Getting so angry with my toddler

[Horriblefeelings]

How normal are my feelings?

Today is fairly typical. DD woke at 6. Went down for milk and some CBeebies, breakfast at 7. Going out to a national trust place in the morning so have to get ready. Shower and dress with DD charging around like a whirlwind upstairs, pulling towels off rails and yanking the toilet roll off it’s holder. She’s obsessed with closing doors so I’m constantly having the door shut in my face then her shouting to be rescued. She screams and yells so much. I’m feeling like my default setting to her is a startled ‘what? What is it?’ as she gives these bloodcurdling screams when she can’t do something.

We go out and she’s great, no trouble at all. Leave at midday, and she falls asleep in the car. Wakes at quarter to two. Since then it’s just constant carnage. Climbing on things. Knocking anything she can over. Throwing cushions from the sofa on the floor. She climbed on the sofa and was throwing framed photographs from the windowsill on the floor. I yelped in alarm and she burst into tears. Comforted her and she calms down and then starts trying to yank the drawers from a side unit out and screaming because she can’t. By this point I was so fed up and yelled at her to just leave it alone and go and play with some toys and for gods sake to stop trashing the house.

i feel awful now but I’m sick of it. Trying to cook dinner and she’s trying to climb up the side of the oven, screams if the dishwasher door is slightly open, constantly turns sockets on and off. I’m fed up.

Put her in the bath from 4-5.

It's the time when energetic kids get completely punch drunk and completely uncontrollable.

It will simplify your evenings too.

If you notice she gets manic when she's tired, that means you've missed tiredness cues for at least an hour.

Manic is the last stage of tiredness.

Sit down and think about times of the day when she gets like that and try to wind her down an hour before that.

Lying on the couch while you read some quiet stories, give her a gentle backrub,, sing some soothing songs - all could signal to her that she can take a break.

@mathanxiety i agree with you. But I think my stance is somewhere between your ‘no more than an hour at a time’ and PP ‘be out all day’. I do think getting out is good but not all the time. I do thoroughly agree kids need some quiet time to decompress. When she’s home with me I’m normally pretty good at avoiding car naps but every now and again it’s unavoidable (if you want a social life anyway! ) and today was one of those.

She would go utterly stark raving bananas in a playpen. It’s giving me chills just thinking of the rage.

She isn’t normally quite as manic as today. She does do things she shouldn’t like pull towels off rails and so on but that’s not the end of the world obviously.

@MineIsBetterThanYours - she did. She eats pretty well. Today was

breakfast - egg and soldiers
snack - biscuit and a bit of tea cake (not ideal but one off)
lunch - pasta salad
snack - blueberries, cherry tomatoes, banana
dinner - fish fingers, mash and peas
pudding - yoghurt

Hunger is something to watch for with her though, she’s a good eater but she’s also not greedy. If someone gives her ice cream (looking at PIL here!) she will refuse lunch but if she’s had lunch she’ll refuse ice cream if she doesn’t want it.

Mine was still in a cot at that age, is she? You could put her in there with a tablet on and but yourself some time? I honestly wouldn't have got anything done when mine was that age without TV and trapping him in the cot or playpen! She might grow to like more on TV as she gets older - Peppa Pig etc won't mean much but mine liked In the Night Garden. And it's nice and long!

Just saw your update saying she'd hate the playpen... could you hide some toys and books so she's interested in them and only give them to her in there? That's how I got work done during lockdown....

She still has a cot and she usually sleeps in it 12-2 ish.

I really don’t want to resort to screen time unless in the last scraping the barrel desperation - not least because it doesn’t work. She jabs the button and turns it off and gets annoyed!

I had one of those so I’m sending you hugs! It’s hard!

Watching for hunger, tiredness, stimulation etc is key, but it’s just as important to keep an eye on yourself in the same way. Have you eaten recently? Do you need a minute to yourself? Are you getting enough sleep.

