for the night.

i remember people saying to me “it’ll get easier at * weeks and me thinking it didn’t matter, I couldn’t make it that far but you will! And it will get easier and easier and easier xx

Sounds like me yesterday!! Thank you ❤️ luckily I've had a much easier day today, and I feel like reaching out on here has made me feel so much better. Thank you for sharing your story! It's such a wild journey isn't it!

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usagimoon · 22/08/2022 00:04

CaptainCarp · 21/08/2022 18:51

@usagimoon I'm glad you are feeling a bit better!
We haven't had another episode of sore bum since the heatwave 1 so put it down to heat, new skin & the fact she was pooing in every nappy.
I use the weleda nappy cream & tescos own nappy cream in a tub.

We are coming up to 8 weeks now & I had 4hrs sleep last night in 1 stretch! Its hard work but it does get better!

Fab thank you! And really reassuring thanks :)

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usagimoon · 23/08/2022 16:17

rach1stbaby · 21/08/2022 12:58

Aww this was also me early on! Very much thinking I'm bossing being a new mum and then all of a sudden you can't seem to settle her and your boobs are really sore from all the constant feeding. Lots of tears from both of us.
Generally in my experience it's always milk they are after early on! Your boobs are trying to catch up to what your baby needs milk wise and it's really hard. I remember trying everything to try settle her at one point and being so upset about not being able to satisfy her. Just keep putting her on the boob, even though it hurts, it will pass. & use lansinoh nipple cream once every feed finishes and don't worry about her digesting it because she's only just came off, it's perfectly digestible.
Oh and being fussy at the breast, my girl still does this and it does tend to be wind. I have to sit her up regularly to burp during feeds.
Is there any help you can get for breastfeeding as I wouldn't have got through it without support.
My girl is now just gone 3 months old and I can't tell you how proud I am of myself and her, especially getting through the breastfeeding problems - there was many! Honestly breastfeeding is the best thing in the world, if your determined enough you can do it, it is very difficult to begin with and tying. It does get much easier and enjoyable.
Sorry to go on about the breastfeeding so much, but it really was the root of my problems for a while.
The changing of nappies and weeing, you will get the hang of this, hiccups do happen though it's normal! Once I open my girls nappy I leave it for a couple of mins to see if she does anything once the air gets to it. Also, feel their nappy to see if it's warm, if it's not expect a wee when changing lol.
You can do this mama, everything will get so much better!!! I promise xxx

Thank you lovely! And thanks for the tip about feeling if the nappy is warm, I find myself using that now haha!
It is sooo hard, she's having a very cluster feedy day today bless her and my nipples are quite sore today! I know I can push through this, I'm so happy for little one is thriving too btw!

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Mamabear04 · 23/08/2022 19:16

Im so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. It is really hard and reading your post brought back a lot of memories with my first baby. I also was so upset when my baby got nappy rash and felt like a shit mum but actually after it happened my mum told me to air the baby's bum just for 5 minutes once or twice a day if you can manage it. It really helps more than any cream. I also used that yellow met.... cream that you mentioned and that helped. If it doesn't clear up just go to the GP. Some of my friends LOs just had real sensitive bums and needed something stronger to sort it out.
Are there any mum and baby groups in your area? Or BF support groups? I found it much easier when I found mum friends who were going through the same things I was. Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job just that you're knackered from it all. It's OK to feel shell-shocked after the lovely newborn stage passes but it does get easier x

Original poster

usagimoon · 23/08/2022 19:18

Mamabear04 · 23/08/2022 19:16

Im so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. It is really hard and reading your post brought back a lot of memories with my first baby. I also was so upset when my baby got nappy rash and felt like a shit mum but actually after it happened my mum told me to air the baby's bum just for 5 minutes once or twice a day if you can manage it. It really helps more than any cream. I also used that yellow met.... cream that you mentioned and that helped. If it doesn't clear up just go to the GP. Some of my friends LOs just had real sensitive bums and needed something stronger to sort it out.
Are there any mum and baby groups in your area? Or BF support groups? I found it much easier when I found mum friends who were going through the same things I was. Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job just that you're knackered from it all. It's OK to feel shell-shocked after the lovely newborn stage passes but it does get easier x

Thank you lovely.
I took her to the GP on Friday and they did a swab, haven't heard back yet though! They think it was acidic poo from the antibiotics I was on!
I feel awful though, I cried today about it again as I felt terrible!! I tried the metonium cream and it seemed to make it redder? :( :(
She had some nappy off time today, air to it is definitely a good idea!

