My 18 day old doesn’t like me, she much prefers her dad

[sasscass]

after feeding, she can’t be put straight back in the crib or else she gets the hiccups and she starts grunting and flailing her arms about until she spits up. She needs to be held up right for a long long time and even then sometimes she isn’t comfortable and she cries, it takes her falling asleep in your arms to finally be transferred to the crib without a fuss. This is a new thing, it started about 5 days ago. She used to just fall asleep without all of this fussing about. I think she has reflux and she’s uncomfortable. Either that or she wants to feel secure and to be held, but she has a preference of who she is held by.

her dad and I take it in turns to feed her and what not. I’ve been extremely sleep deprived so I’ve had a solid 4 hours sleep some nights and her dad has looked after her while I rest. Her dad told me that she fell asleep in his arms and he lay her back down in the crib, but then she woke up crying again for his attention so had to pick her back up again. When I pick her up, it seems to soothe her for a short amount of time but then she starts screaming her head off again, but with her dad, she seems to find comfort in his arms. I don’t know whether it’s because he is chubby and he has got padded arms so he’s more comfortable to lie on, but she seems to prefer him over me. She’s only 18 days , correct me if I’m wrong, I thought that was too early to form personal attachments.

i thought newborns were meant to find comfort with their mothers, and to have that automatic bond with them after spending 9 months inside their womb but clearly not in my case. I find it upsetting.

any opinions?

Are you breastfeeding? It might be that you smell like milk ando so the baby knows there is food nearby. When my husband worked night shifts and I was at home with a newborn, I took to wearing his Tshirts because our son would settle so much better for him.

It sounds like you are both doing a great job with her, well done
she definitely doesn’t have strong feelings at this point, it’s all reflexes and instinct

She might still be hungry and associates the smell of you with the potential for more food, which is why she is fussing but doesn’t with him.

and she might just need longer to wind, rather than it being full blown reflux. One of mine was a very slow burper and would need a good while sleeping on me or Dh before he could go back in his cot

They are funny little things at this stage and change their preferences all the time, so don’t worry too much.

You’ll all settle into a rhythm soon…

@glamourousindierockandroll i plan on breastfeeding eventually but either her latch or the positioning isn’t right at the moment so I express milk for her and put it in a bottle but she’s mostly having formula.

it’s weird how that happens, I always thought babies naturally preferred their mothers. Did this change as he grew up or has he always been a daddy’s boy?

then she woke up crying again for his attention

Babies don't do this. They cry because they need something. They don't cry for a specific person at 18 days.

Surely it's good that your h can settle her and it's not all down to you?

I'd suggest you read something about the fourth trimester and what babies need, and take your LO to see the HV re reflux.

One of my DC was absolutely fixated on Daddy as a baby. I shed many tears over it at the time, and was convinced it was something I'd done wrong, that I was a bad mother, etc, etc, etc. It turned out that toddlers suited me better than babies did, and the DC were all obsessed with me when they were toddlers. Their father couldn't cope with them at all, and barely got a look-in as a result. These things can and do change. There have been various phases since then, so the chances are it will be the same with you.

@tenbob thank you! we really try lol

could the smell of food thing still apply eventhough I don’t breastfeed her? I leak milk and I express some for her, her latch isn’t correct and it hurts my nipples when she sucks on them but I still let her do it while her dad is making up her formula bottles just to keep her quiet.. and I noticed ever since I started letting her soothe herself by sucking on my nipples she has been fussier than usual. So maybe you have hit the nail on the head there.

we burp her throughout her feeds, then after she finishes the bottle, we hold her for a bit and we put her back in the burping position and pat her back and she usually burps again. She seems to be a very windy baby. She wasn’t this bad earlier on, it all started in the past week with the fussiness and what not.

She's going to get really confused if you're allowing her to latch and then taking her off to give her formula, that really isn't going to help settle her. If you aren't going to breastfeed, that's totally fine, but introduce a dummy.

She will absolutely be able to smell milk on you.

Is there an infant feeding team at your hospital?

If you can afford it search for an IBCLC (lactation consultant) near you, they are amazing. Will come out and watch you feed and assess latch and positioning and tongue tie etc- I had loads of people check DS and said he was fine and then an IBCLC spotted he was 80% tied at 6 weeks.

It's still early days so you've got lots of time to crack breastfeeding if you want to- you may find that she's less windy on the breast as well.

@bloodyunicorns i was thinking that but she goes quiet when he picks her up and she’s content, but she doesn’t always do that with me. More often than not she continues to fuss, and she’s not hungry and we have burped her etc.

i personally think she’s got reflux and her lying down flat in the crib worsens it, just doesn’t explain why she cries with me because I sit her upright when holding her.

it is a good thing that he can soothe her and it’s not all down to me, the only thing that upsets me about it is that her dad has the mindset of “if she throws up she throws up, not my problem” (he has actually said that) and he just places her back in the crib after burping her. But I worry about her not keeping enough down and losing weight, I see her struggle and go bright red in the face and I pick her up. It feels so cruel to leave her but her dad just goes back to sleep and tells me to ignore her.

i told the health visitor and she said that as long as she’s gaining weight then it’s fine. I don’t know how true that is but she surpassed her birthweight when she was one week old.

