Help! Its time to ditch the dummy

[Babyboy2020]

Need some advice /moral support / prayers to the dummy God.

My son has had a dummy since the health visitor advised it when he was a few months old. It has been a lifesaver as he had silent reflux so mostly it allowed us a way to soothe him quicker, and saliva is a natural antacid. Mostly great.

He is almost 2. No reflux issues any longer and I hate that dummy. Always have.. but it helped him.

He doesn't have it at all during the day. Only for naps and sleep. Only in the cot. And at nursery 3 days a week he naps fine without one now - has done for months.

We are going to try cold turkey from tomorrow night while my husband is on holiday.

How awful is this going to be? Any advice? My son won't understand the concept of a dummy fairy. He already has a comforter to sleep with. I don't think cutting a hole in one would help as he will just get frustrated and not sure its safe.

Can't think of a better strategy than just taking it away and riding out whatever nightmare ensues..

Send help!!

We took DD's away because she has slightly buck teeth and the dentist advised us to to stop it getting worse. At nearly 3 I also felt it was the right time. She'd sometimes take a bit of persuading to give it up in the morning and I didn't like it impeding her speech either.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

Dipping it in vinegar sounds mad. Surely that would just cause confusion around why the thing the want is suddenly not 'right' but still there.

Every child is different, if they're not causing an issue then it makes no sense to change anything

In our case it is causing an issue. As I've said above, my son has persistent eczema around his mouth, hot weather and suncream isn't helping, made worse by the dummy keeping dribble round his mouth all night. I'd like to clear up that discomfort for him if we can.

He doesn't need it. I know this because he manages without at nursery and all day at home. He has a comforter overnight, which there is no need to remove as its beneficial and causing no harm. Its a habit thing at this stage and nothing more. I would never give him calpol, for instance because it was a habit if he didn't need it. The dummy is now having a negative effect for him so on balance, from a holistic viewpoint in the long term he is better without it.

If he won't sleep for a week and is hysterical I shall retract that statement and wholeheartedly admit this was the wrong call.

I had glue ear as a kid. I believe dummies can also lead to an increase in ear infections. He goes swimming once a week and if thats something he's susceptible to (already had one bout) I'd rather not increase the frequency for the poor boy.

There are a few reasons. But I'm not willing to make this a hill I die on either. Ultimately, I'll do whatever is best for him. If the short term pain is outweighing the long term gain it calls for a change of plan.

Thats why I'm interested in what others have experienced and what typically I should or could allow him to tolerate in the short term.

I'm winging it, first time parent.

We waited until DD was closer to 3 as then she understood dummy fairy. We had 1st night of tears at bedtime but just kept explaining, then she was sohappy with her present from the dummy fairy the next morning. Next couple of nights were easy as we just reminded her of her present and babies needed the dummies.

As others have said, waiting till he was a bit older may have been easier as his understanding would be there, but you're in the middle of it now, what present did you get him from the dummy fairy? Can you keep reminding him of that and how great it is?

Now you've started you can't stop otherwise it'll cause no end of confusion. I didn't want DS having a dummy but he ended up with one and when I was going to wean him off at 15 months, his father decided to leave so had to postpone as there was no way I was going to take his comfort away when he was going through the biggest upheaval of his little life.

Eventually at 18 months, things were settled enough to go cold turkey. I'd already whittled it down to just naps and bedtime and one day just took it away. The first night was unsettled but not too awful and then it was fine after that. No explanation, no getting used to the idea, no back tracking, it was just gone. He didn't even ask for it, just cracked on and that was that.

Telling my ex not to give him a dummy anymore was more of a ballache, naturally.

@Youcancallmeirrelevant ahh see, this is why I should have discussed it sooner with him and played up the present idea.

I 100% knew he would not have understood the concept of a dummy fairy right now so I abandoned the idea of a present altogether. He would have understood bribery and bartering though so I probably should have given him a present and reminded him he had it when he whinged for the dummy.

Perhaps it's not too late for that. I.e. buy him a present tomorrow as a reward for going without dummy tonight and remind him he has it instead of dummy in the forthcoming nights. Remind him he's a big boy and our friends baby has the dummies in the future if he asks for it. Maybe thats a good plan.

He did however go to bed with two extra soft toys that he selected himself from the toy box. Usually he would only go to bed with his comforter which stays in the cot for bedtime.

God, poor kid sounds like Oliver twist.

@TeddyBeans don't get me started. Husband chooses the path of least resistance every time. He said to me during the first wake up that I should just give him back the dummy.

We had discussed this. We chose to do it when he was on holiday from work so if his sleep was disrupted it mattered less (I'm still at work BTW, and the one getting up in the night)

But in the moment it seems as if its far too stressful for him. I feel like in reality I make the decisions and he just agrees then strops when it's something difficult. But also complains that he feels sidelined. If he had it his way we would all just agree to everything and have a nice easy life and there would be no disagreements. Pretty sure our son would end up like that spoilt kid from Charlie and the chocolate factory. Knowing if he cries enough he gets what he wants eventually anyway. Because that's less stressful for daddy.

