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Original poster

Help! Its time to ditch the dummy

51 replies

Babyboy2020 · 01/08/2022 23:04

Need some advice /moral support / prayers to the dummy God.

My son has had a dummy since the health visitor advised it when he was a few months old. It has been a lifesaver as he had silent reflux so mostly it allowed us a way to soothe him quicker, and saliva is a natural antacid. Mostly great.

He is almost 2. No reflux issues any longer and I hate that dummy. Always have.. but it helped him.

He doesn't have it at all during the day. Only for naps and sleep. Only in the cot. And at nursery 3 days a week he naps fine without one now - has done for months.

We are going to try cold turkey from tomorrow night while my husband is on holiday.

How awful is this going to be? Any advice? My son won't understand the concept of a dummy fairy. He already has a comforter to sleep with. I don't think cutting a hole in one would help as he will just get frustrated and not sure its safe.

Can't think of a better strategy than just taking it away and riding out whatever nightmare ensues..

Send help!!

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ToastedWaffle · 01/08/2022 23:06

My kids were both okay with it and settled fairly quickly without it. I actually said the dummy fairy was coming to take the dummies away or some other such nonsense. They seemed to adapt pretty well.

Throwawaytoday · 01/08/2022 23:13

We had a similar dummy experience to you, I hadn't anticipated giving DD one, but it soothed her and her silent reflux so well, by the age of 2 she only had it to sleep (and only at home).

One day we corralled all the dummies and binned them. We told DD that she was getting too big, that they were to help babies sleep, but she was now a toddler.

It took a few nights of moaning and groaning and the occasional over-tired crying. But we stuck to our guns.

She didn't forget though, for months when she was sad or tired she'd cry for her dummy, and we'd repeat the same thing about her being too big.

Even now, age 5, if she sees an older kid with a dummy she looks at us reproachfully (equally looks at babies with dummy yearnfully).

No regrets though, it had served its purpose, and she had a whole mouthful of teeth to protect.

parietal · 01/08/2022 23:26

we ditched them overnight. got a new cuddly toy to give comfort instead of the dummy and just rode out the 3 days of grumpiness. then all was fine.

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LolaO · 02/08/2022 01:12

Could you wait a few months? They develop so fast in terms of understanding at that age and by 2.5 DD totally “got” the idea of a dummy fairy, and happily put all her dummies in a box for the fairy to take (and in exchange she was left a doll that she loved and still has several years later). No tears, no drama.

MaudieTipstaff · 02/08/2022 01:23

I like the softly, softly approach. We did cold turkey with DC1 and I felt really guilty at all the tears.
For the others we just put the dummy in a drawer in the bedroom and put them to bed without it. Sometimes they got it out the drawer and we said nothing but made sure they put it back in the drawer.
When they slept without it we made a huge fuss. It took about five weeks before they slept with it completely.

statetrooperstacey · 02/08/2022 01:52

I just wouldn’t make him give it up yet , sorry, I dont know why you/ anyone would take comfort away from a child . It’s not doing any harm ? Let him have it a bit longer then when he has a bit more understanding you can have a little ceremony and bury it in the garden ( read him the book the doodoo tree) with a sunflower seed or something.

Original poster
Babyboy2020 · 02/08/2022 19:35

There are a multitude of reasons for getting rid of it. Each to their own bit for us they're a pain and now more trouble than they're worth. They are exacerbating the eczema around his mouth at night, they are unhygienic, he has a full mouth of teeth, the can lead to more ear infections.. the list goes on. Now we are past the SIDS risk and his reflux has settled its game over for the dummies.

He doesn't need it he does without for the whole day and for sleep at nursery. He has a source of comfort a comforter he takes to bed every night. The dummy is habit, and may well provide comfort but that comfort can be found in other ways which are better for him now.

I could leave it a few months, bjt I suspect we will have the same issue. We chose now because my husband has holiday from work so disrupted sleep won't affect him as much.

In the end I've had a couple of conversations today about a friends baby and how she is a baby and needed the dummies to sleep. He said he understood at the time but.. bedtime isn't going well.