In the same way that toddlers will have tantrums if they’re over hungry/tired, it’s the same for us. I used to consider it a good day if I got through without a meltdown - and an awesome day if ds did too.

I had a box stand thingie so ds could stand at the sink and play with water or help bake etc. Saved my sanity.

People are really keen to diagnose things, but all human behaviour is a 'spectrum' (general meaning, not ASD meaning) and honestly she sounds totally normal.

She has more words at that age than any of my three did, and two of them were noted at having 'advanced' language and vocabulary skills for their age by the nursery at about age two and a half. Pointing is one of these things that some kids do and some kids don't do much, it doesn't really mean anything.

All of mine have been total monsters between about 18 months to 2 years. It's when they are learning so so much, so quickly, and become very easily overstimulated and tired. They are usually very frustrated that they can't communicate as well as they want or as well as they think they are, it's like having some sort of 'locked in' syndrome for them really - they think you can understand everything they babble and shriek and get furious when you don't. They don't really respond well to discipline and are basically just a nightmare.

All of mine turned a corner massively at 2. They started talking properly and had a better grasp of what they should and shouldn't be doing. Also you can do more meaningful consequences, because let's face it, time out is pretty pointless in terms of teaching good behaviour.

My nearly-three year old is lovely, but she was terrible at that age. They all were. Hang in there, it gets better and it will only be a few months until it calms down.

Hi OP, my son is JUST like this! He's 25 months now, and it's still the same - exhausting, but a teeny (teeny) bit better now he can talk more.

A couple of ideas from my perspective of having a total livewire determined stubborn ball of crazy energy for a child...

• have you tried these door stopper thingys? https://amzn.eu/d/1gJRomF. We use them on all the doors so that during the day slamming doors is no longer possible (nor is jamming fingers in the hinge side which always freaks me out). They are great and super quick to remove before bedtime. Since getting them he's given up on that activity. Phew.

• I agree with you - don't start relying on screens. We went through a phase where we did, and son got hooked on YouTube, cocomelon shit and all that. His behaviour really deteriorated and his concentration levels plummeted. I feel bad we allowed it to happen but in my defence we were moving house at the time. Since we stopped screens (apart from 30 mins when I prep dinner) it's actually been easier.

• I bought a load of small world play toys and set them up in new ways when he's napping so that there is something new every afternoon before or after we go out. Eg farm set, trains, people, groceries, zoo etc. I rotate them so he doesn't see the same ones all the time. This gives me 15 minutes or so of peace, and then he sometimes comes back to it in the evening.

• I found if I give him a really good devoted bit of child-led time he's then a bit better to play by himself. Eg just put all phones away and play on something specific eg giving his toys a bath, hide and seek Teddy, and let him lead it. After doing that for 20 mins or so he seems much calmer and happier and more inclined up continue playing more independently and less destructively.

That's said it's bloody hard OP and nursery is a must for me. Age 12 months onwards was when I started up find it hard and now I'm so grateful that I'm not a full time SAHP. I adore my child but bloody hell he's exhausting. I do envy the parents I see at soft play right their child playing nicely next to them.

You sound like you're doing great!! I'm hoping that having a livewire crazy child is actually a sign of intelligence as they are such curious little explorers! One day we will laugh at their antics. In the meantime we have wine.

Good luck

Emotional support has been amazing on this thread; in terms of practical suggestions, that box stand might be the best yet - thanks. Might have to wait until payday but that will help so much with hand washing, baking and so on.

@mistermagpie - thanks. I don’t think there’s anything untoward with her, just very full on at the moment! I am hoping her language develops soon as I think that will help a lot with behaviour.

Some brilliant suggestions there @SuperTryer - thank you. This has been such a helpful thread. I am so grateful to each and every one of you!

Sending hugs....

My now (at Uni) DS was like this and I swear I'm still traumatised by it sort of joking.

He was just so "full on" at that age and had to be watched like a hawk.

One memory is him literally launching himself head first into the kitchen bin (the only previously non navigated receptacle/cupboard/drawer in the entire house) and having to lift him out by his ankles whilst trying to extricate his torso from the bin lid.

