Am I the only one in the entire world who is making it up as I go along?

[OrmIrian]

Parenting I mean? Because reading so many of the posts on here makes me feel I am. People with methods, unbreakable rules, child care manuals. People who never doubt themselves for a moment. Those who are always consistent and determined.

Well I'm not. Being a parent is a bloody roller coaster. And sometimes MN depresses me so much I just want to go and never come back.

Orm - I think people who DON'T experience parenting as a roller-coaster are either:

(a) so super-confident and up themselves that they are totally insensitive to their children's needs or any one elses for that matter (b) psychopaths - or maybe that's one and the same thing??

I've just concluded my eighth discussion with dh this month about whether I'm being "too strict or too lenient?" with dd - I really DON'T KNOW. Suspect it's former so going with that at the moment ...

I also experience huge wobbles regarding determination and consistency.

I know rationally speaking that one can only bumble along doing the best one can. In my heart though, I always tend to think people are bumbling along better than me!!

Trying to settle for (as Samuel Beckett says)
"Fail. Fail better."

You have that discussion with your DH too do you counting? We recite the arguments ...ooh....once a month but nothing changes. I think I find it hard to accept that there can be a set of rules that always work for all 3 DCs at all times and in all circumatances.

Hallooooo ambercat!

Someone asked me whether I hadn't read any childcare books? I devoured Sheila Kitzingers book about pregnancy and childbirth, Micehal Odents Birth Reborn and I have a copy of the GOSH Book of Childcare which really is like a Haynes manual for under-5s (but more accurate) and it told me things i needed to know such as when to call a doctor, how to keep temps down etc...not it's personal opinion of my extended bfing, co-sleeping or disciplinary techniques. That is all.

I was far too much of a scaredy cat to read any of the parenting manuals when the kids were tiny- I knew I'd end up a dithering wreck trying to implement 4 contradictory methods at once! Now I've read some of the ones for the last stage (like, reading the toddler books- but not the teenage parenting!). Dc's and I had a fun time googling television sites the other night when Daddy was out- we realised from the descriptions that our family would qualify from an appearance on Supernanny! So I'll carry on being selective in my reading.

not only do I feel I am making it up but most of the time I feel I am ballsing in up too! I all too often read mn or look at friends and think wow have I ever done something wrong or what and as for the parenting books...my ds is too young to read them and find out what he is supposed to do according to their methods therefore so far none of them work in the slightest!

Oh mine are quite old enough to read them yawning, and have a good laugh I suspect

How's things today OI? Feeling better?

It's obvious from this thread just how random we all are!

Yes thanks biwi. Much better. Didn't sleep much though as DD insisted on getting in with us and cuddling me all night. But still.

I reckon you can over think things and actually the happiest mums I know have been the ones who are just winging it. Too much agonising over every decision leaves you exhausted and confused and your kids a bit mollycoddled. As Agatha Christie said, a dose of healthy neglect is what they need.

Oh I'm good at that trebuchet. The queen of benign neglect!

oh shag, I was copying policywonk.

Tsk! Copying is frowned upon obm. You have to screw it up in your own way.

actually, I think Counting's point is a good one. About over-confidence and psychopathology.

And stupidity. Stupid people tend to march blithely forward with utter confidence I've found.

Also people lie, don't they? All the time. Because they can't bear to face reality I think.

I have had slightly older mothers sitting right next to their teenage fuckups, telling me where I'm going wrong with my littlies.

When I hear people talking about their philosophies (I don't mean those of us with vague ideas about what we might do one day), I always think they sounds unhinged, and I feel quite pained for their DCs. Children are not projects, are they?

must turn tv off.. must turn tv off..

Christ! I am certainly just making it all up as I go along. I feel horrified about the mistakes I make on a daily basis. But here's one thing I think I might accidentally have got right. When I have screwed things up with my older son, by nagging him or losing my temper, I often apologise to him. And do you know what the best (only!) piece of recent progress is in our relationship? He apologises to me when he feels he has been vile - a genuine apology. It feels good and warm and loving on both sides.

How would he have learnt that if I got things right all the time and never had to say sorry, or if I thought I got things right all the time?

Our children have to learn to surf imperfection and uncertainty. We don't do them any favours by having too much confidence in formulae.

Oh, and it is no coincidence that most of the formulaic approaches controlled crying, baby-lead weaning and whatever the feck else relate to the earliest years. By the time you get much past toddler years you realise that they are a sham and its best to go with your own instincts and accept that you will frequently do less than perfectly.

Ambercat I'm just outside Taunton, perhaps we should all have a we-live-near-Taunton-and-make-it-up-as-we-go-along meetup?

14 years of winging it so far, and he seems to be turning out ok. Till recently, making it up as we go along, and copying / deciding not to copy people we knew were the main options. And most of us turned out ok...

In response to the OP I think that I am winging it. With ds1 I felt that I wasn't and had firm ideas of how I was going to do things. I now have 3 and am far less certain about "the right way" to be a parent. Sometimes when I read MN I think that there are people who are so confident in their views and opinions that I question my own abilities. That's not a bad thing though- but I try not to give myself a hard time if I can't live up to what others say they do. I am only ever doing my best and it will just have to do.

South-West chapter of the "Parenting by the skin of our teeth" society .

lol @ title

I keep teling dds that I have had no previous experience of being a mum and they should give me some slack.

Orm, that's us!

Thank you so much for starting this thread.
It's great to know that I'm not the only one out there wandering through the darkness of first time parenting trying desperately to find a light switch, which I have an awful feeling isn't actually there to find...

no i make it up as i go along and if its not working i try something else every child is different

ruth - sadly I'm in my 3rd and I'm still looking for the light switch In fact I think I'm even more lost than I was with babies...