Funnily enough, I started looking on Facebook for breastfeeding support groups and baby groups! I found a baby massage class that begins in September which I think I may go for, nervous though!! And a la leche league group!
Thanks for replying, sorry you had a tough time too! Xx

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Mamabear04 · 23/08/2022 21:33

@usagimoon sounds like the GP thinks it's more than just generic nappy rash which is not your fault at all. Just keep doing what you're doing. I think nappy free time is the best thing for it. Maybe you could try squinting some breast milk onto some cotton wool and giving it a wipe? They say it's antibacterial but I don't know if that would ever help? I honestly cried so much when DD had nappy rash but no one ever told me to give nappy free time! As with everything when your a FTM you learn as you go.
Also just wanted to say DC2 is 6 weeks old and I've had 3 rounds of antibiotics since his birth and every time its upset his tummy and gave him terrible wind/difficulties pooing. It's so hard in the beginning once the lovely newborn stage wears off and the sleep derivation kicks in but it will get better. It honestly took me about 4 months to find my feet with DC1 and then it got much easier. It's so important to find some mum friends to support you ❤ sometimes if it's overwhelming just writing down the good things that happen in a day help so you can focus on them rather than all the other stuff that's getting on top of you. Could be just things like- I had a hot cup of tea, baby smiled at me etc.

Bordesleyhills · 23/08/2022 21:38

We rang 111 convinced something was wrong- just as everyone else said maturing digestive tract. Some lovely doctor rang us back and was so nice and I’m sure she thought we were useless! Keep going

Bordesleyhills · 23/08/2022 21:39

Try cornflour- literally sprinkle on to her bum. It’s the best thing for nappy rash, dries it and it’s natural

Justconfused22 · 24/08/2022 13:13

Hi everyone,

I often read things on here but never posted myself. I’m not sure how I go about this but I am just after some advice really…

Basically, I was adopted at birth due to a few reasons but mainly because my biological Mother was too young and caught up in life. I was then adopted by my Auntie who I grew up to believe was my Mother, I knew no different and so I have and always will refer to her as my Mother and always called my biological Mother Auntie. Confusing, I know. My Mother who brought me up sadly passed a few years ago and a little before then and a few times after I have met up with my biological Mother a few times but a lot has happened, we just clashed and I had a lot of questions and not much to go on. Anyway, we decided we have tried to get on, we clearly don’t, let’s go our separate ways, we did so for around three years. Not a word between us. Since then I have had my own child now she is just about to turn two years old now. Even though she is only young I have always said to her I wish you could of met Nana, Nana would of loved you and so on and shown her pictures and in my mind know I will always say this to her. A few weeks ago, I was at a family gathering and my biological Mother was there it’s the first time we’d spoken in a long time, it was civil, short and sweet. My daughter was there, she didn’t interact with her or anything, I was pretty glad of this if I’m being honest. Because truth is, my biological Mother sometimes has a hard time of being referred to being auntie and me calling another woman Mum but that’s the results of her actions in my mind, that’s simply how I’ve been brought up and I feel disrespectful suddenly calling her Mum now the woman who made me who I am has passed. She just doesn’t get that hence why we went our separate ways in the first place. Anyway, since then my biological Mother has been meeting with my Nana and has mentioned I should take my daughter to her house one time and has also mentioned she has got her a gift for Christmas. Yes, the thought is there and that’s nice. But I can’t help but think, is this a trap that I fall into and before I know it months down the line you will want me to introduce you to my daughter as her nana because that would mean I would have to explain to my daughter later on in life okay this is your nana but your real Nana died and blah blah blah, I just didn’t want to go down that line I don’t want to have to tell my daughter these things I just want it to be left at, I had a lovely childhood and your nana passed when I was a young woman and that’s that. I want to close that chapter, what do I do? In my mind I would just like to sit down with her and say, I have these boundaries and don’t want them to be crossed, you have to understand where I am coming from. In the nicest possible way, without being a Mother, you can’t just jump in two years into my daughters life and be a Nana. But I know her, this will only result in arguments and I will regret even giving her the time of day again.

