Getting so angry with my toddler

[Horriblefeelings]

How normal are my feelings?

Today is fairly typical. DD woke at 6. Went down for milk and some CBeebies, breakfast at 7. Going out to a national trust place in the morning so have to get ready. Shower and dress with DD charging around like a whirlwind upstairs, pulling towels off rails and yanking the toilet roll off it’s holder. She’s obsessed with closing doors so I’m constantly having the door shut in my face then her shouting to be rescued. She screams and yells so much. I’m feeling like my default setting to her is a startled ‘what? What is it?’ as she gives these bloodcurdling screams when she can’t do something.

We go out and she’s great, no trouble at all. Leave at midday, and she falls asleep in the car. Wakes at quarter to two. Since then it’s just constant carnage. Climbing on things. Knocking anything she can over. Throwing cushions from the sofa on the floor. She climbed on the sofa and was throwing framed photographs from the windowsill on the floor. I yelped in alarm and she burst into tears. Comforted her and she calms down and then starts trying to yank the drawers from a side unit out and screaming because she can’t. By this point I was so fed up and yelled at her to just leave it alone and go and play with some toys and for gods sake to stop trashing the house.

i feel awful now but I’m sick of it. Trying to cook dinner and she’s trying to climb up the side of the oven, screams if the dishwasher door is slightly open, constantly turns sockets on and off. I’m fed up.

She does point, just not a lot. I don’t think she has ASD, to be honest, and I approach autism speaks with a huge pinch of salt.

She isn’t remotely interested in cocomelon - mixed blessings.

It sounds pretty standard, into everything, lively toddler to me. Well, within the spectrum of that. Maybe you have only experienced the unusually quiet ones. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DS3 is just 2. He’s constantly on the go, curious about investigating everything. He’s the hardest work of my three children (at the same age. Just really full on. We left nursery today and within a couple of minutes he’d found a freshly painted gate and touched it. 🤦🏻‍♀️ We finished walking home with him covered in black paint. He wasn’t being ‘naughty’. Just touching the shiny gate as he walked past (and the rough wall, and stopping to look at the ants on the pavement, and the flowers hanging over the wall, and everything else).

There was no indication that it had been painted at all. But now it’s got a toddler handprint in the middle of it. I don’t feel bad though - the could have left the gate open while it dried and no one would have touched it. Even a ‘wet paint’ sign would have helped.

There’s no gentle parenting here (or at nursery). Just one energetic, interesting in exploring everything toddler. He’ll grow out of it.

Can you shower in the evenings when she's in bed? Can she run around the back garden instead of the living room?

@SudocremOnEverything - thanks for saying that, it honestly means a lot. I have been wondering if there’s something a bit off as although she is lively and energetic today has been completely bonkers even by our standards. She’s in the bath now and was charging around manically shouting Hiya Hiya Hiya over and over.

Yet out with friends this morning she was delightful. Sat quietly for coffee/ snacks, played beautifully, ate her lunch and didn’t steal anybody else’s.

I think some of it is because she didn’t sleep well at nap time. But I’m so glad it’s nearly bedtime!

I don’t consciously gentle parent - I certainly don’t hit or smack and I don’t shout as a rule, although I’m not adverse to a very stern tone if circumstances warrant it. I genuinely am unsure about age appropriate consequences as while (as above) I’m not adverse to age appropriate sanctions they have to be meaningful and not just mean!

She does @bakewellbride but it was very very hot here this afternoon and so I took her in. (Mad dogs and Englishmen …)

I will sacrifice many things for my child but personal hygiene isn’t one of them. I really feel grim without a morning shower!

It does get easier. Could you look at toddler proofing your house? Remove all those lovely knic knacks and photo frames, just make your rooms quite bare for a few months and then she’ll be older and more reasonable. It’s an instinct, she can’t stop the desire to grab something.
Jannet Lansbury’s podcast can be quite calming to listen to, when I’m about to explode I step back and think what would Jannet say?

She reminds me of my two dcs at that age.
They were also much easier to handle outside than in the home. So we were out twice a day Wo a fail.

I remember reading then that toddlers are just like dogs. They need a walk twice a day to be manageable.

Fwiw they are older teens now and I can promise you that they grew up as gentle children and then teens that never caused any issue. They still can’t sit still though and are forever doing things (5k run everyday for one of them, climbing and tennis for another. A WE Wo any activity/race/event is unheard off in our house….)

