Anxious about leaving the house with a newborn

[Teaandbiscuits91]

My baby is 4 weeks old and my DH is due to go back to work next week and I’m terrified. We’ve not got out loads whilst he was on paternity leave as I was in hospital longer than planned and our baby is very fussy so it’s often easier to stay home. But I feel like I really need to get out now but I’ve run out of time for having help from DH. I’m so scared of my baby having a meltdown. When he has meltdowns at home, it can take hours to settle him. He’s a really fussy feeder too (EBF) and can take ages to feed. He also can’t be put down. How am I supposed to go for coffee or lunch or anything?!

He does like the sling but I find it hard to put on on my own so if I need to get him out and put him back in on my own in public, I don’t know how I’d manage it.

any tips? I’m so anxious.

Put him in the pram not the sling and walk to the end of the road or round the block, come home if the baby is really unsettled.
Repeat the next day and go a bit further, increase a bit more each day.

Once you get used to it you might plan to pop to the shop or see a friend or the park.

Babies cry, they won't break or be damaged by crying and no one else will bat an eyelid when they do ,the most they'll do is shoot you a sympathetic look or words of solidarity.

Just take it one step at a time. x

It's scary, especially with your first but it'll be fine. Babies cry, so don't worry about that (if it's really bad, especially after feeling, look into CMPA)

Don't pile on the challenges, if you know the sling is difficult, practice at home until you are confident before you use it out.

Go somewhere close to home to start with so you can leave if you feel you need to. Have you got a coffee shop you can walk to?

Once you've done it a couple of times you really do get used to it quickly. But learn from my experience and always take the full changing bag to change them. Otherwise baby will take the opportunity to pee everywhere and you'll have nothing but a clean nappy and some wipes to hand!

especially after feeding*

When I was a new mum at 21 I was too clueless to be anxious. I just put him in a sling and got on the bus and went shopping for the day. Nobody died.

Just go for a short little walk. Or just to your local shop to get some milk. I think you’re thinking too big and it’s making you more anxious. You don’t need to go straight from just being at home to a big shopping trip or a lunch out or anything else like that.

I think as long as they’ve just been fed, being in a pram generally keeps babies asleep. Although I appreciate all babies are different. You might come across other parents pushing their prams just so their DCs finally nap! And if he cries, he cries. That’s what babies do, it’s ok!

Not helpful, diamond

OP I remember my first day alone with the baby and also the first time I managed to drive to the shops! Getting the sodding pram/buggy into the boot after what I thought was a good trip rather deflated me.

It feels daunting and like such a big responsibility. I second the advice to go round the block and then just go further and further from there once you're happier.

I agree start small local walks- after a feed put him in the pram and go for a walk. Honestly worst that will happen he cries and you walk back, if he does a giant poo you walk back.
Nothing else will happen.
eventually you won’t care, you’ll walk, he’ll cry, you’ll find a bench and feed.
Even if you were in the supermarket with him and he wanted to feed, what’s the worst that happens, you abandon a trolley of shopping- so what.
baby steps- you’ll get there OP.

As a new mum at a similar age I was the opposite. I lost all my youthful plot armour and suddenly realised how dangerous the world was. Cars, dogs, trees, all sorts of completely innocuous things suddenly posed a threat to my PFB.

My mum was much more pragmatic and insisted I went places, promising to throw herself in front of cars, dogs, trees to protect us. Fortunately it never came to that.

Being serious, OP, it's perfectly normal to feel anxious about going out and about with a newborn. Just take small steps and it'll soon be second nature.

Get a sling like an ergobaby which is so, so easy to use on your own.

Start small. Have trusted friends or family with you or meeting you there.

It definitely gets easier and you will panic less when they cry.

Take a big muslin/blanket for feeding if you feel shy. Found the vest top under a normal top easier for feeding discreety so pull your normal top up, vest top down and there's hardly any skin exposed. I found when I fed in cafes on my own the staff would bring me things without asking!

It will be ok. Don't aim for lunch, if you can get yourself dressed and the baby in the pram and get out of the front door you're winning. Come back when you're ready. Repeat. Some days you won't get far, and that's fine, you can always try again. You'll be breezing about before you know it. Be kind to yourself.

Just want to let you know that you're not alone, @Teaandbiscuits91. I felt the same way and was absolutely bricking it when DH had to go back to work after paternity leave. I got through it and so will you, promise

As @MrsPelligrinoPetrichor said take it step by step. I'd suggest folding / unfolding the pram on your own and making sure you have a changing bag packed and ready if you plan to be out properly as opposed to just walking round the block. Feeling prepared will hopefully make you feel a bit calmer leaving the house on your own.

Which sling do you have? As in can you practise putting it on and off on your own before you head out or just not feasible? I have a fabric one which was fiddly until I found a YouTube video and a structured one which is still impossible without an extra pair of hands!

My HV told me that fussy babies often settle down and become
more peaceful at some point between 8 - 12 weeks, I hope this might be the case for you. My DS was a colicky monster who used to feed for an hour at a time... I remember doing a short walk in the local park with him in his pram at about 6 weeks in absolute despair, he was howling and howling despite being fed, warm, winded etc and nothing I did seemed to make any difference. at about 8 weeks I could put him down and he would kick about and smile and later on I was fine going to cafés and so on. Good luck - things will get better x

Practice getting sling on and off. It's a game changer if you can use it easily. I have a Close Caboo which is incredibly easy to use and I am the least dexterous person in the world.

