Explosive 12 yo Daughter

[user1471503652]

Please go easy on me as I'm judging the hell out of myself right now and feel as though I'm not bringing any value to our family life at present. The situation with my daughter is making me wonder if I can take much more. I also have a stressful job in healthcare which is all consuming for me and paired with the family situation it's just unbreable mentally.

My daughter aged 12 (year 7) has always been emotionally explosive since about 4/5 and prone to emotional and angry episodes which can last hours and in this case, over night into this afternoon. Today has just been awful and I'm so devastated our life has come to what it is.

Despite all this she won't engage with any help, I.e
counselling via school, GP or private. I used to be able to deal with the meltdowns relatively calmly but as she's getting older she's getting destructive around the house (bashing doors, throwing dining room chairs, throwing doorstops etc) and I can't contain it anymore as I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown. She has always suffered with insomnia (challenge getting to sleep, generally anxious about sleep) and this seems to exasperate the situation

To give you a typical rundown of an episode, this is how it has gone last night through to this afternoon. Yesterday she goes to her friends party, has a fantastic time and gets home around 10... seems in a good mood. It's getting near 11 and me and my husband ask her to get her PJs on... she says in a minute, sat on her phone. Repeat this 6 times over the next 20 minutes and still no PJs and I'm feeling very pissed off. Her reaction is leave me alone, you're always angry at me, I'll do it in a minute etc etc. Then she starts getting sarcastic and just plain disrespectful. It escalates, and she ends up screaming how horrible we are, she hates us, bashing doors and punching pillows. We live in a quiet street so I have to go round shutting windows because my neighbours have to hear this a lot. Her little brother is in bed, but she doesn't care and keeps screaming and yelling. All about putting her PJs on! She also regularly says she doesn't care about neighbours hearing her, so she has no embarrassment. I lock her bedroom window so the noise is contained (small window at top still open). We end up leaving her downstairs and by looking at the camera she rolls into bed at 1.30am.

This morning, she wouldn't get up (usual story at weekends) we attempt to have a talk with her but she tells us to leave her alone. Hours roll past, and she knows we have a family lunch today that she really wants to go to but.. Still in bed. She's pissed off her window is locked, and doesn't seem to grasp the fact it's to save the neighbours eardrums. But she uses this as a negotiation for getting ready for the lunch, "unlock my window then I will get ready" ...when she realises I'm not going to do it, she goes into full meltdown screaming, yelling, throwing objects, hitting, saying she hates us, storming round the house looking for the window key and slamming every cupboard door in her path. She even throws water over us

Now, I'm sat in my living room with my Sunday best on with no where to go as I've stayed home with her and husband has gone to the lunch with her brother (I said just go as it's his family) She is in no fit state after that rage. I'm pissed off and upset in equal measures. I want to help her, I have read books on strategies and communication with explosive children but this is just getting worse. My husband is very supportive, and we are definitely a team, just equally as exhausted with it all.

She's lovely 95% of the time but I cannot deal with these mood swings. I'm going to call the GP tomorrow but I have no clue what they can actually do. She does well at school, has nice friends and is bright. She also has a steady home life and small, close family. These episodes happen at least once a week and often leaves me in tears and often regretful if I've yelled back.

She has caused a lot damage in the house recently and last time threw a couple of dining chairs onto the garden lawn, and time before that pulled her wardrobe door off and made out as though it fell on her randomly? She's really going to break something soon or hurt herself or one of us. She's currently in another room not talking to me but I don't want to talk to her right now. It's so intense when she's screaming at me non stop for hours on end, I'm scared what she is going to do next and I really want to help her. I am considering taking some time off work due to stress. My weekend has been far from relaxing and I have to go back to work tomorrow which makes me want to cry to be honest.

Thanks for reading. Any advice very welcome.

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells. She is behaving at school so she sounds like she is manipulating you all. What are the consequences to this sort of behaviour?

My daughter was explosive from the get go. I had to massively toughen up and implement very firm boundaries at the age of 8 (as I had always given her the benefit of the doubt prior to this age due to her age). Her behaviour improved and she became happier and more settled.

She is 11 now and still needs firm, consistent boundaries but on the whole she’s pleasant and she wouldn’t dare start trashing things round the house. She always will need firm boundaries though and she is hard work but the alternative would be what you describe in your OP and that sounds even worse!!