He normally settles within 5/10 mins no crying and that's it for the majority of the night (most nights) I've had to go in once after 10 mins of crying already and he calmed right down but then wound himself up as soon as I left. He's sat up in the cot yelling again now. Ill give it another 10 mins and go in to comfort him.

I suspect this will be an unsettled night, and probably tomorrow's naps will be off and tomorrow night a PITA too.

Ambitious to hope he's settled again after 2 nights? Is this worth it? Is this something most people with kids who have had dummies go through?

I was hoping for some real life experiences and solidarity to get us through it.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 02/08/2022 19:39

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Dummies are great for little babies but they're totally unnecessary for toddlers and IMO you're doing your son a huge favour by ditching it now. He's gonna be pissed for a few days, and then he'll forget.

Conversely, my friend did "the dummy fairy" when her DS was about 3.5, he understood it perfectly, and gave them up OK, but now at nearly 5 he still steals dummies from the babies at nursery. It's honestly grim, he tried to take one off a kid on the bus the other day.

NuffSaidSam · 02/08/2022 19:40

I'd wait. It's so unnecessary to put them through it at this age.

NrlySp · 02/08/2022 19:53

Got rid of the dummy for both my Ds
DS1 - we hung the dummy on a tree and in the morning the dummy fairy had swapped it for a lovely gift. A gift that he really wanted. I forget what now - he’s a teenager. But it was something he really liked.
DS 2 - he grudgingly agreed to give it to the baby ducks as he was a big boy and didn’t need it anymore. We were at centre parks. The next year we went back and he threw a stone at the ducks for taking his dummy 😂
Anyway either way we got rid of the dummy. So have a think about your child’s personality and what might work.

Original poster
Babyboy2020 · 02/08/2022 20:16

Thats the thing he's so stubborn, he wants what he wants and is strong willed. I've considered cutting a hole in one so he naturally gets the idea that its useless, but he would just get frustrated and I think it would prolong the whole thing.

He's drifted off now (I think through sheer exhaustion!) As its an hour after his usual bedtime. So an hour of crying. I went in twice and had a decent chat with him each time. Repeated that our friends baby had the dummies so she could sleep as she's a baby and now he's a big boy and doesn't need them.

I feel like a total bitch listening to him cry. Logical brain also knows that toddler brain wants dummy and can't understand the holistics of the situation and what's in his best interests at this stage if development overall.

He will definitely wake crying tonight when he stirs and can't find it.

Hoping this won't last too long. Husband annoyed already. I need wine and a crew of supportive mumsnetters to get me through the process of riding this out.

I know he won't be 25 with a dummy. I could wait. But it'll just be the same deal in 6 or 12 months time. We waited until the reflux had gone and we were past the SIDS stage. We've got rid of it during the day. Then at nursery. This is the last hurdle. I know my son, he's not going to willingly put it in the bin. Maybe when he's 5 and the other big boys don't have dummies.. but I'm not willing to let him have the thing at 5.

OP posts:
CantaloupeMelon · 02/08/2022 20:19

Good luck OP! Glad he's settled now, hope tonight is ok🤞

Original poster
Babyboy2020 · 02/08/2022 20:22

@MolliciousIntent thank you, I need to hear that right now. I just feel awful knowing he's upset because of something he wants that I won't give him. I've caused the crying by taking away something that brings him comfort.

Logical brain knows this is in his best interests, considering him as an individual at this stage of his development. That for (what I pray is a few nights at worst) of disruption it will be better in the long run.

But crikey. Give me strength. Let's hope he sleeps for a few hours at least. Suspect ill be up and down like a yo yo tonight

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CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 02/08/2022 20:22

DD only had hers for naps and nighttime in the end, we took it off her at around 16 months and she had one bad night and that was it. We found she slept much better as she wasn't constantly waking up looking for it. She has a teddy that she cuddles instead now.

Original poster
Babyboy2020 · 02/08/2022 20:23

@CantaloupeMelon thank you :-)

He's sat up and yelling again though.. lasted 23 minutes. Argh.