Ha ha mine is exactly the same OP, 17 months and constantly running around the house shouting 'aaaaarrrrgggggghhh ha ha ha ha' inevitably sometimes then falling over, scaling the sofa like the Eiger, opening drawers, pulling stuff out of cupboards. It's exhausting and the house is trashed by lunch time. Tidying is like painting the Forth Bridge. I shout sometimes too so don't beat yourself up about it. His older brother (now 5) was the same and is still high energy but will sit to watch TV or play with toy cars / lego so it gets easier. What works with mine is lots of time out the house, get out in the morning or straight after lunch going to the park, going swimming, a toddler gym session. Some kids are just really high energy i think. It will get easier!!

Sounds pretty standard to me, both mine have been like this. Eldest is now 5.5 and much mire chilled out on the bahviour but has sepped it for mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Every 5 bleeding seconds. Youngest is 2.5 and total whirlwind still. Climbs everything, runs away from me at the playground and is swear is completely deaf to the sound of my saying NO!! Im only human with a short fuse in this heat and it being aummer hils with them both fighting for my attention I admit I fairly regularly lose my rag with them both and shout. Solidarity!

Do you have a garden? Maybe she would like a mud kitchen.
Im afraid for defiance and touching things she shouldn’t the solution is consistency, saying no, removal and distraction. A firm and stirn no. I also couldn’t tolerate screaming and would put my hand over their mouth to muffle it when they screamed.
in the kitchen maybe a toddler tower so she can help. Or I had a drawer they were allowed in or special toy basket with safe kitchen items they were allowed to use eg pots and pans, some keys, a whisk.
Its tough, it’s a phase and it will get better.
Swimming is really good a tiring them out.
she sounds refreshingly normal! Just exploring and figuring out what the boundaries are.

I wouldn’t lose sleep over the 20 word milestone. My daughter had 20 words at 2,3 year review and goodness the amount of articles I read about speech delay and autism etc. Get in the queue for speech therapist and her hearing tested, but honestly try not to worry. I wish I could go back in time and calm my nerves about it. She’s 3 now and a chatterbox.

Thanks so much for the solidarity, it does mean a lot. She is definitely energetic and mischievous but also very loving and can be extremely gentle and patient at times. But today has been exceptionally difficult - well, the afternoon, anyway.

We do get out quite a lot but I am also mindful that it’s possible to overdo it. This proves counterproductive as well as potentially extremely costly. We have a huge garden and she has loads of toys in it. She does play well in the garden but in this weather it’s not good to be out all day.

I don’t think there’s anything amiss, @GraceandMolly . I’m not an expert, but I do ‘know’ autism if you like, and she isn’t presenting with any characteristics that might ring alarm bells. She makes eye contact and has since an early age, she smiles and laughs and talks constantly, just none of it makes any sense!

So for instance we were just reading a book and a picture had a bath and a toy duck on it. Straightway she pointed and said quack quack, quack quack. I say oh well done, great, a duck, clever you. But if I’d said ‘point to the duck’ she wouldn’t - not sure why.

She does attend nursery for three days a week (two in school holidays THANK GOD) and they have raised no concerns. I think there will be a bit of a language explosion in the near future. She does have some strange words as well, for things like frogs and bears but they sound nothing like frog or Ribbit or what you might typically expect.

I could have written your post, OP.

Particularly this bit: "I’m feeling like my default setting to her is a startled ‘what? What is it?’ as she gives these bloodcurdling screams when she can’t do something."

Will be reading the replies with interest as I am in the same boat and I also just feel so drained.

My eldest is 4 and this still happens to me a few times a day at least! Some kids are just very vocal and intense I think!

Mine was like this, completely wild. And yes, major meltdowns. She continued in this vein and speech remained poor. She does have some SEN and is being assessed via the ND pathway now at 9. She is still incredibly affectionate, independent in lots of ways and can now occupy herself for hours.

At that age, basically I took her out all the time. We were often in the park at 8am, out being active all morning, home for lunch, (she dropped her nap at 18 months) books, tv , cuddles - basically quiet time, and then out again - beach, woods or park until teatime. So probably 6 hours of physical activity a day. If the weather was poor we tended to put a waterproof suit on and go out anyway, but sometimes museum, swimming, soft play etc.

She is still incredibly physically active eg a Saturday she has a riding lesson first thing, followed by a 2 hour swim in local pool and flumes, then a swimming lesson and usually the leisure centre climbing wall too…. And she could still face her bike around the park!

I remember posting something similar about my first, he’s just over 2 now and much much more reasonable.