So sorry to read this OP - a lot of it resonates with our experience with DD13. Have you thought she might be on the Autistic Spectrum? DD is waiting for tests for AD & ADHD. DH & I often feel we are walking on eggshells around her. I would definitely go down the GP route to start with & see what they suggest. It sounds like more than hormones. Have you thought of contacting CAHMS?
Does she know you can see her on camera? At that age I would see that as a huge invasion of privacy - in fact at any age!

My daughter displayed a lot of these behaviours at a similar age. It took a long time but she was eventually diagnosed as being autistic at age 15. Have you considered autism? It iresents very differently in girls and can often be missed/misdiagnosed.

Oh I read those books too and the strategies didn’t work. In the end I listened to my own intuition. I also DROPPED the guilt. If she ever tried to shout at me I would SHOUT louder.

Essentially she tried to dominate me and at times she did but my god she does not dominate me now. She knows she would fail and wouldn’t get very far. I’m bigger, louder, stronger and I pay the bills.

The result of me ignoring all the books and following my own intuition is a child who is much happier, less anxious and one who knows damn well not to test me! I’m glad I figured this out before she got to her teens or it would have been HELL.

Good luck OP and do NOT walk on eggshells.

Boundaries, consistency and love are what is needed.

It’s common for kids to “ keep it all in” at school & mask their issues, especially girls, then it all comes out at home. We’ve been told by various experts that in a way it’s a compliment as they feel safe at home & don’t need to hide anything. Bloody hard to deal with though!

@SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows

Agreed. It could well be that the OP daughter is masking and then falling apart at home.

Alternatively, she could be a child who is need of firmer boundaries. It’s always hard to tell from a couple of paragraphs isn’t it?

Thank you. I am torn between thinking she needs firmer boundaries and sanctions then on the other hand whether there is something else undiagnosed. Her current sanctions would be she loses her phone for a period of time if she's rude or is grounded. If there's any other suggestions for firmer consequences I'd be really interested as it doesn't seem to deter her. She feels a bit old to bring back a reward system?

Just to confirm it was the dog camera in the living room, only used when we are out but checked it so I knew what time she went to bed, just in case my OP sounds like I use it to spy on my kids

@user1471503652

Its tough. I’ve been there myself. Wondering if it was behavioural or if there was indeed something else going on. Consequence wise I guess it’s different for each child. Hit them where it hurts. My DD hated early bed times so this was a consistent consequence in my house.

Within 6 months I had a different child. Her teachers also mentioned she seemed a much more confident child and much less anxious.

Ironic for me as I had essentially done the opposite of what many of the books suggested. I think her being able to dominate me was quite anxiety inducing for her. Kids know if they’re in control and it’s quite a frightening/rageful place to be.

Like I said my DD at 11 still needs consistency but she is a different child now. She is still determined in spirit and I’m sure that will serve her well in the future.

@Dalaidramailama I have a similar daughter and struggle very much with maintaining boundaries. My parents were into their physical punishment as a way of boundary keeping so I don’t have any tools for effective boundary maintaining so would be really interested in hearing some of your examples.

@user1471503652 much sympathy, I have a similar 9 year ok who had me in tears whilst on holiday the other week and trashed her room yesterday

Sounds horrible. Once she's in a 'tantrum' is very difficult to communicate so I would concentrate on building the relationship when she isn't. Lots of time together, lots of chatting, lots of relearning what makes her tick. That way you can feel OK about being v strict with her when required. For example I would not be telling my 12 yr old to do anything 6 times- how did you even keep your temper?? I'd ask once, warn another time, third time phone is confiscated. What was she doing alone until she went to bed?

Do you check her phone? And was she on her phone till 1.30 this morning ?

No she was sat on the sofa with the dog until 1.30am, phone restrictions kick in at 11pm and I had taken the TV remote to bed with me. It was all a protest. I regularly check her phone so I'm not concerned about that so much.
I'm really liking all these suggestions it's making me wonder if I'm too soft.

@reallydoyouthinkso

Same as my parents. I was not going to repeat that. For my DD it was removing privileges that she really enjoyed. These were…. going to friends houses, dance lessons, day trips, visits to family which she loves…. And EARLY bed times. Good lord she hated them. I had to have a ZERO tolerance on answering back, so the very first time she answered me back that was another early bed time. No backing down, ever.

It was tough at first, very tough and very tiring as I have two other children. I dropped the guilt and this helped immensely. I also stopped reading the “books”.

I still have to be consistent and when she gets tired there may be a consequence but it’s a light touch these days. Like I said she’s a different child now at home and at school. The whole family is happier, as is she.