He's gone to bed. Little man still asleep thank goodness, and do you know I actually think he is stirring less in his sleep than he usually does.

I strongly suspect at least one wake up in the wee hours and an early rise in the morning, but we shall see. Been down 3hrs 15 and counting. I live in hope that this is a one night thing (laughing inwardly as probably not)

I do wonder how naps will go tomorrow. Must remember to push the contraband to the back of the drawer where he can't see them before his beady eyes catch them in the morning!!

Good luck OP! I must say I applaud you for taking this on while you're still working and DH has a holiday, seems like a massive extra workload for yourself. How likely is your DH to give him one behind your back? Might be safer/easier to bin them altogether.

DS used to let his fall out when he was asleep and rarely woke up for it during the night. Hopefully your DS has a settled night from here on and tomorrow is an easy day for you

Watching with interest.
I've 2.5 year old twins. One twin loves his dummy; the other twin has never used one.

For the dummy-loving twin, he only has it for naps and nighttime. It stays in the cot. He has two dummies - one for his mouth and one he holds in his hand.
He's an anxious, sensitive boy, so I know he'll be devastated without the dummy.

I got the book " No More Dummies" and we read it every nap and nighttime. He says "soon" when I ask when are we giving up the dummies. I got special toddler ones, which are supposed to be better for his teeth.

I've no idea when we'll give up the dummies. I want to do it now. I'll warn him in advance, buy a special toy, and have a "ceremony" to put the dummies in a box for the babies. I hope to do it before Christmas.

18 months ago, the other twin didn't want to give up her bottle (with teat). We had a little ceremony, where she threw all her bottles in a box and said goodbye. She wouldn't drink milk for about 3 days, then suddenly switched and accepted a cup.

I'm hoping the other twin will accept the loss of the dummies as easily. He finds such comfort in holding the dummy in his hand though, I'm loath to do it.

Quick update on night one - the good lad only went and slept through! He woke up about 20 minutes ago. No waking in the small hours crying and I actually think he stirred less in the night. Usually he really is a wriggler.

I'll crack on with no dummy nap time today and hope bedtime goes well.

@Apollonia1 we have the glow in the dark orthodontic ones also. Strangely, sometimes when my son wakes in the night I would give him a second one to hold. He would chuck them about during the night though and I'm sure spends a chunk of time searching for a dummy either in the cot or one he's thrown on the floor.

Oh well done, I'm so glad it went well. When DC had to give it up, the first night was the worst. There were two further tricky nights then she was fine. You're over the worst of it!

Aww brilliant news @Babyboy2020! It'll hopefully be easier from here on in.

Cut the tip and the child won't like them anymore and will stop using them out of their own choice. Worked for me.

@OldGreyAppleTest thats good to know, thank you!

Its nap time now, so I've tried to time it thinking he will probably take a while to settle. Hopefully he will fall asleep around his 5hr wake window.

Hes in the cot but whinging a little on and off, he is led down at least. He has his comforter as usual and he has his non spill drinks cup as a distraction. Its not as bad as I thought tbh, he's not asleep but he's not crying out just rolling around.lots of eye rubbing going on so I'm hopeful.

Send prayers to the dummy gods.

P.S I've hidden them in our room out of sight and temptation and not mentioned them to him since bedtime last night. I'm pretty sure he is going to start stealing them from other kids

@Haudyourwheesht thank you :-) you guys are getting me through. I appreciate the hand hold more than you know and need it very much!

@TeachesOfPeaches I did think about that as I'd heard some good things when others had tried it. Decided on balance not to as I think he would just get frustrated that it wasn't bringing comfort, plus it doesn't solve the issue of it keeping the dribble on his skin. Maybe he would just spit it out though and it might have helped.

Someone really needs to write a parenting manual with all these hints and tips in it as a sort of emergency reference book that all new parents are issued upon the birth or arrival of their first child.

Not the sort of advice like 'sleep when baby sleeps' that you soon find out is total garbage, but the really useful stuff NOBODY tells you. Like baby boys get erections and thats totally normal, so no, you don't need to call your sister in law at 6am because you think your baby is broken. (True story) My husband didn't realise umbilical cords stayed on like that. He was horrified. I wasn't prepared for being bossed about by a two foot dictator with a sippy cup.

PRAISE BE TO THE BABY GODS! he's asleep. 20 minutes. Winning.

I'm going for a shower!

Eh, 40 minute nap. Normally he would have 1.5-2hrs.

Update. Night #2 short nap today and wouldn't resettle. He had a danger nap in the car at 5 ish for 30 mins. Eye rubbing through dinner, so up to bed at 7. A lowkey whinge for less than 1 minute, 20 minutes rolling about getting comfy and I thought we were onto a winner.

Alas, no. It is now an hour and 45 minutes after I put him to bed and I have been sitting by the cot on and off for the last hour or so. He lies down while I'm in here then as if by magic the second I am on the other side of the door he's sat up and yelling.

He does however seem to have a bit of a tummy bug.. so I'm wondering if thats causing discomfort and adding to the issue. His nappy is currently clean and dry, I have checked. I might be an arse but I'm not negligent.

