Being a mum is so hard

[Pitstop1986]

I'm a ftm. DD is 7 months and is a lovely baby- generally sleeps through the night, doesn't cry much, and people tell me how lucky I am. And I suppose I am, but I'm starting to struggle with motherhood. It's lonely. It's hard. It's tiring. I spend 24 hours per day with a baby. When I'm not with her, I'm worrying about her or having to express milk.

She takes very short naps during the day- no longer than 30 minutes. For 1 of them I make myself a cup of tea and sit down and try to relax, but 20 mins/half an hour per day isn't much.

I don't have many friends and have lost a few since becoming pregnant so I don't have many people to go for a coffee with. My parents live 6 hours away and DHs parents have both passed away, so I have no family support close to hand. DH works long hours mon-fri and has a long commute. We live in a very rural village so I'm also isolated in that respect.

DH has her whilst I go to a yoga class on a Saturday, which is bliss, but afterwards I have to express milk in the car before I can drive home, so all that relaxation is kind of marred.

I'm sorry for the rant. I just need to get things off my chest instead of bottling it up. If I try to tell friends/family how I feel, they tell me how lucky I am to be on maternity, say that it could be so much worse as I could have a difficult baby, how the time will fly, so I should cherish it or tell me how they had it so much worse and I'm lucky to have a supportive husband.

I cook all the meals as DH can't boil an egg, but he does all the washing up and we both do bits of housework as and when we need doing (we're not OCD about the house being a show home!) DH will hold and play with DD if she's still awake when he gets home from work or at weekends, so I am lucky with him in that sense, but sometimes I feel like it's not enough. Am i being selfish?!

I'm just exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Motherhood is so hard.

Sorry for the long post.

Hi op
My ds is 11mo and I sort of feel the same as you. I don't have any breaks either and only this week DP started taking ds downstairs while I lay in bed with no responsibility for two afternoons. That's all I did. Just laid in bed

Do you get out a lot with dd?
You sound quite low. I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed xx

And you're right. Parenting IS so hard I agree with you x

I'm sorry OP- being mum can be so hard. I find it very hard too, and it doesn't help when lots of others mums seem to find it easy and are having a great time. In a few months your baby won't be needing much breastmilk anymore so you'll be a bit freed up from that perspective.

Will you be going to work? For me I went back to part time work at 10months and I felt much better. My working days are such a nice break from parenting.

It is hard. But if it's any consolation, you're at the worst of it and it will start to gradually get better and sooner than you believe, it'll be much easier and far more enjoyable.

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

It only gets better from here. Once they start moving around and communicating with you, it changes everything.

You wont need to express for too much longer either, as baby starts to eat more solids, skipping a bottle after yoga wont be a big deal at all.

Keep at it, we are all there with you!

Mine only had 30 minute or so naps too until about 7 or 8 months. Then one day he slept for a full 2 hours - I thought it was a fluke, but it just continued from then on until he was nearly 3! Having that break in the day really helped - maybe you’ll still get there with it, wait and see.

Would your DH be willing to learn to cook?

I felt the same. It is hard, it is isolating and quite boring!. Are there any baby groups near you? Even if you have to drive a way it would get you out the house and give you a chance to talk to others.
It does get easier, as they get bigger you can talk to people at parks etc.

Yep it's so tough, you are not alone.
I expressed for my baby as he was unable to latch but after 4 months I found I could no longer continue pumping all day long as it took its toll. Would you consider switching to ready made formula cartons? I did and it saved my sanity. Your baby has had all the goodness of breast milk by now and there is absolutely nothing wrong with switching. I promise it made a massive difference to my well-being and was so much easier. Baby never noticed and loved the formula.

Think about it perhaps?

Should he have to? Hardly seems fair to foist the cooking off on the DH too when OP states that he already works full time, does a long commute, gives her time on a weekend to do her own activity and contributes fairly to the other household chores.

I don’t have anything useful to contribute OP. Being a parent of a young baby was dull, lonely and thankless in my own experience. I hated it and couldn’t wait to go back to work, so I did. It was the best decision I ever made and I have a great relationship with DS now he’s a bit older. I think a lot of people who struggle with the baby stage really do come into their own once their children are a bit older, so hopefully you’ll find this too.

Just want to say you’re not alone. My DD is almost 7 months and I feel the same. My hubby works away so am completely on my own for 3 weeks at a time, other than the odd couple of hours here and there when family will watch her.

Its a slog, but I’m hopeful that it gets better with every milestone. That’s what everyone tells me!

How would you like to spend your time? At 7 months old, the baby doesn’t move much, if they are a good sleeper couldn’t you just tag them along to however you want to spend your day?
yes being a mum can be lonely, you have to push yourself out daily. You don’t have to have loads of best friends to hang out with not to feel lonely. I liked going to groups/ soft plays/ even the shops just to get some adult interaction.

Being a mum is hard (to a baby), but the thing is if you just get through this phase you’ll see how right your family and friends were and will probably give similar advice. Your husband sounds like a good man who loves his baby, as easy as it would be to take your frustration with general baby raising out on him (as he’s the only other adult around) you shouldn’t, he doesn’t deserve that and I don’t think he should be doing more. That’s the tiredness and hormones talking.

Thanks for all your posts. I've just had a good cry reading them all.

