Ex won’t tell me where my toddler is during visits

[rebeccadaniels]

Hi all, I’m just looking for some advice!

Does anybody know if I have a right to know where my child is and who they see while they’re visiting their dad?

We do have a court order in place which is why it’s very stressful not knowing where he is.

Can I request to the courts that I get told? Has anybody else had this problem?

I want to know where my child is at all times. Apparently I'm strange. But then colour me strange. I can't fathom why I wouldn't want to know where she is. But especially on here that’s weird.

It's not weird at all, it's completely normal and understandable. The problem is that in a separated co-parenting relationship it doesn't work like that. The assumption has to be that the child is safe with the other parent and you have to hand over all responsibility indluding knowing where they are, because the other parent is considered equal and just as solely responsible etc. If that assumption cannot be made then (in theory) courts - etc. Not that that is particularly effective, but you have to operate within the law.

For those looking for more of a background regarding the pedophilia situation.

My ex’s mom and step father are who I’m concerned about. His step father was a suspected pedophile, he molested his step daughter and babysitter. It went to court but because my ex’s mom stood in favour of him being innocent it was a hung jury both times, even after a retrial

I’ve made the court aware of my concerns but they said they trust that my ex won’t have my son around either of them although he has said to me several times he will allow it eventually

I’ve made the court aware of my concerns but they said they trust that my ex won’t have my son around either of them although he has said to me several times he will allow it eventually

bull shit the court said this OP

It went to court but because my ex’s mom stood in favour of him being innocent it was a hung jury both times, even after a retrial

bull shit he was acquitted twice by two different juries because his wife said he was innocent

seriously op

do you think we are all totally thick with no experience or knowledge of the justice and family court system in this country?

Well then you would go to court with your evidence and request supervised access of course

@Endlesslypatient82 The accusations were made a long time ago when his step daughter was a child, this was like 15 years ago. I was with my ex for just over a year, I only know the courts verdict because I was told and I’ve read the transcripts of the trial

It was CAFCASS that said there are no safeguarding concerns with my son seeing his dad because they feel he understands not to have my son around those types of people

So few of you showing any compassion or kindness to a mother who is terrified that her child will likely be exposed to a paedophile.

I fucking despair. Is it just that you lack any imagination or are you just ... mean?

Could you request information on your FIL under Sarah's Law?

Sorry if that's something you've done already.

Did you ask for a drection from the court to say that the child should not be in contact with the father in law?

What did your solicitor say?

That’s the thing, I never had a solicitor due to my finances being a bit tight which means I’m sort of relying on my own research @bellac11

@Endlesslypatient82 She didn't say he was acquitted because his wife said he was innocent. Her words could just as easily mean 'his wife lied and gave him an alibi' or similar. You're vicious.

You really do need a solicitor OP for things like this

Was the Guardian cross examined or challenged about the worries about your partner exposing the child to his father?

One of the other considerations is that if there are bail conditions still in place for the father, it may well say that no 'unsupervised' contact with under 16s or 18s, but of course supervised access may well be allowed or it may stipulate that the child may be with this person with the express permission/authorisation of a parent with PR which of course is your partnter

Also when and how did he say that over time he would allow his father to be around the child?

As others have said, you have no right to know. Though an apple tag in his favourite teddy might help.

You need to be trailing to your DC about appropriate touching, no secrets etc. Abusers rely on their victims keeping it to themselves.

@WinterDeWinter @Endlesslypatient82 yes, his wife gave him an alibi and said he wasn’t in the house at the time of the allegations and his family stuck up for him
they said that it was made up by the step daughter because she didn’t like him and wanted to live with her biological father

@bellac11 he said he will mostly
just allow his mother contact but I’m dubious. His mother has allowed her partner (suspected pedophile) access to photos of my son without my permission and that’s why I feel uncomfortable with either of them being around him

I’m not sure if he was added onto a register but I don’t think so because he wasn’t fully convicted

he said it verbally so I have no proof he said it

Its not about him being on a register, if he is awaiting trial again there may be bail conditions

The other thing is that proper risk assessment is needed. Sometimes we work with abusers or people who have been accused of that but police havent been able to take it further so you have nothing concrete, but the risk assessments need to take account of the circumstances. So, if all the allegations are about girls for example between 14-16 years old, its not likely that a male child who is very young is at high risk from the person and vice versa.

Did CAFCASS do such a risk assessment, or commission it from social services? Its a fairly common thing

@bellac11 he had his retrial already about 15 years ago and it was hung both times

CAFCASS weren’t interested in doing a risk assessment or anything for some reason, they trusted my ex to not put him in harms way

I dont really understand the hung thing, so theres no other retrial then?

Unless there are/were further allegations, any risk assessment would find him low risk anyway, particularly for a young male child (you said the allegations were from a teen girl?) and therefore there wouldnt be expectation that your partner has to keep him away from him.

This doesnt feel comfortable but unless you want to go back to court with your concerns of what he told you verbally and get a stipulation that your son has no contact at all with the father, then you may need to manage this discomfort.

Its worth seeing a solicitor who deals with family law perhaps for an hours legal advice?

His mother has allowed her partner (suspected pedophile) access to photos of my son without my permission and that’s why I feel uncomfortable with either of them being around him

The permission is for your ex, your son's father, to give not you. He has equal parental responsibility to you. His mother is not your relation so nothing to do with you.

It is for your son's father to make it clear that his mother shouldn't be showing pictures to other people without his permission.

However even your son's father can't stop his mother doing that. Once you give or send someone pictures you lose control of who they physically show them to.

I don’t mean to sound rude, but this is a terrible idea (the AirTag, not explaining appropriate boundaries). The AirTag will send an alert to dad’s, and anyone else near by, phone (apple or android), after 10 minutes of being in close proximity. He will know op is watching him, and will have actual evidence to present to the courts if he chose to.

Apple advises against using its new AirTag personal item tracker for tracking kids and pets