Hoping I can get out of here to pack my work bag at some stage before midnight as I'm in the office tomorrow and I have sorted out precisely nothing. I'd quite like some dinner too. And maybe a bucket of wine.

Husband asked if I wanted anything on his way home. I told him wine, wine and fags and 10 grand and 10 days somewhere sunny, a mustang and my dignity and youth back.

I've just told little man a little too harshly that it's bedtime and in no uncertain terms to lie down and stop singing the song of his people. I've wiped the tears and I'm sitting in the corner of the room like a grumpy gremlin. He actually sounds like he's laid down and drifted off. He's making sleeping noises. Ill give it another 10 mins and try to escape again. Or 25. Just to be sure.

You're doing a good job. He's shown he can do

Keep going op! You're doing a cracking job. I'm just going to mention though, don't make a rod for your own back by staying with him until he falls asleep. That'll set a new precedent and then you'll find he will refuse to go to sleep unless you're there. I had a few months of that with DS and it was torture.

Thank you @peanutbutterjelly2 & @TeddyBeans I got quite close to cracking tonight. He is currently sparko.

We had a chat about how he's a big boy and dummies are for babies and that our friends baby has them. He has an extra dinosaur (soft) for bedtime and that daddy bought him new trains today for being a good boy and going to bed without his dummy. If he wants more trains he needs to sleep without dummy etc a couple of times before bed.

He didn't sleep through the night until 18 months. Weve had months on end of weaning off bottles during the night (got to the point of not drinking the milk because he wasn't hungry it was just a crutch) and then night waking.. moving the chair further away out the room. I learned very early on to NEVER get him out of the cot (unless he's injured obvs, never had that though) Game over if you pick him up. Absolutely agreed that I don't want to go back to that seventh circle nightmare.

Before dummy gate he was usually pretty good. Popped him in the cot, talked through his day, said goodnight, told him I love him and leave the room. He'd drift off within 10 mins.

On the odd occasion he wouldn't settle i'd need to go in and sit in the chair next to the cot. No talking. No fussing, maybe the occasional shussshhh noise but I think he just wanted to know his mum was there, which is fair enough.

I'm trying to give him 10 mins each time he stirs to see if he will resettle without needing me to go in. Its a balance between disturbing him more by going in or catching it before he's too wound up to settle.

On the plus side his face looks much less red today. I've covered him in the medicated axel grease from the dermatologist before bed. I'm hoping it's feeling better for him as well as looking less irritated.

It's tough but take each small victory as it happens and he'll get there.

I kind of have the opposite issue but also with the same aim of getting them to learn to self soothe.
We decided not to give DD a dummy as we managed fine without older DS having one and thought we'd do the same. The issue was that DS sucked him thumb and could self soothe whereas DD didn't and she ended up waking in the night every 2 or so hours to be held or fed.
Around 6 months old I cracked and tried to give her a dummy to fix the waking but she wouldn't take it as I presumed I had left it too late.

We decided on the Ferber method to get her to self soothe and sleep independently and it was such a success, with results within a couple of days. Although it was tough hearing her cry at first, I honestly think it was the best thing for her and has most definitely taught her to fall asleep independently and being able to do so has made her a lot less grouchy and more happy.

It might be worth looking at the Ferber method and seeing if you think it would work for your DS if he does wake looking for the dummy?

Night #3 update, I have an appointment on a Thursday evening so its usually my night to go out and DH puts little man to bed. I did wonder if I should give it a miss this Thursday, but stubbornly decided that no one gave me a manual, so do could cope. It went surprisingly well.

Bed at 7, yelled for a while maybe 20 mins, do spoke to him over the baby monitor and he stopped yelling. Tossed and turned for a while and went to sleep at 7.40 apparently.

I'm so thrilled I've arranged to see a friend tonight and I'm going out again!

Sorry, meant to check in again! How's it going OP? Sounds like you've had a lot of success so far 🤞

@TeddyBeans hey :-) I gave up posting cause I was shouting into a void 😆

Friday night also went well, cried a little bit on and off for about 25 mins then settled, nothing horrendous. We were out all day so his nap was split, and in the car there and back.

Saturday nap was a total disaster. Yelled for 10 mins and then went down but only for 30 mins. Bedtime was good, bed at 7, eight mins of mild yelling and sparko. Slept through.

Todays nap I tried in the car, but he only had half an hour. Bedtime at 7, eight minutes of yelling and sparko.

He's sleeping though at night, no wake ups at all. The yelling is less in terms of time and intensity and he's lying straight down, no sitting up. So it is definitely improving each night.

He hasn't asked for any dummies, and as far as I know hasn't stolen any from the other kiddos at nursery.

I'm happy to say after a full week it's not been half as horrendous as I expected. Was dreading the night time wakes, but there have been none.

Was not expecting daytime naps to become a PITA but he seems to be managing without his previous long nap just fine so perhaps he was ready to reduce these anyway?

I really appreciate the hand hold - thank you. It has kept me going in the (thankfully less than I feared) moments when I thought I'd cave in.

Thank you x