I don't envy you at all!
Is she your husband's daughter?
Are you too soft? A 12 year old using a phone at 11pm? Do we need to tell you???

Yes to all 4 questions there @Str8talker ... and I'm one of the stricter mums! Other girls in her friendship group don't use restrictions and allow them to have snapchat, Instagram etc which I don't. I know I need to step up and sort this out

@user1471503652

I was torn at one point. I seriously thought she was on the spectrum. One thing that stood out for my DD was that she never had meltdowns after prolonged social time/school etc.

It was always when she just couldn’t get her own way.

My friends daughter was like this and eventually at the age of 13 she completely emptied her room after one massive outburst where she threw the remote and smashed the family tv. Her room was cleared of anything deemed "luxury" or "unnecessary". So she ended up with a bed, wardrobe, clothes for the week (including uniform), hairbrush and deodorant. Then she had to earn back the other stuff, she was straight home from school but allowed to do sports.

I have no idea if that was right or wrong but it worked!

What @Mardyface said.
She hasn't got the skills to verbalise her feelings so they are acted out.
Right now, you could ask her does she want to go and get an ice cream just the two of you something like that. Or bake something together.
Turn the negative situation into something nice and move on. Moving on rather than both if you staging a protest.
When she is calm, ask her what might be a good way to be asked to put her PJs on, and what does it feel like for her when she is asked to.

Yes this isn’t uncommon amongst teenage girls. I don’t know what the PC answer is but I can only imagine how my parents would have reacted if I pulled this kind of thing and I have to say I think the more old fashioned way was better when it comes to this. She’s old enough to know better.
I would stamp on this hard and squish it down or it’s going to last through her teenage years.

She can be sullen, she can be moody but make clear to her that she’s going to do it in silence or else there will be serious consequences. And make them deadly serious. That’s all teen (or tween) girls like this respond to.

You can listen to those saying to be understanding of her if you want but I garuntee that will only get you 5 or so years of moody teen hell.

@ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner

It was right. You can’t coddle this away. Some aspects of older style parenting worked better for some situations - this is one of them.

@Felicity42

Out of curiosity, how do you actually know she hasn’t got the skills to verbalise those feelings? Particularly at the age of 12. I mean you might actually be right but I wouldn’t just automatically assume this to be the case.

I used to bake cakes with my DD all the time. She still had rage attacks when she wasn’t getting her own way. I validated her feelings over and over again. It didn’t work.

Your method would work on one of my other children for sure but sometimes asking certain children how it feels to them when you’ve gave them a simple instruction to put PJs on is the wrong approach. Some kids would take the opportunity to milk that for all it was worth.

You’re asking them to put PJs on, not asking them to participate in slave labour. We don’t need to discuss feelings about being asked to put PJs on. It’s a non negotiable perfectly reasonable request. A 12 year old knows that deep down.

Sounds very much like my ASD daughter. Exactly as you've described only mine is a bit older now and with lots of support we are in a much better place than 10 years ago.
Have a look at what Tony Attwood has written about girls and women with autism to see if that rings any bells.

Also something I read in the Explosive Child in the early days of my search for help is that 'kids do well if they can' so in your calm and stable household when she's not doing well there's a reason. Once you can work out that reason (much easier said than done, unfortunately) you can work with her to help regulate her behaviour, cope with transitions and make things a lot calmer for everyone.

Good luck, I really feel your pain. Don't fight her though, you won't get the behaviour changes you need but you will exhaust yourself.

Your daughter sounds like mine 20 years ago. She sounds as tho she has borderline personality disorder and needs psychological help. They are toxic people and no matter how much you love them, they will make your life a living hell get help for her asap!!

I don't think there's a one size fits all answer. There's a place for strict boundary setting of course but I don't think that should replace building the relationship as strongly as you can, especially at 12 with the teenage years coming up. I think it should be approached from both directions as something to work on together rather than immediately turning combative. Depends on your own personality, too, there's no point pretending to be the tough love sort if you are not, kids sniff bullshit out and you have to be yourself. A yourself that doesn't take shit from 12 yr olds, obviously

A simple way to take control of the mobile is to put an app on it where you control when and for how long it is on. Dd has hers ‘on’ 7:30am to 8pm - it will deny her access out of these hours unless we authorise more. Also means that when she is being sanctioned we don’t need to have the fight over handing it over!! I also found the threat of raising the issues with school (even if the behaviour doesn’t happen there) enough to make her think hard about whether she wants others to know how she treats her family.