Mamabear04 · 24/08/2022 15:17

@Justconfused22 I think you maybe meant to start a new thread? I would say I understand your stance and that you want to give your Mum the respect she deserves. It's a complicated situation with a lot of emotions and baggage attached. My DC technically have 5 granny's due to blended families etc. Your DC will pick up on who you hold in high esteem without having to spell it out to her. It's possible to have many grandparents and letting her spend a little time with your auntie won't betray your mum. Could it be that you're upset because your auntie is making an effort for your DC when you feel she didn't for you? It's perfectly normal for you to get upset over this. I'm sorry it sounds tough x

suzyscat · 24/08/2022 16:20

Awww love it's okay. I had a breezey start and then sudden gear change. It's okay.

Metanium (the yellow cream) is miraculous for sore bums (and sun burn, bites and stings all sorts, but was a game changer for bums.)

Make sure you're getting lots of skin to skin and as much rest as possible.

It's hot atm and looking to get hotter so consider just leaving LO in a nappy a lot of the time when indoors and save the bother of clothe changes and washes.

EBF can be very hard at first and you just do what's right for you. One of mine had a period of formula top ups and tbh I found the bottle sterilising and prep a lot harder.

Cosleeping meant I didn't have to get out of bed and I actually felt much safer with my kids close (I wasn't anticipating this at all, but luckily had a very pro cosleeping HV first time around.)

Motherhood is overwhelming and exhausting and there's a million things to Google.

Have you tired gripe water or infacol?

You could try removing dairy from your diet for 3 weeks, with my youngest I stopped dairy, soya, gluten and egg for 3 weeks and it massively helped. It later transpired they had a mild allergy but grew out of it by school age.) Anything longer than 3 weeks and I'd suggest discussing it with your GP though.

Also Google the 4th trimester and try and bed in. If your mum is around and OH is hands on then just stay in bed and maybe the bath or the sofa as much as possible. Even if you can't catch up on sleep try to rest. Could one of them get LO ready if you fancied a walk? Then you only have to get yourself out. The first month or two is such a baptism of fire.

Skin to skin, rest and breath feeding is all really good for stimulating hormones and connections. Good luck

MyNameIsMarya · 24/08/2022 17:02

Read the first thread I started. I think most new moms go through this stage feeling awful, useless and 100 other negative feelings. At 4 weeks I hated my life so much I wished I never got pregnant. To me it seems you're just overwhelmed.
Now at 15 weeks my baby is much easier. Sleeps well, eats well and is just so much easier in general. Hang in there. It gets easier. Promise.

Original poster

usagimoon · 27/08/2022 18:06

Hi all! I thought I'd go an update!
I've been feeling a lot better, more good days than bad, accepting that this is a huge life change and it won't last forever so embrace it etc
The rash has pretty much gone, yay!!
I do think I have nipple thrush, it's super sore, I was swabbed for this but don't hear back until next week :( so that's quite trying
I'm currently stinking of baby puke, really wanting a nap but she has been on my breast most of the day! We have my partners family coming down tomorrow for a visit and I'm kind of dreading as I'll just be feeding the whole time and just feel like I won't feel comfortable.. argh!
I can't quite get my head around how you sleep when the baby sleeps when your baby is stuck to you all the time 😂 I think i need to start going to bed really early or something! Not sure when this cluster feeding will end, she is 4 weeks today so know it's still early days, but I guess I'm finding it tougher because of my sore boobs!

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usagimoon · 27/08/2022 18:07

MyNameIsMarya · 24/08/2022 17:02

Read the first thread I started. I think most new moms go through this stage feeling awful, useless and 100 other negative feelings. At 4 weeks I hated my life so much I wished I never got pregnant. To me it seems you're just overwhelmed.
Now at 15 weeks my baby is much easier. Sleeps well, eats well and is just so much easier in general. Hang in there. It gets easier. Promise.

Thank you ❤️ really reassuring! X

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