DH is a diamond, I am very lucky and I don't usually take things out on him. I'm usually a keep everything bottled up kind of person, so he probably doesn't even realise how I feel.

He takes the car 2/3 times per week and a colleague of his drives the remainder 2/3 days, so I don't have the car on days that he drives, but I have the option of going out when I do have the car

I have been to baby sensory classes. It was nice getting out of the house, but I'm shit at interacting with other mums so there wasn't much adult chat. I need to get my confidence up enough to make small talk and not stumble over my words making myself look like I'm a bit strange!

Thanks again for all the comments. It's nice to know that I'm not alone and it will get better xxx

Hi OP

It is really hard, and I can imagine especially draining if your baby doesn’t have a long nap at any point in the day. I don’t think you need to feel guilty about feeling annoyance/resentment. Even if your husband is very hands on, he will have a level of freedom in his daily life which you (at this particular moment in time) just don’t. That isn’t his fault of course, but I think it’s completely natural to want to rail against it a bit.

I hope you feel better soon. Does your baby like the pram/a sling? Maybe going for a long walk on the days you don’t have the car and listening to something would give you a bit of a break from feeling that you’re having to constantly entertain/supervise them.

I’ve got a 4 month old DD and don’t drive (currently learning!) which is a logistical nightmare with a small baby, as whilst where we live is not rural as such there is nothing other than woodland even vaguely within walking distance; the closest supermarket is a 40 minute walk. Despite this I make the effort to go to at least a couple of local baby groups (via bus) a week mainly for my own sanity, i.e. to get out of the house and have some vaguely adult conversation with someone other than DH. I usually wander into town afterwards and maybe pick up some bits for dinner or some lunch at a cafe or just potter around and get my steps in. Getting out and about every day is good when you have a baby at home as it just breaks up the monotony at bit & provides some structure to days that can otherwise stretch on forever. 🙂

It will get better but I remember those days well! Don't let people make you feel guilty. Babies can be pretty boring! It's great about the yoga class though, definitely get out the house as much as you can.

I know it isn’t helpful but I refused to have children whilst we lived in a small village because I could see how restrictive it was.

I found being a SAHM to first Dd and then Ds very enjoyable because I was able to get out any day I wanted.

I would pack food for me and go wander around a museum or 2 and sit breastfeeding at one of the BYOfood tables whilst eating whatever I had packed

I don’t have family and didn’t have any friends as I was new to the area and by 7 months everyone from my NCT class had returned to work.

I didn’t have Dh either for 3weeks in every 4 as he worked abroad.

Even just getting out to wander round Ikea and having a coffee on my own really helped.

You have to get up and get out. Even without a car either walk or get a bus or taxi and plan on going somewhere each day.

Fwiw I found the baby classes quite weird

I went to some quite early on and one when I said I had a EMCS and was having a planned CS with my next it felt like I had just announced I was some evil supernatural being. I swear a few of the mums held up crosses as though they would get infected with a CS. A friend was with me and we were stifling the laughter till we got to the car

It is hard! I found it better when I went back to work because then I wasn't doing it 24/7.

I did exactly what @Kennykenkencat did!! Also don’t stress about breastfeeding at this stage. Start mixed feeding if it’s easier.

Your baby can work around you at this age. Get up, potter around, go out, do some gardening, go for a walk, get a few things from the shops for dinner, listen to podcasts to preserve your brain, whatever.

Break your day down into smaller goals and accept that your life is different now. Come to terms with it and use this time before your baby is super mobile to have a complete change of pace.

Make sure you really are getting plenty of sleep at night… if your baby is sleeping that shouldn’t be a problem.

Embrace it, but make your own routine!! Also baby classes etc. IME aren’t the social nirvana they’re made out to be. Lots of people are just passing through. My real connections with other parents started at preschool.

I have a 5 month old and can relate to your post OP mine will only contact nap and wakes up after 10 mins maximum if I put him down. If you contact nap will they sleep for longer. I know it's not ideal to be 'nap trapped' but at least you'll be able to binge watch tv while they sleep x

Op it does get easier as they get older, but my tips for the fist year are, when you can express effectively, leave your DD with DH for an entire day maybe after your yoga class? and go to your nearest town, shop of clothes, sit in coffee shops, call family and friends, go for a swim etc...do all the things that remind you of well ...you
Yes you may have to express tow or three times but don't focus on that.
Make this a weekly thing it will sustain you through long lonely weeks....
Know that this is a stage and it will change and pass.

No family help and dh who works loads too op - you're not alone

Is your rural village near the south east coast? If so PM me and if you live near me we can meet up.

I found it got easier when my first turned ten months and that's not too far off for you.

By the time DD was that age i had to get out every day. I didn’t have car either so just used the pram or baby carrier- I’m in a suburb though not a rural village so not sure what you have going on? It was easier though as it was summer when she was that age so I was often getting the bus or walking to parks, botanic gardens etc and having picnics with her or just putting her on the swings and helping her down the slide.

By the time she was about 10 months and it was autumn I did church playgroup on Monday, baby gym class on Tuesday, free baby song class at the library on Wednesday, baby sensory class on Thursday and Fridays just depended, often the park. On holiday weeks where there were no classes on I took the bus and took her swimming, went on long walks to play parks a bit further away, took her to the library to pick books, went to a cafe for lunch etc. I always dreaded any day where I couldn’t get out, I think it’s necessary to go out and about for my mental health.