He was just "into" everything and got super frustrated by not being able to articulate what was in his head. It got a lot better as his speech developed and we could actually converse. Though I'm not going to lie....he wasn't convinced that "no" meant "no" for quite some time (and no, I wasn't a gentle parent, though obviously no physical punishment - naughty step etc didn't really phase him...)

The phrase "this too shall pass" was like a mantra 😂 and it sort of did....

As an adult he's still a super curious person, but that's been a boon re: his academic success (not so stealth boast: he won the prize for the best student in his Uni year for his course - top 6 U.K. uni) and is a bloody lovely, compassionate human being.

@BreadInCaptivity your post is lovely! It brings hope to me, still in the thick of it with my crazy 2 year old little boy.

I wish I could say it gets easier but so far I'm at 26 months with mine and he's still a nightmare in the evenings.
It is a little bit better in some ways when they can communicate their wants more but I'm still going through the screaming/tantrum stage. 😫

I got one of those toddler stools for DS3, it’s definitely helpful. He likes to stand in it and eat all the food, try to lick the salt, and so on as I make dinner. Not relaxing but at least he’s next to me rather than elsewhere emptying a cupboard out.

He seems to have now grown out of what had been a determination to take everything out of my spice rack cupboards and , ideally, spill it all on the floor now. That was fun at about 18 months. 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Horriblefeelings I have only read your posts so apologies if I repeat what other have said.

Teach her baby sign language, it will reduce frustration and doesn't delay speech and improves language.

Toddler proof your house.

These stair gates most adults can't undo as they can't work it out 🤣 you need to squeeze down with your thumb whilst lifting it up with your hand. Not difficult as an adult once you know how.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/BabyDan-Copenhagen-Extending-Safety-Denmark/dp/B08MW8QCZ9/ref=ascdff_B08MW8QCZ9/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=463286823564&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3317733510692585171&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006854&hvtargid=pla-1154026440237&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

Your DD is seemingly higher energy physically than many. My eldest didn't do TV or play with toys just wanted to talk and be involved 100% of the time fortunately wasn't a climber/destroyer but very exhausting!

Oh OP. You have my EVERY SYMPATHY. I have a toddler just like yours- there's just no off switch! Like you, I'm not concerned about autism etc but I do know she is definitely more energetic than her peers- it's just the hand I've been dealt.

Had a similar day to yours today after a rough night last night. I'm generally calm but my God, today I was my mother. Shouting and getting frustrated, then DD getting upset and the vicious cycle continuing.

I don't have any solutions sadly, apart from getting DH/DP/anyone else to help out as much as possible while you refill your cup, because let's face it- we need a full battery when dealing with children like ours!

My child exactly same at that age, he dropped all naps at 18 months so there was NEVER a break, constantly on the go. I was always one step behind tidying up. Everything he touched it was like how much do I bend it before it breaks? How far can I throw it? He threw everything he could get his hands on. He ran everywhere outside the house, at one point I couldn't take him out far as he wouldn't stay still long enough for me to use the public toilets, he could unlock the doors and leg it. Very stressful, I totally get you. He's grown up and is gifted so I believe was definitely down to higher than normal levels of intelligence.

Sounds normal to me. I'm very lucky in that mine will watch TV otherwise idk how I'd ever take a shower, so you have my sympathy!

Definitely get better stair gates! We have babydan ones at the bottom of the stairs and also on the kitchen door which helps. And drawer locks.

Id love to know when these lovely toddlers became a little "easier"...? Currently going through it all with my 2yo...

I meant to say *lively toddlers

I'd say when language becomes good enough for conversation (so not just saying words or phrases, but chatting). That's around the time mine and my friends' kids chilled out a bit.

Id love to know when these lovely toddlers became a little "easier"...? Currently going through it all with my 2yo

I agree that it's usually when they can make themselves understood more. DS was good at signing and we never really had many toddler tantrums, well the odd one around 12 months.