OP posts:
dummymummy123 · 02/08/2022 20:24

My DS is turning 2 at the end of the month & we are on night nine of no dummy. We weren’t going to give it up until he understood but he had chewed holes in 3 dummies in the space of a week.

It actually hasn’t been as bad as we expected. We sat by the cot with him, rubbing his back for the first few nights. He settles without it now as long as we are sat in the room with him. I’m willing to put up with it for the moment.

Naps are a bit more challenging atm.

Scottishgirl85 · 02/08/2022 20:31

We took dummy away at night when dd turned 2. We bought a big bag of giant buttons and explained that she was too grown up for dummies and she could put them in the bin in exchange for a button. She got a button everytime she got into bed without dummy for a week or so. It was really smooth process, no issues. Think it helped that she placed them in bin herself and said bye-bye dummies!

Scottishgirl85 · 02/08/2022 20:33

I should add, we told her a few weeks in advance that the dummies would go on her birthday, so she had sufficient warning. Communication is key.

Haudyourwheesht · 02/08/2022 21:00

My DD was very much in love with her dummy but (mostly) adapted to life without it in a few nights. They've never had to learn to self- settle before now, having had a dummy since birth, so it's going to take a bit of adaptation. She's mostly ok without it now. (The 'mostly' is because I'm on holiday and she's sleeping badly atm but I'm not sure the dummy would have helped!)

Original poster
Babyboy2020 · 02/08/2022 21:01

And he's back down. I sat next to the cot for 10 mins until he fell back to sleep and shusshhhed him in a soothing fashion.

In hindsight I probably should have communicated what was coming to him sooner and more thoroughly. Part of me thought he wouldn't grasp the concept of this thing happening in the future and part of me thought there would be resistance in any event. So I had a chat to him this morning and then again this evening and again when he woke yelling for the dummy. Maybe it would have gone smoother had we had a conversation about it weeks before.

I feel like it's done now and the only choice is to cave in and give it back, thereby needing to start the whole process again (and this has all been for nothing) or keep going and ride it out. Husband already pissed off and told me I should just give the dummy back. He's not going to sleep tonight (think he meant our son) and its what I want so thats that (but gets annoyed that I feel alone with these things and have said as much!)

AAARRGGGHHHH

OP posts:
prettyugly · 02/08/2022 21:04

We did cold turkey, and dropped daughter's nap at the same time. She was upset for a night or two, but was so tired she went to sleep quickly anyway.

Topjoe19 · 02/08/2022 21:26

If he just has it for sleep I'd let him keep it. My DD gave hers up eventually by herself without any major dramas & big upset.

Haudyourwheesht · 02/08/2022 22:07

If he's sleeping, stick with it. If he thinks you'll cave if he makes a fuss, it'll be harder to get him to ditch it in the future. My DD did settle faster than we thought she would (3 nights, each quicker than the last).

💐 and🍷 for you though.

Original poster
Babyboy2020 · 02/08/2022 22:24

Thank you @Haudyourwheesht !

He's still down- an hour and a half now. I've started the work laptop up again as anticipating little sleep. But I can hope. He's moved a little but not much.

This parenting malarkey is tough going. Trying to find a balance between raising a psycho and some form of Norman Bates. Aiming for a non lunatic all round.

He's a pretty good kid so far, even if I say so myself. Happy boy, cheeky sense of humour and curious about the world. I never knew I could love someone so much until I met him. He's the total light of my life, and drives me batty, all at the same time!

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JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 02/08/2022 22:33

I let DD have hers at night until she was ready to stop. She had quite a collection of dummies but if she chewed a dummy and made a hole in it, she was told it would be thrown away and not replaced.

She had 2 left up until she was 5. No problems with her health at all. No anguish. She just decided she didn't need them any more and that was that. Painless.

Obviously it's your choice but I don't understand why anyone takes away something a small child uses for comfort. I heard of one woman who dipped her child's dummy in vinegar so they wouldn't like the taste of it. I thought that was a really mean thing to do.