I'm the opposite in that staying in is worse for my mental health so I have to get us out every day, but sling is great because DD tends to just sleep the entire time She's less settled in pram so I prefer not to use that for longer trips but fine for popping to shop.

Maybe sign up for a class? It'll get you out and everyone will be in same boat with crying babies!

Oh and you'll probably find sling will allow you to have lunch etc. I went out for lunch today with 6wo DD in sling and she just slept the entire time, even when I dropped crumbs on her head Pram I would have to keep moving it and it's more of a pain.

Can you tell I REALLY love the sling? I have another child too so it's also invaluable for having my hands free to help her with stuff.

Bully for you 🙄

Definitely just do a short trip out first. Bit of a walk and into a shop. Get a treat or something nice for tea. Take the pram if the sling is too complicated. If baby cries and you feel you have to go home then so be it.

Then you can build up to longer trips. I felt the same! Unfortunately to go anywhere other than a housing estate I had to drive, so for the first few days I just went for walks around the streets and then I took the plunge and drove to a shop by myself with the baby. Pretty sure he slept the entire time, even with me sweating struggling to get the car seat in/out the car and put up the pram etc.

Will also say the first time I took my eldest to the shops during term time I looked around, all around me were mothers with young kids, some kicking off some not- no one else cares I promise you, they are too busy with their own children

I found a stretchy wrap was better than a structured sling at that age, you watch YouTube til you get the hang of putting it on, then you can keep the sling on and pop the baby in and out.

I wouldn't try for a meal or coffee, a wander round the shops or something where you're on the move is best. Time it so it's after a meal when baby is likely to be sleeping anyway.

And start small, my first outing was to the postbox 5 min walk down the road, then just circular ones in my neighborhood. You can save the more daunting trips to the weekend.

Stick him in a pram and off you go. I think it was the second day I took my off to the shop to buy stamps. Mothers have been doing this forever, don't make it into something to be anxious about. And tbh, I never had a meal out in peace with my babies but it didn't stop me trying.

Remember, it may be an awful sound to you, but newborns aren't really that loud, if they cry a lot it won't be in everybody's face at all.

If you're finding the sling difficult to put on on your own, maybe you need a different one? If it's a purely fabric one, one with clips could be much easier.

As people have said, start small and build up. Getting out with your newborn does feel very faffy the first few weeks, but it does get easier.

Just overall, never let what anyone else might think restrict where you go with your baby!

I remember 4 weeks old being a nightmare - colicky baby around dinner time, husband out working late shifts, and all the anxiety of being on my own, in sole charge of this brand new baby with no back up plan! It’s a scary time, but also temporary and wonderful.

If getting out of the house feels difficult this week that’s totally understandable. Next week might feel totally different! Or it might not, and that’s okay too.

Maybe you could invite a friend over for a 30 min cuppa to get some company and practice looking after the baby while chatting to someone, or ask them for help with the sling. And like others have said, just try a little walk down the street and back and build up from there. No need to shower or do your hair, just pop baby in the pram straight after a feed and change, and get yourselves out into the fresh air for a little bit. I used to find getting my son out into fresh air, whether walking him in the pram or just standing in the garden for a bit, calmed the colic.

This x

I had a newborn like yours too OP. Really fussy with breastfeeding, cried a lot, could scream for hours in the pram and hated being put down. He wasn’t a big fan of the sling either, but I was going stir crazy in the house, so I effectively forced the issue at about the stage you are. I’d give him a big breastfeed, pop him in the sling and put some headphones in (so I couldn’t hear the cries of protest) and set off. Sounds cruel, but he’d quite often cry himself to sleep within minutes of being in the sling then sleep for ages. I have to say things like cafes and lunches would have caused me too much stress with the way he was - I know mothers have been doing it forever, but I couldn’t relax at all with an overtired, overwired newborn yelling at me whilst I was trying to sip my latte (as happened on a fair few occasions). PPs are correct though - nobody around me cared he was screaming, in fact loads of people were lovely about it. But I did have loads of lovely walks I now look back on relatively fondly in an otherwise pretty shitty time!

As a slight aside, it will get better. My difficult newborn is now my wonderful, easy going toddler who is conversely now extremely easy to take out!

My baby is a screamer and like you I was very anxious at first. But honestly after a while you just stop caring. Babies cry. People you encounter while out and about only have to deal with it for a few moments so don't stay locked up at home for fear of disturbing anyone, that's crazy!

The way my baby screams sometimes I get some real looks and a lot of unsolicited advice about how to soothe her but I just smile and carry on with my day, sometimes a breezy 'oh she'll run out of steam in a minute dont worry' will do the trick too.

Getting out and about will do you and baby a lot of good so please don't stay home (unless you want to of course) for fear of what other people think. The chances are your baby will sleep the whole time anyway.

I would suggest finding a breastfeeding support group.
Open to all breastfeeding women, it is a way to connect with others, become confident feeding publically.
The conversation is usually braod and will cover fussy babies, nightime routines, how to get out and about with a baby.
Plus yuo will meet others in the same situation.

Practise at home putting buggy up and down.
Have changing bag with all contents next to it - keep it topped up as needed so you don’t need to pack it when you go out.
Try sling and pushchair. See which is better for you/for baby.
Short walks to start off with and increase as you grow in confidence. There will be crying, poo up the back etc. That’s ok. You baby will be totally fine.
Find a mum meet up- great to swap tips/experiences and realize you are not the only one dealing with x or y