Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Ex won’t tell me where my toddler is during visits

46 replies

rebeccadaniels · 13/08/2022 23:26

Hi all, I’m just looking for some advice!

Does anybody know if I have a right to know where my child is and who they see while they’re visiting their dad?

We do have a court order in place which is why it’s very stressful not knowing where he is.

Can I request to the courts that I get told? Has anybody else had this problem?

OP posts:
CalamityClam · 13/08/2022 23:29

I would ask why you think you need to know?
Does your ex know everywhere your toddler is when he’s with you?
I’m not being goady!

Original poster
rebeccadaniels · 13/08/2022 23:34

@CalamityClam i feel I need to know for safety reasons. He doesn’t drive so I’m the one who drops my toddler off each week. So I’m an emergency I would need to know where he is

theres a family history of pedophilia which has been thrown out of court on a hung jury so I’ve been unable to put any restrictions on who my son goes around

he would be told if he asked.

OP posts:
grayhairdontcare · 13/08/2022 23:36

Honestly you have no right to know.
He is with his father and if you were needed for an emergency they will let you know where

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law General parenting
RedWingBoots · 13/08/2022 23:58

Does anybody know if I have a right to know where my child is and who they see while they’re visiting their dad?

No you have no rights.

SortOfAdmireQuagmire · 13/08/2022 23:59

rebeccadaniels · 13/08/2022 23:26

Hi all, I’m just looking for some advice!

Does anybody know if I have a right to know where my child is and who they see while they’re visiting their dad?

We do have a court order in place which is why it’s very stressful not knowing where he is.

Can I request to the courts that I get told? Has anybody else had this problem?

Do you tell your ex where he is when he’s with you?

You don’t in general have a right to know, and vice-versa. Is there some issue that means that you have a concern that he’s putting your son at risk in some way?

RedWingBoots · 14/08/2022 00:02

@SortOfAdmireQuagmire the OP has already said there was an issue but due to no convictions she can't do anything.

SortOfAdmireQuagmire · 14/08/2022 00:04

RedWingBoots · 14/08/2022 00:02

@SortOfAdmireQuagmire the OP has already said there was an issue but due to no convictions she can't do anything.

Yes, I’d missed that, sorry.

If her ex is a paedophile, or she fears he may be trafficking him to one then this is absolutely horrendous, and all I can suggest is that social services be contacted.

OP, is this the case?

ivebeencalledworse · 14/08/2022 00:15

I want to know where my child is at all times. Apparently I'm strange. But then colour me strange. I can't fathom why I wouldn't want to know where she is. But especially on here that’s weird.

What you need to remember is family courts don’t appreciate you going to them with things like ‘I want him to tell me where she is’ they will see you in a bad light. You simply can't do it.

The idea is that since the courts have given access to the dad, she's safe with him. And despite how you feel (and I would feel the same) you have no right to know where she is when she's with him, which I agree is messed up.

So you need to act with what's real, not what should be.

You know when she's with him, that’s when you need to plan to be busy the entire time; work, hobbies, with friends, family, doing something fun – anything that will occupy your mind until your child is back.

I completely empathise with you. I could not imagine handing my child over to someone who didn't WANT me to know exactly where she was when with them, secrecy around where the child is is alarming, in my view.

But you are going to have to mitigate your fears and distract yourself simply because it's your only option now.

MissMaple82 · 14/08/2022 00:23

To answer your question, you have absolutely zero right, just like your ex has zero right to know what or where his child is when with you. I get this is unnerving but legally you have no rights whatsoever

MissMaple82 · 14/08/2022 00:26

A court will never in a million years agree to you knowing where he is and with whom at all times. If they have granted access, he is deemed safe and competent.

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/08/2022 00:28

I understand your anxiety due to the pedophile accusations but you have no right to know where or who when it's dads time. Just as he has no right to that info during your time.

Mfsf · 14/08/2022 00:33

While legally you have no right to know if you truly are sortie he might be around an abused then you can and should contact SS and go back to court and get supervised visits only .

ApronLady89 · 14/08/2022 08:59

I would feel exactly the same as you, if going back to court is not an option, I would get him an Air Tag or similar so you can track him.

PritiPatelsMaker · 14/08/2022 09:56

When you say there's been a history of Paedophillia, is it your Ex that you're concerned about or his wider family?

Could you speak to someone like Rights of Women about requesting Supervised Access only?

Endlesslypatient82 · 14/08/2022 09:59

rebeccadaniels · 13/08/2022 23:34

@CalamityClam i feel I need to know for safety reasons. He doesn’t drive so I’m the one who drops my toddler off each week. So I’m an emergency I would need to know where he is

theres a family history of pedophilia which has been thrown out of court on a hung jury so I’ve been unable to put any restrictions on who my son goes around

he would be told if he asked.

In the case of a hung jury in a case involving child sexual abuse, there would be a re trial in front of a different jury. Unless the case was deemed utterly spurious.

Lockdownmummy · 14/08/2022 10:04

Even if he did have to tell you, what's to stop him from lying?

Endlesslypatient82 · 14/08/2022 10:05

How long have you been apart from the child’s father?

the court order specifies what visitation?

gogohmm · 14/08/2022 10:09

If there was a hung jury there is a retrial, plus that appears on enhanced dbs checks, something the courts and social services can access. If there's a specific person you feel is a threat to your child you should seek advice from social services and/or your solicitor.

Please do remember that claims are made against people for spiteful and malicious reasons which are completely false - this could be the case if it was thrown out.

Diverseopinions · 14/08/2022 10:47

Your ex had been granted access and deemed competent and safe. Other posters have given advice, from a point of view of knowing the law.

However, emotionally, it must be very worrying for you and I can sympathize. I would like to know also, in your position.

I suppose, step back and think rationally. If he doesn't have a car, he may not go very far - just to the local park.

When your child is older, he will tell you himself, what he has been up to.

I would try to make dealings with your ex civil, so he might keep you informed. Even offer to let him see your son in your house, so that he can play with favourite toys which you have.

StarCourt · 14/08/2022 11:51

OP were the court aware of the paedophilia history when the order was set in place?

lucielou82 · 14/08/2022 15:00

Sadly you have no rights! Ignore the people who go 'why do you need to know?' Obviously never been a mother and had an arsehole ex who thinks it's decent behaviour to act like this! Anyone (make or female) should be decent and let the other parent know where their child is! Xxx

lucielou82 · 14/08/2022 15:02

@SortOfAdmireQuagmire wow! So we can only be concerned about our child if the ex is a paedophile or a sex trafficker! What if he was violent and abusive ex? Neglectful? Addict?

tinplantpot · 14/08/2022 15:03

Does he have unsupervised access/contact?

lucielou82 · 14/08/2022 15:04

@SortOfAdmireQuagmire sorry I owe an apology I didn't see the second post saying his was related to one! Teach me to type before reading whole thread! Sorry, again x

Soontobe60 · 14/08/2022 15:07

ApronLady89 · 14/08/2022 08:59

I would feel exactly the same as you, if going back to court is not an option, I would get him an Air Tag or similar so you can track him.

Would you suggest the same thing to a father who wanted to know where his child was when they were with their mother? Can’t you see that this could be a massive issue if the father has been violent to the mother and is only allowed limited access and no right to know where his ex is due to her safety?