Well, weighing her regularly will help to reassure you. But she may have silent reflex, where she is in pain but she carries on putting on weight.

Perhaps your h holds her more firmly than you do, and she likes that?

My daughter went through a spell like this… it’s almost certainly that she can smell your milk and so gets herself all wound up. With her daddy she can just relax and go back to sleep. A dummy might work for soothing but on the other hand might not help with the latch. For me - and everyone is different - breastfeeding did hurt for maybe the first two weeks and then it settled down and doesn’t hurt at all now.

@ladydimitrescu i know. I was told that it’s good to persevere with trying to breastfeed her, practicing and what not. My supply isn’t enough for her at the moment so I can’t exclusively breastfeed even if she did latch properly, I want to be able to eventually but it’s not do-able at the moment so she needs the formula. The bottle teat she has is made for switching between bottle feeding and breastfeeding and it states on the product description that it helps reduce nipple confusion.

not sure what to do really because I was told that her nursing on my breast despite her dodgy latch would help my milk supply increase and I was told to do it by the health visitor.
the last thing I want to do is confuse her and to make life harder but I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is at this point

@Fleur405 even if I don’t breastfeed she can still smell my milk? I do leak and I express it with an electric pump.

i thought that the fact that it hurts when nursing her was due to her latch not being correct, because the breast pump doesn’t hurt. It feels sharp at first but the pain eases off after a minute but my daughter makes my nipples a bit sore, she doesn’t seem to get any milk from them when sucking. She sucks and either pulls away crying or she sucks and she eventually just falls asleep on my breast only to wake up minutes later crying for her bottle. I don’t produce enough to breastfeed her right now

Breastfeeding is a supply and demand thing. You mentioned you wanted to breastfeed fully one day but you need to let her feed on you and skip the formula to boost your supply and fully establish breastfeeding.

Also try the other boob if she pulls off the one. My baby used to do this and was a game changer once I was given this tip. Good luck!

@Teapot1990 even though her latch is wrong? I would do this but she makes my nipple sore and she doesn’t get any milk when she’s on my breast. I can tell she doesn’t by how she sucks and how her jaw moves.

i pump 3 times a day and it’s steadily increasing. I’ll have to get back in touch with the health visitor regarding her latch

and thank you!

i think youre overthinking it. Be grateful he can settle her. It doesnt detract from your role

@Branleuse that isn’t my worry at all

See a breastfeeding specialist urgently so you can determine if you're going to breastfeed or not. Your daughter will be able to smell it and it will be frustrating for her. Babies throw up - it's normal. My dd did it all the time. As pp said, as long as she us putting on weight all is good. Moat babies have reflux. If it hasn't passed at 3mnths get to a GP. In the meantime infacol, gripe water or colief. There may be others since I used them 9 years ago. Get a dummy and stop soothing on your breast- this cld also be leading to swallowing air. And she definitely doesn't prefer one parent - you sound very anxious, which is normal, and you could do with talking to someone about your feelings - just to get them off your chest. Do you have someone?

I feel your frustration re the latch. I went through the same thing when my baby was a similar age. Have you got any lanisoh for nipples to make them better? Could baby just be comfort suckling on times when you don't think she's having any milk? They get better at breastfeeding as time goes on, practice makes perfect!

If you’ve got milk, she can smell it!

You’re right, a good latch doesn’t hurt but it can take a bit of practise on both your part and baby’s to get it right (it’s supposed to be the most natural thing in the world but that doesn’t mean it’s easy) and it’s not uncommon for it to hurt a bit in the beginning.

She absolutely can smell the milk. I would say that if your planning to breast feed you might need to keep her latched/let her feed from you to build up supply. My two birth children were micro preemies and although I pumped a lot to bring in my milk but it was only when they were strong enough to to feed properly (suck) themselves that my supply really kicked in.
Can you afford a lactation consultant who can help you sort out the latch and eliminate any possible issues such as tongue tie?

She knows daddy doesn't have milk so there's no point yelling. She absolutely can smell you and your milk so she is telling you that's what she wants. She can't talk so she can only cry to communicate. So actually her crying with you is positive as it means she wants to be on the boob.

Hope you get the latch sorted out, as it sounds when you've got that she will be feeding fine.

Nose to nipple, tummy to tummy. Baby big wide mouth and bung her on. Should get a deeper latch.

I have two children OP (13 and 10) both of whom I am very close to (and breastfed and agree with the advice).

But I the baby I settled the easiest was not my own. And it was because I was relaxed I could hold her I was visiting and I did not have cleaning to do or sleep to catch up on. I just held her - and she picked up on that I was relaxed.

By the time I figured that out mine were older! But I imagine your husband is well aware that he can catch up on sleep etc so isnt so frustrated. Then coupled now with this she is probably figuring it out

Honestly, breastfeeding can be quite sore, at least for a while. Obviously, if her latch is wrong that will make it worse. Is there a BF support group where someone can check your latch?

I remember when a good friend had a baby, she would settle so well for her dad; he’s a calm, slightly chunky type, who would just snuggle her in. My friend was a sleep deprived shell of a woman, which came across in the way she was holding the baby, rocking her and trying to wind her. It’s not a judgement on you, or a sign of preference from her. Just be glad she’ll settle for someone, the rest will come.