It was absolute fucking chaos - but at that age they don’t have the capacity to understand as much as we’d like so I just removed everything dangerous/that I didn’t want broken.

It meant not leaving drinks anywhere/all trinkets and photos gone. All coals from fake fire away etc.. it’s a relatively short thing because by somewhere between 20-24 months it all just because less interesting for him.

One thing that used to be a right winner was making the living room like a giant climbing frame; take all cushions off the sofa and pile up in funny angles to make dens, put a shelf between 2 chairs as a ‘walk the plank’ he loved it!

It’s great it worked for you.

I do think I bought into this theory of kids being like labradors and I do think there is something in it up to a point. But I really don’t think being out of the house all of the time is going to work for us.

To look at today on an hour to hour basis, it was:

6 am wake, milk, nappy, CBeebies.
7am breakfast
730-830 I got ready, she got ready. Did a couple of householdy things like make beds, put some washing away.
830-9 drove to national trust place
9-12 walk, play, explore, lunch
1220-140 nap
140-330play in the garden, read some books, snack
330-4 - walk to a farm shop to buy eggs
4-5 slowly lost my shit as the house was trashed
5-530 dinner
5-30-6 garden play
6-630 teeth and bath
630-7 stories, milk, bed

So the big problem area when I look at that was the 4-5 window which makes sense as she’s getting tired and a bit peckish and restless. She isn’t the sort of child who winds down and stops when tired, she gets increasingly manic.

This may sound like a recipe for disaster, but would you consider staying home a few days per week to see if you can establish a quieter approach?

Letting her run everywhere she wants when you're out may well be winding her up too much, and she can't focus on a quieter fine motor activity when she's home, or listen to a story.

You should aim to be out no longer than an hour at a time so you don't end up with her falling asleep in the car .

Put every single thing that is precious or breakable away. Get drawer locks. Say no, and carry her away when she opens gates.

Try to get her interested in her toys - what sort does she have? You are going to have to be on duty all the time to get her to nap before she's exhausted and to keep her from getting destructive out of boredom.

Our only solution to this is we take him out again in the afternoon and try to burn off some more energy. He goes nuts at home too.

Posted too soon..

You need to intervene with a firm NO, repeated as necessary and accompanied by carrying her away when she gets destructive, climbs furniture, sweeps items to the floor.

You need to redirect her to toys or reading with her.

Her language seems amazing for her age tbh. I definitely wouldn't worry about that. My son didn't say anything until 22 months and now I can't shut him up!

I would whirlwind proof your house. I ended up putting away all my breakables and childproofing all the cupboard doors and drawers until my youngest was 3 ish, it just wasnt worth the hassle of having to say ‘no’ all the time. It sounds like you need different stair gates that she cant open, or use some string and tie a knot - get creative.

Have some things that she can do, I had a kitchen cupboard that was full of plastic dishes and lids and didnt lock that one, they could often spend dinner prep time trying to fit the lids to the containers or trying to cramp a teddy into one. One drawer in the living room was full of old dvds so they could open and close them and I didnt care if they got scratched or lost. I also put hook eye catches on the outside of most doors at the top so that I could close off rooms and know mine wouldnt be able to get in.

At this age, you can also start with natural consequences. She throws a toy and you say no, she throws it again, you remove it for 20 mins. Use a low stern voice when you say no, loudness and quick reactions/attention are often seen as rewards by this age group.

It sounds like you have a high energy active dc, wonderful traits, will stand her in good stead, but you have to teach her how to channel it appropriately. Start teaching walking feet and inside voices in the house, then go outside and do running feet and outside voices. But it sounds like you have made a great start if she can sit and eat nicely at restaurants etc

Did she have a snack around 3.00pm?

My first was a nightmare for that. He couldnt go further than 3.00pm wo eating something. Any later and it all hell would break loose. (It carried on for a long tome well after he was 6~7yo. Something to do with the loivre not being mature enough to regulate blood sugar levels properly).

And yes I agree. Some children go hyper when they are tired. (been there and got the tshirt too)

Honestly get a play pen of some kind (we used a travel cot and called it baby jail 🤣) because the youngest kiddo was exactly the same. Safe toys and a drink and you should be able to leave her for a short time without worrying about her getting hurt or trashing the place. Just make sure she can't climb out and hurt herself that way.

Oh, and the baby gate I bought had little feet things on the bottom that you can flick down so even if they open the latch it won't open. Or you could do what a friend did and tie it closed at the top with some string!